6. Ryan #2
“I need to protect him.”
“I know.”
“He’s my brother.”
“I’ve always—“
“You don’t have to do it by yourself anymore.” Her breath catches. Behind me, Tobias sniffles, and Ally’s eyes immediately fill.
“I need to apologize.”
“You will.” She starts to move. I keep her with me for another second. “Breathe first.”
“Ryan—“
“Once.” She drags in a breath. “Again.” She does. Slower this time. “Good.”
“Ryan?” Tobias’s voice is so small that I feel Ally’s fingers tighten around my wrists. I turn. He’s standing beside the coffee table with tears streaming down his face.
“Yeah, buddy?”
His chin trembles. “Is Ally mad because I asked about Victor?”
“No.”
“I didn’t know.”
“I know.”
“I didn’t know the baby wasn’t his.”
“I know, buddy.”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I knew.”
“I know.” His face crumples. Then he runs — straight at me. I barely have time to drop my hands from Ally before he hits me around the waist, his arms locking around me. “I didn’t know!”
“I’ve got you.” I scoop him up, and his legs wrap around my waist, arms around my neck, face buried against my shoulder.
“I won’t tell Dad.”
“I believe you.”
“I won’t tell Victor either.”
“I believe you.”
“I promise.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want Victor to take Ally away because I told.”
Every muscle in my body locks. Ally makes a broken sound behind me. “What?”
Tobias starts crying harder. “He said if she’s bad, I don’t get to see her.”
Ally moves. I catch her hand before she gets around me. “Not yet.”
“Toby, what did—“
“Baby.” Her eyes snap to mine. “Not like that.” She looks at Tobias. Then at me. I can see how badly she wants every answer immediately. I also see her understand. She nods.
Mom comes up beside her without saying a word and slides an arm around her waist. Ally leans into her. Dad stays where he is. Watching. Letting me lead.
I carry Tobias to the couch. “Come on.”
He keeps his arms around my neck. “Where?”
“Man-to-man.”
That gets a wet sniffle out of him. “A real one?”
“Very real.”
“Like you and Walter?” I glance at Dad. His mouth twitches.
“Exactly like me and Walter.”
That makes Tobias loosen his death grip enough for me to sit him beside me. He stays plastered against my side. Ally sits on my other side with Mom beside her. Dad takes the chair across from us. Nobody interrupts. Nobody tells me what to say.
I know how this works. I’ve been on Tobias’s side of it my whole life.
I take a tissue from the box on the table and hand it to him. “First thing.” He wipes his nose. “Ally isn’t mad at you.”
He looks around me at her. “I’m not,” she says immediately. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you.”
“You were scary.” Her face crumples.
“I know. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I put my arm around Tobias. “That’s the important part. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But I asked if it was Victor’s.”
“Because you didn’t know.” He looks at me.
“Is it yours?”
“Yeah.”
“For real?” His eyes drop toward Ally’s stomach. “There’s really a baby in there?”
“There really is.”
“How?”
I stare at him. Dad immediately looks down. Mom presses her lips together. Ally makes a tiny sound beside me. “We’re going to skip that part of the man-to-man.”
“Why?”
“Because there are levels to these things.”
“I know how babies get there.”
Ally’s head whips around. “What?”
“Dad told me.”
I keep my face neutral. “What did he tell you?”
“That husbands put babies in their wives.” Ally closes her eyes. “And Victor is supposed to be Ally’s husband,” Tobias continues. “That’s why I thought it was his.”
“Okay.” No panic. No anger. Just okay. “That’s a reasonable question if that’s what you’ve been told.” I look back at him. “Now here’s the part I want you to understand. The baby is mine and Ally’s. We both want the baby. We both love the baby already.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.”
“Even though it’s tiny?”
I smile. “Especially because it’s tiny.”
“How tiny?”
“I’ll show you in a minute.” He nods, apparently satisfied. “And the baby is private right now. Not bad. Not something Ally did wrong. Private.”
“Because Dad can’t know.”
“Right.”
“And Victor.”
“Definitely Victor.”
His forehead wrinkles. “Victor thinks Ally is going to have his babies.” Ally’s hand tightens around mine.
I rub my thumb over her knuckles. “What makes you say that?”
“He told me.” Tobias picks at the tissue in his hand. “He said Ally is going to give him lots of babies when they’re married. He wants boys.”
“Why?”
“To carry his name.” I nod, and he keeps going. “Dad said Ally better do better than Mom did.”
Ally goes rigid. I squeeze her hand. “What did he mean?”
“Mom only gave Dad one boy.” He points at himself. “Me.” My jaw locks. “And Victor laughed.”
Beside me, Ally’s breathing changes. I keep my thumb moving over her hand.
Tobias looks at me. “Victor says Ally is a good girl, though.”
“Does he?”
“Yeah. That’s why he picked her.”
Something ugly twists inside my chest. “What makes her good?”
“She listens.”
Ally snorts before she can stop herself.
Tobias looks at her. “You don’t?”
I grin. “Absolutely fucking not.”
“Ryan.”
“Sorry.” Tobias’s mouth twitches. “Your sister has never listened to me once in her life.”
“I listen,” Ally says.
“You argue first.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t listen.”
“See?”
Tobias smiles. Then he looks down again. “Victor says wives shouldn’t argue.”
I don’t jump on it. I just lean back. “Sounds boring.”
Tobias looks at me. “Dad says men make the decisions.”
“What do you think?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay.”
“He says women get too emotional.”
I bump my shoulder against his. “You know something?”
“What?”
“I get emotional too.”
His forehead wrinkles. “You? But you’re Ryan.”
I stare at him. Ally makes a strangled noise. “What does that mean?”
“You’re cool.”
“Thank you.”
“And strong.”
“Also thank you.”
“And you don’t cry.”
There it is. I settle back into the couch.
“Yeah, I do.”
His eyes widen. “You cry? When?”
“When I’m sad. When I’m scared. Sometimes when something hurts bad enough.”
“But Dad says boys don’t cry.”
“Your dad’s wrong.” He looks startled. I don’t soften it. Dad never lied to me just because the truth was uncomfortable. “You remember Daisy?”
His expression changes. “Danny’s sister.”
“She died and I saw Danny cry a lot. So did I.”
Tobias looks at me. “You cried when Daisy died? Why?”
“Because I loved her. And because Danny was hurting. Becca was hurting. All of us were.”
“Did Walter see you?”
“Yeah.”
“Cassandra?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you try to hide?”
“Probably at first.”
“What did Cassandra do?”
I look at Mom. Then back at him. “She hugged me.”
“You let her?”
“Eventually.”
Mom raises an eyebrow. “After being a dramatic pain in my ass.”
“Language,” Tobias and Ally say together.
I grin. “She hugged me. Dad sat with me. Ally was there for me. The boys were there. Cat and Penny and Becca too. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I still cry about Daisy sometimes.”
His eyes widen again. “Still? Does Danny?”
“Yeah.”
“Danny’s really strong.”
“He is.”
“And he’s a man.”
“Last time I checked.”
Tobias thinks. “So crying doesn’t make you not a man. Victor says it does.”
“Victor says a lot of stupid shit.”
Tobias leans more heavily against me. “Dad says Ally makes me soft.”
“Do you think you’re soft?”
His forehead wrinkles. “I don’t know.”
“Do you like who you are?”
That makes him think. “Mostly. Sometimes I get scared.”
“So do I.”
“And I cry.”
“So do I.”
"I run to Ally. Dad says I shouldn’t. He says boys shouldn’t need girls taking care of them.”
I nod slowly. Then I look at Mom. “I still need her.”
Tobias follows my eyes. "Cassandra? But she’s your mom. And You’re grown up.”
“Still my mom.” Mom’s eyes fill. I look at Tobias again. “I need Ally too. And I need Cat and Penny and Becca sometimes too.”
“Girls.”
Yup. Needing people isn’t weakness.”
He gets quiet. I don’t fill it. Eventually he says, “Dad says women make men weak.” I feel Ally tense.
“What do you think?”
“I think Ally makes me feel better.”
Fuck. Her hand squeezes mine. “Sounds like she’s making you stronger then.”
Tobias looks at her. She smiles through her tears. “You are my family. Nothing changes that.”
“What about the baby? Victor says babies take all your time.”
I answer before Ally can. “Babies take a lot of time. They don’t take all your love.”
Then his face gets serious again. “But Victor—“
Ally takes his hands in hers. “There isn’t going to be a Victor. I am not marrying Victor.”
His eyes go huge. “But Dad said you have to.”
“Roman doesn’t get to decide who Ally marries,” I tell him. “Your Walter taught me something when I was about your age.”
Tobias straightens. Of course he does. Walter stories are apparently sacred texts. “What?”
“That being a man isn’t about getting everybody to do what you want.”
“What is it?”
“Showing up.” He waits. “Taking care of the people you love without trying to own them. Telling the truth even when it’s hard. Saying you’re sorry when you’re wrong. Asking for help when you need it.”
“Crying?”
“Yep.”
“Even in front of girls?”
“Especially if those are the people you trust.”
He looks toward Mom. Then Ally. Then back at me. “Dad says I have to get harder before Ally leaves.”
“You don’t.”
“He says Victor can teach me.” My stomach turns. Tobias looks down. “I don’t want Victor to teach me.”
“Then he won’t.”
His eyes lift to mine. “Can you?”
Fuck. Ally makes a broken sound beside me. I swallow. “Teach you what?”
“How to be a man.”
Across the room, Dad meets my eyes. He gives me one small nod. Nothing dramatic. Just the same nod he’s given me my entire life when I found the answer myself.
I look back at Tobias. “I can help.” His face brightens. “But you know who taught me?”
“Walter?”
“Yeah.” I nod toward Mom. “And your Cassandra.” His forehead wrinkles.
“But she’s a girl.”