8. Dillon
EIGHT
DILLON
I never imagined myself even thinking about life without Anna, not in the beginning. Until we left Freedom Falls, Iowa I had this picture in my mind of how it would be. Reality is nothing like I imagined.
Sure, I’ve been around beautiful women. I can appreciate visual appeal, but nothing I can ever call real attraction. Whether Anna realizes it or not, until Hollis, there wasn’t a single person I loved and found myself more loyal to than her. Now, I find myself holding onto faded memories trying to keep my vows as I navigate our separation and divorce. Regardless of the fact that it is indeed over with Anna and I, cheating isn’t something I want to do. With every passing day, it becomes harder. Not because there is someone else, but because I genuinely struggle to be around my wife. That isn’t healthy for either of us. Clearly, she doesn’t want to be around me or isn’t happy around me because all she does is scream and bitch with the occasional time she throws shit at me. I don’t want to continue this life of misery with her. I want her to find what makes her smile again, laugh again. I want her to feel something other than the resentment that eats her up. For me, I want peace. It’s very simple. I want easy days with my son. No yelling, no bitching. I want to spend time with someone who embraces me and my son. Anna treats Hollis like a burden and I think that is the biggest turn off of all for me.
Hollis is everything good I’ve ever done, held, or dared to love. He is my greatest gift in life. To watch her cast him away, it cuts deep every single time. I have given her everything she ever asked, even if we really couldn’t afford it at the time (like the house). We have the security of my job and money in the bank. She lives comfortably without having to work. I absolutely want Hollis in preschool, so he is prepared for elementary school. Only that isn’t enough time for her away from him, she tries to say. That is her excuse for leaving him with Maritza so often is she needs ‘me time’. I don’t know what the fuck that is because I want every free moment, I have to be with him. There is no me without Hollis anymore and I like it that way.
Maritza, that’s a whole other thing. She loves every second she has with my son. His first day of preschool, she cried, not his mother. She cherishes picking him up from school to hear about his day. She loves watching every new trick or task he learns. I have never seen someone truly adore a child that isn’t their own. Maritza and Hollis, though, they have a bond like no other.
It isn’t about comparison. Anna and Maritza are two completely different women from two absolutely opposite worlds. I’m still a man and I can’t deny the attraction I feel. Maritza is beautiful. This woman in front of me is the total package. Maritza Castillo is gorgeous inside and out. Her heart and compassion for others is inspiring. It’s not only because of the way she is with my son, even though that is what I noticed first. I’ve watched her worry over complete strangers. People come in and out of the office area. She is always the first to greet them, offer water, or a snack. Even when none of us are around, her actions show how she is. My mind goes back to this one time when I thought Ruby would lose his mind over her kindness.
“Hija,” Ruby answers his phone, “Karma, come out,” he instructs as I stand under the car we are working on. Shop rule two men per car when it’s on a lift. If one man has to step away, the other gets out from under the vehicle. Safety shit.
“You did what?!” he screeches, “you can’t be doin’ this shit, hija.”
My attention is laser focused now. Ruby has two daughters, Maritza and Mariella. I’m not sure which one he’s talking to yet. While all the Hellions family are important to me, this one gets a little closer to home. Maritza keeps Hollis for me frequently. Is she okay? Is my son with her? I never actually know from minute to minute if Hollis is home with Anna or off on an adventure with Maritza. I don’t know what my life would be like without her help taking care of my son.
Ruby sets his phone on the lift bar edge that is not under the car putting it on speaker phone. At least I can get first-hand knowledge of the situation in front of us.
“I stopped; she needed help. Don’t tell me what I can’t do when you’re the one who taught me to change a damn tire.” It’s Maritza and I don’t know if I want to be worried or laugh at her sassiness.
“Maritza, you can’t trust people these days. How do you know it’s not a set up? You are a beautiful female in a crazy world. They drug you and poof take you off, gone.”
“Papi, you watch too much television.”
“The news, hija, the news says don’t fall victim. They will lace your door handles. You want to make your mami cry when something happens to you.”
She lets out a frustrated huff, “Papi, we both know you will cry more. Now, can you send someone out here?”
Ruby’s face softens as she calls his bluff about her mother. Vida will indeed be devastated for something to happen to any of her kids, but Ruby, he will most definitely take it the hardest.
“I’ll be right there. You get in your car, hija. Put space between you and this woman.”
“You worry too much.”
He shakes his head, “you don’t worry enough. This good Samaritan shit is gonna get you killed, hija. You can’t be the one to run into the fire always.”
The woman had a flat tire. Maritza stopped to help her only to realize the woman didn’t have a spare. Maritza went so far as to check her spare to see if it would fit, but the sizes didn’t align. It doesn’t matter, family, friend, foe, or absolute stranger if Maritza sees someone who needs help, she is diving in headfirst.
She has no fear about stepping up for anyone. In the craziness of the world today, people need to be alert, careful, and cautious. Maritza can’t seem to help herself. It’s a great quality even if it’s dangerous. In the military we talked often about fight, flight, or freeze mode. To serve is to be the person who can fight. Flight and freeze don’t work in war or life. Maritza is not afraid to fight, and she won’t dare freeze or flee.
Attraction is one thing, instant and physical, but beyond appearances, this woman is a total package. Some man is going to have a true partner in life with her.
I won’t deny it.
My life is complicated to say the least and I won’t drag her into this shit more than she already is.
Physically, no red-blooded man can deny her looks. I can’t help but enjoy rubbing the sunscreen in. To touch the tenderness of her soft skin as she relaxes as under my hands makes me think of having her entire body under me. I shouldn’t have these thoughts or desires. It’s wrong. I’m not in a place in my life to even entertain any kind of relationship.
More than that, Ruby will have my balls in a damn vice if I touch his daughter. The man is laid back until someone fucks with his wife or kids. I don’t know any man who will measure up for his girls. It damn sure isn’t me.
I can’t ever tell her, or anyone, how drawn to her I am. First, I’m a married fucker even if it is over between Anna and I, there are lines I won’t cross until the ink on the divorce papers is dry. No matter how I feel about Anna now, we once had love, and I refuse to forget that. If I do it’s like tainting everything that gave us both Hollis, and I won’t do that.
He’s the root of it. I can put up with just about anything Anna wants to throw at me, but to see her checked out with our son … I can’t live this way. It’s not fair to him. He deserves better. I can’t stay with her and watch her toss him aside like she does. I haven’t figured it all out, yet which is why I stay. How can I go from seeing him every day to every other weekend? I want to be there for my son and Anna is unpredictable at best when she needs to get space from her responsibility as a mother. I won’t take him from her, but I have to figure out how to separate our lives while remaining on some sort of schedule for Hollis.
I didn’t have a traditional mother. My aunt, she is my mom for all purposes. Except, in my head I know our truth. She’s not. She loves me like her own and I will forever tell anyone she’s my mom, but it doesn’t change biology. I don’t want this to become some generational curse. For Hollis, I’ll find a way to make things better.
“Dillon,” she says casually, but with a tightness in her voice that is unusual, “I want you to know, I might have overstepped.” Her face is serious and there is a hesitation that amps me up inside.
Immediately, I pause the sunscreen application and go straight to alert. This isn’t like her. We have always been relaxed, easy. Why now is she tensing?
“I called Anna,” she explains.
I nod, what is there to say?
“I thought she might want to see Hollis slide. I should have asked you first before I called her. I’m sorry.”
I sigh. I’m not frustrated with Maritza. She’s trying to be a good friend and not have Anna miss out. I hate that Anna doesn’t see how much she’s on the losing end of this life with our son. “No sweat, Zizi. She’s dealin’ with some shit. I invited her, so you didn’t offer information that wasn’t already available to her.”
“She seemed different today. I don’t know what’s going on at home. Not knowing you offered, I did invite her here. It’s Hollis’s first time sliding. I thought she might want to be included. Since this wasn’t planned for me to tag along, I didn’t want to intrude without offering her an opportunity to join us. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea about me and my intentions. I don’t want to overstep.”
I look to the sky for some kind of divine intervention. Frustration fills me. “Shit’s complicated with her.” I don’t want to get into how bad it is with anyone, but especially not Maritza.
She turns to face me. “I gather that with her reaction.”
“Is she coming?” There is no reason to beat around the bush. I need to mentally prepare for Anna to join us. I have failed in life, in my marriage, but I don’t need it on display for the people close to me.
Maritza shakes her head. “She is missing out,” she whispers sadly.
I don’t know why, but I lean over and press my lips to her forehead. “Her loss, Zizi.”
“I can’t imagine missing the fun days,” she tells me what I feel to my core as her hands come to rest on my hips. The embrace is natural in a way I’ve never experienced.
Pulling her to me, I hold her as I rest my chin on top of her head. “I don’t ever want to miss them either. I appreciate you wanting to include Anna. Time is a thief and he’s growing too fast.”
She relaxes against me with her cheek pressed to my chest. “Dillon, I think she needs help. She’s disconnected and I can’t seem to pull her back in. There is a saying, the days are long, but the years go fast. It’s the truth about kids. She is lost to the days, but she’s missing the years.”
“I know,” I mutter before releasing her needing some space. Having her close makes me crave more. “I have asked her to see someone. I took her to the doctors; they called it post-partum depression when he was little. Now, I don’t know what it is. She won’t go back to the doctor. I can’t help her because she doesn’t want help. All we can do is be here to give Hollis our time and attention, so he isn’t the one losing love from people around him.”
She smiles brightly, “I absolutely can do that. I love that little boy,” she looks to him.
“I know, baby, I know.”
Maritza, she embraces every milestone for Hollis as if it’s a reason to celebrate. It’s not just her, the entire club, they love being part of my son’s life. I never imagined this would be the family I made for myself. Leaving home years ago, I thought family was about husband, wife, kids, and a dog. Now, it’s so much more and I’m grateful for my club and what I have here.
I finish covering Maritza’s skin in the cream to prevent burns. She makes sure Hollis is slathered in the sunscreen before getting him to drink water. She is insistent with him about staying hydrated. It’s cute because she makes sure he likes drinking water. The way she takes care of my son is something I never expected. She will one day make a man very happy and to the children they raise together, she will be a present mom where her kids don’t question if she cares. It will be a beautiful thing for her. I hope she finds a man who will be devoted to her and gives her the world. There isn’t anyone who deserves it more.
Needing to put space between us, I step back before scooping up Hollis and heading to the slides. I’m here for him and this experience, not to stand around admiring the woman I can’t have.
“It’s really high, daddy,” Hollis tells me squeezing my hand as we climb the steps to the top platform.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Gonna go down fast,” he squeals with excitement.
That’s my boy, dare-devil, thrill seeking, adrenaline fueled and fearless little dude.
On one hand I want to remain angry with Anna and on the other I want to find some way to raise our son together with respect. It’s like two different sides in the emotional pendulum. Anger drives the fighting while respect goes a long way to a life of co-existing in peace.
Anger is easy to hold onto. I don’t feel like Anna wants to have peace with me. I gave up on the idea we could have love again a long time ago. It’s the fighting I want to stop.
I want to respect her as my son’s mother. I want her to respect me as his father. It’s very simple. I want us both to put our son above our needs and our emotions to give him the best childhood that neither of us had.
For Hollis, this moment, his joy, I’m not going to do that. I won’t taint today’s memories with her problems. I want to forget how my day started and let it go. Deciding to stay in the moment with my son, we continue to the top. At the landing, the attendant places the double ring float down and Hollis sits in his spot with me following behind.
“Hold me, daddy,” he tells me right before the attendant moves us into place.
I lean forward squeezing his shoulders as the water takes over pushing us rapidly down the tunnel slide with my boy laughing all the way. We hit the water, and it splashes around us. I shake my head to get the water out of my face and I’m immediately greeted by Maritza at the edge of the pool taking pictures. She’s smiling proudly in a way that hits me right to my very soul. The way she genuinely absorbs every memory with my son is inspiring. She treasures him and gets as excited as Hollis for both the little and big things. Life for him (and me) would be less enjoyable without her in it.
For a moment, it’s nothing but happiness for me, Maritza and my son. I want to stop the seconds from passing and stay right here, right now. The ease of today, the peace inside me, I wish I had more times like this.
“Zizi, did you see me?” he asks sliding out of the float and swimming right to the edge where Maritza is. Always going right to her.
She immediately scoops him up into her arms swinging him around. “I saw you! That was so fast! You were zooming right down and then it was a BIG splash.”
Hollis smiles proudly, “Zizi, you go with me?”
“Never had a better invitation, buddy,” she delights in telling him as they take off up the steps to come back down a slide again.
We spend the day in this easy way together. The three of us, splashing, smiling, and sliding. Hours pass and I find myself a bit sad as I notice the time.
“I don’t know about you, Hollis, but that peanut butter and jelly isn’t holding me over anymore. I’m hungry,” I tell my son as Maritza sorts through his bag getting dry clothes for him to change into.
“Chicken nuggies,” he requests which I knew was coming.
“Let’s go to the bathroom and change. We can get some nuggies at the golden arches on the way home.”
He shakes his head, “I want Zizi’s special sauce.”
She laughs, “hey, that’s our secret sauce,” she teases.
He looks to me, “it’s daddy, he won’t tell.”
We all laugh as I take him by the hand to guide us to the bathroom to change with Maritza following us to head into the women’s side. We all change and head to my truck. Maritza gets Hollis set up in his car seat like a professional while I stand back waiting to shut her door behind her.
This is by far the easiest day I’ve had since Hollis was born. How can one woman be a real partner making things flow naturally and another make every breath a challenge?