Chapter 18 - Renz
I pushed the cloth that Jasmine handed me from the first aid kit to the bloody gash in my scalp.
It hurt like hell, but it wasn’t that bad.
Sure, it made a mess, but scalp wounds were deceptive.
And it was just a scalp wound. Though I’d been hit pretty hard, I could tell there wasn’t anything deeper. The pain was all surface-level.
The four of us sat at the kitchen table, quiet as Jasmine tidied us up. Her hands were steady, but every so often she inhaled sharply, like she was remembering something that upset her all over again.
I watched Killian, who sat across the table from me.
His eyes were downcast as he soaked his knuckles in a solution that Jasmine had given him.
Even though we would all heal soon enough, since we weren’t that badly injured, she insisted on taking care of us.
Currently, she was brewing several different teas and making poultices with her herbs.
The silence seemed to be getting more intense, so I finally leaned back in my chair and let out a weak chuckle.
Not that the situation was funny, but the tension was just becoming too much.
“Well. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate the irony of it being Killian of all people who snapped first?”
Killian turned toward me. “Ironic? Jace is the most level-headed one.”
“Yeah, but if he was the one who snapped, it would have been disturbing,” I answered.
My wolf still growled lightly in my chest. It wasn’t happy with leaving the outsiders in the care of the warriors.
It wanted to go back and beat them all to a pulp.
It didn’t want to leave them in our territory or let them go.
Killian dragged a hand through his hair. One of his earrings had been ripped out during the fight, and his lobe bled slightly. Jasmine returned to him and dabbed something onto the injury, causing him to flinch back and hiss.
Though I’d just been light-hearted about the whole thing, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation we found ourselves in.
Killian wasn’t usually someone who lost his temper.
I didn’t like how I’d reacted, either, being so hyper-focused on the outsiders.
I’d seen them around town before and kept them in my periphery, but I hadn’t had such a violent reaction to seeing them.
“I was surprised to see that you have a right hook after all,” I said to Killian, putting a laugh into my voice. “But I’m also not surprised at you splitting your hand open like that. Never saw you actually land a punch before.”
Jace frowned at me, and Jasmine shot me a dirty look, but Killian slammed his hand on the table, hard enough that the various concoctions slopped over their edges. “What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you find this a laughing matter?”
Owen reached over. “Killian.”
I renewed the pressure on my wound as Jasmine backed away from Killian, her eyes wide. Killian slumped back in his chair, pressing his palms to his eyes as his shoulders slumped forward.
“What’s going on?” Jace asked. “This isn’t like you.”
“I’m sorry,” Killian murmured, shaking his head.
Jasmine came back to him, putting her arms around him. “It’s been a really terrible night. We all just need some sleep, and we’ll feel better in the morning. I can make some nice soothing tea. And maybe we can figure out how to sleep together. I know I don’t want to be alone.”
My mind went straight to the conversation in the bar.
How she’d told us that she wanted to have more sex.
I stirred, hardening in my jeans. But that wasn’t what she was talking about, and I tried to ignore my arousal.
Her shoulders were slumped, face pale, eyes heavy.
She was exhausted, and I doubt she felt very sexy after being so frightened by those outsiders.
I remembered what they said about her, and my blood boiled. “Jasmine.”
She looked up at me.
“What they said about your body. They’re idiots. Don’t give them any thought. Your body is beautiful, and you are beautiful, and they’re just assholes,” I said, trying to make sure she understood how genuine I was.
Jasmine offered me a small smile. “I’m trying not to think about it. Don’t worry about me. I just need some good sleep.”
“We need to talk more,” Killian said, shaking his head. “You’re right that this isn’t usual for me, and I don’t think it’s just being tired. This might be the dark energy starting to manifest. It might be best if I’m locked up until we can know for sure.”
He stared at the table. I glanced over at Jace and Owen.
They both looked grim, but not surprised.
So, they suspected it, too. I tried to think of something to say.
I should tell them my own suspicions, even though I didn’t have any evidence of it yet.
And still, I didn’t want to say anything.
Was it selfishness? I didn’t want to be parted from Jasmine.
“No, you are not being locked up,” Jasmine said. She pulled Killian tighter into her embrace. “Those jerks were clearly trying to cause trouble. They were going after Renz, and then you stepped in to defend me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But it’s not like me to lose my temper.”
“You’ve never had a mate before, and you’ve never been in a situation where men from another pack were so clearly hostile toward your mate,” Jasmine argued.
Something eased in my chest. Could that be enough of an explanation?
Jasmine kissed Killian’s head and shook her own head. “I don’t want to be parted from you. We don’t need to jump to the worst-case scenario. In the other cases, the dark energy violence was triggered in people who were already possessed, right?”
At this, I spoke. “No. The violence and the possession came at a similar time. We shouldn’t take chances. When the dark energy started to make the Burgess pack violent, they started going after Penny. If that happens to any of us—”
“If this were the dark energy, then Killian wouldn’t defend me. He’d attack me.”
I lowered the cloth from my scalp and checked it with my finger.
Still tender, but it had scabbed over. “Then we should take sex off the table at least. If we have any worries about dark energy, then we should take precautions to make sure you’ll stay safe.
Which means not leaving you alone with anyone and—”
“And no sex,” Jasmine said. She released her embrace on Killian and frowned at me.
“Is it really that big of a deal?” I avoided looking at the others.
“We haven’t had sex except that one time anyway, and there are a lot of logistics to work out.
Like you said, you don’t want to have those marathons anymore, and until we can figure out a way to have a fair system, we should just remain abstinent.
Otherwise, it’ll be easy for resentment to brew. ”
Jasmine moved to Jace’s side and put her arms around him. “Are you jealous?”
I watched her fingers move over his face and wished that I could be the one under her fingers. But jealousy? “That’s not quite the right word.”
“Resentful?” Jasmine moved over to Owen and kissed him deeply.
The sight stirred me. I tightened my hands under the table.
What point was she trying to prove? Oh, I had feelings, alright.
They weren’t jealousy and resentment. Even as much as I wanted to be the one that she was touching and kissing, I also enjoyed seeing her with the others.
It was a strange place, and yet one that felt comfortable.
“No,” I admitted. “I’m not resentful. It’s just that…”
I trailed off, unwilling to really speak on what I was thinking.
Jasmine came to me, then, and cupped my face in her hands. Her touch made my skin shiver, the heat of her so close making me feel like everything could be all right. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, but I couldn’t make myself do it.
“I want to feel more connected,” she told me. “I trust you all. I want to be close and together.”
The weight of that trust settled on me. It wasn’t heavy, it was light, and it made me feel stronger. But doubts wormed their way through me. Was this trust really earned?
She started to lean closer, and I gently put my hands on her hips, pushing her back slightly. “Alright. I understand that you want more connection, and you feel like sex will help with that. I don’t want you to think I’m rejecting you, Jasmine. But I think I need more time.”
Jasmine leaned away again. Hurt was in her eyes, even though she tried to hide it.
“We’ve been drinking and fighting, and my head is just too full right now. I don’t think we’re in the best place…” I shook my head and pushed away from the table. “Sorry, no. It’s not ‘we.’ It’s me. I’m not in the best place to make any decisions. I’m going to go for a run.”
“Do you want to be alone?” Jasmine asked.
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Yes. No. So I didn’t answer that, instead muttering something about needing to burn off energy, and headed out. The night was warmer than I anticipated, but soon enough I was in the forest. The scents filled me, and my shoulders started to unknot.
Taking on my wolf form, I ran along a familiar path, letting my muscle memory take over.
Killian wasn’t the only one worried that he was being affected by the dark energy.
I’d been feeling agitated and closer to snapping over the last few days, and sometimes I found myself in a near-blind rage without even knowing what I was angry about.
When I saw those men at the bar, I wasn’t concerned about Jasmine’s well-being. I just wanted to hurt them.
If that wasn’t a warning sign, I didn’t know what was.
The further I got from town, the less certain I felt.
My thoughts were so tangled up that I finally stopped running entirely.
I shifted to human form and leaned against a tree, panting from how hard I’d been pushing myself.
After I got my breathing under control, I closed my eyes and took in a few deep breaths to fill my lungs with the forest.
I wished that we had spoken to the Burgess alphas about their experiences being possessed.
The prideful part of me had said there was nothing to worry about, that it couldn’t happen to us.
Now I realized how arrogant that had been.
Was it too late to ask now? Would they even want to reveal something that was so intimate?
The bushes rustled, and I shifted back to wolf form and growled. A soft bark answered me, and moments later, Jasmine and the other three left the undergrowth. Jasmine wagged her tail, looking slightly hesitant.
They’d come after me.
My throat swelled. They had come after me. I wasn’t alone. I dashed to Jasmine, licking her face, whining as the emotion swept through me. She licked back, her tail wagging faster and faster. She romped, slapping the ground in a play bow.
We started to play in the forest, running and just enjoying each other’s company. When we were exhausted, the five of us collapsed in a heap in the forest and shifted back to human form. Jasmine climbed into my arms and snuggled against me.
“Are you feeling any better?” she asked, her hand trailing over my chest.
The touch made me want more, but I held back. “I do feel better. But there’s still…I haven’t been fully honest.”
Jasmine lifted her head and gave me a worried look. “What do you mean?”
“I’m worried that I’ve been infected by the dark energy, too. What I felt in the bar, it wasn’t normal. It didn’t feel like me. That’s why I said we need to keep a distance. It’s because I need to keep my distance. Because I might be a danger to you.” Despite my words, my arms tightened around her.
Jasmine ran her hand down my chest.
“I don’t want to have any distance. I want to be close to you,” I confessed.
“I’m so tired of being alone.” It was something I hadn’t told anyone before.
How alone I’d felt, even with my best friends close by.
“I’ve never felt like I truly belonged. I felt like it was just happenstance.
I was absorbed into the friend group. I was made alpha because I was part of the group.
But I’ve never really belonged. Not in personality, not in drive.
I do what I have to do, but I don’t know what I want. ”
Jasmine held me tighter. “You’re not alone, Renz. We’re here for you.”
Jace gripped my shoulder. “We have your back.”
“We’ll keep an eye out,” Owen agreed. “I’m not seeing any signs of the dark energy in you yet, but we will stop you from attacking anyone if it happens.”
Killian nodded. “We’re in this together. You aren’t here with us out of pity. You weren’t just absorbed. You’re part of us, Renz. We’re not us without you.”
I leaned into Jasmine, throat tight with emotion. For the first time in a long time, I felt…whole.