Chapter 19 #2
“I never thought I was worthy of having a serious relationship. I only had something casual with Norah, but I only allowed it because she knew the risks involved and knew how to protect herself. Even so, I never thought I would someday deserve to have a life with another person, to marry and have children, because the paths I chose in my life led me to a point where I couldn’t allow myself to want that.
I was already resigned to being alone for the rest of my life, because wanting that normal life at the point I had reached would be cowardly of me.
I would be putting an innocent person’s life at risk.
” My throat tightened, and I reached for my glass of water.
“You say you’re afraid for me, that you might not be able to endure the tension, the worry when I’m away.
And I understand. It isn’t easy for any woman to live that way, especially when there’s a child involved.
I understand your reasons because thinking that way was exactly why I kept myself out of reach of any serious relationship.
But, love, what you don’t understand is that when I say you met me this way, it isn’t because I put my work above everyone, but because the danger in my life will never disappear completely. ”
I swallowed the knot in my throat.
“Do you still think you don’t deserve it?”
“Sometimes. But, sweetheart, now that I know what it feels like, I want it. God knows I tried to stay away from you. I never wanted to bring this storm into your life. I knew you deserved someone who would bring you peace, a healthy, calm life. However, I couldn’t stay away from you, no matter how much I tried.
I wanted to be your man from the first moment I saw you in that nightclub.
I wanted to be a normal man who would give you everything despite the filth in my life.
” He paused heavily, watching my reaction.
“I’m a former agent, Ella. Even if I had stopped working in the field when I left the Agency, I could still bring danger to my partner.
Once an agent, always an agent. Honest or corrupt, we make enemies who don’t care if we’re no longer active.
I can leave, but danger will never leave me. ”
“I’m sorry.” I drew in a deep breath, feeling awful and like a damn selfish idiot. “I didn’t think of it that way. I had no idea…”
“Don’t be, baby. There was no way you could know. I’m the fucked-up one.” He squeezed my hand lightly. “But I promise I’ll do everything to give you a decent, normal, safe life. I’ll do everything in my power so that you and our baby don’t feel denied the right to a normal life.”
I lowered my gaze to our joined hands, a shy smile curving my lips before I brought my eyes back to his face, watching me.
“I’m sorry… No, Thor. I feel obligated to apologize to you because, whether I meant to or not, in making that mistake, I ended up thinking only of myself.
I thought of the baby too, but much more of myself.
I really couldn’t have known all of that, but I could have asked you before forming an opinion about it.
I really am sorry. I love you completely.
Every little thing. Inside and out. I want you no matter what.
If worry is the price, I don’t care. I trust you to keep us safe, and I’ll try to adapt.
I just don’t want to be without you, and I can’t be without you, because as long as I have you, I have everything I need. ”
He smiled. My smile. Big, radiant, and joyful as he stood, bending over the table. He held my face and gave me a kiss.
“I love you, girl.” I melted completely, smiling like a fool, fighting not to let my emotions overwhelm me.
Thor settled back into his chair. “I’ve thought about what you said several times.
In my line of work, as in any other, there comes a time when you need to retire and live a quieter life.
I don’t want to miss the unique moments in our baby’s life.
I want to be present when he says his first word and starts walking.
I want to see his first teeth come in. I want to teach him things.
I want it all. I want to be present in his life. ”
“That sounds very good.”
“I just need your support and for you to trust that I’ll do what’s best for the three of us.”
“I trust you, love. I promise I’ll manage my fears and support you.”
“I don’t want you to keep your fears to yourself, and I don’t want you to agree with everything I say just because I say it’s right.
We’re a couple, but we’re still people with different opinions and ideas, so we won’t always agree on an issue.
But by talking, we’ll reach a consensus that works for both of us.
I don’t want you to erase yourself. I just need your support.
I’ll never make any decision alone, and I hope you won’t either. ”
“Good to know,” I said with a relieved sigh. “Because you know I’m not exactly the Stepford type who sees nothing and obeys everything, right?”
“I know. And I love that about you.”
A new song began to play, the soft melody resonating through the air and reaching my ears like a seductive invitation as I drummed my fingers on the table.
Thor gave me a lazy look, a sexy smile curving the corner of his mouth as he stood and held out his hand to me. His voice carried a deep cadence.
“Would you give me the honor of this dance, miss?”
***
Two days later
I finished folding my little boy’s tiny clothes and put each piece in its proper place. This was a ritual I had practiced ever since the room was ready. It might have been an exaggeration on my part, since all his clothes were washed and organized, but with every glance, I changed everything.
I left his little room more than satisfied with my arrangement, though deep down I knew that the next time I went in there, I would arrange everything all over again.
Then I went to meet Thor in the living room.
“What’s going on here?” I asked carefully, my eyes sharpening on Norah, who was looking at me with apprehension… and shame.
“Hello, Antonella.”
“Come here, baby. Sit beside me, please.”