10. Sparrow
Waking up, I listen for anyone that could be on the other side of me. I know at some point last night our bodies found each other, but now that it’s morning, I don’t know how to act in front of King. Opening up to him last night in the dark felt good, safe, but I don’t know if I can completely go there. I wasn’t lying to him when I told him I’m not the same.
Taking a chance, I roll over to find the other side of the bed empty. I don’t know why that upsets me. Getting out of bed, I quickly go into the attached bathroom, finding a spare toothbrush on the counter.
Slowly exiting King’s room, I look in the kids’ rooms but find them empty. Wandering around, I go in search of the kitchen. I should have figured that King and his brothers would find a way to live together as adults. After making a lot of wrong turns, I finally make my way into the kitchen, stopping short when the only person in it is King’s dad.
“You can come in. I’m not going to bite,” Jack states while he pours a cup of coffee.
“Do you know where the kids are?” I ask, still firmly in the doorway.
“Telle, King, and Ace are on a run. Loch and River ran to his studio. He wanted to grab something for her room.” Jack leaves his spot and gently leads me over to the island. “I have something I'd like to tell you, but first, let me get you a coffee.”
After he sets a cup of coffee in front of me, he sits down next to me. “I just need to tell you a few details that I know for a fact King hasn’t yet. As soon as I got those boys up here, King made it known that he was going back for you. He started washing dishes at the bar, anything he could do to earn money. He went back for you, and was told that you were gone before having the door slammed in his face.”
Whipping my head towards Jack, I don’t know what to say. Surely, if King went back for me, he would have told me. It doesn’t change anything, or it changes everything, and I’ve been fighting him for no reason.
Jack continues on, “King got back here, and he self-destructed. He drank himself to sleep for years. He has hated himself for years for walking away from you. I know we didn’t hear everything you went through, but my son…he has always loved you, Sparrow.”
I stare at Jack, unsure what to say. I try not to dwell on the times when I had nothing to eat, or when I stole a loaf of bread after going three days without food because I’d spent my last bit of money on formula.
Sorry, Walmart.
“Jack…I don’t know who I am when I’m not in fight or flight. I’m not the person King remembers. He doesn’t want this version of me.”
“You see yourself as broken, but you are the furthest thing away from broken. You don’t think that he would want the person that protected his kids at all costs? That went without for years so your kids could eat? He doesn’t want the person that went through hell and back, rising from the ashes? Darlin’, you are selling yourself short.”
He’s right, I don’t see myself as strong. I’m surviving, how, I don’t know. But I’m still here because of my kids. I woke up every day for them, not being able to leave them.
“I’ll deny saying this, but I’m begging you. Don’t just get up and leave, I’m getting my son back after all these years. I think he’s always going to be a little ass, but there’s light in his eyes. He needs you and those kids, and I can guarantee that he’ll protect you with everything he has in him.”
The door banging open saves me from having to respond. King and Telle walk through, laughing, and I can’t help but stare at them. I always knew that Telle looked similar to his dad, but seeing them side by side, there would be no doubt of their relationship. I can sense my son wants to let his dad in, but like me, he’s scared.
Sorry, kid, you got your trust issues from your mom.
“Morning. Sorry… I thought we would be back before you got up,” King tells me as he hands Telle a water.
Guzzling half the bottle, Telle puts down the water on the island and turns to me. “Mom…can we hang out here today?”
Taking in Telle’s wide eyes and small smirk, I momentarily soak in his excitement. This is a huge step for Telle, without words, he is letting King in faster than I am. I don’t miss the hopeful expression on King’s face.
“Umm. If your dad doesn’t already have plans, then yes. I just need to run home to get my iPad so I can do some work for some clients.”
“Awesome! I’m going to go shower and I’ll be in my room. Can you tell Loch when she gets back?” Telle says as he is practically vibrating from his spot next to King.
“Sure, bud,” I reply as my son runs out of the room, already having his bearing on this strange home.
Jack slowly stands up and holds my stare. I have a newfound respect for the man that I thought poorly of for years. His kids, like me, lived through hell, while he lived a life of crime that caught up to him. But the man I just spoke with was looking out for his son the best way he knows how.
“Well, I'll get out of your hair. Let me know if you guys want to have dinner later.” Jack slaps King’s shoulder on his way to the back door, leaving King and I alone.
King continues to make breakfast, while I steal glances at him. He's always attractive, but being attractive at seventeen is different than being attractive at twenty-five. His face is more defined, with a jawline that could cut glass. His light blue eyes still have the power to bring me to my knees.
And let’s not skip over the sparrow tattoo across his neck. I haven't stopped thinking about it since.
I don’t hate that at all.
“Get your fill?” King asks from the stove, laughter in his voice.
Feeling my face heat, I stare daggers at his back…the one that still doesn’t have a shirt on. “Hmm,” I respond, not knowing how much longer I will be able to keep him at arm’s length.
My life has gotten even more complicated. Is that even possible?
“Can you check on Loch, please?” I hate not knowing where my kids are. If they aren’t in school, they're with me. I know that my kids are safe with their dad and uncles, but I would have liked to be given the courtesy of knowing she was leaving.
“It looks like they're almost back.” Shooting my stare to King’s phone, I break out into a smile.
“You track your brothers?” I ask with laughter trying to escape.
“I track everyone I care about. As soon as I can get you to share your location with me, I’ll be tracking you too,” King responds like he won’t accept an argument from me. I don’t really mind, but I might fuck with him a little about it.
“You’ll be pretty bored; I’m a pretty boring person.”
“Somehow, I doubt that,” King answers while pulling plates from the cabinet. In the quiet, my stomach growls loudly. I’ve noticed the not-so-discreet looks the Bluff brothers have sent my way. Whether it’s because of the scars that mark my body or the fact that I’m painfully underweight, I’m not sure.
“Mom! Mom!” Loch yells as she runs inside. She is wearing a wide smile, that cracks some more ice around the almost dead organ inside my chest. My kids are so good. Not the kind of good that they get good grades, and they clean their rooms. The kind of good that they choose the outsiders to be friends with; the kids that are picked on. The kind of good that gives half of their lunch away to a kid that doesn’t have lunch.
And I have not given them a very good life.
A life they deserve.
“Good morning, my sweet Loch,” I say as I wrap my daughter in a hug.
“Uncle River got me a bunch of canvases, and he drew me a picture for my room! I’m going to tattoo just like him when I grow up,” she tells me excitedly.
“That’s amazing, Loch! Did you tell your uncle thank you?”
“Of course I did, Mom,” she responds to me, and if I’m not mistaken, with a roll of her eyes.
“I think your dad has breakfast ready, can you go get your brother? He’s in his room.”
Loch runs off, and I’m caught off guard when I look up and find both River and King staring at me.
River surprises me when he speaks first, “You’re a good mom, Sparrow.” River was never a big talker; I see that hasn’t changed over the years. Out of the three brothers, River has changed the most. He now has long hair, from what I’ve seen, he mostly wears in a man bun. Other than his face, every inch of skin is covered with tattoos. He was always the sweetest brother, but many wouldn’t know that because of his timidness, and now his outward appearance.
“Thank you, River. They are my whole world. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.” That’s probably a standard answer from a lot of parents, but after the attack, they're the only reason I pushed through the painful and long recovery.
The kids come running back into the room, saving me from any further explanation. Loch immediately goes to sit between King and River. I have to look away before the pang of guilt hits me, even though it’s misplaced. Loch and Telle should have always had this, but there isn’t anything I can do about it now.
All I can do is move forward and nurture the relationship between the kids and the Bluff family. Except I don’t know if I fit into that relationship.
Sitting down after the kids are in bed, I turn on my iPad, ready to get to work. I meant to do this earlier, but once Ace got back to the house, we had a movie marathon, played games, and Telle and King went outside to play soccer.
It was the type of day that when you think back on it, you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Sure, there have been good days, but those don’t take away from the bad. From the days that I didn’t know how I was going to get us to tomorrow.
“What are you working on?” King surprises me when he sits down next to me on the couch. For the most part, King has kept his distance from me today. Through my staring today, I have come to the conclusion that he was always meant to be a dad. I should have figured that. He was always the caregiver when we were growing up.
“Right now, I’m just updating my social media. Then I have a dark romance cover to finish and get to my client. And then tomorrow I’m starting a fantasy cover,” I tell him as I check my messages.
“Do you think I could see some of your work?” This is something new, King never used to get nervous.
Deciding to throw the man a bone, I show him my camera roll that showcases all of my work. I love being able to create beautiful covers for authors, bringing their visions to life.
“Bird, these are amazing,” King whispers as he continues swiping through the images. The recognition feels good but also makes me feel uncomfortable. Sure, I get amazing feedback from my clients and their readers, but this is different. This is King, my Kingston.
“Thank you, Kingston.” King winces at me not calling him King, but I can’t yet. Calling him King would mean that I’m ready to open up to him. That I’m ready to be Bird and King, and as much as I want to, I can’t go there yet.
King hands me back the iPad before clearing his throat. “I went back for you. I know it was too late, but I did go back.” Standing up, King starts to pace in front of the couch. “You should blame me for the past eight years, but I was just a kid. Could you imagine the kids making that choice in a few years?” With that bomb, King leaves me alone in the living room.
I can’t imagine the kids being in the situation he and I were in. He thought he was doing the right thing for me, that I deserved better than him. That one decision sent me on more than one trip to hell. If I let him in and he left me again, there is a very good chance it could kill me.
Deciding that getting lost in work is better than getting lost in my mind, I pick up my iPad and get back to work. Surprisingly, I’m ahead of schedule, and I intend to stay that way.
After working until I can feel myself nodding off, I sneak into King’s room. Hopefully, he’s sound asleep and won’t notice. We need to have a real conversation. I can't keep sleeping in his bed, and building the wall around my heart every morning.