Epilogue
Regan
New Year’s Eve
L eaning against the far wall of the banquet room, I smiled as I watched Rhys get down on one knee and propose to Hannah, publicly professing his love for her.
Our friends and family were spending New Year’s Eve with us at Rhys’s compound outside of Atlanta, and seeing everyone so shocked and happy for them made me chuckle.
No one would have ever expected my pain in the ass brother to be so open with his feelings, but I always knew he was a softy.
His past made him hard and he closed his heart away, protecting it from hurt and betrayal.
But when Hannah entered the picture, he was a goner, and I believed he kept his heart protected from the vultures, knowing his One was waiting for him.
Seeing James and Amaya hugging Hannah and Rhys while Devlin, Elise, Lucian, Rylee, Stella, Hawk, Hayden, and Aubrey looked on gave me hope that maybe there was someone out there for me.
Then reality pushed its way through the fairytale haze, and I had to stop myself from outwardly smirking at the intrusive thoughts.
There was no way anyone would want to love me if they saw the thoughts inside my head, and truthfully, I didn’t know if I wanted what society deemed acceptable.
I wasn’t always so dark and morose, but the two years I was made to suffer because of the actions of others changed me.
My body carried scars I would never explain and my mind carried images I couldn’t erase.
For the last four years, I’d jumped through every hoop and attended every therapy session, wishing I could find a sliver of the old me, but no matter how hard I dug, I couldn’t find any part of the innocent girl who was betrayed, abused, and broken.
“To the happy couple,” someone yelled from across the room, and I lifted my glass into the air with everyone else as we toasted my brother’s happy occasion.
As everyone was focused on Rhys and Hannah, I slipped through an open doorway and down a hallway, purposely walking on my tiptoes as I passed the room Rhys had equipped as a daycare and overnight sleeping area for everyone’s kids.
He wanted to make sure the children were taken care of and had four top-notch nannies doting on the sweet little ones as their parents ushered in the new year.
Entering my room at the end of the hallway, I closed the door behind me and pressed my back to the chilly wood as I exhaled.
The evening had been stifling, and I needed out of these painful heels and this uncomfortable dress.
I hated wearing both but never displayed my discomfort.
No one needed to know why I got sick to my stomach or why my skin crawled whenever I was dressed up, so I made excuses as to why I ducked out of parties or skipped them altogether.
I was far enough away from the banquet room to not hear any sounds from the party, and the longer the silence stretched on, the more rapidly my breathing became until I was close to hyperventilating.
With as much urgency as I could pull from my trembling hands, I yanked the zipper down on the side of the dress and I actually kicked the heels off, sending them flying into the side of my dresser.
When the dress fell to my feet, I stepped out of it and shoved it away from me as I wrapped my arms around my waist and closed my eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to fall.
There was no way I could hide tears from my family, so I focused on slowing my breathing as I gently rocked from side to side.
This was the only useful tool the shrink gave me in all the years I’d been seeing her, and within a few minutes, my heart rate slowed to normal.
Opening my eyes, I got the feeling that someone was watching me, but I knew there was no way that was the case.
Rhys’s compound was large, surrounded by woods and a seven-foot-tall brick wall that encompassed the entirety.
Add in the cameras monitored by Devlin and James’s company, the ten or more guards who worked here daily, and the dozen or so more who came with the family, and I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me.
I grabbed a pair of slacks and a nice blouse and quickly redressed before slipping on a pair of sandals.
While I was still presentable and perfectly dressed for the evening, I no longer felt the painful memories bombarding me.
Looking in the mirror, I appraised my appearance and shrugged as I walked out of the room.
The closer I got to the party, the more I focused on my smile and the closed-off but happy demeanor I’d adopted.
People thought they knew what I’d gone through, so I was given a fair amount of space to be alone, but with every new woman brought into the family, I felt my secrets were getting closer to being revealed.
They’d lived through so much too, and they’d learned to move on from it, but I feared a part of me would be stuck there forever.
I slipped back into the party and lifted a Champagne flute from a passing waiter’s tray as the minutes ticked away, pushing us closer to a new year, and if you believed the bullshit, a fresh start.
There were no fresh starts, not for me anyway.
I saw it as just another day, so the celebration seemed ridiculous.
Briefly, I closed my eyes and pushed the cynical part of me further down, not wanting to ruin anyone’s evening.
I was always afraid I was a burden to those around me, and I blamed my fucking mother for that.
She’d left me when I was two years old, and a city bus driver found me wandering the streets after midnight, wearing an overloaded diaper and a filthy shirt.
The reports said I was covered in bruises, bug bites, and was severely malnourished.
She never came for me, and it wasn’t until I was close to eight before I learned I had any family at all.
James and Rhys couldn’t take me out of the foster system, but they made sure I had a better experience than some of the kids I’d crossed paths with.
They sent gifts for everyone’s birthdays and Christmas, so the presents they gave me wouldn’t be envied.
They made sure I knew I was loved and wasn’t alone, so the last thing I wanted to do was seem ungrateful.
I saw someone walking toward me, so I turned my head to see James approaching with a smile on his face. He hugged me to him and placed a soft kiss on the side of my head before he spoke. “It’s getting too much for you, isn’t it?”
Giving him a confused look, I asked, “How do you do that?”
He shrugged with a chuckle. “I guess I can see the parts of people they try to hide away from everyone, and all I see from you is how uncomfortable you are.” He paused before asking, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Pushing a smile onto my face, I shook my head gently. “There’s nothing to say, James. I’m just not comfortable in a roomful of people, I guess.”
He turned to look at me, and I shifted my gaze from some random person across the room to him. James appeared worried. “Regan, I—”
The room erupted into cheers before everyone started to count down to the start of a new year. James glanced over his shoulder as the room yelled, “Eleven!”
I pecked him on the cheek and smiled as I said, “Find your wife, James. Make sure to kiss her at midnight.”
He went to open his mouth, but I shook my head and walked away from him, hoping he’d drop the whole thing and not want to revisit it tomorrow or later this week.
That was the thing about James. You hoped he’d forget or get busy, but he would circle back to something days or weeks afterward, not giving you the peace you thought you had.
I looked over my shoulder and saw him pushing through the crowd as the numbers got smaller.
“Five,” the room cheered as I walked through the group of people, looking for an exit.
Opening the glass door leading to the back patio, I stepped into the chilly Georgia air and pushed the door closed behind me. The party was raging, but the volume was muffled through the doors as the cool air nipped at my exposed skin.
“Two!”
“One!”
“Happy New Year!”
I looked over my shoulder as I finished the last of the Champagne and smiled as everyone embraced, kissing their loved ones and hugging everyone close to them as they celebrated the start of a new year full of new possibilities.
As hard as I tried, I couldn’t find a reason to celebrate.
My brother was moving on with his life, and that made me happy, but the worry I was going to somehow disrupt his new life with Hannah was overwhelming.
I was starting my last semester of college, but the thought of something happening again like the last time . . .
I forced those images out of my head and swallowed some of the fear that was pushing up inside me.
No matter how much good there was, I always waited for the other shoe to drop, and I hated that about myself. I wasn’t a pessimist—I was a realist. I’d seen the painful parts of life, and I knew danger and heartache could be just around the corner.
I was broken inside, and by hiding that from my brother and the rest of our growing family, no one would know I’d become a monster in order to save my own life.
And there was no forgiveness for what I’d done to survive.