18- Landon “Breaker” Mercer
Walking around shaking hands, I kept glancing over at Pops.
Something about his mood was off, but I couldn’t figure out what it could be.
To anyone else, he seemed to be perfectly fine.
Smiling, answering questions, doing all the right things.
To me, his son, it looked mechanical. Finally making my way over to him, I waited for him to finish the conversation he was having.
Leaning over to Moms, I whispered in her ear.
“Hey, is he good?”
“Yeah, and I’m so proud of you son. You had me back here crying.
” Grabbing me, she hugged me tight before kissing me on my jaw.
More people came over, so she was back engaged in their conversations.
Pops turned towards me and gave me that same fake smile.
Either Moms didn’t want me to know, or she don’t know her nigga like she thinks she does.
“I told you that you would do good.” When he grabbed me, his body was stiff. Leaning back, I looked him over.
“Pops, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, son. We need to get ready to get up out of here though. You bout done?” I knew he was withholding, but I nodded my head. Walking over to Jr I dapped him up and said my goodbyes.
“Thank you for coming. It meant a lot.”
“Anytime. Hit me up if you need something.” I hugged him and headed out.
Once we got in the car, Moms was rambling talking about any and everything, but Pops was staring out the window in his own world.
Every now and then, I would respond to Moms, but I had a lot on my mind.
Before long, we pulled up to the house. I’m not sure if he realized it or not, but this was the first time Pops has ever left from around me and didn’t say a word.
He jumped out the car and went inside. I was about to leave when I thought better of it. Getting out, I walked in behind them.
“How did it go?” Nana was still sitting in the same spot.
“Cool,” was Pop’s response, so now I know I’m not tripping.
“You gone tell me what’s up?” He looked around as if he didn’t know who I was talking to.
“Who?”
“You nigga. What’s good?”
“I told you I’m fine.”
“You’re lying, but what I can’t figure out is why?”
“Don’t yall come in here with all that ghetto shit. I’m in a good mood, and I don’t want to hear all this ruckus.” We both ignored Nana. I stared him down while he tried to look away.
“Devin,” I called after him. This nigga really tried to walk away.
“What do you want me to say?” I could hear hurt in his voice, but that only confused me more.
“Tell me what I did wrong.” I don’t know why it came out in a whisper, but the thought of me possibly hurting him was fucking with me. Pops looked up and his face softened. Dropping down, he sat next to Nana on the couch putting his head in his hands.
“It’s not what you did. It’s me finding out what I did to you.” Now I was really confused.
“Wait, what?”
“Why didn’t you tell me I was the reason you ended up in the group home?” Now understanding, I sat down as well.
“Because I never wanted you to know. I never wanted you to feel like this.”
“You should have told me.”
“Why? So, you can do what you’re doing now. Blaming yourself for something I didn’t blame you for. I didn’t want that.”
“I get not telling me back then. When you couldn’t understand how your life was going to pan out, but years went by. Nigga, do you know how many times I tried to save you from that place, and you wouldn’t let me. If I had known-…”
“You would have tried to fix me, and I didn’t need fixing! I needed an ear. I needed a friend. I needed love. That’s what you gave me. If I had told you beforehand, we wouldn’t be here.”
“So, you’re saying you would have used me, but not fucked with me?” I was rendered speechless.
“This nigga so damn dumb. Gahhhh leeeeee!!! I can’t listen to this shit no more.
I’m going to get me a drink. Make sure yall speak up so I can hear yall in the kitchen.
” Nana got up and walked off. Moms sat down beside Pops and began rubbing his leg.
We all sat in silence for a while before she spoke.
“Devin, I understand why you’re shocked. However, I think you’re so busy hearing new knowledge, you’re missing the message.” Moms was on point with that shit.
“What message is that? All this time I thought I had said some profound shit. Hell, I done bragged on that for years. Whole time, what I said made his life better.” I stood up getting pissed.
“Nigga!!! Listen to the key word. LIFE!!! If you hadn’t told me what you did, I would be dead. I couldn’t take another day in that house. Yeah, I ended up in a group home, but that led me to you.”
“Tell his ass,” Nana yelled from the kitchen causing me to laugh.
“Son, I think your dad just needs time to process. He’s not upset at you; he’s hurting because all this time he didn’t know the chain of events.” Moms was trying to be the voice of reason, but she wasn’t getting it either.
“I know.”
“Do you?” Pops asked looking defeated.
“Yes, I do. That was the reason I didn’t tell you.
The group home was raggedy, broke down, and no place for a kid.
But it was also freedom. If I had told you what happened that night, you would have demanded you take over.
I didn’t need that. I needed what you gave me.
Room to find myself. An opportunity to build myself.
To build Breaker,” I whispered the last part.
“It didn’t help though. As soon as he came back, we were right back where we started.” I nodded because he slightly took a shot at me.
“Naw, I wasn’t healed. Hell, I’m still not.
Guess what I’m not though. Afraid. Even back then, I knew you would protect me.
If I called, you would come running. Nigga, you were in the NBA, and you still came running when a lil jit with nothing called you.
That is what you take away. You didn’t owe me shit.
I was a lil mufucka you met in a parking lot.
Yet, you gave me everything you had to give.
That’s the only thing that comes to mind when I think about that night. ”
“Not all super heroes wear capes,” Nana walked back in the room eating some grapes.
“Shut up!!” Everyone yelled at the same time.
“Oh, yall got me fucked up. Give me my coins, I’ll be leaving now.”
“Money for what, Twin?” Pops looked like he had no more fight.
“Babysitting your serial killer, your tikkity tokking pervert, and lil Christian fiction who tell bible stories all day, but can’t even get the shit right.
Talking about Job was in the whale. Do better.
” This time, I couldn’t hold back my laugh.
Pops pulled out some money and shook his head.
Nana took it and really walked towards the door.
“Jr, when you leave call and give me the rest of the tea. Thangyaaa!” With that, she walked out the door.
Waiting until the room settled again, I spoke up.
“Raymond tried to take credit for who I’ve become. Asked me for money. Out of all that you have given me; you have never done that. You have always done and said what was best for me. I’ve made it because I’ve always listened.”
“Until now.” Blowing out a deep breath, I was ready to give up.
“Nigga, are you not listening?” He waved his hand letting me know he wasn’t talking about that.
“I mean about Danger. I told you not to take the fight. You insisted. I told you if you were going to take the fight, you needed to focus, you got a girlfriend.”
“Wow!”
“I think we can revisit this conversation. A lot has been revealed and we are not going to get anywhere if we keep this up,” Moms tried to intervene, but I wasn’t having it.
“So, what you’re saying is you’re good as long as I listen to everything you say. Fuck that I’m grown, and capable of making my own decisions.”
“Naw, you make decisions all the time. Just not the right ones.” I looked at him in disbelief.
“You really in your fucking feelings because I got a girl? Me being with Ariyah is not distracting me.”
“That’s enough!” Me and Pops were now in a stare off, neither of us listening to Moms.
“If you don’t get your shit together, this fight is not going to go the way you want it to.” I was ready to counter whatever he had to say, but that. My mouth opened and closed as I stared at him in disbelief. After I fully processed what he said, I spoke.
“You don’t think I can beat him.”
“Son, I didn’t say that.” Pops tried to grab me, but I pulled away and walked out the door.
I could take a lot of things, but him not believing in me wasn’t one.
When we talked at the restaurant I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
He said he didn’t mean it, so I accepted it.
Hearing him say it again, solidified it for me, and that broke me.
Ever since he came into my life, I had this belief that I could do anything.
I knew Pops would back me and push me right to the top.
Fighting back my anger, I jumped in the car and sent a text to Ariyah.
ME: You busy?
MY AIR: No. You okay?
ME: Meet me at the gym.
MY AIR: On the way.
Leaning my head back against the seat, I closed my eyes. Too much was happening and I didn’t know how much more I could take. Right now, I just wanted to breathe. I needed my air.
“Where to Boss man?”
“The gym.”