Chapter 33 Roman
ROMAN
I’ve never been so tortured by sleep as I am now.
For years, I’ve faced my memories of the Under Trials and the ghosts I’ve left behind.
But now all I dream of anymore is the moment I betrayed the one person I care about.
Is this what Nyla felt after she killed Dalton?
Is this the suffering she endured before I bashed her head in?
Briar. I think her name a million times every night. I stand and watch her look at me with so much misplaced hope. Did I do it because Nolan ordered me to? Or did I do it because I was hurt by her lies?
Her broken body and desperate eyes haunt every waking moment of my days. There is no reprieve when I sleep. There is only horror and despair. As I watch myself make the same mistake over and over again.
I let her go. I handed her over to the monster she feared most, knowing very well that he might kill her.
I’m the true monster.
But she betrayed us… She lied to me and made me vulnerable, I reason. I did what Nolan said and disposed of her…even if it was indirectly. Deep down I’m hoping that Callum didn’t kill her.
And yet, I find myself frequenting the fields and trails where we’ve seen Sub-Rosa bury bodies in the past. I look for her even when I don’t realize it. I find myself doing strange things lately, lashing out at the squad and sitting in places that will make me cold to the bone.
I cannot sleep.
I pound my fist against my bedroom wall and tap my forehead repeatedly to it. Why did I do this to myself? I knew she was trouble. I knew it, and yet I still tried to save her. I should’ve sent her on her way out of town instead of asking for her help.
A sharp knock comes at the door.
I still and straighten my posture. “What?”
Gale’s voice comes in urgently from the other side of the door. “General Nolan is here, sir.”
My eyes widen. He actually came in person?
“Icarus Squad. I didn’t anticipate on many of you surviving that mission, but as fate would have it, Sub-Rosa is more merciful than we are. Or at least that’s what they would have us believe.”
Nolan’s hair is streaked with gray and white strands. His fade cut reveals the scars on the side of his head and the wrinkles of time that have burned through his weary soul.
I knew he’d take great interest in Callum’s bait, but I didn’t think he’d really show. The least he could’ve done was let us know ahead of time that he was coming to Bane Falls.
We’ve been sitting like ducks for a fucking month. No contact, no orders, nothing. Maybe it’s part of our punishment for failing to get Callum.
My jaw flexes as John leans forward and asks, “General, why have you come to Bane Falls? You’re not seriously thinking about meeting with that psycho, are you? We found their gate and supply bunker. Why don’t we just demolish it? We don’t need to keep waiting.”
Because he isn’t interested in getting rid of the gate. I sit quietly with my hands folded in my lap, a smoldering cigarette perched between my lips as I analyze the situation. Whenever I think Nolan will zig, he zags.
Nolan’s in full tactical gear under his winter trench coat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him dressed like one of us before. In all my years in the Dark Forces, he’s always in his officer attire with badges and polished shoes.
Why now? What is he up to?
“Bishop, you observe the world around you like a Dark Forces soldier, but you never truly see our purpose. Why would we want to destroy the work they’ve done?
The fluidity they’ve created in this town,” Nolan says with a mystified voice, like he’s excited for what’s to come.
“I’ve never seen anything like what they’ve built here in Bane Falls.
It’s why I sent your squad here to watch and observe, to infiltrate and find them naturally.
Everything was going flawlessly until Arnold went AWOL.
Did you like the package I informed you about, Syxx? ”
My squad turns and slowly looks at me. My heart sinks. I meant to tell them about it, but the timing never felt right.
“Did you send her here?” I ask, sounding dangerously close to accusing him.
Nolan laughs. “No,” he says with a sly smirk, obviously lying.
It takes everything in me to stay seated and keep my calm facade. “Sir, please get to the fucking point. Why aren’t we eliminating the gate?”
Gale and Taylor shift uneasily in their seats, and Bensen shoots me a worried frown.
Nolan doesn’t drop his sinister smile. “I’ve been chasing the black market in one form or another my entire career in the Dark Forces.
And every time I thought I was close, someone tore it from my hands one way or another.
Either they got to my forces first and stole them away or they killed them.
This is the closest we’ve ever been, and I’m not letting this chance slip from my hands.
We are going to use Callum to get into the deeper veins, the dark cities, they call them. ”
My eyes widen. No way it goes that deep. Dark towns like Bane Falls that have been infiltrated by the underworld are one thing, but entire cities where the network of corruption controls the baseline of a metro area is insane. There’d be hundreds of men like Grahm and Callum.
They can’t keep an operation this big hidden throughout the world…
Could they? Is that what’s on the flash drive?
All the locations of their cities? My throat feels dry, and my hands grow clammy at the thought.
I’ve had it this whole time. I told Nolan we couldn’t find it because I wanted to spend more time with Briar. My stomach twists with anxiety.
Bensen tilts his chair back and balances on the back legs. “But what does that get us?”
“It gets us a map—a glimpse at the end of the campaign I started. Once we have all the dark cities, we can finally unleash the full capacity of the Dark Forces.” The general’s voice sends a shudder up my spine.
Full capacity? “Have you not been already, sir?” I slowly stand from my seat, placing both my palms on the table.
“Lieutenant Syxx, you know you’re not the only test squad, let alone the only experiment.” Nolan’s face hardens, and his features are like glass.
I flinch at his comment.
“But you are one of my favorites. Which is why I sent you here specifically. Now, if we’re done with that, we need to go over the plan. We have an audience with Callum tomorrow.”
Blood drips from my thumb and causes ripples in the dark water.
I shouldn’t have shown Briar my spot on the mountain. I haven’t been able to go back, not once. The second I get to the fire trail, bile always rises in the back of my throat and I see the way she looked at me again when I left her—the pain of realizing I wouldn’t keep my promise to her.
Fuck. I squeeze my hand so more blood drips out.
A promise can look like a lot of things.
My promises look like Briar’s bleeding hands and knees—eyes so filled with misery and hurt that it will haunt me to my grave. I will never escape what I did to her.
I press my knife deeper into my thumb. I don’t even alter my scars anymore. Now it’s just self-punishment…because I deserve to hurt.
She’s not a scar I want to alter. She’s one I never want to heal.
My hands tremble as I let myself fall to my back in the sand. My legs are in the frigid water while my torso is splayed on land. I stare up at the crows that caw annoyingly above. They must think I’m dead; most days I wish I were.
I watch them linger near the center of the lake. Curiosity gets the best of me, so I sit up and stare out there.
Something is bobbing, causing ripples in the glassy water.
Who the fuck is swimming in this weather? They must have a death wish.
Drowning. How terribly romantic.