Chapter 9 #2
“Because it wasn’t your fault.”
She wiped a tear from my face that I wasn’t aware of. “I’m so proud of you, Oakley. You’re my inspiration. You deserve to be happy.”
“Thanks, Mum,” I whispered.
“Cole makes you happy, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah, he does.”
“I bet he’d come to Australia if you asked him.”
“I didn’t ask him to do that four years ago, and I won’t now.”
“You could always move back here.”
“Trying to get rid of me?”
“Yeah, you’re a pain in the arse.” She laughed through a shaky breath. “It’s something you should consider… if you want it.”
“I don’t know if I could live here again.”
There was a lot here, years and years of memories, and although I was enjoying visiting home, I wasn’t sure I could deal with them permanently. But how was I going to say goodbye to Cole again?
“Don’t let those monsters ruin your future, Oakley. Find a way of being with Cole if that’s what you want. He’s one of the good ones, you know.”
“I know he is. I just don’t know if it could work. If he moved to Australia and left behind his family, friends, job, and now his house, he’d end up resenting me.”
“You’re wrong. That boy could never resent you.”
“He might, and I’m not willing to take that risk.”
Mum shook her head, and her smile told me how silly she thought I was being.
I didn’t think anyone truly understood my feelings for Cole. He would always come before me.
“Miles is one of the good ones, too.” I held my breath as I waited for her to respond.
She sighed and stroked the handle of the mug.
“Miles and I are friends. That is all either of us wants.”
I opened my mouth to argue with her blatant lie. They were both crazy about each other.
“Please,” she said. “Not tonight.”
“Okay. Another night, then.”
“Have you spoken to Cole much about the trial?” she asked, moving straight off the topic of Miles.
“A little, yeah.”
“You never speak to me about it.”
Why would she want me to talk about it with her? We only discussed the days we’d attend.
“I didn’t think you’d want to. I didn’t want you to feel guilty.”
“I’ll feel guilty whether you talk about it or not. You should be able to talk to me. I want you to. Will you tell me how it started?”
Instantly dropping my smile, I swallowed hard.
She wanted to talk about that?
“W-What?” I whispered.
“If it’s too hard, I’ll understand, but I think we both need to do this before the trial.”
The details were between me, the police, and my therapist.
That was about to change, but I never wanted Mum and Jasper to know everything. It would be too much.
“You really want to know now? You’re sure?” I asked, curling my trembling fingers into my palms.
I watched her gulp. She didn’t want to; she had to.
“Yes. I need to know before I hear it court. Do you think you can?”
I had managed to go four years without completely shattering her heart. Now, I was going to finish the job. She was right, though. It would be better telling her like this rather than in a courtroom full of strangers.
“Okay,” I said, building another ten metres onto the wall and telling her the facts robotically, as if I were giving her a shopping list.
It was cold and detached and the only way I could get the words out.
I didn’t stop when she started crying or when it looked like she was going to be sick, even though I wanted to.
She sat silently, pale faced and wide-eyed, as I told her how Dad had watched everything Frank did to me, right from the beginning.
How scared I was and how afraid I’d become of my own father.
I told her how I’d blamed myself for years—how I’d thought it was all my fault.
When I told her that I’d tried to tell her a week after it’d started, but Dad had gotten to me first and told me not to talk again, she sobbed.
“Honey, I…” She gasped for breath and pulled me into a hug. “I-I don’t know…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” I sank into her side, trying to disappear.
Now, she knew. Now, she would have those demons inside her head, too.
“You are so brave, my beautiful girl.”
I didn’t feel brave. I’d run halfway across the world to escape from everything. Tired and desperate were better words I would use to describe myself. I was tired of trying to move on. Tired of seeing their faces. Tired of being scared that they would somehow get to me again.
But I had to keep going, as exhausting as that was some days. I was determined that one day I would make it.
I would think about my past less and less, the way I had before the trial stuff started again. There would be nothing else coming up. I could finally let the wounds scab over and heal. The scars would remain, but there was nothing I could do about that.
Her hands shook as she picked up her mug. She didn’t drink anything. “I keep trying to think of things that I missed… but there’s nothing.”
“Because we didn’t let there be anything.
I didn’t want you to find out as much as he didn’t.
Dad told me so many different things over the years.
He told me that you would hate me, you wouldn’t want me anymore, that Jasper and I would be taken away, that it would kill you, and that you wouldn’t believe me.
I was so scared. As I got older, I thought you might believe me, but I knew it would break your heart, and I didn’t want that.
After it stopped, I convinced myself that everything would be okay, so I forced myself to leave it in the past.”
“I believe you. I would have always believed you.”
“I know that now, and it means a lot.”
Mum pulled me into another hug; this one was tighter, almost rib cracking.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on here?” Jasper asked, appearing in the doorway. “Oh, I see—having secret hot chocolate moments without me. I’m hurt.” He pretended to stab his heart.
Mum sighed and shook her head in discouragement.
“Sit down, Jasper.” She got up to make him a drink.
“Sorry about earlier. I wasn’t thinking. We cool?” he asked, taking a seat.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just forget it.”
“Okay. So, what are you two talking about? How awesome I am?”
Mum snorted, which made me laugh.
“See? This is why I’m unable to love,” he said, waving his hand in Mum’s direction.
“Well, actually, it was Abby whoring herself to another man, but you’re not helping.
When you’re sitting in your big death chair in the retirement home, crying to yourself about never seeing your only son getting married, just remember it was half your fault. ”
“Jasper!”
I stared at him with the same dumbfounded look as Mum.
Those fine words came from an adult.
“A death chair in a retirement home?” Mum repeated, shaking her head.
From everything in that little speech, that’s what stood out to her?
“Yeah. All those old people have a chair they always sit in, and ninety percent of them will die there.”
I shook my head. “Wow.”
I wasn’t even going to try. Mum opened her mouth but shut it quickly.
It was best not to encourage him.
“What are you two doing tomorrow?” Mum asked.
“I’m going to buy some new games because I’m so bored, I almost picked up a book.”
He needed to. If there was anything in the world that could help Jasper, it was reading.
“I’m guessing Oakley’s hanging out with Cole, and they’ll make eyes at each other and pretend they’re not minutes away from ripping each other’s clothes off.”
“Shut up, Jasper.”
“I don’t think I will. You should just get it over already. We all know you want to.”
“I’m tired.”
“Of course, you are,” Jasper muttered.
“Okay. Night, sweetheart. Love you,” Mum said.
“Love you, too, Mum.” I turned to look at them, and they were both smirking at me. “Shut up!”
I hated when Jasper was right. It didn’t happen often, but when it did, we never heard the end of it. The truth was, Cole and I had been getting closer, and it was only a matter of time before something happened. I didn’t even want to stop it anymore.
I got back into my bed, and this time, I was tired. It was almost three in the morning. My phone was on the futon beside my pillow.
Would Cole be mad if I called him now?
Before I could think myself out of it, I dialled his number. The worst that could happen was for him to tell me to call again in the morning.
“Hello?” Cole murmured on the third ring. His voice was thick with sleep, raspy and sexy.
I almost groaned, remembering how he’d woken me up a few times before. Early morning, hands roaming over my skin, erection against my back, and husky whispers in my ear.
“Hi.”
He groaned. “This’d better be good, Oakley. I was having a real nice dream.”
“Yeah? What about?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Yes, God, yes, I wanted to know.
“Let me guess… you were naked?”
His breathing hitched down the line. “We both were.”
This time, I did groan, my body suddenly burning hot.
“Want to know what we were doing?”
“I think I can guess.”
Chuckling, he added, “It was very hot.”
We were so far apart. I wanted to push my hand inside my pyjamas, but I was a bit chicken. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I asked.
“Oh, you have no idea. Are you going to spank me for being bad?” I could hear the smirk in his voice.
“Yes, definitely… Well, after I tied you to the bed and ripped off your clothes.”
The line went silent.
Ha.
“Promise?”
“Oh my God, Cole!”
“You coming over? I don’t have any handcuffs but I can definitely make something work.”
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He chuckled. “I was sleeping. Now I’m lying in bed, hard as steel, talking to a beautiful girl.”
“Really? I should let you go, then.”
“Yeah, you’re kind of disturbing us.”
“Well, I’ll see you when you’re done with her.”
“There’s not really another girl. You know that right?” His voice changed, playful to serious.
“Duh. There’s no way anyone would put up with you.”
“You’re insulting yourself.”
“Oh, very funny. Oakley loves Cole. Oakley insults herself.”
“Say that again,” he whispered.
“Oakley insults herself?” I repeated, smiling into the darkness, knowing that wasn’t what he wanted me to say.
“No… the other bit.”
“Oh. Very funny?”
“Where are you going to go now? There’s only one thing left you said.”
“I love you, Cole,” I whispered. “You know that.”
“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t hurt you to say it once in a while.”
I laughed, shaking my head.
“I love you, too,” he said.
I closed my eyes. Those words were worth coming back for.
“So, you’re really not coming over to spank me? You’ve got me all hot.”
And… moment gone.
“Good night, Cole.”
He was still laughing when I cut the call.