Chapter 10 #3
“Then tell me, damn it! As long as you keep clinging to your damned pride like your life depends on it, I’m going to stay in the dark.”
“Would you believe me if I did? Would you at least be willing to give me a little credit? Stop for a few minutes and rethink the opinion you’ve already formed if I tell you what I went through?
What I felt? Would you do that? Or would you only listen so you could reply, and keep the same stance as before?
Sending me constant silent accusations and judgments?
That’s all you’ve done since you arrived, besides, of course, rubbing in my face how much better your adorable girlfriend is than me, when we both know she’s nothing but a huge, unscrupulous bitch. ”
“Honestly, Antonella, it’s pretty damn hypocritical of you to cast yourself as the victim when, in reality, you’re the one who caused this whole mess.
But that shouldn’t surprise me, should it?
You don’t make mistakes. No, not you. Everyone else is the one who wrongs you.
It’s always the fault of whoever is around you for not feeding your endless vanity and pride, isn’t it? ”
“You don’t know anything about me, Heithor. Nothing!”
“Then tell me, Antonella,” he snarled, his cold voice putting more cracks in my heart. “Who are you? What don’t I know? What did I miss?”
“Don’t pretend you’re interested in knowing when we both know you’re not, unless it’s to find out how much more you can needle me for the mistakes I made without your fun hurting the baby,” I snapped in a low voice, firm but edged with bitterness, because that was how I felt—bitter as gall.
I swallowed my sob, even as a few insolent tears began to run down my face again.
I moved to turn on my heels and leave, but a few words kept pricking my tongue and jumping out before I could stop them.
I waved a hand. “You know, Heithor, you’re right about one thing.
I’m not a victim, and neither are you. I made mistakes.
I won’t deny it. I admit my slice of the shit cake is much bigger than yours, but you still have your slice too, however small.
So don’t throw everything on me as if I’m the only one to blame here, Heithor. ”
He let out a sarcastic little laugh and dragged his hands over his face. “I’m not obligated to stand here and listen to this. Enough. I’m done.”
My rage doubled when he started to leave.
No doubt he was going to look for the washed-out blonde.
Jealousy burned me alive.
“Don’t act like some manic teenager who can barely keep his dick in his pants when a slut offers herself to you, Heithor.”
He stopped, staring at me.
“What are you talking about now?”
“You and that Sophie thing.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Playing clueless doesn’t suit you, and playing the idiot doesn’t suit me either. So stop with this ridiculous act!”
“God, you are completely insane!”
“Why are you pretending not to understand? You know damn well what I’m talking about, but since you insist on this ridiculous role, I’ll tell you…
I’m talking about you and that desperate Sophie.
You want to run your fucking mouth about me, but you can’t even wait for the damn conversation to be over before going after her, can you?
Or are you going to tell me that isn’t where you’re going? … You’re an idiot! I hate you!”
His gaze crucified me. “Where did I wrong you, girl? Tell me, where the fuck did I wrong you? At what moment? When I loved you? When I did everything in my power to stay by your side? To make you happy? To make both of us happy? When I kept loving you and wanting to make us a family, even after you rejected me and our son in one blow? Or maybe when, even while dying inside because of your contempt and cruelty, I tried to help you see the mistake you were making so that later you wouldn’t suffer the consequences of an error that didn’t need to exist? ”
“You didn’t try to help me, Heithor,” I managed to say through the pain in my broken heart. “I don’t remember the two of us sitting down, talking about our situation, laying out every point. I only remember you trying to shove your side down my throat and force me to accept the whole situation.”
“How the fuck do you think I should have acted, Antonella? What reaction should I have had after you repudiated us in public without a shred of mercy? What was I supposed to do? And the reason you don’t remember the two of us sitting down and talking like normal people is because you always refused to speak civilly with me.
In fact, you wouldn’t even look me in the face anymore once you realized I wasn’t going to give in to your madness, remember? Or do you not remember that either?”
“I-I…” I tried to speak, but I couldn’t.
“I was desperate, dying little by little each day because of your cruel actions. You shut yourself inside your fucking selfish little world and didn’t let me help you, and even then I was still trying to reach you.
But you have to admit, it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, who makes herself untouchable to everyone else.
So what was my mistake, Antonella? Did I try too hard or not hard enough?
Should I have erased myself and stayed here, even after you showed me in every possible way that you didn’t want either one of us?
I’m not the best man in the world, and I never told you I was perfect or tried to deceive you about that.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, some irreparable.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of. There’s a lot of filth in my life, but in the middle of all that filth, the little bit that still wasn’t corrupted, that fucking little bit left in me, I offered it to you on a silver platter.
I gave you everything I believed was clean and good in me. I gave you the best part of me…”
Recognizing my mistakes and silently admitting them to myself had been too difficult and painful; doing it out loud to Gamble had been even more so; but nothing compared to the pain and regret I felt hearing them from Heithor’s mouth.
Reality presented itself in an even crueler form. More painful. More funereal.
Heithor went on: