Chapter Seventeen
McKenna is sitting at the counter eating her avocado toast, why? Because its her favorite food, I dont know where she got that from exactly as Im a junk food hoe, but at least my girl is eating right. She loves her toast, barely toasted, her avocados sliced thin, an over easy egg on top, with her everything seasoning. This kid kills me sometimes. She does a little dance as she eats, the demons leaving her body, and the darn girl gets hella hangry. Orange juice? She asks kindly, holding her empty cup up.
Youve had a glass already, how about some milk or water? I reply, taking her cup from her. I set it in the sink and grab her a new one.
Water. I can hear her take another bite of her food as I put the new cup to the fridge to get her water from the door.
Mommy has to work today, Miss Bailey will be over here in a little while, I tell her as I set the cup half full of water down.
Her light brown hair falls into her face and she uses her tiny hands to push it away so she can drink her water. Mmm. So good. She giggles as she puts the water down. Everything about her is perfect, her cute little button nose, her soft loose ringlets, those dark big round eyes. I love her with my whole heart, and I will do anything to keep her safe and away from the chaos that my family brings. My father called me just before I left and asked to see McKenna. I told him that if he wanted to see my daughter, then hed have to come to my house. Im not putting her in the same house as my mother. I dont need her judging me for how my daughter looks, acts, or dresses. Im done, can I go put my dress on? She asks so clearly. The last six months her vocabulary has shot through the roof and Im so proud to hear her speaking in full sentences, with manners. Ive never shown her a dark day in her life, and shes thriving. When I have my episodes, which are far and few these days, I call Bailey to come sit with McKenna. She doesnt need to see me manic. Im just glad Ive learned to recognize the signs. I take medications for my chemical imbalance as they called it, but sometimes Ill forget. There are times when I wont remember for a week. Theres also been times when my body has gotten used to the meds and I become immune. The doctor switches the meds and usually, within a few days, Im fine. But sometimes, Im not.
Thankfully I have Bailey. Bailey is the daughter of the man who trained me how to be a tattoo artist. I studied under him for two years, worked in his shop, and completed my hours. Then for two more years, I just worked with him instead of for him. He said I had a natural talent for tattooing, that I could put on skin what most couldnt put on paper. Then a year ago I started the process of opening my own shop, and I made my dream come true eight months ago. Everyone traveled to see me, even before I owned my own shop. But now that I have my own shop, Im booked six months out. I have two days off with McKenna and every morning with her.
Brush your teeth. I shout to her as she runs down the hall. I disappear into my room to start getting ready for work, thick makeup, and of course my black clothes. Today Ill rock a pair of biker boots though, after wearing my thigh highs on the plane because I lost a good shoe somewhere, I need a break from the platforms. The doorbell chimes and I hear McKenna running down the hall. Careful, what if its not Bailey! I stand up, trying to catch her, but as I turn the corner, she has the door open and I drop my boot to the floor.
Hello! McKenna squeals. Youre the guy from the pictures! she giggles. My heart drops at the sight of him standing in my doorway.
Picking up my shoe, I put it on so I’m not so lopsided. McKenna, you know better than to open the door. Back to your room and finish getting ready. Shes got her pink dress on and its not like she needs shoes. So asking her to finish getting ready makes no sense, but I’m not ready for this conversation.
Momma, I am dressed. She says, turning her head to look at me as I close the gap between us.
Im McKenna. She holds a tiny hand out to West and I suck in a breath, waiting for someone to wake me up. This morning when I woke up, I didn’t see this happening. This was not on my bingo card for this year, or any year.
Hello McKenna, Im Westley. He squats down to her level, still standing in the door. Whens your birthday? He asks.
May second. I just had my birthday! She cheers herself. Im four now.
Thats a mighty strong birthday. He says. Is it alright if I talk to your momma alone for a minute?
Why? She asks, looking from him to me. My heart is thundering in my chest, and I feel the bile rising in my throat. Im going to be sick, this is not - why is he here?
Well, we have some grown up things to talk about, and Im not sure your Momma wants me to say some of these words in front of you.
Ooooh, are you gonna say naughty words? She tucks her hands into her pockets, yes, her dress has pockets, all of them do.
Yes maam. So if you could ever so kindly, run along and play thatd be totally amazing. West holds up a high five and McKenna slaps her hand to his.
Okay! She dances her way down the hall and back to her room, shutting the door once shes inside.
Westley stands up, steps through the door and shuts it without saying a single word. Does he know? How did he find me? Why is he here? Fuck. What am I going to tell McKenna? I can feel the sweat on my palms as I just stare at him waiting for him to talk first, because he usually does.
Katherine. He states my name, there is no tone to it, just a simple word escaping his mouth.
Westley. I give him the same flat tone, leaving nothing on my tongue for him to guess how Im feeling about this.
McKenna? This time, theres a tone as he lifts a brow at me. Why didnt you tell me?
When? Four and half years ago when you wouldnt answer the phone, or the other night? I cross my arms, as if I’m protecting myself from this line of questioning.
The other night. I get why I wasnt told before, I fucked that all up. Hiding from you. Ive had some time to think about it and after I saw your brother and dad, I was a little upset, but Im fine now. He puts his hands on his hips, I think at least.
What happened when you saw my brother and father? I ask, hoping to steer the questioning away from this whole thing. I’m not ready to introduce my daughter to him as her father.
Well, first, I found Hilary riding your brother, although, Im almost certain that wasnt the first or the twentieth time that has happened. He shakes his head in disbelief. “They fit together so much better.” Then relief washes over him, like he’s glad to have that behind him.
Oh, Im sorry? I say, almost as if I’m asking if he’s actually hurt by this. Quickly lacing my fingers together behind my back I step one foot out and pop a hip.
Dont be, I was never meant for her. She was not my end game. He lifts an eyebrow at me, giving me one of his half smiles that always seems to melt my insides.
And you think I am?
I think you both are. He steps forward, pressing his forehead to mine. My wife and my daughter. I belong here. Ive always belonged here.
I will not cry.
I dont know about that, Westley. I whisper. Im not as okay as I made it seem the other night, my head sometimes gets confused, I get lost. Ive done better, found a way to-
I dont care, Kitty, you are mine, she is mine. This is where I belong. I have loved you for as long as I can remember, and I know you feel it too. He lifts his forehead off mine, and presses his lips there instead. I know you do. Give us a real chance, not like you did before, leading me along for the summer just to crush me in the end. I want all the feelings Katherine. Every. Single. One.
I try to breathe, but theres a lump stuck in my throat, one that reminds me of why I shouldnt have gone home, of course I love him. I love him so much it scares me. So much that I pushed him away, I set him free so he didnt have to be bound to a woman who would never be okay. Ill always have demons to face, shadows to fight, and I didnt want to drag him down. What if Im too broken? I ask.
“Broken just means different. Its a different view of life, were all a little broken. I look up into those dark eyes, the ones that my daughter has and I can see it all now, everything life has to offer. He is mine and I am his. Forever and always. This is what broken is, different, and I can learn to live with that. As long as hes by my side. My heart melts as I lean into him, feeling the world fall away.
No feelings.
Those words hit me hard and I push away from him, everything is making my head spin. He just showed up and what, everything is all fine now?