Chapter 41
Iwant to lie in bed all morning and map every inch of Vadim’s skin with my hands, my mouth, my heart. But the door will open any minute, so I press a last chaste kiss to his mouth and start to move away.
He pulls me toward him again, branding my mouth with his kiss and holding me tight against the heat of his skin. He leans back and we look at each other, smiling like idiots.
I feel so alive.
After we release each other, every muscle in my body continues to vibrate with his touch as I fumble through my bag for panties and a phone.
Vadim’s footsteps sound on the carpet behind me, and he pulls me against him, banding his arm around my waist as he reaches into his bag and pulls out an old phone.
“Use this,” he whispers, pressing his mouth against the crook of my neck and tasting the salt on my skin.
I dial the number I know by heart. “Hey, Stevie.”
My best friend’s voice sounds strained as he picks up on the first ring. “Sera. Thank Christ. I’ve been out of my head with worry. I’ve been trying to get hold of you for days. Where have you guys been? I called your PA, and she didn’t know anything. Aren’t you supposed to be preparing your deposition today?”
Vadim lets his hand drift up my arm and across my shoulders as he walks past me to stand in front of the sink. He produces a toothbrush and begins his morning routine.
I grin at Vadim, only half my mind on the conversation with my bandmate. “Some things came up and we had to get out of town.”
“Out of town where?”
“I can’t tell you. We’re keeping everything on the DL.”
Vadim nods at me in the mirror, his mouth full of toothpaste and a smile in his eyes.
“For crying out loud, what are you playing at, Sera? Does this have something to do with that Russian bastard?”
Turning away from the bathroom, I frown at the way my friend still talks to me like a wayward child rather than the person who pays his salary. And this petty jealousy has to stop. “Watch it, Stevie. He’s Nadia’s dad. You might not like him, but he’s part of her life.”
“Since when?”
“Since now. Since forever. She only has one father, and you can’t talk about him like that.” The sound of a toothbrush clattering against the sink distracts me as I turn back to see Vadim staring at me, the smile wiped from his face.
“Sure I can,” Stevie says. “I can talk about the bastard who abandoned you any way I like. I’ve been more of a father to Nadia than he’s ever been. What are you doing?”
Stevie carries on ranting at me, but I’m only half listening as I watch Vadim stride past me. Picking up the bag next to me, he begins sifting through the evidence of his presence in this room, in my life, and starts packing it away.
“Stevie. You are my best friend. Please don’t be like this.”
“Can’t you see the mess you’re making of your life?”
I look out of the window, at the parking lot and the bright sunlight. I bite down on my lip. “That might be true. But it’s my life and it’s my mess, and I’m the only one who gets to decide what is best for my daughter. Do I make myself clear?”
There’s a long pause, and then Stevie grudgingly cedes some ground. “I’m not questioning your parenting.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing,” I bite out. “We’re out of town for a few days, and then we’ll be back with increased security. But from now on, I really need you to watch how you speak about Vadim. He’s her father, okay?”
I look over at Vadim, but he’s got his back to me. His head bends over his duffel bag in a posture of defeat.
“Are you two together, then?”
“No, Stevie...but I don’t want you badmouthing a man who might be part of Nadia’s life.” I put every ounce of hope and conviction I can into my tone, even though the lines of Vadim’s body are spelling out a message I don’t want to read.
“So what, you’re drawing up shared custody arrangements?” I can almost hear the sneer on his face.
“Don’t get on my case like this. I’m firefighting on so many fronts right now. A court case. A media battle. A new album.”
There’s a pause. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he says.
This time, I pause. I don’t say that I don’t have a clue. I didn’t get to where I am today by admitting that to any of the men in my life. Give them an inch...
“Yes. I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m doing what’s right for my daughter, and I’m writing the lyrics to the next album.” My voice sounds confident to my own ears as I hang up and toss the phone on the bed. It’s a lie, because I’m standing in my underwear, watching the man who holds my heart avoid my eyes as he pulls on his clothes.
Each sound is unnaturally loud. The ticking of the clock, a slam of a car door, and the roar of a motorbike as some racer goes speeding by. I pull jeans on, fumbling with the buttons as my fingers shake.
Vadim walks over and kneels in front of me. Taking my hands in his, he presses his lips against the lace of my panties, kissing every inch of skin before carefully doing up each button of my jeans. He leans his head against my stomach as I rake my hands through his hair. The strands brush gently against the exposed skin of my navel. I want to burn each touch into me like one of his tattoos, permanently branding my body with the way I feel about him.
But I hear what he doesn’t say. It wouldn’t change the fact that he has to leave.
He pulls tighter against me and presses a last kiss against my skin before reaching for the white shirt I’ve left on the bed. It’s a strange thing, the way I’m letting him dress me like a child. He slowly does up each button, wrapping the lines of my body in a cover for the day.
His hands reach the last button, and then his fingertips tap against my collarbone, tracing the line from my shoulder to the point where the gold necklace with Nadia’s name hangs. Picking up the pendant, he rubs the Cyrillic script between his thumb and forefinger as if it might release a genie who will grant us three wishes.
We’re still standing in silence, me watching his fingers and him trying to melt the pendant with his stare, when the door crashes open and Nadia bounces in.
“I ate seven pancakes and I feel a bit sick.” She throws a Styrofoam takeout box on the desk and bounces onto the pull-out bed. Her pajamas are strewn across the sheets. She ignores them as she reaches for her school computer. The need to switch into mama-bear mode saves me from myself.
“Ah ah ah, no you don’t. Pick up your clothes and put them away.” I glance up at the clock. “We’ve got ten minutes before we have to go.”
“Aww, I wanted to watch cartoons. Can’t I relax?”
I’m relieved to see Dex’s shadow appear in the doorway before he steps into the room. “No way, kid. We leave at zero-seven-thirty. Get a shuffle on.”
I pick up Nadia’s overnight bag and throw it on the bed. It’s an excuse. Something to do with my hands and my eyes so that I don’t look over at Vadim and beg him to stay. The way he just made love to me...Now I know it was a goodbye.
Stepping away from me, he looks over at Dex, his back to me as he says, “Were we followed?”
Dex shakes his head. “It’s all clear. And I’ve sent for backup, so we’ll have an escort to the safe house. I’ve set up our own location, so there’s no need for us to stop at the place you’ve recommended. Cleaner that way, and easier for our team to secure.”
Part of me is glad that Dex is so professional, but I wait for the man who made love to me to offer me some tenderness, some sweetness to take the edge off the goodbye.
But Vadim doesn’t look back at me. Instead, he walks over to Nadia and crouches in front of her.
“Devuchka. This is for you.” He holds out his phone.
“It doesn’t even have any games on it.”
“No, that’s the idea. It’s a phone that’s a bit harder to trace. Will you keep it with you?” He looks up at her face.
“Sure, Dad.”
“And you’ll call me if you are ever in danger? If you need anything?”
She nods at him.
He doesn’t say another word. Just stands and puts a hand on her head, then turns and walks toward the door. I stand and wait to see what he’ll say to me, but he walks to Dex and hands a phone to him. Now I realize why I couldn’t find the phone he gave me at the club. He’s taken it back and given it to Dex instead.
“I’ve only got two of these. If you’re in charge of her security, perhaps you’ll need to reach me too,” he says.
Dex takes the phone and thrusts it into his back pocket, and I wait. For Vadim to turn. To tell me how to reach him. For him to say something, anything. But he doesn’t. He walks to the door, opens it, and steps into the bright sunshine.
The sunlight casts his face into shadow and outlines a halo of light around him as he stands in the doorway. He opens his mouth to speak but drops his head and looks at the ground for a moment, as if searching for the right words.
Then he looks up again and says, “Goodbye, zolotaya.”
His steps reverberate off the metal walkway, each beat striking me as he descends into the parking lot. The sunshine outside feels like a rebuke.