Chapter 42
“Miss Vicenti, are you all right? Can I help you with anything?”
I lowered my gaze, ignored Kane, and entered the mansion.
I couldn’t think of anything. It was as if betrayal had wiped my mind clean, and I could only feel.
The pain, the disillusionment, the disappointment, and the anger had shaped themselves into a single cord, giving rise to one single feeling, new and indescribable, so strong it made me feel like the most miserable human being alive.
A pile of shit.
On the bed, with my legs bent and my head between them, I slowly savored the bitter taste of that filth. When day broke, my eyes were still open and swollen from crying. My limbs hurt from the position I had been in almost all night. I ignored it.
The day was new, at least that was what the sunrise seen from my bedroom balcony told me, but it was as if that night were still there, preserved in the shadows that had risen inside me, torturing me slowly.
The rest of the day went the same way.
You know when you feel abandoned by everyone?
When a thousand people embrace you and still, you feel alone?
Worse, when you’re certain that even if Heithor burst through the door asking me a thousand times for forgiveness, it wouldn’t be enough to soothe my world of darkness?
I had stood on similar ground before, but nothing could equal the ground my feet were planted in now.
It was as if I were in the middle of nowhere, and all around me, everything I could see was gray.
Everything devastated, as if the world had been ravaged by a plague and only I had been left to deal with the wreckage.
Weak and powerless.
My faith was shaken, my trust in myself in tatters.
All I could think about was how stupid I had been all this time.
Ben was a huge son of a bitch. But then everyone, including those I had always believed were on my side, had deceived me to a greater or lesser extent.
In the end, the raw truth had only one name: betrayal.
That was what allowed hatred to make a home in my chest, especially because I knew that among all my flaws and most sordid mistakes, I had always been sincere, no matter how ugly my words and actions were.
Not even looking at my baby’s beautiful little face during the times I nursed him throughout the long day brought me peace. On the contrary, it brought tears to my eyes, but at some point, they stopped falling.
There was a hateful film replaying in my mind continuously, nothing but unjust losses, leaving me more bitter with every second.
And at the end of that day, when night settled in, I knew something had happened inside me. Not temporary. Permanent. The feeling of self-pity faded, leaving dark traces behind, and then resentment began to take up considerable space in my chest, driving its roots deep.
“What’s wrong with you, cara mia? You’ve been strange all day. You didn’t come down for any meals, and you don’t want dinner. Yesterday you left early without telling anyone, and I didn’t even see when you came back… Did something happen?”
Everything.
Sitting on my bedroom balcony, I pulled my legs up and hugged them, resting my chin on my knees while my gaze wandered into the night.
I felt Martha’s eyes on me, the veiled concern in her voice, but that meant nothing to me. I stayed silent. I didn’t feel the slightest desire to move any muscle in my body. Thinking was exhausting. Existing was exhausting.
Her hand touched my shoulder.
“Antonella, talk to me. I’m worried about you, bambina. I’ve never seen you like this. I don’t have a good feeling… Pietra called me and said you aren’t answering your phone… What happened? Tell me. You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?”
I didn’t want anything. Not Heithor, not the truth, not useless words of comfort. My only faithful certainty came from the deep hurt burning inside me.
“It’s all right… you don’t have to say anything for now if you don’t want to. But know that I’m here for you. If you need me, tell me.”
“Is Heithor here?”
“No, querida. He hasn’t been here since yesterday.”
“Is he at the penthouse?”
“He traveled. Why? Do you want to talk to him? If it’s something I can help with…”
Yes, I wanted to, but not talk. I wanted to kick his ass all the way to hell.
I hated everyone except my son. But Heithor surpassed them all, because despite all his infamy against me, I still loved him.
Martha made herself heard gently. “You know I have no problem if you want to stay with Lucca as long as you like. I can bring him here right now…”
Clenching my teeth, I drew in a long breath and exhaled slowly.
Rage leaped over my skin at a frightening speed.
Hearing such words, even without the intention of affronting me, was the same as being slapped in the face.
“…I’ll do it right now. Yes. It will be good for you to be with him. Maybe then you’ll feel more encouraged to eat and…”
“No.”
“No? But… What’s going on? Cara, don’t worry. Heithor isn’t here, and as far as I’m concerned, he won’t know anything. You can be with Lucca if you want.”
I bit my lip hard and felt the rusty taste of blood fill my mouth.
“What would you do for him…?” I turned my head to the side, looking at her over my shoulder. “For Heithor? Pietra? How far would you go for them?”
“Everything. For our children, we do everything.”
I looked forward again. “Leave me alone, please.”
She didn’t leave right away, but she didn’t torment me with her questions, and finally went out in silence. Her words, however, remained.
For a child, we are capable of anything…
***
There were no more tears in my eyes, no room for them.
The feeling of helplessness was worse than anything else I had ever felt, and as the night deepened, my mind went along with it, simmering with memories, possibilities, and so many doubts, working on me like a catalyst, pushing my despair closer to the edge.
And yet, unlike the day that had dragged on for endless hours, the night ran fast and hostile, inciting that bad feeling, more suffocating with every minute.
Every time I looked at the clock, the hands seemed to fly, and all I had was a maddening urge to do something, doubt making my feet tap back and forth without rest.
What good did it do me to have discovered that psychopath’s scheme when I already knew she had set me up? Where would it lead me when Heithor didn’t even give me the damn benefit of the doubt, only punishment?
A short nervous laugh curved my lips.
What was I thinking?
The truth was that no one had actually tried to help me.
Not Martha, not Pietra, not Josie.
At some point, even they had doubted me.
In the end, Martha and Pietra would follow what Heithor dictated because, although they cared for me, he was their family.
The sale of the mansion, hidden by both of them, did not let me lie, right?
And all I could think was: he isn’t here.
Another thought insinuated itself into my mind, and I laughed, affected, thinking I had reached insanity.
I tried to drive it away and say that would be madness.
But, man, I was already crazy and not at all willing to continue living in this hell my life had become.
And I was convinced that this ordeal would drag on longer. I mean, not too much longer.
The mansion had been sold, and then what?
I would beg like a mutt for them to take me along. Or agree to be his whore like he himself had proposed… No. Never again.
The thing was, I couldn’t stay here because nothing would change.
Where would I go without help?
How long would it take for Heithor to find me and turn the unbearable into something worse?
Only one option was left to me. Insane, but a way out.
With my phone in my hands, I dialed.
Two calls.
This action went against everything, even my sanity.
***
2:05 in the morning. I had less than forty-five minutes.
I was sure of nothing. I prayed hard that I wasn’t making a terrible mistake when I reaffirmed my irreversible decision.
“Cara mia, wait for Heithor.”
That was what Martha tried to tell me when, without much explanation, I asked her to help me pack a suitcase for Lucca with only the essentials.
“I can’t. I have to go. This is my only chance not to lose Lucca. Heithor isn’t going to change his mind, Auntie. You know that. And I’m not willing to go on like this. Not anymore. Enough. I can’t anymore.”
“Is that why you were so quiet? What happened?”
I didn’t answer, focused on finishing bundling Lucca up. He had started fussing because his sleep had been interrupted. “Shhh… I’m sorry, my love, but there’s no other way… We’re going to be okay…” I whispered to him, taking him in my arms.
Adrenaline left me alert, made my heart rate rise. My breathing was rushed when I reached the garage and ran to place Lucca in the car seat in the back of Martha’s car. She followed me closely, carrying his suitcase, and took her place behind the wheel. Then we left.
Martha seemed like a bundle of confusion in the face of my not-at-all-lucid behavior, and I took advantage of the situation without remorse. It wasn’t as if I had much time to feel guilty about her disarray when I myself was chaos.
Once she stopped where I asked, a few blocks later, and I hailed a taxi, reason seemed to fall over her. I was afraid, but I wasn’t going back.
“Antonella, this isn’t the right thing to do. I don’t know what happened to leave you like this, but nothing is solved with a hot head, bambina. It’s better for you to calm down, and then we’ll talk, just the two of us.”
She took a step forward, and I took another back, narrowing my eyes at her.
Martha stopped, but I remained tense.
“It’s too late to be out with Lucca. Let’s go back and talk. Whatever happened, I’m sure we can resolve it in the best way.”
I clutched Lucca more firmly against me, afraid she might try to take him from me. He kept fussing, but my attention was on Martha.
“Don’t try to stop me, please. You said earlier that for a child, we do everything. I’m trying to save our relationship, my sanity.”
“Yes, but this doesn’t seem right to me.”
“I can’t anymore. I’ve reached my limit.
I can’t wait one more minute for Heithor to regain his humanity.
I can’t keep begging for something that is mine by right.
Don’t you see?” I specified, affected. “How long do you think I can stay in this situation, Auntie? Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough? ”
“I know you’ve been through terrible things.
You’ve been very strong and brave, more than I myself would be…
I also know the boy hasn’t been good to you.
But, please, use your reason. Where does that leave Heithor?
Do you think it’s fair for him to come back and not find either of you?
If you don’t want to think of him, then think of Pietra and me…
It isn’t worth solving one injustice by committing another, Antonella. ”
“Was what I went through all this time fair? Actually, what did I gain from being fair and rational? He sold the mansion without telling me. No one told me anything!”
“That isn’t how it is, Antonella… Let’s go home and…”
“I will never go back there.”
“At least tell me where you’re going, please,” she asked with an anguished look when I got into the taxi, her steps bringing her toward me.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. Grazie.”
I didn’t look back.
Focused on my baby’s face, I tried to soothe him and myself, but I couldn’t calm down enough until I was in the hangar of a private airport in Los Angeles.
It was ironic, insane perhaps, that one of the people guilty of my ordeal was precisely the only one extending a hand, offering me something concrete.
Irony was certainly the correct term to define my life.
I wasn’t taking anything except the clothes on my body, my documents, and a little money. The closet worth thousands of dollars was insignificant when I had the most important thing in my arms. The rest, as the name itself says, was leftovers.
Looking at Lucca, his features so much like his idiot father’s, made me remember Heithor, and none of the memories in my mind were good.
It hurt so much to think of that maledetto, of everything I had lost because of his distrust, and it hurt even more to know he had trampled on my love without any consideration when I had opened myself to him without edits.
But I also knew I would have to live with that frustration and sick pain staining my soul.
Heithor and I were the past. The us and the life together we might have had someday had unraveled like smoke in the air. My son had not.
Lucca was my past, my present, and, by God, he would be my future.
“The pilot is ready.”
I lifted my gaze to Ben and saw the plea for forgiveness in his eyes.
“I can’t forgive you, not even thank you for this…
Your complicity with Norah caused too much damage.
I’m not talking about actions, because that can be reversed.
A lie never lasts forever, but the trail of suffering it left in here…
” I breathed deeply, pressing my lips together, desolate.
“You caused so much suffering that, frankly, Ben, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to overcome it. ”
He looked away from me as he nodded.
He seemed miserable.
But then, so was I.
The man in front of me was no longer a friend, a safe harbor, but a complete stranger. And though he didn’t deserve it, that hurt me.
“I never wanted you hurt or suffering because of my shitty mistake, Antonella… I’m so sorry… What I did is unforgivable. And even though I don’t deserve it, and it may never happen, I can only hope that someday you might forgive me for the wounds I caused. I love you.”
Ben didn’t wait for my answer.
I lowered my gaze to Lucca, sleeping peacefully, and exhaled languidly.
I had never thought much about the consequences of my actions, about the demons they would bring into my life, and how they could affect my future.
The law of cause and effect had never been my strong suit.
A naivete of age, of ease, of practicality and of ignorance itself baptized as cleverness. But of one thing I was certain: the payback was not merciful. It didn’t matter how hard I worked to correct the mistakes of the past, because the bill for that planting came without delays.
Implacable and pitiless.
And in the end, what remained was to learn or pay interest.
And so it happened to me.
That page of my life, full of highs and lows, from simple joys to the deepest sorrows, had been finished with a painful period.
And the exact moment the jet took off for Milan, another began from zero, blank.
I swore to myself: Heithor would not be part of it.