Chapter 19
. . .
Vesper
Nay
Have you told him yet?
My sister really is the most impatient person on the planet. However, she also gives the best advice. It’s funny how talking something through with someone you trust can help part the clouds in your mind.
Me
No, Naomi. I only texted him fifteen minutes ago. He’s heading over now so we can talk.
Nay
Ah! I’m nervous.
Me
Me too. Thank you for being there for me these past couple of days.
Nay
That’s what sisters are for, especially ones who have absent mothers. I only wish I could board a flight and hug you. Oh, and also throttle Kane.
Me
Join the long line of Kane haters.
Nay
Gladly.
Is he there yet?
Me
Since you last asked two minutes ago? No. I’m busy wiping down the bar and cashing out the register.
Nay
Okay, I’m going to bed before the sun starts to rise.
P.S. I’d pour him a stiff drink if I were you.
Chuckling at my sister’s last text, I start typing out a reply when there’s a knock on the door.
My stomach somersaults as I set my phone down on the bar top and quickly check my reflection in the mirrored glass display set behind the bar.
It’s hard to summarize the way I’ve felt these past thirty-six hours.
For large parts of it, my head has been at war with my heart.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom—from when I was a young girl, playing with dolls alongside my sister, to the second Silas asked me to consider holding back on taking emergency contraception.
Back and forth, I’ve thought about how my world could change if I didn’t take the pill and equally how I could go on to regret it down the line if I did.
The biggest decisions in life are always the hardest and often the ones that creep up on us without warning.
I never saw Silas coming, even though I’d known him for so long.
But as I unlock the door to find a towering hockey player standing on the other side, hands in the pockets of his black jeans, I feel sure that I’ve made the right decision.
Hopefully for us both.
“Hey.” His voice is noticeably shaky—and understandably too—as he walks into the bar area and spins in a circle. “This place is fucking huge when it’s empty.”
I waste no time locking the door and moving across to the bar, pulling a couple of glasses from one of the shelves.
Silas’s eyes drop to the whiskey glasses in my hands, Adam’s apple bobbing on a deep swallow.
“Can I get you anything to drink?”
“No, thanks.” His voice is barely a whisper as he slides onto one of the stools and clasps his hands under his chin. “I just came here from a night with the guys and …” He pushes a stressed hand through his hair. It looks messy and like he’s been doing that a lot tonight.
I feel guilty for keeping him waiting with no contact since he walked out of my apartment and left the final decision to me.
“I’m sorry to have kept you hanging on for so long. I needed to rid my head of noise so I could clearly figure out what I wanted.”
His blue eyes soften, and he reaches out to take my hand in his. It feels colder than usual. “When I told you to take the time you needed, I meant it. You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”
I smile appreciatively. “Thank you.”
His eyes fall to the empty glasses on the bar. “I’m guessing you’ve made a decision, you know, with timelines and how the pill becomes less effective, the longer you leave it.”
Nodding, I squeeze his hand. “I have.”
He looks like he’s going to puke as he sets his eyes back on mine.
God, he’s so freaking handsome.
“And what did you decide, Ves?”
I stare down at a glass, a big grin threatening to break free. I press my lips together as excitable butterflies flutter around in my stomach.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on filling this tumbler with a shot of whiskey, if that’s what you mean?”
Silas’s brows shoot to his hairline. “Wait, are you telling me you didn’t take the pill?”
“Yeah,” I breathe, praying that he still feels the same way he did when he last left my apartment.
The legs on his wooden stool screech across the floor as Silas releases our hands, rounds the bar, and wastes no time wrapping me in his arms.
I snuggle into his black jacket, burying my face into his chest.
This man exudes safety, warmth, comfort, and love—every quality that makes the best kind of parent.
“Wow …” His voice breaks off, and he drops a kiss into my hair. “We’re really going to do this, huh?”
I pull back and look up at him, tears stinging behind my eyes.
He slides the two empty glasses along the countertop and lifts me to sit on it, standing between my legs.
His hands are warmer when he glides them up and down my arms. It’s always so hot in this place, especially after a busy shift. All I’m wearing is a short-sleeved red top, and my skin pebbles in response to his touch.
I’ve never craved the proximity of a man the way I ache for Silas to hold me. To me, this feeling is new, exciting, invigorating, and something I’ll never take for granted after my relationship with Kane.
“When will you be able to take a test?” he asks, happiness evident in his voice.
That’s something I’m not so sure about. “I came off birth control a couple of weeks after I slept with Kane, and I had a period the week after. Theoretically, I should be due soon, but I am so irregular, and I always have been.”
His eyes sparkle, and he leans into me, lips a fraction away from mine. “What are you doing after you finish up here?”
I shrug, struggling to form regular thoughts when he’s this close.
“There’s a twenty-four-hour Walgreens on the drive back to your place. We could swing by and grab a couple of tests in advance.”
“Okay.” I can’t help a bubble of laughter as it rises up my throat.
This whole thing feels wild and so freaking scary.
“Silas …” I thread my fingers through the fine hairs at the nape of his neck.
“Vesper.” He pretends to be serious while grinning from ear to ear.
I draw a big gulp of oxygen into my lungs, searching for the right words.
“I’m taking this leap with you because I trust you and because I’m exhausted while I wait for the ‘perfect moment’ in my life to become a mom.
Too many times, I’ve swallowed those damn pills and wondered if I’d get another chance to have a baby.
” I drop my face into Silas’s jacket again, inhaling his scent.
“But I’m scared, and denying it would be a lie.
I’m scared because despite all you have said about Kane and making sure he doesn’t cause me any grief, deep down, we both know he will do all he can to make our lives a living hell. ”
The tears coat my eyelashes.
“I’m scared because I like you, but I don’t know where this can lead between us, and I’m fearful of how it might end. If I’m pregnant, you will be a great dad, although there are zero guarantees when it comes to us. After all the hurt my heart has endured, I need to take things slow with you.”
Silas holds my face between his hands, thumbs swiping beneath my eyes as I take every thought spinning around in my head and send them out into the universe. He needs to know exactly where I stand. I owe it to him and to myself.
“We go at your pace, Ves. Always. But just so I’m clear, are you telling me you want to date or be friends and see where things lead?”
My heart and head are locked in another battle as I gaze up at the man I truly want to love me in a way I’ve never experienced while my brain urges maximum caution.
“I want to see where this can go, but I don’t want to rush into anything, like sleeping together again, until my body and mind have had time to process everything that’s happened.
I don’t want the potential pregnancy to be a reason why we jump into something romantic with two feet.
There are many people out there who co-parent way better than those who are still together just because they have children.
” I push past the lump forming in my throat.
“My parents are living examples of how not to raise kids. Even when they were together, it was hell on earth. The late-night fights while they thought my sister and I were sleeping, the resentment toward us getting in the way of them living their lives. I don’t want to make the same mistakes they did, and I don’t want to hurt you because I didn’t take a step back. ”
Silas just smiles at me, one that’s bursting with pride and understanding. I’m sure, beneath his exterior, he’s wondering whether I’ll ever be in a place where I can date again and if that person will be him.
“You’re right; Kane will be an issue, but he’s nothing that I—or the skilled team of lawyers I have—can’t deal with. Everything else you mentioned … I totally understand and accept. For now, let’s take things one step at a time and find out if you’re carrying my baby.”
Every time Silas mentions me carrying his baby, I melt into a metaphorical puddle at his feet.
“You okay?” He tilts my face up, our lips so close, breaths mingling.
“Are you going to kiss me?” I reply with my own question.
Silas runs his tongue across his bottom lip, reminding me of how good he tastes. My center throbs at the memories.
“Do you want me to kiss you, Vesper?”
More tingles. “Do you know how hot consent is? Because you’re the king of it.”
He just shakes his head slowly. “No, I’m not.
I’m an ordinary guy who treats the woman he loves with the respect that she deserves.
If you don’t choose me to be your man, I want you to promise me that you will always remember the way I looked at you, the way I held you in my arms. If another man doesn’t give you that, then you walk away and save yourself for a person who will cherish every part of you. ”
A tear drops to the apple of my cheek before Silas wipes it away.
“You’re just trying to get me to kiss you, aren’t you?” I gibe.
His top lip tips up. “Is it working?”
“What do you think?”
Silas plants both palms on the bar top on either side of my ass and leans into my ear. “Judging by the rise and fall of your chest, I’d say yes.”
Full lips fall to the sensitive skin just below my ear, and a delicious shiver courses through my body.
“How about this? I’ll put my hands and mouth on you again if and when you give me the green light to date you. Until then, I’ll be everything else you need.”
“And if I’m not pregnant?”
“Then nothing changes between us. I’m here for you—forever. There is no one else for me, Vesper, and I’ve been waiting for you for a very long time. At least now, I get to spend time with you and your coloring books, content in the knowledge that you’re safe and away from my asshole brother.”