Chapter 32
The next day and the days that followed were no better. But they could have been worse if the passing days hadn’t helped my head start functioning properly.
I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t resigned either.
My son was still out of my reach, just like Heithor, who avoided me at all costs, and it took a long, long time—and it hurt—to understand that I needed to give us both time and think of myself.
That was the hardest part. The sacrifice that act demanded of me was too much.
One that required calm and patience when those two things didn’t exist inside me; reason when my mind was disturbed; a touch of coldness when I was dying inside; and the temporary ability to ignore the existence of my baby when my heart screamed for him, but my reason screamed no.
This was the greatest and most painful sacrifice of my life.
Understanding what I needed to do if I wanted to have my son by my side and show Heithor that he had been deceived, and that he was being fucking unfair to me, was easy.
What was hard was putting it into practice, because one side of me—my heart—didn’t understand and didn’t want to understand that we needed to ignore what we wanted so badly in order to have him without restrictions.
Meanwhile, the rational side said it was necessary to pretend to be blind.
I had been stupid not to listen to Heithor when it was necessary, and I was paying dearly for my stubbornness.
But now, I couldn’t afford to act on impulse and do something stupid, even though demanding my rights as a mother sounded nothing like stupid to me.
However, I needed to use my fucking head because rebelling wouldn’t bring me anything good, only a greater storm I couldn’t even bear to contemplate.
Norah had set it up perfectly, premeditating every detail while playing the damn evolved woman. However, there was no such thing as a perfect crime. Heithor had told me that once.
What I lacked in training, I made up for with the will to prove my innocence.
Norah might be very good at her tricks. But I was a mother, a mother sick with the need to protect her son, and with her, I was a beast. Soon, very soon, she would have a very pissed-off father too.
I was hurt, furious with Heithor, but he was also a victim.
It hurt to admit it, but Martha was right.
In his injustice, he was trying to protect our baby, and I knew Lucca wasn’t at risk. Norah wouldn’t dare try anything against him because what she wanted, she had already achieved: Heithor and me separated, and him hating me.
Hating…
Heithor couldn’t hate me. He loved me. He was pissed, furious, and wounded because he thought I had deceived him, but he loved me the same way I loved him.
I needed to recover as fast as possible and go after proof, because it existed.
Believing that, I concluded I would have to adopt deliberate blindness. And that was how, furious and wounded, yet sure I would manage to prove my innocence and that murderous bitch’s guilt, I began to make my way through hell on Earth.
I imposed a daily routine of activities on myself.
I swallowed a swamp every day and hell every damn night, but I stayed firm. I forged steel armor, hiding the devastation of how I truly felt. And to think I’d thought that inner conflict I felt when I began to see the pregnancy in a positive light was martyrdom… Oh, God, I had no idea!
The list of horrible things was extensive.
Pain was in every item and in various shades.
The nightmares were getting worse each day.
I couldn’t sleep.
Nonetheless, I found myself forced to hide it from my family again.
Martha and Pietra encouraged me to attend classes.
That time outside the mansion was important for me, but being inside it was too.
My son wouldn’t come to me, and I couldn’t go to him, but I needed to be there and catch small glimpses of him, even from afar.
To feel that I was part of his life somehow and make sure Norah didn’t come near, if she showed her face.
I recovered a little more each day, but emotionally I was going in the opposite direction, growing sicker by the day.
My birthday came and went. There was no party and no celebration.
Pietra even put together an intimate gathering in the garden and invited Josie, but I didn’t participate.
I had no reason to celebrate, and I was still hateful toward Josie.
But nothing lasts forever, right?
I got rid of the boot and could walk without limping miserably, and I continued with physical therapy. Soon it was the pins in my arm and their infernal accessories’ turn.
I gave everything I had to practicing patience I did not possess.
The deadline I had given myself had reached its end. Enough time for Heithor to calm down and rethink his decision. My son was already two months and two weeks old.
I can’t wait anymore, I thought, standing before Heithor’s bedroom door.
For Lucca. For the three of us. But mainly, for Lucca.
I placed my hand on the doorknob and hesitated.
My heart pounded against my ribs; that was how anxious I was. But there was also this palpable weight of hope. No love ended just like that out of nowhere. Mine hadn’t ended, despite him hurting me incessantly. His hadn’t either.
I had given him more than enough time. I couldn’t wait any longer, even though I didn’t have any conclusive proof of my innocence in my hands, except my word and what we had lived through. Heithor couldn’t have forgotten.
He loved me.
Filling myself with courage, I didn’t knock. I turned the knob.
My heart hit hard when I saw Heithor facing the bed, his back to me. He seemed absorbed in something in front of him. I stepped in…
“What are you doing here, Antonella?” His voice came out deep and low, and I fought not to jump back, caught by surprise that he had noticed my presence.
Antonella. At least he was calling me by name.
“Heithor, we need to…”
“Get out.”
He didn’t look at me and walked to the nightstand.
“Please, don’t treat me like this.” I took a step forward, my hands in front of my body, my fingers worrying at each other.
“You need to hear me… I’ve stayed away long enough for you to calm down, for us to calm down.
” And there came the tears, presenting themselves for duty.
“I can’t stay away from our baby anymore… from you.”
He turned to face me, his gaze landing on my arm and then on my face. There was nothing in him except darkness and indifference.
“You intrigue me. Whenever I think I’ve seen all your sides, bingo. Here you come, surprising me once again.”
I narrowed my eyes, annoyed.
“Facets? Wanting to be with my son, which is my right… wanting to be with you, the man I love, even though you don’t deserve my love because of the miserable way you’ve been treating me, is a facet? Is it wrong? Is it some kind of crime?”
“Even in love, you’re petty. I deserve more than that, Antonella… What you did was a crime. As far as Lucca is concerned, there’s nothing to discuss.”
“Did you think my love was petty when we were together all those months? Was that what you thought when you lay beside me every night? When we made love? When we made plans? When you made me promises?”
“I wish I had thought that, because then I wouldn’t be in hell again. I was a perfect idiot for believing you had changed, that what you offered me was pure and sincere.”
“Should I believe your love for me is petty too? Should I also believe you’re a complete idiot and a shit professional?”
Fury flashed in his dark eyes.
In the blink of an eye, he was in front of me, snarling against my face.
“Petty? You have the nerve to say that to me? You’re worth nothing, girl. I gave you everything. One more damn time, I gave you everything! And what did you do? You threw it in the trash again. And why, Antonella? Answer me!”
“I didn’t do it, shit! Why don’t you believe me? I didn’t do anything.”
“It’s hard when there’s evidence against you. It’s hard when I, the sucker, the shit professional, discovered you had lied again.”
“It was her, Heithor. Don’t you see? Dio, stop and think. Remember everything we lived through… all those months. Would I deceive you for so long? Could I?”
He took two steps back. “Ah, so now I’m a good professional?
You need to make up your mind, sweetheart.
But I’ll help you.” He added fiercely, his gaze sparking.
“I am not a fucking sucker! And girl, I can remember a few things that at the time didn’t seem suspicious to me, like your stubborn refusal to change rooms, but I couldn’t, could I?
You have a gift for driving me insane, you know that, and you use it without considering the consequences. ”
“For the love of God, Heithor, it doesn’t make sense!
Why would I declare myself to you if I didn’t love you?
Pretend I wanted the baby? Make an attempt on his life and put us both at risk when I could have died, or even if that didn’t happen, I could have been found out?
That would be too stupid. We were already separated… ”
“I never doubted your love, but I don’t want that shitty love of yours either,” he hissed with contempt.
“You little shit, I asked you thousands of times if there was any doubt. I made it clear that you could talk to me. I was open the whole time in case you had any doubts, remember? But you swore up and down, acted like everything was fine! You deceived me right to my face, Antonella.”
“I didn’t…”
“Do you know what your problem is? You thought you were going to fool me. You really believed that, didn’t you?
You always underestimated me, believing you were the clever one.
Your problem is arrogance, lack of character, lack of dignity.
You want to play strong and impenetrable.
Pride without measure, because in the end, that’s what it has always been.
Your damned endless pride. Your fucking pride was always more important than anything else.
You always had that idiotic need to feed it.