10. Gray
TEN
GRAY
"How is she? Is she okay?" I asked when Jude called to tell me he'd talked to his mother.
"I don't know. I fucked up, Dad."
"What happened?" I asked in a panic.
"I started to ask her what she was doing, and she told me that she wouldn't talk to me if I disrespected her."
"Jude?"
"I feel like an asshole. She sounded so sad and loving in that I'll-always-love-you kind of way, and it pissed me off."
I leaned back on my chair in my office and closed my eyes. "Why does it annoy you?"
"It's just that she's always so damn giving that she makes it hard, you know?"
I thought about it for a moment and snapped my eyes open. "No, son, I don't know. Your mother is giving and loving. Why the hell are you so angry with her?"
"I…just…don't know."
"Is it because you see me mistreat her?" I hated having to ask this question, but I knew I had to.
"You don't treat her badly, Dad. You're so patient with her; you're good to her."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Of everyone in my life, you're the only one saying that. Everyone else has been congratulating me because they think I've been treating your mother like shit because I wanted her to take off."
"I don't see that."
"And they think I'm screwing around with Aimee." I threw that in because I was frustrated.
Long pause.
"Jude?"
"Well, Willow and I wondered. It's none of our business, Dad, and—"
"What do you mean? You guys would be okay with me cheatin' on your mother?" I bellowed.
Jude growled. "I don't know. Okay? I just don't know, Dad."
"I never cheated on Rose. I never wanted to. I still don't. I've only ever loved her. I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where the marriage I thought I had is not what anyone around me seems to think I had. And the worst part is I don't know what Rose thought of our marriage."
"You do know, Dad," Jude said wearily. "She left."
That struck me in my solar plexus like a fucking thunderbolt. "Yeah."
"I have her number. I'll send it to you."
"Thanks."
"Dad, I don't know how to make it up to her."
"You and me both, son."
"Dad?" Jude sounded like a little boy.
"Yeah?"
"Am I horrible son?"
Fucking hell! "Not to me, but, yeah, you've been treating your mother poorly, and I failed to notice that. But everyone else did see it, including always-stoned Mike."
Jude chuckled at that, as I hoped he would. "I think I should talk to someone."
"Yeah?"
"I think so. A friend of mine went through something, and she went to a therapist. She said it helped. Dad, Mama wasn't angry when I talked to her. She was just resigned, you know? She said she loves me but won't tolerate my disrespect. I feel so ashamed."
I heard the tears in his voice. My son had emulated me. This was on me.
"Jude, this started with me. I ignored your mother and taught you to do that. It's my fault. You talk to someone, and I…I'll talk to your mother. I'm going to fix this." I had no clue how to do that, but I was the Dad, yeah? It was my job to fix things no matter how screwy they got.
"You are?"
"I have no choice, son. I can't live without your mama. The past two weeks have been hell. I can't breathe without my Rose." This was the bald truth. I'd die without her.
After I finished talking to Jude, I went up to the window of my office and looked out at downtown Atlanta, my stomach feeling hollow. What the fuck kind of man was I?
"You're the best man I know, my darling Gray."
"Why do you always call me that? My darling Gray?" I suckled her nipple because it was close to my mouth.
It was a couple of years ago, and we'd just had sex. She was still wet and messy with my cum between her thighs. Since the kids had left home, our sex life had changed. We had sex wherever we wanted. This time, we were on the leather couch in the living room.
She was sitting up, and I was snuggled into her.
"Because you are, my darling. I…you don't like it?"
"It's not that. It's just…you’ve been calling me that for years."
"Since the beginning."
I stroked her other breast and squeezed the nipple.
I was still as fascinated with Rose's body and her as I'd been when I took her virginity.
Rose was the sexiest woman I'd ever known—but it was more than her beauty and her body; it was her warmth.
When she was with me, I was in a safe cocoon, and all my worries were far, far away.
"Say you love me?" I demanded, moving her so she covered me.
She kissed my mouth and smiled.
"I love you, my darling Gray."
My heart felt so full I thought it would burst with love for her.
I positioned her to straddle me so I could slide inside her again, stay inside her; it was my favorite place in the world.
"Good girl. Now, ride me because I'm hard again."
I realized that I didn't say it back. I didn't tell her I loved her too.
When was the last time I told her I loved her? I couldn't recall.
Did I stop saying it? I used to say it. I always told our kids, but I don't think I said it to Rose.
Why had I stopped? I still loved her. The fact that I could barely function right now made that evident.
I needed her. I knew that. I asked her, commanded her to say she loved me and didn't give her the words back. I didn't give her the actions either. What the hell else was she supposed to do but think that I didn't want her?
Anger surged through me. I rammed my fist through the wall, leaving a shallow divot that bruised my knuckles.
Aimee knocked on my door and opened it without waiting for my answer. I turned to look at her and saw her eyes went straight to the crack in the wall.
"Yes?"
I really didn't have time for her today.
Or the patience. The fact that she thought I was interested in her made me angry as a bull with a red cape in his face.
I thought of her as almost a kid. I was her mentor.
She was my right hand. A close colleague.
I was going to hire only male EAs from now on so that people would shut the fuck up.
Or maybe the next rumor would be that I'm gay!
"There's a Leah Stahl here to see you."
My heart skipped a beat before it resumed pumping again. I had planned to reach out to Leah to find out where Malou's B it happens. But all the time?"
Leah and Rose were friends—real friends, not the society kisses-in-the-air bullshit. When Ken and Leah divorced, I pretty much continued my relationship with Ken. I told Rose she couldn't invite Leah to parties at our place if Ken was there with his new wife.
"But, she's my friend, Gray," Rose protested.
"Ken and I work together. You know how it is."
"Then let's not invite Ken over this one time. Maybe we can have Leah over—"
"I'm not having this discussion with you, Rose."
"But, Gray, Leah is—"