Chapter 3 #2
“Was Lorenzo a little selfish asking me to go with him and leave the children in the care of the orphanage nuns? Sì. But who could blame him? He didn’t see them be born, he didn’t take care of them, he didn’t feel the love I felt for them.
He didn’t have the same bond of friendship, affection, respect, and gratitude that I had with Peter and Laura.
I did live with those children every day.
Even before they came into the world, I loved them, cared for them, and helped raise them.
I knew their parents, people who reached out their hand to me, who helped me infinitely and willingly, and who cared for me tenderly as if I were part of the family.
Who would be more selfish in this equation? ”
“Yeah, you’re absolutely right… And you know something? I’m glad you chose them, because if it weren’t for your sacrifice, I never would have met them.”
“And I wouldn’t be nonna now,” she joked, running her hand over my belly. “See, in the end, I only had the best gains. This is more than I ever dreamed of having. There were things I wanted, but they weren’t meant to be. I was happy, I am happy.”
“Not everyone sacrifices themselves that way, and there aren’t many people nowadays who would do what you did.
Renounce yourself for others, even people of the same blood, without getting anything in return, I mean, getting material value.
I myself don’t know if I would be as altruistic as you were if I had to make that kind of decision. ”
“Renounce is such a strong word, and here it has such a negative connotation that I don’t think it’s the right word to define what I did.”
“You set aside your love, the man you loved, the life you could have had, opportunities for a happy life, all for Heithor and Pietra. If that isn’t renouncing, then I no longer know the definition of that word. You’re the most generous person I’ve ever known.”
“Grazie mille. And don’t be mistaken, I have my bad side too.”
“But you’re the best of all.”
“Perché?”
“Altruism isn’t exactly the word of the new century.”
“That is the point, cara mia. Our life is made of choices, Antonella. Some are definitive and others are not, some good and others bad, some easy and automatic. And others are a little difficult. In the end, for every choice you make, whether good or bad, easy or difficult, definitive or temporary, you will simultaneously have a gain and a loss. The same is true of exchanges. We are always trading one thing for another. I traded the possibility of a ‘dream life’ for a clear conscience. Were there losses? Sì. There were gains too.”
“I wish, in practice, it were as easy as it sounds in theory. I envy you. If I had at least half your certainty, I think things would have been different and easier.”
“Today you feel insecure, but that doesn’t mean you are. You were always very sure of yourself. It’s in your nature. And more than that, even the most secure people have their moments of insecurity.”
“I wish I didn’t have those moments,” I grumbled, scowling. “I liked it when I was secure twenty-four hours a day. Everything was much easier.”
“When are you going to stop trying to deceive yourself?”
“I’m not… I’m not…”
“The problem isn’t whether you’re secure or not, or having half the certainty I had when I made my choice.
Actually, even then I had my insecurities.
You are so brave, Antonella, maybe even more than I ever was.
So how can you envy me? How could everything be easier, if when you made your decision you were certain it was the right one? Or am I wrong?”
Dismayed, I let my shoulders drop, keeping my eyes lowered.
“That’s the problem.”
“Pardon?”
“I was never more insecure than I was that day,” I confessed, head bowed.
“When I said I wished I had half your certainty, that’s what I meant.
If I had had half your certainty, if I hadn’t been eating myself alive with fear, if I had had even ten percent of your courage, things would have been very different from what they are today.
I don’t think it would have been easy, but I believe it would have been less difficult than it was and is being.
” I lifted my tearful gaze to her. “That’s why I envy you, because despite the difficulty of the moment and the things at stake, you were able to be generous and choose what was right. ”
“The decision itself is relatively easy compared to the road you’ll have to travel after it’s made. That is what is difficult.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Although some details are different, we did the same thing, but unlike you, who were altruistic and generous, I chose out of pure selfishness and fear, thinking only of myself.
I didn’t think of the baby, not really. My thoughts related to him always led back to me.
If I had taken into account that I would have the baby whether I accepted that agreement or not, that I could grow fond of him at some point just as everyone else already had, maybe things would have been different.
And maybe better?” A pair of bold tears rolled down one cheek, and I caught them on the way.
“I haven’t been very lucky in my choices, and I have the impression I never will be. ”
“Antonella, you are still much too young to be so pessimistic. You are not like this, bambina, and I will not allow you to start being so now.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, Auntie, but the race started some time ago.”
“Cara mia, you cannot keep blaming yourself all the time. At some point you will have to leave the past behind. Actually, you will have to learn to live with it and accept it. And when you do that, you will forgive yourself and take lessons from it that will serve you throughout your life.”
That sounded so saddening to me, because I wasn’t very sure I could ever accept what I had done, much less forgive myself and learn something from it.
“Guarda, in that moment, I had something you did not…”
“Generosity?”
“My generosity would have meant nothing if I hadn’t had enough maturity to know that Lorenzo was not the right choice and that we would be unhappy if I chose him instead of the children, although there was love between us.
For us, the choice was definitive. There was no going back.
Years passed, and we went on with our lives.
You didn’t count on the detours that appeared over the course of the pregnancy, and although you made a bad choice, time worked in your favor, and today you love this child.
Could it have been easier if you had accepted it from the beginning?
Could things be different from how they are now?
They could. But if this was the road you had to walk to mature, to grow as a person and a woman, and to see the true importance this child has in your life before it was too late, then it wasn’t entirely bad. ”
“That’s good?”
“Very. You made a bad choice, but that does not make you a bad person. Good people also hurt other people, they are also villains in someone’s story, they also make mistakes.
” And she added in a conspiratorial tone, “And you know something? Not all is lost. Time is still working in your favor, so forget this pessimism and go after what you want. Things can still get much better than you imagine. You only have to want it and fight for it.”
In that moment, I dared to have a tiny point of hope that not everything was lost and that I could have him again, or start over…
“Did you love anyone else after him?”
“I believe we can truly love more than one friend, child, idol. We can fall in love several times, but the love between a man and a woman is only one.”
“Do you think it’s possible for passion to last a long time?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Every feeling needs to be fed to survive. Otherwise, it dies.”
“Then how can passion not last?”