Chapter 36
Riley
The second my feet hit the Irish soil, I lose it again.
The flight has been a repeat of me trying not to think about everything I left behind, retraining my mind to focus on my own family now that I’m so close to finally being home, and breaking down into sobs I have to stifle, lest the woman across the aisle feels the need to hand me yet another tissue.
Pretty sure she’s out now. and I’m the cause.
It is only when I see Chlo running for me, my brother behind her with a grin so wide he lights up the entire terminal that I suck back the tears and feel an ounce of happiness again.
“Riles!” Chlo squeals, sprinting for me.
Folks stare like they’ve never seen a homecoming at Belfast International before.
Ludicrous.
As she’s closing in fast, I note all the changes that I missed while I was gone but are so obvious in person. She’s a little taller. Her clothes a little less twelve-year-old than when I left. And is that a piercing . . . ?
My arms reach for her as she collides with me.
She’s the same height as me as she huggles me tight.
Her body trembles as I run a hand over her dark hair and sobs huff against my hair.
“Oh babe. It is so good to see you. I have missed you so much,” I rasp, tears burning my eyes.
Chlo leans back, gaze searching my face. “For a moment, there was a second I thought you weren’t going to come home,” she whispers. Her chin wobbles.
For a moment, I thought I wouldn’t, too.
But that selfish glimmer of time passed, and I remembered who I am. And the people I love who count on me. Sacrifice is all I’ve known since the day we lost our parents. Why would that change now?
“Hey, Ri.” Declan appears at my shoulder and hugs me into his side. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? This one is more than I can handle. I gladly hand her back to you.” He winks at Chlo, who is giving him a pouty face.
I chuckle at the pair of them.
Eejits.
“Come on, let’s find my bags and get the hell out of here. Please tell me you didn’t let the homestead fall into rack and ruin while I was away?”
Declan rubs a hand behind his neck. “Possibly not?”
His dark eyes gleam, but his mouth twists into something comical.
I roll my eyes at him and sweep my hair over my shoulder as we head for baggage claim.
The hour and a half it takes to drive back to Clady feels like an entire day. I’m exhausted from sitting for so long, as ridiculous as that sounds. We finally turn into the driveway of the farm, and I bolt up to study the fields, the animals, and the fences as we roll over the dirt then gravel.
“Ease up there, will ye? Not like we burned it all to the ground while you were gone.” Declan’s hands are on the wheel of our old Range Rover, Chlo in the back, as my head turns side to side like it’s my first time seeing this place.
It feels different.
I feel different.
The Riley that left to finish her study is not the same person as the one who came home. For so many reasons.
The rolling green hills that make up our farm are littered with the most recent snow.
The hedge perimeters so different from Brady’s ranch fences and sprawling pastures dotted with massive trees.
The sheep and cattle that graze our fields look up as we pass by.
As the homestead comes into view, with its white exterior and dark trim flanked by barns and silos, my body relaxes.
Possibly for the first time in twelve long months.
We come to a stop in front of the house, and the twins are waiting at the window.
They disappear as Declan kills the engine and hauls my bags from the trunk.
I’m folded into a group hug with my teenage sisters as another vehicle pulls up behind us.
With that, I turn back to find Connor sprinting from his truck.
I’m whipped off the ground and into his arms as he swings me around.
“Jesus, Riles, you didn’t change a bit.”
I squeeze him tight, and he drops me to the ground.
Every panting breath curls in front of my face. Damn, it’s cold.
“Well, then, inside before I freeze.”
Declan is manhandling my luggage inside, and it’s only then I realize he’s still in his uniform from the Smugglers Inn. He must have ducked out to pick me up. Which means he has to get back.
“You let Tommy run the bar?” I quip as the door closes behind me.
“Yes, and I’m yet to discern whether that option or letting you walk home was the better one. Guess I’ll see when I get back.” He cradles me into his chest with one burly arm and plants a kiss in my hair. “Welcome home, Riles. I’ll see you later, hey.”
I freeze.
The gesture I’ve now come to associate with Spencer takes my faculties and tosses them to the void for a beat.
“Oh my god, what did you bring us from the big wild wilderness of Canadia?” Chlo says, dropping onto the sofa.
Guess it’s catch-up time.
I pull my coat off and unwind my scarf, setting them on the coat rack before snuggling up beside her. When I take a moment to look around the home that I left a mere twelve months ago, it is decorated with Christmas trimmings.
I hadn’t even given the holiday a thought yet.
“I did bring you some things from Alberta, but they’re in my luggage.” I yawn, and Elouise and Lizzy rise from the sofa in sync. Always. “Night, you two.”
“Night, Riles,” they singsong.
Honestly, some days those girls are a little freaky. But I can’t help the smile growing across my face as they wander toward their room. Those two will always be inseparable.
“Can I sleep in your room tonight?” Chlo asks.
“Sure, kiddo.”
“Urgh, you need to stop calling me that, Riles.”
I tamp back a chuckle and manage. “Okay.”
I take my time to refamiliarize myself with the home I grew up in. It’s a strange feeling, exploring something you’ve known your entire life.
The hearth is crackling away in the living room, six dark green stockings hanging from the mantle like every year. The Christmas tree stands on one side, homemade decorations loading up each branch.
The low ceiling punctuated with dark wooden beams makes the space so cozy despite the blustering cold wind and snow outside.
The small kitchen with the pots hanging above the counter and oversized porcelain sink, white cabinets, and black trim is the way it’s been since Mom had it redone years ago. The gas standalone oven and stovetop gleams. Someone’s been taking good care of our home while I was away.
I double-check every room, checking in before bed as I do the rounds to lock the doors the way I have done for over a decade. I’m snuggled up on my bed, Chlo sound asleep, when my phone lights up on the bedside. I snatch it up lightning fast, only to find an email from Suze at the vet clinic.
Hello Riley, welcome home!
I saw Declan earlier and he said you were home three days early. So, welcome back. I have a favour to ask. How would you like to start your internship early? One of our vets quit this week and we’re struggling. Could really use your help. Let me know and you can start ASAP.
Suze.
You know what, keeping busy would be preferable to moping around with the dagger in my chest trying its best to rip me to pieces. I’ve managed to stave off thoughts of Spence and Ivy for around four hours, but I know the second my head hits the pillow I’ll be right back to misery.
I kill the lamp and hunker down under the heavy duvet.
Chlo stirs but doesn’t wake.
“Night, sweet girl.”
Within the next breath, I’m drowning in a deluge of memories associated with those words. My heart aching and arms empty, I willfully let sleep drag me under.
“Missy is doing fine, Mr. O’Brien.” I stroke the small dog’s back as she shakes on the silver table of examination room three.
“If you say so,” he says, waving a hand. The small dog shrinks against me. “Ah, you young ones think you know every damn thing there is to know. Why do I bother?”
“All her vitals were normal. The scan on her belly was also normal. It’s possibly the cold and miserable days.”
He scoops the scared pup off the table and marches out the door with a wobble.
I can’t figure out if he’s just a drunk, cranky old man or something worse.
Good luck, Missy.
Adjusting the stethoscope around my neck, I turn back to the computer and write up my notes. Suze has handed off the easier, straightforward cases to me, but I still report back at the end of every shift, and I don’t want to be skimpy on the notes.
Hell will freeze over before I lose a paying job I have worked years for.
A knock comes at the door.
My heart spikes, head whipping up as wishful thinking clashes with my daydreams and I imagine Spence standing in the doorway. Leaning on it, of course.
It’s been ninety-four days . . .
Suze steps inside and sinks onto one of the blue plastic chairs on the opposite side of the examination table.
“I hear old Curtis O’Brien voicing his opinion on the newest vet in town out there.” She leans over and shuts the door with a hand. “Take no notice of him. It’s basically trial by fire with him and his lot of animals. Something the last intern couldn’t hack.”
I frown, hitting save before I turn back around.
“How often does he come in?”
“Couple times a week. If you ask me, he’s lonely. His wife passed five years ago, and his visits became clockwork. Sorry to palm him off on you, but John’s had enough of the old bugger.”
“Ah, I see. Maybe he needs a hobby?”
“He has that, down at the Smuggler. Just ask your brother.”
I chuckle. “He’s in good hands, then.”
“Look, Riley, I just wanted to tell you that you’re doing so great.
This last three months of having you here have been wonderful.
I know you’ve been settling back in after a year away.
That must have been tough, on all of you.
Please know we appreciate you so much, despite old man O’Brien’s ranting. ”
“It’s fine. Honestly, I needed the distraction.”
The words are out before I can stop them.
“Oh, I see, leave something behind in the great land of the wild and free?”
I roll my eyes at her before my brain can catch up with my etiquette.
Suze gives me a soft, knowing smile. “Oh honey, some things are meant to last forever, and some things are only meant to be memories that last.”
My smile fades as my throat closes over.
How much I wish the first one was true.
Suze rises from the chair. “Either way, we are all very happy you came to us when you did, so that counts for something, right?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Keep up the good work, Riley.”
I push up a smile, trying to breathe past the stone in my throat.
“Thanks, Suze, I will.”
I finish up my shift and climb into the Range Rover and make my way home to the farm. Just in time to help Chlo feed up and start supper.
Pulling into the barn and killing the engine, I can’t help but play Suze’s words about forever and memories that last on repeat.
I guess if I had to choose between never meeting Spencer and Ivy or having memories that will last a lifetime, I’d choose the memories.
I’m not delusional enough to think I could have the forever.
I walk into the back of the house from the barn, crunching over the snow as I go. Dumping my bag inside, I call out for Chlo.
She’s skipping down the hallway toward me a beat later, her phone in her hand. “How was work?”
“Yeah, good. Get your chores done?”
“Almost, but I’m on the phone to Danny, give me ten?”
“No, it’s okay. I can do it. Chatter away, lovebirds.”
I could use the fresh air.
Zipping up my coat over my navy scrubs, I tug off my runners and pull on my wellies. The cattle need fresh hay, and I need to scoop the poop before they low for the night.
The colder months here are harsh, and our cattle are our main income. Bedding them in the barns overnight is essential. The sheep have their own barn. The feed in the silos keeps them fed when the winters raze the fields.
I plow through the mud to the first barn. It houses around twenty-four cows and their calves, plus a few bulls and a handful of steers and heifers not old enough for the local saleyards yet.
The barn is a din of sounds as they settle in for the night. I feed out first, getting them off the bedding and start mucking out. It takes around an hour before the barn is spotless and the cattle are happy.
Not every farmer in our county takes this much care of their animals. But my parents always said if you don’t take care of the animals that put money in the bank and food on your table, you may as well sit down and starve.
Another hour passes as I do the same in the sheep barn, the noise just as loud as the downpour outside.
Exhausted, I sit on a bale and let the rake rest against the wall in the corner. Hands idle, my brain and heart fire back to life. Replaying the moments before I left Alberta.
Twice now I have left the people I love. Both times, it hurt. Somehow, I have a feeling that this second loss will sit heavy in my heart for the rest of my days.
Hugging my coat around my body, I let the tears I’ve held back all day fall. I let out the devastation that I don’t want Chlo to witness and lose the hold around the heartbreak I don’t want my brothers to know about.
Lucky for me, the sound of the lambs crying at their mothers mixes with my wails. Ugly sobs chug from me as they have done for the past ninety-four fecking days.
My hands stiffen around my coat.
Chest tightening . . .
I can’t breathe.