Chapter 35
“Come in, please.”
I lifted my blurred red eyes to Ben, not knowing how to react in that moment when my pride was nothing more than a handful of ashes.
We were in his apartment. I had no idea how we had gotten here. I only remembered him guiding me into his car. And there we were.
He smiled while he held the door open for me.
Too tired to refuse anything, I went in, stopping near the couch without looking at anything except my soaked feet dripping onto his polished floor.
“I’m going to get a towel… Don’t leave. I’ll be right back.”
I didn’t move an inch, didn’t even blink.
And when Ben returned with the towel, I held it against my stomach. I had no strength for anything. Everything inside me seemed small and compressed.
“You’d better take a hot shower and put on dry clothes before you get hypothermic. You’re shaking, Antonella. I don’t have any women’s clothes here, but I can call the mansion and ask them to…”
“No. Please, don’t call anyone. I-I… I think I’d better go…”
I handed the towel back to him.
“I’m not letting you leave alone, Antonella, especially not in this state and with the rain coming down out there. If you want, I’ll take you home…”
Home? What home?
I had no home. I had no one.
I was alone!
Ah, Dio, it hurt so much…
“Hey, shhhhh…” He hugged me when I started crying again. I didn’t fight him, even though I soaked his clothes too, something Ben didn’t seem to care about. “What happened, Antonella? Did someone hurt you?”
I cried harder, beginning to feel the physical cold of my drenched body, my muscles, every part of me starting to tremble while my fingers tightened in his shirt. His hand running over my back had no effect. Nothing was enough.
Ben held my shoulders to look at me.
“Let’s do this. You’re going to take a hot shower and put on dry clothes while I take care of making some tea. Have you eaten?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“All right. Come with me, please.”
Ben offered me his hand and waited for me to accept it, and then guided me through his apartment without worrying that I was leaving a wet trail behind me.
In what I thought was his bedroom, Ben moved to a dresser while I hugged myself, trying to stop my teeth from chattering, and watched him search the drawers quickly.
“I don’t have women’s clothes, sorry. But I think a shirt and a pair of boxers will do. I have some still in the package.”
Ben handed me the items.
I lowered my eyes to them.
I felt miserable, pitiful.
“Take your time, and when you’re ready, I’ll bring tea or a glass of milk, if you prefer.” I lifted my gaze back to him, unable to answer. “Right. Anything you need, you’ll find in the cabinets. Make yourself at home.”
“Thank you,” I murmured very softly before he left. I had no pride left to cling to, no pride left to make me feel embarrassed by this situation.
“Don’t mention it, sweetheart.” He touched my face, his thumb caressing my cold cheek, his voice soft and gentle.
“I don’t know what happened to leave you the way I found you, walking in heavy rain, but don’t worry about anything now except yourself, okay?
” I nodded, more in an automatic gesture than agreement, and then he let his hand fall. “The bathroom is through that door.”
Ben left me alone in that strange room, too large for the speck of a person I felt like. I pressed the black AC/DC T-shirt and a sealed Calvin Klein package against my chest, my knuckles white around the material as a wave of panic threatened to rise to the edge.
I breathed deeply a couple of times.
There, beneath the shower, with the warm water chasing the cold from my body, the crying came hard, washing my eyes and bringing me to my knees on the floor.
I was in ruins, defeated.
All the strength I thought I had, any little thread of hope, joined the water running down the drain as I saw the numbers in my head again.
It wasn’t as if the ring hadn’t already done the work of destroying my hopes, however, that had only been a supposition, a guess, but those numbers on the computer screen were real, irrefutable proof that… We… He…
We didn’t exist anymore.
We were over.
A thick, impermeable layer of cement buried us along with everything I still, ridiculously, believed somewhere deep down might be possible.
The small spark of hope went out for good, and the trail of gunpowder was carried away by the rain.
And all I had in that moment was emptiness, a deep and crushing sadness.
Something had stopped shining inside me and died.
Slowly. Agonizingly. Weakening me down to the bone.
A deep depression might have been beginning.
I don’t know how much time passed before I managed to find the strength to finish the shower. Time stopped being counted and gave way to eternity, and all I wanted was to curl in on myself and stay there until the sun rose again on the horizon. Or until I died.
Knock. Knock.
“Antonella?”
I looked at the closed door.
I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to move a single muscle.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The knocks came again, firmer this time.
“Antonella, sweetheart, is everything all right?”
I drew in a gust of air, forcing the words out.
“Everything’s fine, Ben. I’m coming out.”
“Ah, yes, of course… all right… I’ll be waiting here.”
I turned my gaze back to my reflection. The T-shirt reached my knees, and beneath it were gray boxer briefs. My dignity grumbled, unnerved.
I finished combing my hair and brushed my teeth.
And then I gathered up my wet clothes. I found Ben in the bedroom. He was wearing clean clothes, his hair still damp, as if he had just gotten out of the shower too. The tense crease between his eyebrows made me feel ashamed.
“I’m sorry, I…” I went silent, but I knew he had understood the unspoken words.
The unrest written in his gaze told me everything about my depressing state.
It was strange being like this in front of him. I felt naked down to my soul. It made me even more fragile. Being dressed in his clothes and barefoot inside his bedroom also made me uncomfortable, out of place.
He was the first to move, breaking that awkward atmosphere, and took the wet clothes from my hands.
“I’ll put the clothes in the dryer. The milk is on the nightstand. I added a little honey too. My mother used to do that when I was little… actually, she still does. It’s good. Drink it while I take care of the clothes.”
“Thank you… for everything.”
He sketched a slight smile and nodded.
“Let me know when they’re dry, please.”
The easy smile disappeared, giving way to a severe shadow. “You know I’ll only let you leave if it’s to take you to the mansion, right? I can’t let you go out in this storm when you obviously aren’t in any condition to be alone.”
“I appreciate your concern and hospitality, Ben… truly, but you don’t have to take me on as your responsibility. You’ve already done a lot by getting me out of there and offering me a little comfort… I don’t want to bother you any more than I already have.”
“And where will you go?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t even know what to do.
“Let’s do this. For today, you stay here, and we’ll talk if you want. I won’t feel at ease if you’re out there alone, in this state. Can you do that for me?”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Then no talking.”
I let my shoulders fall, dismayed. “Va bene.”
“Drink the milk while I handle your clothes.”
“Is this your room?”
“Yes. I’ll sleep in the room I turned into an office next door, and before you say anything, I’ll feel better knowing you’re comfortable. I don’t mind using the couch, which, by the way, is very comfortable. God knows I’ve done that a few times.”
“I don’t sleep,” I whispered, barely holding back my tears.
His head tilted to the side.
“What do you mean?”
“I have nightmares when I sleep. I don’t want to sleep…” I swallowed my words when his action caught me off guard. Ben closed his arms around me in a bear hug while murmuring to me in an emotional voice. I felt him tense.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart… Forgive me for… for not being with you when you needed me. I was absent… Just forgive me, Antonella.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. It isn’t your fault, Ben… no one’s, except my own,” I said hoarsely, pulling away. “My head hurts. Could you give me something or get my purse for me?”
“I’ll bring something, and you can sleep for a few hours.” And he added quickly, “I’ll stay with you the whole time. You can’t go without sleep. Your body needs it to stay healthy. Just for today, let me take care of you, please?”
Without my objection, Ben left, taking the clothes with him.
I slid my ass onto the edge of the bed, threw a glance at the glass of milk, and my stomach complained. I drank two small sips before Ben returned.
“You didn’t like the milk?”
I shrugged.
“Nothing goes down.”
He sighed sharply and came closer to me.
“Here, take this… it’s medicine with a very mild calming effect. It will get rid of your headache and help you relax… Now lie down and try to sleep.”
“Ben, I…”
“Just lie down and try to sleep a little, Antonella. I’ll bring my laptop in here and stay with you as long as you need.” He helped me lie down and turned off the light, leaving a wall sconce on. “I’m just going to take the glasses to the kitchen.”
In the dimness of the room, I exhaled the trapped air and relaxed into the softness beneath me. I turned on my side, curling around myself, sealing myself off from the world.
Even when I began to fall asleep, the tears kept leaking out.
My heart was broken in every way.
That night, every scar was open and bleeding.
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Staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, like something from The Ring, beyond my swollen eyes and the dark circles around them, I saw myself frozen inside.
Icy without hope, without comfort.
However, a contained fury, a silent anger, sprouted in my core amid the frozen pain, like a beautiful, harmful blue flame. I could hear its almost comforting crackle as it burned inside me, hotter and hotter.