Chapter Three
Petal finished putting the last of the laundry away as the bell rang. She frowned. Other than mail, she rarely had any visitors. Mail had already arrived, and she’d not ordered anything. Skipping downstairs, she went to the door and came face to face with Kim. After her encounter with Dirty last night, she had made her excuses and left the party. She hadn’t wanted to go but forced herself so Kim wouldn’t come hunting for her. Rather than go to her parents’ house, she’d come straight home.
It was Saturday, and it was her day off, which allowed her to catch up on household chores. She had every intention of heading to her parents’ to check up on a few things.
Her mother had been wide awake and cleaning when she arrived with the groceries yesterday. She had been quite surprised to see her mother doing much of anything. They sat down, had a coffee together, and she watched as she took care of little David, feeding him, asking her how she had been, and wanting to catch up.
Petal stayed for as long as she could, then went home to get changed for the party. She had every intention of losing herself to alcohol, but that was an idea that never freaking happened. Dirty had a way of zapping all the fun out of everything.
“Kim, what are you doing here?”
Petal asked. “Rosalie is at the diner. Does she need my help?”
Kim held her hands up, and the bangles she had on her wrist dangled together. “I’m here to see you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, do you mind if I come in?”
“Oh, yes, of course, come in. Please.”
She stepped back. Although this was her home, sometimes she didn’t always feel like it was. This was Rosalie and Gabrielle’s house. She lived here all the time. Rosalie came from time to time.
Closing the door behind Kim, she tucked some of her wayward hair behind her ear. “Is there anything I can get you?”
“A coffee would be good.”
“Coffee. Yes, yes, a coffee. I can go and make that for you.”
Kim was a sweet woman, kind, thoughtful. She seemed to be there when she needed her most. Apart from today, Petal didn’t understand the reason for her visit, but she wasn’t going to turn her away. Stepping into the kitchen, she turned the stove button on and watched the flame ignite. Kim had followed her into the kitchen.
“Cream and sugar?”
Petal asked.
“Yes to both, please.”
Petal got two mugs, began to place sugar in one, and waited for the cream. Instead, she placed a heaping spoon into each mug, and then waited. “How is Rosalie?”
Petal asked.
Kim let out a laugh. “Come on, my dear. We do not need to talk about Rosalie, and she is not why I’m here.”
She turned toward the other woman and folded her arms across her chest. “Why are you here?”
“I’m here to talk with you,”
Kim said. “I’m here to see how you’re dealing with everything.”
“There is nothing for me to deal with. I’m all good, I promise.”
The lie was easy. Well, was it a lie? Petal couldn’t be entirely sure if she did feel good or not.
Her emotions were always all over the place nowadays. They kind of blended into one another, with no way out.
There was silence for several seconds and then Kim finally said it.
“I know.”
The sound of the kettle whistling broke the silence. Petal turned off the stove and grabbed the kettle, pouring it into the mugs. She knew some people expressed horror at putting hot water on top of coffee granules. There was a rumor it burnt the granules or did something to them. For her, it was the best way to make coffee, always had been.
Ever since she was a kid, needing that shot of caffeine in the morning, she’d always done her coffee this way. To her, it tasted a lot better, and all she had to do was add a shot of milk or cream, which she did. The sound of the spoon stirring in the mug echoed around the room.
“You don’t have to be afraid.”
Petal finished making the coffee and turned toward Kim. “How did you find out?”
“I paid the bill, and I asked for access to what I paid for, and one of the descriptions was clear. You had lost the baby, which is why you were also struggling from the blood loss.”
She pressed her lips together in the hope of not crying. Today had been a good day. Considering what happened last night, encountering Dirty, it had started out good. She hadn’t even woken up feeling the need to cry. She’d simply woken up and gotten busy. It was how she liked to start her day. Right now, it didn’t feel good.
“Honey, I am here.”
She shook her head, and then her next words came out as a whisper. “I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. I promised myself.”
There was no way she would let those tears fall. She refused to cry or get upset. But hearing those words come from another woman, it was almost impossible not to fall, bleeding her heart out.
She lost a baby. It hadn’t even been inside her that long, just long enough for her to confirm a pregnancy test. Then panic, when she realized she was doing this alone.
Kim went to her. The mugs of coffee were already placed on the counter. Kim gripped her head and looked into her eyes. “You don’t have to fight it. I’m here. You don’t need to be strong. I am here.”
She shook her head. “No, this is not right. I can’t … no.”
Her vision began to go blurry and this was the last thing she wanted to do. She refused to cry. She refused to fall like this.
Today was going to be a fucking good day. She was not the kind of woman who cried over everything. She was a lot stronger than that. Those fucking tears were not going to fall.
Only, Kim’s admittance had taken her completely by surprise. Fear and panic began to curl up inside her. She had to fight it.
Petal lost, as the first tear fell from her eyes. She squeezed her eyes tight and as she attempted to fight it, Kim wrapped her arms around her. It felt so good to have someone hold her. She couldn’t remember the last time her mother had held her like this, comforted her. Petal tried to ignore it, but then she wrapped her arms around Kim and held on, embracing the comfort the other woman was giving her.
“Rosalie doesn’t know, does she?”
Kim asked.
“No one knows.”
“Apart from you, me, and Dirty,” Kim said.
Petal pulled away. “You know about him?”
“Yes, I mean, I didn’t know you two were doing anything, but I put two and two together. He knew at the shooting to bring you straight to the hospital. When I read the report, I knew.”
“They don’t always put everything in that report,”
Petal said.
“What did they miss?”
“Oh, the part where Dirty didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby.”
She gave a sharp laugh. “When he found out, he asked if it was his.”
She shook her head. “It was his, there was no doubt who the father was. I’d never been with anyone else.”
“And you’ve been dealing with this all by yourself?”
Kim asked.
“Rosalie lost her mother, and with everything going on, I couldn’t spring this on her. She had been through so much already. I didn’t want to add to it.”
Kim sighed.
Petal nodded. “I know. I know. We’re best friends, and this is the first time I’ve not told her something. It’s just a small little detail. It’ll be fine. We will be fine.”
“This is not a small detail, Petal. You’re close to tears a lot of the time.”
“I’ll be fine. I don’t even know why I am so sad. I mean, I knew long enough to panic, like I said, but I didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl.”
She shrugged. “It makes no sense.”
“It makes sense. You may not have known about the child for long, but that didn’t stop you already loving your baby. Also, is there a possibility you might also be in love with Dirty?”
Petal shook her head. “No, that is not possible. I don’t love him. He’s … no, that is not possible.”
She refused to believe she could love that man. No way. But, deep down in her heart, she knew she did, and that was the scariest thing of all.
“It’s okay,”
Kim said. “It is okay to love him.”
“No, it’s not, because he is … horrible.”
She pulled away from Kim and picked up her mug of coffee, taking a sip. It was still hot, but not too hot to scold her. She couldn’t stop shaking her head. “The only reason he was interested in me was because of Colt. He asked him to keep me busy so he’d have some time with Rosalie. I get it.”
“That doesn’t stop you from enjoying his company and falling for him.”
Petal took a deep breath and shook her head. “That’s a problem because that makes me a doormat.”
“No,”
Kim said. “What would make you a doormat is if you allowed him to come back around here and do whatever the hell he wanted. That is what makes you a doormat.”
“I don’t think I loved him, but I think I was falling for him.”
Petal pressed her lips together as she felt sick to her stomach, because she knew it for the lie it was. “Holy crap, is that why this hurts so damn bad? I fell in love with him?”
“It’s not wrong to fall in love.”
“No, but he was … a dick.”
Petal took a deep breath. “What do I do? How do I stop this from hurting?”
“Time,” Kim said.
“I don’t want it to take too long.”
“I found getting up and doing stuff helps. Taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. Hell, even one minute at a time. I wasn’t there when I lost my little girl. Colt was there. I have to live with that guilt every single day. As a mother, I know I failed. I should have been there to hold my baby and make sure my son didn’t have to be the one with the memory of his sister fading away.”
Petal had never liked Colt. Mainly because he was the asshole that was making her best friend’s life a nightmare. To her, he’d been an asshole, but now it made sense. Colt’s sister had died at the orders of Daemon, Rosalie’s father. It didn’t excuse Colt’s actions, but seeing it as a brother, a son, holding his dying sister. That was a cruelty she doubted many could get over.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t know. But I carry Hannah’s memory with me, and I know she would still want me to be a good mother, a good woman, a good person, and that is what I do. For her, I live on. Hannah didn’t have a single malicious bone in her body. My husband always said she must have been switched at the hospital, but we know Hannah was there to keep our heads on straight. To make us see the world in a different light, and that is exactly what she did.”
Kim took a sip of her coffee.
“I know it’s easy to say you must live your life, but I promise you, wallowing in the darkness is no life at all. You’re young and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You have family. You have everything, and I’m asking you to not turn your back on it, for your own sake.”
Petal nodded.
“I know you’re a fiery little blonde and you have attitude and all that. Don’t lose it. Rosalie is going to need you. Life in the MC is not easy, and trust me, I didn’t even want to have this life, but I fell in love and got pregnant. My family turned their back on me, and Petal, you’re the only family she has left.”
“I’ll always have her back,”
Petal said. “Of that, you have no doubt.”
“Good, because I won’t turn my back on you either. You took a bullet for the club, that makes you family. No matter what.”
Petal smiled. “Thank you.”
Kim finished her drink. “I better let you go and do whatever you were doing.”
“I was doing the laundry,”
Petal said.
“Ah, I don’t know if I should leave you or invite you along. I’ve got to head back to the clubhouse. I promised the guys a home-cooked dinner, and I’m not cleaning that mess. They can do it and be fed in the process.”
Petal smiled and saw Kim to the front door. The older woman turned and pulled her in for a hug.
“Think about what I said. Don’t lose yourself.”
Kim held her tightly and then kissed her on the forehead. “You’re invited to lunch tomorrow.”
“I’ll be there,”
Petal said. At first, it was on the tip of her tongue to say no, but she didn’t want to. Staying at home right now with the knowledge that she loved Dirty was too much.
Kim climbed behind the wheel and it was then that she saw Myth waiting in the car. The man was Kim’s personal bodyguard, and he was always there. The only time he wasn’t was when they went on that cruise.
She held her hand out to say goodbye to Kim and by extension, Myth, before closing the door. Holy crap, that cruise, where it all truly started for her and Dirty. Once they got back, she began to sneak around. She’d claim to Rosalie that she had a family problem. There was never any kind of family problem. Just her and Dirty getting every moment they could together, in private. He used to make it sound so fun, so intimate. The truth was, he just wanted to fuck without getting caught. She saw the truth now.
Kim was right, she had to start doing little things. This person, sad and filled with regret, was not her. It never had been her. Squaring her shoulders, she walked back to the laundry room and knew this was a new dawn for her. She was not going to cower down. She would rise up. What didn’t kill you made you stronger.
She was strong, and there was no way in hell she needed a man.
****
The patrols that were taken seemed pointless after all this time. There was no sign of the Evil Fuckers MC, but at least it got him out of town and away from all the bullshit that was driving him crazy.
Focusing on club business didn’t drag him down into the pit, where he knew he belonged. It would be so easy for him to fall victim to it, but not today. He was done today.
None of the club knew that every single day he drove by Petal’s place, hoping for a brief glimpse of her or some sighting that would make this okay. He got nothing. Not even a brief glimpse.
Then, of course, the diner where Petal and Rosalie worked. He only ever went with fellow club members, even though he wanted to go every chance he got, especially when he knew Petal was there. Now, he knew Kim had invited Petal to the family lunch. He wasn’t invited.
Kim also made him very much aware that she knew about the baby, the secret relationship, and what he did. The fact he’d rejected Petal when she’d come to him. It hadn’t even been his intention to do that, but his world had been tipped on its axis.
Never in all his years serving the Satan’s Death Riders MC, had he ever fucked up and not worn a condom. Never. Yet, Petal had driven him crazy. She was the only person he wanted to be with. The only person he could imagine sharing his life with.
He pulled over to the side of the road, and he felt the pain slice through his body. He’d faced enemies with his death a certain outcome, and he’d never felt this kind of fear. He pressed a hand to his chest, gritted his teeth, and took a deep slow inhale.
He’d not been with another woman since Petal, and he knew in his heart of hearts, he was never going to be with another.
There was no way Petal was going to forgive him. When Petal had told him about the baby, he’d known it was his. He panicked, and even as he asked her who the father was, he’d known it was him. He messed up big time, and there was no going back for him.
The pain in Petal’s eyes that day would stay with him forever. Before Petal got shot, he intended to make it right with her, to tell her how sorry he was, that he had messed up, and he hadn’t even meant to say the shit he said. But he never got the chance.
Their baby was taken from them, and he couldn’t even exact his revenge, because Daemon, before he was killed by Colt, did it for them.
He couldn’t catch a break, and it was driving him crazy.
This was not what he wanted. He wanted to kill all those responsible for hurting his woman, but he couldn’t take his own life.
Now, Petal wouldn’t even talk to him. She does when she is forced to. When he doesn’t give her a chance not to. He’s resorted to stalking her just to get his fix of her, and no one knows that about him. They don’t know that he wants to make sure she is okay. It’s why he stopped by her parents’ house, after he saw her once again, taking care of her little brother and picking up groceries.
Petal’s parents were not what he expected. First, they looked well kept. Second, they were completely in love, and thirdly, in their own way, they were completely and totally loving toward their children. He’d been the one to send them away at the hospital.
When he first saw them, he hadn’t wanted them near Petal. He knew they relied on her to take care of her siblings. The last thing he wanted, while she’d been recovering from getting shot along with losing the baby, was to worry about what her parents wanted. He’d sent them away.
Then, after seeing her take care of her brother and holding that little boy in her arms, he’d gone and given them a reality check.
In their defense, it wasn’t like they realized what they were doing. Her mother suffered with postpartum depression, or something like that, but she had gotten much better.
Their house was certainly improved but he had a feeling Petal helped, regardless. He didn’t know if they had made amends. It hadn’t even dawned on the young couple that their oldest son didn’t return home, even though in the military he had the chance to leave.
He brought a reality check to their entire situation. He and Petal were no longer together, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make her life easier. There was no doubt in his mind she would be pissed if she ever found out, so it was his mission that she never did. This was between him and her parents, as far as he was concerned.
Staring out across the dark night’s sky, the panic that once gripped him subsided, and he was able to breathe again. Pulling away from his parking spot, he kept an eye on his rearview mirrors, as he wouldn’t put it past any of the Evil Fuckers MC to try and wipe him out. He didn’t believe for a second the club was gone, as he didn’t believe he was that fucking lucky. Far from it.
Daemon had killed several members of the club, but the only one they were able to identify was Bug, Daemon’s son. Considering that for a short time they were acting the part of best pals, he figured he would have known a hell of a lot more of the men there. That meant either Daemon had killed them and buried them in a mysterious mass grave no one could get to, or the surviving members had seen the warpath Daemon had been on after losing Gabrielle and took off.
Before demolishing the Evil Fuckers MC clubhouse, they completely ransacked the place. They tried to find anything they could to pinpoint what kind of shady deals the club had been in. After demolishing their compound, he expected them to turn up. Still nothing. Not even a single receipt. It was like the club hadn’t existed, although they knew it did.
He fucking hated the club and knew in his heart of hearts they were out there. He couldn’t figure out what they were doing, where, or why. Also, what the fuck were they waiting for? Were they waiting for them to get into a false sense of security? Were they waiting for an opportunity to strike? To let their guard down? Warden would never let that happen.
After completing his patrol, he knew he wasn’t going to find anyone or anything. He circled back around and headed straight back to the main clubhouse. It was cold and he was starving. He needed some food and a long hot shower.
Pulling his car into the parking space, he saw Myth sitting on the wall, drinking a beer, and smoking a cigarette. It was rare to see the man smoking. Seeing as he was the main guard for Kim, he rarely got the chance to smoke. Kim didn’t like it, and Warden asked him not to smoke. In fact, anyone on Kim’s detail was asked not to smoke. None of them minded. Dirty wondered if he’d even stop smoking at parties, but that never happened.
“What are you doing out here?”
“Taking a break. Did you find anything?”
“Nothing. It’s fucking dead at night.”
“Maybe they all cut their losses?”
Dirty burst out laughing. “You would do that if it happened at the club?”
“No fucking way. I’d go away, bide my time. I have to say I expected an attack after we demolished their clubhouse. They should have done so.”
“Unless bricks and mortar don’t matter to them.”
“It’s their place.”
Dirty shrugged. “Technically, it was Daemon’s place. Everything was in his name, remember, and besides, they got away from him. They are in survival mode.”
Myth sighed. “Still makes no sense to me.”
He took a long inhale and stubbed his cigarette out on the wall, blowing out a big plume of smoke. “Club is still club. We took an oath.”
“That we did, but he can’t put our rules onto theirs. We don’t know what the fuck is going through their minds, do we? All we know is what is going through ours,”
Dirty said. “Anyway, I’m hungry.”
Myth didn’t say another word to him as he entered the main clubhouse. There were several brothers who hadn’t even bothered taking their club pussy up to their room. He wasn’t interested in watching any of the action. His balls were freezing, and his stomach growled. He made his way straight to the kitchen, and sure enough, most of the food had been demolished.
Kim had already stopped by and made them a bunch of food. The hungry bastards had eaten it all. There were also lots of boxes of shop-bought pizza. He didn’t want pizza, but knew there was nothing else unless he went out and got it himself. He wasn’t interested in riding the rest of the night. He needed food and sleep.
Looking through the pizza boxes, he found one that hadn’t been opened, and he grabbed the box. He made his way toward the back where the rooms were. On the way there, he was stopped by Raine. Ever since she lost the chance to put her claws into Colt, she’d turned into a bitch. It was like she was heading for some title, to fuck all the club brothers, even the married ones. At least she had the sense not to bother messing with Warden. He’d never seen Kim get into a fight, but his gut told him no one wanted that woman as an enemy.
“Hey, handsome,” she said.
She was a pretty woman, but she was no Petal.
“Move,” he said.
Raine pouted. “There’s no reason to be like that. I know it’s been a long time, but I could blow your world. Any little desire you have, I can give it to you, better than anyone.”
Dirty shook his head. “Fuck off, Raine. I want nothing.”
“We’ll see.”
Raine sighed and stepped away. “I never stop a brother having what he wants, and trust me, I work to make sure this body is in prime shape.”
“Not interested.”
“One day you will be.”
He shook his head. Raine was clearly used to getting what she wanted, and he wasn’t going to be one of them. In the past, he did dabble, but now he knew what else was out there. Just like Colt had dabbled with several different club pussy, so had he. That seemed like a lifetime ago.
Before Petal.
Before Rosalie.
Before fucking Daemon.
Before everything.
He got to his room and put the box of pizza on his bed.
His room was one of the few that had an en-suite shower. Unlike some of the brothers, who wanted a large bed for the orgies they had. Dirty wanted a place to stay and wash. He didn’t give a shit about having a large bed. Besides, if he was going to be part of any orgy, none of it was going to be organized. It would be spontaneous. Now, he was pleased having that kind of forethought.
There were no orgies, no women, no stranger sex for him in his future. All he had was a nice hot shower to look forward to.
Stripping out of his clothes, he stepped beneath the hot spray and tilted his head back to enjoy the warmth. He tried to ignore the memories, but he should have known he didn’t have any control over them.
Petal. He couldn’t bring her back to the clubhouse, because the brothers were shit at keeping those kinds of personal secrets. Anything to do with the club was locked tighter than fucking Fort Knox, but they couldn’t hold personal business, especially drama filled.
They couldn’t go to her place because of her parents and siblings, so he rode them out to a small hotel. The manager didn’t mind renting the room by the hour or the night. Dirty hated renting by the hour, but when their needs had gotten too great, that was exactly what he’d done.
Being balls-deep inside Petal had felt like a motherfucking calling. He’d been so distracted, and yes, he hadn’t even made the effort to wrap his dick. Instead, he’d enjoyed her bareback. Sliding into her pussy, knowing no other man had been there but him had been a heady experience. One he’d repeated again, and again, and again.
He’d known there was a risk with all the times he’d been with her—a high fucking risk of her getting pregnant—but that hadn’t stopped him. Nothing had stopped him.
All he could see was what he wanted, and he knew that was fucking selfish. All that should have mattered to him was Petal. But he’d been driven by that need, and he’d been unable to stop it.
Closing his eyes, he imagined her back in his shower. That sweet smile she only ever reserved for those people that mattered to her. No one else ever got to see her smile.
Petal was reserved. She was so fucking sweet and kind, and smart, and funny. She was so many things, and yet at the same time, she also kept a lot of people back.
Wrapping his fingers around his dick, he brought forward a memory of her standing in the shower, soap in her hands, lathering his back, laughing as she did so. He couldn’t stand to have her touching him and not grab her himself, and as he did so, he pulled her into his arms. At the same time, he pushed her up against the corner of the shower. Her hands had touched his chest and slowly began to slide up, wrapping them around his body.
He fucking loved her hands all over him.
Gripping her ass, he’d lifted her up and got her to grab his cock and feed it into her waiting pussy. She’d been so tight. No matter how many times he fucked her, she was always so tight. He’d slid into her tight hot cunt, grunting as he did.
Dirty pulled out of the memory as his own release took him by surprise. He worked his cock, pulling every last drop of his cum, allowing it to fall down the drain without a thought. His cum in the sewers couldn’t do any damage. There was no fear of him getting her pregnant.
Shaking his head, he clenched his hand into a fist, brought it back, and slammed it against the tile. He didn’t do it hard. The last thing he wanted was to break his bathroom. Warden would ask questions, and the few people who knew the truth, the better. That is what he kept telling himself.
One day, it was going to be over. He’d move on, and Petal would move on. Her pussy, her smile, everything would no longer matter to him. He’d enjoy other women, just as she’d enjoy other men.
This would be nothing more than a distant memory, at least that was what he hoped.