4. Amber
4
AMBER
The Past - Three years ago
“You can’t be serious?” Erica stares at me, her voice low. “If they find out what you’re doing, they’ll hang us both.”
I rip up the sleeve of my dress, exposing my bruised skin. “Do you think I want to live like this for the rest of my life?” I stammer. “Being afraid of the husband I was forced to marry? And what about you? Steven is completely insane!”
“I don’t know, Amber. This is extreme.”
I huff. “You’re just saying that because the time has come to make our escape and now you’re getting cold feet.”
“I swear to you, I’m not. But this? This is nuts!”
“It’s our only shot.”
“In a delivery van?” I can hear the incredulousness in her tone. “You’ve lost your ever-loving mind!”
“Can you think of anything better?” I challenge. “We both need to get out of here. Do you want what happened to us to happen to Olive?”
Erica shifts her gaze. Long in thought, she eventually meets my eyes again. “I don’t want to get caught and be punished. If we do, they’ll take Olive away.”
“They’re too in love with their own egos to think we’ll ever stray. Besides, I’ve been acting like a good little wife now for ages.”
Erica regards me with suspicion. “You have?”
I huff slightly. “I love how you always think the worst of me.”
“I don’t think the worst of you, but Vince is fully aware of your schemes, as are the rest of the village.”
“Do you honestly like being a prisoner here?” I whisper. “Erica, you can’t tell me this is how you thought life would be. We can both admit that my brother and Vince went too far in this thing, now they think they’re some kind of Messiahs to the masses.”
“Shh!” She looks around the empty garden as if someone could stumble upon us. All the men are at work or at the ministry.
“Nobody can hear us!”
“You don’t know that,” she mouths.
I can’t say I blame Erica for being paranoid. After twelve years of living in the compound, shit kinda gets to you. When my brother became a minister in the church, the power went to his head. He’s always been controlling and has looked upon me with disdain. I truly think that he brought me here after our dad left to dump me so I’d become someone else’s problem. Then he got friendly with Vince and the rest is history.
I also know she’s talking about Sara and Jude; Steven’s other two wives. Yes, the men in our village can take as many wives as they like, and we’re supposed to put up with them putting their hands on us whenever they feel like it. Steven has never beaten Erica to within an inch of her life like Vince has done to me, but he has slapped her around. He thinks because he hits her with an open hand it’s not abuse. I fucking hate him, but I hate Vince more.
I hold Erica’s shoulders. “Listen to me. Things are only going to get worse. I was promised to Vince at fifteen! I was a fucking child, and we know full well what happens to girls in this fucking place. Olive is ten now,” I say. “It won’t be long before she’ll be sacrificed to some old geriatric and forced to marry just like we were. There are more women than men in this shit hole for a reason.”
She stares at me, her face draining as she takes in my words. Surely, she’s thought about this before? It isn’t like she’s incapable of doing the math.
When Vince took me and Steven in, I thought he was a good guy. He always had a kind hand and words to match, complimenting me and making sure I never went without. He’s fifteen years older than me, an old man in my eyes, but especially when I was fourteen years old at the time we joined. I was forced to marry him at sixteen. Sixteen! I suppose I should’ve been grateful that I wasn’t any younger. Of course, it was what the Good Lord wanted from us. The fact I couldn’t fall pregnant, however, that was a huge problem and still is. I’m all but shunned and Vince has done everything, including beating the living shit out of me, trying to get me to produce an heir. I’ve always been his favorite wife; my sister wives Becky, Anne and Linda all have children. I guess the Lord just isn’t ready to bless our marriage. The more the years rolled on, the more I realized exactly how lucky I was to not fall pregnant. I’ve had two miscarriages, and they were no picnic, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that it isn’t meant to be. If I do ever have a child, it won’t be with him. He makes my skin crawl.
Erica chews on her bottom lip. “I don’t want that for my daughter.” Her face grows redder as she speaks, her anger bubbling. “She’s a child, just like you were.”
“It doesn’t matter about that.” I brush it off. If I think about the injustices that were done to me over the time I’ve been here, I’d never leave my own house. Somewhere deep inside, I know there’s a better life out there for me. “He will get what’s coming to him, they all will. This isn’t God’s plan: it’s their plan.”
She nods. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn't get us out of this, but I’ll admit that I’m afraid.”
I clutch her hands. “Now’s our chance. We can’t let this slip away.”
The delivery van comes into the village once a month, along with other delivery trucks for bigger items like hay for the animals and feed. Vince and Steven organize all the supplies with several of the other ministers. We have no shops and no contact with the outside world. Nobody has a phone or any technology. It’s like the Mormons and the Amish gave birth to a baby and that’s where we find ourselves. We’re literal prisoners.
We’re the outcasts because we both have spirit. That’s another thing the hierarchy doesn't like about women; opinions don’t matter. You’re here to cook, clean and reproduce. We’re not even allowed books unless they’re approved by the church.
I screw my eyes shut, my anger just as robust as Erica’s. We both want to leave so badly.
“There you are!” We both jump as we hear Sara call over the wall.
What the heck is she doing here?
“Sara.” I fold my arms over my chest. I don’t mind Sara, but loathe Jude. If she was the one to catch us out here, innocently watering the garden, she’d be running off to our husbands to make up lies about us. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” It is my home, after all. My sister wives are out assisting some of the other women with the weekend festivities over Easter. It keeps them out of my hair for a bit while I pretend to be helping out at home getting the baked goods ready.
“I was just trying to find Erica.” She smiles a little tightly, she’s afraid of me and for good reason. I fight back, and she of all people knows that I’ll smack her in the face if she ever touches me or says a bad word in front of my face.
“What for?” Erica puts her hands on her hips. “I’m foraging with my sister for the decorating table. I said I’d be back after lunchtime.”
“Steven needs you.”
Erica is very good at hiding the panic from her face. “Whatever for?”
Sara shrugs. “I don’t know, he didn’t say. I would assume it’s about the weekend and where he wants all of us.”
I try not to let the panic show in me, too, but I’m a little easier to read.
“Is that all?” I huff. “We’re busy, I’m sure this can wait.”
“Can I help?” She looks over at our empty baskets, a small frown on her face.
“No,” I say at the same time Erica says, “Of course.”
Sara looks between us both. It’s no secret that Erica and I are close, and I don’t like sharing my time with her with anyone else. She’s the only one in this godforsaken place that’s worth talking to, the fact that she hasn’t ratted me out when I first came to her to tell her my plans, just goes to show you what kind of person she is. We’ve both been brainwashed, but somehow we can see the wood through the trees. I’ve known for a long time she isn’t happy, and she’s been worried about the implications for Olive.
I give Erica a sharp look. “I’m sure Sara can run along and let my brother know you’re with me. It’ll put his mind at ease while we fill our baskets.”
We both know Sara came to spy. I guess we should be grateful it’s not Jude. She’d be all over us like a rash.
“That’s probably best.” Erica smiles and Sara smiles back. My eyes almost roll into the back of my head at how superficial this all is. How all of us walk on eggshells around one another, afraid to speak freely. But that’s how it is around here. Trust nobody, only each other.
I shoo her with my hand. “Bye now, thanks for stopping by.”
She frowns slightly, then waves and takes off. I look over the wall to make sure she’s really gone.
Erica turns to me. “Did you have to do that?”
“What?” I act as if I’ve no clue what she’s talking about.
“Giving her pause to cause a fuss will only arouse suspicion.”
“Suspicion for what, exactly?” I scoff. “They don’t know what we’re up to. Nobody does.”
“You know how Steven is. If he gets wind of any of this…”
“I think all of this devious behavior is making you more paranoid than normal,” I tell her. “It’ll be fine.”
“So we just hitch a ride with the delivery guy? I don’t think you’ve thought this through.”
“He won’t know. We’ll climb in the back, and if you have any other suggestions, other than scaling the wall, let me know.”
“Oh, my heavens, please do not tell me that’s your next plan?”
“What?” I shrug. “Have you got a better one? The gatekeepers won’t be concerned with him, they don’t even check his truck anymore. Plus, everyone will be so busy with the festival that they won’t notice a thing. Trust me.”
The gatekeepers are just that; two men that sit at the gates situated at the entrance to the village. Their only job is to oversee who comes and goes, maintain order and make sure nobody escapes. They don’t put any of that in the welcome booklet, though.
The men can come and go as they please, of course. Women, however? We can only leave if in the company of our husbands. I’ve only been outside these gates twice in ten years and that was with Vince by my side when we had to go to the doctors to get tests. That was when we learned I’m basically infertile.
“I just… I know you’re right. I’m just afraid.”
I cup her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “Erica, we have to do this. You know my brother won’t give Olive an exception and she’ll be married off young, too. They’re both talking about taking on more wives, expanding the compound. Since I can’t give Vince an heir, he wants to take another wife.”
“What?” she whisper-shouts. “A fifth wife?”
“He’s demented,” I say. “The pigs in the mud are of higher status than he is.”
“But how will we survive out there? What will we do for money?”
We’ve already discussed this, but I know she needs reminding from time to time. “I have a little saved from what I’ve managed to stash away when Vince is drunk,” I say. “It’ll be enough to buy a bus ticket to somewhere. Anywhere . We’ll get help, they have refuges and things. I just know we will be okay. We have to have faith. Anything is better than this. Don’t back out on me now, we need to stick together.”
“I’m not,” she whispers. “But you have to promise me, if anything happens and we get split up?—”
“We won’t.”
“You get Olive out,” she finishes. “All that matters is she is safe and away from here.”
I nod. “You know I’ll guard her with my life.”
She stares at me, her golden eyes sad as we make our preparations to get the fuck out of here. “Okay. I’m in.”
“For real?”
“Yes! For real.”
I pull her into a hug, barely able to contain my excitement. It’s a crazy plan, but I’ve talked to Carlo, the driver, a few times. He delivers the flour, eggs and milk when we run out of our own supplies; usually Christmas and Easter. Making our getaway has never looked so promising and I’m kicking myself that I haven’t thought of it before. If he catches us? I don’t know… I haven’t thought that far ahead.
I take a breath. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to survive this. I don’t really know if that’s true, but I have to stay strong for Erica. She’s with me but I feel as if this kind of convincing could only mean she’s not certain. Heck, I’m not certain of anything, just that we have to try.
“Tell me you mean that,” I stammer, my eyes glazing over. I’ve dreamed of this day for so long.
“I mean it! I swear, I mean it. I just don’t have the… I don’t know… killer instinct like you do. I would never attempt this by myself.”
I want to laugh in her face. I don’t have a killer instinct; all of it is bravado. A mask that I’ve perfected over the years to protect myself. I’ve become so used to this lie that I truly believe we will be okay. We have to be because I can’t live for one more second like this. I can’t. I won’t. I’d rather die than be Vince’s sex slave who can’t keep her mouth shut.
One day I’d love to come back with a baseball bat and hit him with it until he’s suffered like all his wives have. I may not like my sister wives, but I don’t hate them enough that I think it’s right what he does to all of us. Ruling with an iron fist is the way of the church. They don’t want the women getting too ahead of themselves, heaven forbid if they had a mind of their own. All this is, I’ve come to realize, is a ploy to lure people in and suck them dry. They take all the money, control everything and we have to just sit by and take whatever they dish out. It isn’t fair. I was a child. I didn’t sign up for this, but my own brother sold me like a slave on the black market.
“I will get us out of this,” I promise. Those are some big words, but Erica needs to hear that right now, and I can give it to her. “I’ll get us away from here and we can start living how we want, you just have to trust me.”
She nods. “I trust you.” The look in her eyes; deep devotion and respect, makes my heart lurch. She’s my best friend and the sister I should’ve had. Betraying her husband, my brother, isn’t anything I’ve taken lightly. It’s a big fucking deal.
I pull her into another hug. “Whatever happens,” I whisper, “we stick together. We have to stick together.”
“And if we get caugh?—”
“No, don’t think like that. We won’t get caught. The men will think we’re enjoying the festivities, the women won’t care what we’re doing because they’ll be too wrapped up in the celebrations.”
I know she’s nervous, but if we don’t leave now, we may never escape this place. “I’m in.”
I smile. “We ride at dawn.”
Well, dawn takes a little longer than expected, and I’m growing more nervous on the coming Friday when the delivery truck arrives early. Shit! I can’t pack a bag because someone will want to know where I’m going, and if I dump it and someone finds it, we’re doomed. I literally have to leave with the clothes on my back and the money I stole tucked into my underwear. I feel like I should take a weapon for when we get out, just in case, but I have nowhere to hide it.
I sprint across the village, all under the guise of prepping for the main event. We’re baking fresh bread ready for tonight’s supper, and I thought we had a few more hours up our sleeves.
I make it to Erica’s and to my dismay, I run into Jude. “What on earth?” She gives me a once over, disapproval written all over her face.
“I’m running late,” I say, panting from my sprint.
“I can see that, but it’s not very lady-like to be running around out of breath. Shouldn’t you be helping your sister wives?”
I want to punch this woman in the face. It’s literally killed me this past month to be super nice to everyone and extra co-operative. I owe her nothing but because she’s Steven’s first wife, she thinks she has some hierarchy over the rest of us. “I’ve been helping them all week. Sara, Erica and I have always worked together over Easter, it’s a tradition.”
She scowls at me and it takes all my might not to reach over and scratch her eyeballs out. Like I need her permission to do jack shit. “I disagree, traditions should stay within your own home.”
“Let’s keep in with the Easter tradition of giving,” I sing-song, pushing past her to go find Erica. I’ll do and say anything to get away from the witch and I’m losing precious time.
“You won’t find Erica here!” she hollers after me.
I stop in my tracks. “Where is she?”
“She went into the village.” Why she looks so smug I’ll never know.
“Fine. I’ll go look for her there.” It kills me, but in the sweetest tone I can muster I add, “Do you need anything brought back?” Like a hole in the head?
Even Jude can’t rebuke my generosity; it isn’t the Christian way. “Uh, no, th— thank you, I have all I need.” Then, because she’s a sour-faced bitch who can’t help herself, she adds, “It’s not like you to be so thoughtful.”
“Oh, I’m full of surprises!” I yell, taking off down the laneway toward the village. I need to find Erica and fast. We don’t have much time.
As I’m running by the tables being set up outside the church, I have to think fast. Of course Jude wouldn’t have told me where Erica was even if she did know, so I have to put my thinking cap on. She knows today is the day, but she won’t be at the meeting point for two more hours, and by then, the van will have been and gone. With all the activity going on today, we won’t get another opportunity like this until next year. If I have to live another night here, I’ll scale that wall myself and suffer the consequences, I don’t even care anymore.
Erica wouldn’t be visiting friends, not today. She also wouldn’t let Olive out of her sight either, so they’re definitely not at the school, which is out for the holiday break anyway.
Suddenly, I know where she’ll be… My lungs burning and my legs killing me, I finally find the two of them, paint brushes in hand, putting the finishing touches on the table decorations at the shed where we store the outside tables and chairs.
“Erica!” I’m barely able to get the words out.
She turns and when she sees me, she pales. “Amber, are you okay?”
I double over, trying to catch my breath. There’s nobody else in the barn, only Olive who gives me a wave. She doesn’t know anything about what’s going on because we couldn’t run the risk of her accidentally telling anyone. Kids can be too honest, and the last thing we need is all of our prepping blowing up in our faces.
“The van,” I wheeze. “It’s here.”
Her eyes grow wide. “Already?”
I nod.
She places a hand over her mouth, unable to talk.
“We have to move, we’ve got maybe forty-five minutes.”
“To get through the entire village?”
“Yes, if we leave now, we’ll make it to Mcgregor’s farm.”
“No, we won’t.” Panic starts to rise in her. “It’s too far!”
“Mama?” Olive says, looking up from her painting. “What’s wrong?”
Erica wipes a tear. “Nothing, sweetie, nothing at all. I’m just having a talk with Amber.” She grabs my elbow and leads me away. “Go play with Anna.” Anna is her ragdoll she won’t go anywhere without.
“It’s too soon. They’ll see us!” she spits.
“No, they won’t, nobody will be there. The Mcgregors aren’t even at their place. Carlo will drop the bags off in the barn and that’ll be his last stop. It’s perfect.”
“You’re crazy,” she hisses. “I should never have agreed to this!”
I pull the collar of my dress to one side, showing her the fresh marks Vince left on my skin. “Do you think I agreed to this?”
Her scrutiny falls upon my skin and I see the sorrow there in her face. I know this is all she knows, but we’ve both lived in the outside world, we know that there’s more than this. Now is the time to truly believe that anything is possible.
She wipes her tears and puts on a brave face. “No, you didn’t, and neither did I.”
I take her hands. “We need to run for our lives.”