Chapter 14
Thor took me to the penthouse.
We didn’t speak on the way there, but his free hand held mine the entire time, his thumb absently stroking the back of it while he drove.
One foot after the other, I entered the suite, very unwilling, with Thor right behind me carrying my things. I couldn’t hide my discomfort at stepping into that space again. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and the bitch there. I didn’t want to be in or sleep in a bed they had ever shared.
I heard the dull thud of the suitcase landing on the floor.
Seeming to read my mind, Heithor said, “I never brought her here.” I turned my head, giving him a look before going back to staring at the bed. “I always thought of this space as a place that belonged only to us.”
That might have made the tension dissipate, especially after discovering a framed photo of us together on his nightstand.
“Norah and I have been over since I found out about her betrayal. And even if I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have kept her around much longer. It was always you, Ella.”
His hands touched my shoulders, but I moved away, taking a step forward and crossing my arms over my stomach before turning back to face him.
“That isn’t what it looked like. She was very upset for someone who had nothing with you anymore,” I said, letting anger sharpen my words.
“I made a mistake, okay? I’m sorry!” he roared, dragging a hand through his hair, then paused as if taking a deep breath and planted his hands on his hips.
“I’m sorry you had to witness that scene.
I should have told her, in no uncertain terms, that we had broken up.
I thought she’d understood that, that I had made it clear enough.
Apparently, that didn’t happen… I didn’t lie to you, Ella. ”
“Honestly, I don’t give a fuck whether you were with her or not, whether you cheated on her or not…” I let my voice die, dropping my gaze to the floor and huffing.
“What?”
I lifted my eyes to his.
“I hate her.”
“But?”
“It’s shitty to admit, but maybe she’s right.”
“About what? Are you going to say now that it was a lie when you said you loved me? That you thought better of it and don’t want me the way you said you did?”
“I didn’t lie.” I assured him, offended. “I love you and I want you beyond what my sanity can handle. It’s just…”
“Nothing.” Thor broke the distance between us and held my face in his hands, giving me a soft kiss on the lips.
“We love each other, and that’s what matters.
The rest is the rest. Don’t you see that, one way or another, in the end we’re going to end up together?
We’re fated to be together until the end of our days.
There’s no way for us to live apart, even if we have the fucked-up habit of trying.
It’s not because of our child. It’s us, you and me. Our crazy love. Our untamed passion.”
“Do you trust me?”
“What?”
“Do you trust me? I mean, can you trust me? I don’t mean right now in this moment, but will you be able to someday? …Va bene, Heithor. You don’t have to answer.”
“Why that question now? We’re together, aren’t we?”
“The fact that we’re together doesn’t mean we trust each other.
I mean, I trust you. I know you won’t do anything to hurt me, at least not on purpose.
But I don’t trust myself not to hurt you.
So my question is very simple. How can we have any future together if only one of us trusts?
I’m not an expert on the subject, but I know that for a relationship to work, whatever kind it is, there has to be trust between the people involved, and I’m not sure you’ll ever come to trust me.
And I don’t blame you for that, because I don’t even trust myself.
I like the way I feel when we’re together.
It’s intense, good, and it makes me happy.
And I’m scared shitless I’ll end up doing something stupid because I’m lost in this feeling.
This isn’t normal for me. It isn’t what I’m used to.
This is new territory, and it makes me completely insecure.
And I don’t handle insecurity very well. My mistakes are there to prove it.”
Thor guided me to the bed. He sat and pulled me onto his lap.
“I love you and this baby more than anything else in this life. You are my life.” He caressed my belly when he said the last part.
“I know I’ve been acting like an insensitive idiot since I came back, but I need you to understand something.
We aren’t two teenagers anymore. At least I haven’t been for a long time.
And, as we talked about this morning, we aren’t the same anymore, and I need to be honest with you.
When I left here, I was deeply hurt. Don’t think it was easy to walk out that door and stay away… ”
“It wasn’t easy for me either.”
“I’m not saying it was, sweetheart. And please, don’t misunderstand me, but I wasn’t here.
So I can only speak about what I lived through.
I watched myself wither little by little every day without the slightest desire to fight against it.
The wounds were too big and too deep. It took time before I came back to life—actually, before I tried to, because that’s what I did all this time.
I tried to live one day after another, because thinking about and planning a future without you made me sick.
But I never felt truly happy and at peace, the way I felt with you, despite the details surrounding our relationship. ”
“Not even with Norah? You two seemed pretty, uh… happy together. By the way, if I’m not mistaken, you seemed to be doing very well beside her.”
“Jealous?”
“Just an observation.”
“Ella, I’m not going to try to explain my involvement with Norah.
And I also won’t apologize to you for it, because I didn’t do anything I didn’t have the right to do, and nothing against you, at least not intentionally.
” I tried to get off his lap, very uncomfortable and jealous, but he wouldn’t let me.
“Antonella, don’t do that. We’re adults, and we have to be honest with each other.
I’m not telling you these things to hurt you or judge you.
I need you to understand. I was in a very bad place, and I did the only thing I thought could help me at that moment.
It wasn’t the best choice I ever made, but I can’t deny that it helped me, even though I didn’t have any feelings for her except affection.
And even though she behaved badly with me, I’m not cowardly or dishonorable enough to say I don’t regret using her to ease my wounds. ”
“She was always your spare, wasn’t she? It’s hard to believe you never felt anything when, one way or another, you two were always together.”
“In a way, yes. And if it counts for anything, I’m not proud of it.
As for always being together, don’t forget that she works for me.
And by the way, my only feeling for Norah was always friendship and consideration, nothing more.
I never loved her, or anyone else before you, and I’m sure I’ll never love another woman…
Girl, you ruined me for every other woman on the planet.
When are you going to understand that? Am I going to have to sign some official document? ”
“That would be very nice.”
“Notarized and with witnesses?”
“Even better.”
“Hmm… I like this possessive side of yours,” he teased, giving me a little kiss, then turned very serious.
“I forgave you long before I realized it, but I won’t lie and say I don’t feel any hurt.
I love you and I’m happy you feel the same and want to live this feeling with me the same way I want to… ”
“But what I did left marks on you that keep you from trusting me,” I finished when I saw how hard it was for him to tell me that, maybe because he was afraid of hurting me.
“Yes and no. What happened left marks, ones that don’t disappear overnight and that make me cautious.
I can’t say I trust you, because I don’t.
Trust is something you earn, Antonella. We build it day by day.
I won’t offer it to you on a silver platter, just like you won’t.
I’m afraid, and I’m as wary as you are, or more, but that’s normal after what we went through.
I know you want and love this baby the way I do.
I know what you told me yesterday is true, because I know you, and as much as you’ve changed in some ways, that about you hasn’t changed.
You wouldn’t say you love me if you didn’t feel it…
I know these things. Still, I’m wary, understand?
I want to trust. I want to believe. And yes, I agree with you.
There’s no way for a relationship to have a future, no matter how much love exists, if there’s no trust between the people involved.
However, keep in mind that from the moment I kissed you yesterday, I decided to try again, to give the two of us another chance, and with that, I gave you a vote of confidence, because without that, we wouldn’t be here now. ”
“Does that mean you’ll be able to trust me?”
“We’ve already given each other a chance.
That was the first step, Ella. Next, we need to cement it.
You love me, and I love you. I want to be with you, and you want to be with me.
See? We have the materials we need to make it work.
Now it’s up to us to build a good foundation and strong beams so we can move forward. ”
“You sounded exactly like Collin just now.”
“You made a lot of friends while I was gone.”
“They all helped me immensely.”
“Should I be jealous of him?”
“Absolutely not.”
“I’m pleased that you’re talking like the therapist, since you listened to him, so it means we’re managing to communicate well.”
“I would listen to you even if you didn’t sound exactly like him.”
“Really?”
“Don’t think I listened to Collin right away. We had some friction before we got along.” I smiled, remembering our first session.
“I would’ve liked to see that.”