Chapter 40
Chapter forty
Alisa
I stared at the white walls of Dmitri’s guest bedroom, listening to the quiet rush of the kitchen sink. Within the blank whiteness of the room, all I could visualize was the distance of his expression when I’d left him alone a few minutes ago.
Growing up, the most painful thing wasn’t the beatings from my father.
It was the moments in between when instead of yanking out fistfuls of my hair and throwing me against a wall, my father patted my head affectionately.
It was the moments of hope that built up until they were inevitably dashed again.
Those hurt my soul in a way that his fists never did.
But I didn’t want to keep living my life waiting for the pain to explode again. Protecting myself against what might or might not come. I bit down on the inside of my cheek as I stared at the perfectly folded clothes on the dresser from one of Dmitri’s other dalliances.
So maybe I wasn’t the only one. Maybe, he served up dinner for all the other girls, and his eyes lit up when they said something funny.
All I knew was that he was the one man who I actually felt safe with.
A man who kept protecting me, but more than that made me feel safe with just his presence.
Someone who I felt like I could breathe with.
A man who whenever I saw the hints of his inner thoughts, left me yearning to dive beyond the hard unknown of his expressions, and make his eyes glimmer with humor.
Sure, maybe I’d end up getting hurt. I uncertainly pressed my hand to the doorframe.
No, almost certainly I’d get hurt.
But maybe the easy moments of happiness in between would be worth it.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. Dmitri glanced up from the dishes with a frown.
“What do you want, Alisa?” he said, wariness apparent in his tone.
“Can’t sleep,” I said with a small smile.
His eyebrow arched at that. I’d probably been in my room for less than ten minutes. Still, he remained silent.
“Do you want to have a drink?” I asked, my eyes falling on a full bar cart that probably cost more than my entire rent.
“Did you just ask me if I want a drink in my own house?” he said, his eyes dancing with laughter.
“Yes.” I threw him a smile before approaching the bar cart.
Dmitri leaned against the island, his shoulders losing some of that tension that he’d had when I’d walked into the room.
With a small grimace, I poured myself some vodka. Dmitri shook his head and wordlessly grabbed it from me. He expertly mixed the vodka with spices and juice.
Delicious. Exactly, what I didn’t know I needed.
“Thank you.”
Dmitri didn’t reply. He fixed his own glass of vodka on the rocks before motioning me to sit on a cloud-like couch. Dmitri sat in the large wingback chair across from me, and sunk into silence.
His eyes were assessing as he took a sip of his drink. He looked at me like I was a koala that had broken into his house and decided to flop onto his couch.
Still, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt safe within silence. On missions, I was watching the reactions of the men I’d need to kill. Always on alert for any type of disruption in their happiness which meant that my physical body might be at risk.
With him, I could enjoy my drink without monitoring every microexpression on his face for danger.
“Where’d you get this couch?” I muttered as I slurped up the delicious drink. “It feels like I’m sinking into a cloud.”
“Bought the place furnished,” he said. “Everything here is whatever the place came with.”
“How long have you lived here?” I said.
“A couple years.”
I blinked, surprised.
“Wait, but you-”
“Are you really about to criticize my decor when your couch looks like someone backed over it before they delivered it to your house?”
I snorted. “It definitely wasn’t delivered. I found it on the curb.”
A frown graced his perfectly chiseled face, and he looked like he was about to say something. Instead, he took another long pull of his drink.
“It’s really not so bad,” I said, feeling a bit insecure within the decadence of his house.
“Not so bad?” His voice was ice. “If I didn’t take you in tonight, someone probably would’ve stumbled upon your frozen body when it was time for the next mission.”
“I’ve been through worse,” I said, and his eyes flared.
Dmitri’s judgment rankled something in me. Gemma had been in my house a million times. And sure she teased me about the state of it, but I never felt insecure.
“Why do you care?” I said before I could think it through.
His jaw clenched. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to steady my thoughts. It was funny, if I ever spoke to my father that way he’d slap me straight into these perfectly polished floors. But with Dmitri, I knew he’d never snap like that.
I reminded myself that Dmitri had taken me in tonight when there was snow falling down onto the icy streets. I swallowed away the defensiveness, and said, “Sorry.”
Dmitri’s head tilted, staring at me as if trying to puzzle something out.
“Why are you staying there?” Dmitri asked. “And don’t tell me it’s because you like the layout.” A thin smile marked his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
I stared out at the glowing skyline of the city, watching the snow flutter towards the ground.
“My parents didn’t want me to move out,” I said slowly, the memories flashing in my brain. Tasting the guilt that had seared me when I’d left my mother alone with my abusive father. “They tried to make it as difficult as possible… So my only choice was to live in a shithole.”
I leaned further into the sofa, allowing it to swallow me in its comfy fluff.
“I’m guessing you don’t have that problem,” I said, sweeping my hand around the room.
“My mother doesn’t pay for shit,” he said.
I frowned. None of the candidates to become the next Pakhan were paid directly. The Pakhan paid the candidates’ parents instead of us. My guess was to make us easier to control.
“I have separate businesses going,” he said in answer to my silent question. “I’d never allow someone to have that much control over me.” His eyes grew distant as he stared out the cold window.
“Protection businesses?” I guessed.
“Among other things.”
“That’s what you were doing that night when I… defied you,” I said, the pieces clicking together.
Dmitri laughed darkly. “You’re going to have to be more specific. You love defying me.”
Heat spread across my chest at his words.
His eyes moved leisurely over my skin, drinking me in like I was top shelf vodka.
I bit down on my lip, wishing his fingers would trace over my skin in the exact same places.
I leaned towards him, realizing I was tilted so far forward that my back was arched.
“Don’t tempt me,” he said roughly.
“Why not?” I said, my voice a whisper even though we were alone.
“Go to bed, kitten,” he said, striding out of the room with his drink in hand.