Chapter 20
JIYA
Juggling the restaurant and the children was not easy for me.
I had forgotten what it was like to have an infant.
Waking up to feed Emma in the middle of the night, passing out in the rocking chair from sheer exhaustion, dropping Lucas off at school, and then heading to the restaurant with my daughter strapped to me drained every bit of energy from my body until I felt like a battery running on empty.
The sleepless nights, the endless days, and the gruelling schedule of dealing with work, school, and the house made me feel and look like a walking zombie.
Some mornings, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I barely recognized the tired woman staring back at me with dark circles under her eyes and hair that had been thrown together in a hurry.
Even though I loved being a mother, I was grateful to have Geeta helping me.
With Lucas, I had Patty, and now with Emma, I had Geeta.
Still, there were moments when I found myself wishing I had my birth mother to guide me through both of these journeys.
I longed for someone who would take care of me in the instinctive way mothers seemed to know how to do.
Someone who would pass down family recipes through generations, tell me which medications worked best, teach me old tricks for curing rashes and coughs, and gift me with some treasured heirloom, even if it were something as silly and simple as a gumball machine.
I wanted those tiny pieces of history and comfort that came so naturally to other women, and the ache of not having that sometimes sat in my chest like an empty chair at the table when I was already at my most vulnerable.
One morning, while refreshing my email on my phone and breastfeeding my daughter, I said softly, “Hmm... let’s see if there is some good news today, Emma.” My voice was light, but I was hoping for something, anything, that might brighten the exhaustion-heavy morning.
When nothing popped up, disappointment sank into me immediately. “That’s alright,” I murmured, trying to sound cheerful as I adjusted my bra and buttoned my blouse after feeding her. “Time to see Daddy, my darling.”
I typed Caleb’s name on my phone, and numerous pictures flooded the screen, lifting my spirits in an instant. A small, helpless smile curved my lips as I angled the screen toward Emma. “There’s Daddy, Emma. See... Daddy... you’ve got his beautiful eyes.”
It gave me a good excuse to show my daughter what her father looked like, and it reminded me to keep Caleb in my thoughts even as I tried to move forward.
Lucas bounced into the room minutes later.
He took extra special care of Emma and hovered around her with the sweetest mixture of curiosity and protectiveness.
He was always so gentle and careful with her, as though he already understood how precious she was.
Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and keep me company while I fed her, rubbing his sleepy eyes and asking questions.
Proud beyond measure of his new sister, he had taken her outside with Geeta’s help the week after we came home from the hospital and introduced her to all the children in the neighbourhood as if he were presenting them with someone incredibly important.
“Mama, she’s so pretty and small. Will she grow up soon so I can play with her?” he asked one afternoon when he came back from school, rocking her carefully in his arms.
“She is lucky to have a big brother like you, and I’m sure she can’t wait to grow up and play with you too,” I said with a smile, sitting beside him and watching the tenderness on his face.
As the months passed, I found myself constantly taking pictures of Emma and recording all her little quirks.
I had done the same with Lucas when he was a baby, and now I was doing it all over again, except this time it felt even more bittersweet because I knew how quickly those precious stages would disappear.
I pasted the pictures into an album and divided them into sections for each month.
These were moments I wanted to treasure forever, moments I never wanted to lose to time.
I placed the albums on shelves in Lucas’s room and in Emma’s nursery, surrounding us with memories I could hold onto.
Elle and Karl surprised me with a visit one weekend when Emma was four months old.
Lucas was thrilled that Noah was with them, and the entire house came alive with commotion and noise.
Laughter spilled from room to room, feet pounded across the floors, and voices overlapped until the place felt warm and full in a way that reminded me how much I had missed having people I loved nearby.
Cole popped by on Saturday night, and we all spent a wonderful evening together. By then, he had practically become a constant in our lives. He dropped in every second day to check on Emma and me, and sometimes he gave me the greatest gift of all by giving me a break so I could sleep.
“You want me to take over?” he asked that evening.
“Yes, please,” I said, handing my daughter over to him.
“I’ll rock her to sleep while you finish eating your dinner.”
I nodded, grateful beyond words for the simple kindness.
“Man, he’s hot, Jiya,” Elle muttered to me after Cole walked down the hallway with Emma in his arms. “How do you manage to find such gorgeous men in your life? Harper, Caleb, and now Cole?”
I giggled before I could stop myself and looked over at him.
He was patting Emma to sleep while somehow managing to play with Lucas and Noah at the same time. There was something effortlessly comforting about the way he moved around children, the way he fit himself into the rhythm of the house without making it feel intrusive.
He is a good-looking man. I had first noticed it when Delia pointed it out to me, but it was impossible not to see it now. He had become even more handsome after his makeover and rehabilitation. There was a healthiness to him now, a steadiness and confidence that had not been there before.
“Whatcha thinking?” Elle asked, snapping me back to the present with a teasing look.
“Nothing,” I lied, instantly embarrassed that she had caught me staring. “Nothing at all.” I smiled, but heat rose to my cheeks.
The weekend passed by with laughter and stories. By the time Elle and her family left, I was already looking forward to the next time they would come visit.
Two weeks after Elle and Karl had come over in July, Cole came for dinner one night and announced, “I’ve decided to sell the house.”
I stopped eating and looked at him.
“I was thinking of buying an apartment. I don’t need such a big house, so I decided to put it on the market. Plus, I moved all my equipment to the gallery.”
Cole had started doing well for himself, with people hiring him as their photographer for all sorts of events—birthdays, maternity shoots, weddings, and other special occasions.
He had purchased a small space and converted it into a gallery on Main Street, which was close to both my house and the restaurant.
I was proud of him. He had worked hard to rebuild his life, and seeing him move forward was inspiring.
“This is a great step forward,” I said, smiling warmly at him.
“Will you help me check out apartments?” he asked, leaning forward slightly. “If you’re not too busy?”
“I would love to.”
Lucas appeared from around the corner after changing into his pyjamas. “Are you leaving us too?” he asked, his voice small and sad.
“No, of course not, buddy.” Cole scooped him into his arms immediately. “I’m just moving to a smaller place because the house is too big for me.”
Lucas’s lips curled downward in worry.
“I’m not going to leave you. I promise!” Cole said, looking straight into his eyes.
A slow smile spread across my son’s face. After hugging Cole good night, Lucas ran upstairs to go to sleep.
“I’ll be right up to read to you,” I called after him.
As I thought about what Lucas had asked, I could not blame him for feeling that way.
I could not blame Caleb either. Lucas had become close to Caleb and had quietly started seeing him as a father figure, even though he never said it aloud.
When he first came to the village, he had been withdrawn and careful, but over time, he had opened up, made friends, and found his footing again before starting school.
I never wanted him to feel abandoned or disappointed like that again.
“Who was the ‘too’ Lucas was referring to?” Cole asked.
I picked up our finished plates and headed to the sink, with him following close behind. Not wanting to lie to him, I decided to be selective with the information I shared. “Lucas got close to one of the men I dated, and when things ended, he was sad.”
“Is it the same man who is Emma’s father?” he asked.
My heart tightened instantly. The past rushed back so quickly it stole my breath.
In a barely audible voice, I answered, “Yes.”
“Does he know about the baby?” he asked, turning me toward him.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, lowering my eyes because I could not bear for him to see everything I was feeling.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Then he pulled me into an embrace.
It was a warm, comforting, friendly hug, and yet it reached somewhere deeper inside me.
It had been so long since I had been held like that, so long since I had felt the simple comfort of being gathered into someone’s arms.
For a moment, I let myself lean into it.
“I’m sorry I brought it up.” He kissed the top of my head and then looked down at me. “I’m here for you, and I always will be.”
He held my gaze.
My pulse raced wildly. My heart hammered hard against my chest. The same feeling rushed through me that I had felt when he cupped my face at the hospital entrance.
Seconds passed.
I needed to stop this inexplicable feeling.
This guilty feeling twisted around something new, like two threads pulling in opposite directions.
I cleared my throat and pulled away from him abruptly. “I’m tired,” I lied. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”
After he left, I waited for Geeta to return from walking Oreo.
A few minutes later, she unlocked the front door and came in.
“You forgot to lock the door again,” I said sharply.
I was upset, more upset than the situation probably called for, but I could not help it.
I knew I did not have to worry about Jeremy anymore, but the thought of the door being unlocked, even for ten minutes or less, sent fear crawling up my spine like a cold shadow.
Yes, it was a safe neighbourhood.
Yes, I knew everyone.
Still, my past had left me constantly on edge.
“Sorry, Didi,” Geeta said.
“Please be careful. I don’t want a stranger entering the house. It’s dangerous.”
“Sorry, Didi,” she said again. Then she added gently, “But Didi, when was the last time you heard about someone breaking and entering in this neighbourhood?”
“Hmmm,” I said. “Still lock the door, please.”
I walked upstairs to my bedroom, knowing what Geeta said was true. Everyone knew everybody in this village. The crime rate was almost nonexistent. I needed to relax and let go of my fear. Or rather, I needed to learn how to do that.
When I reached my bedroom, my thoughts shifted right back to Cole. The moment we had shared earlier came rushing back in vivid detail.
Not wanting to overthink it, I tried to shrug it off, but his words stuck with me.
I’m here for you, and I always will be.
I had once been desperate to hear those exact words from someone else. Hearing them now should have comforted me completely, but instead, they stirred old pain. The person who had once said them to me was no longer there, and that absence hurt more than the words had soothed me in this moment.
I did not want to have anyone in my life again.
I did not want to depend on anyone again.
I already had enough on my plate with Lucas, the baby, and the restaurant.
That was all that mattered to me now.
That was all that mattered in the end, too.