Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
NICK
The world was on overdrive.
Katie was back up on the tips of her toes.
Nick was working overtime to get all of their construction jobs organized and planned to the Nth degree so he could spend two whole weekends at the Nutcracker with his girls.
Yeah. Ruth was a keeper.
If she let them keep her.
Normally, he'd have to depend on the other moms in the dance company to make sure that Katie got to and from the theater and her dances classes during the ballet version of Hell Week.
This year was different.
This year, they had a new member of the family.
And yes, both Katie and Nick were calling Ruth family. It wasn't just a default because she was helping out, they both wanted her to stay with them.
Forever.
Ruth had an early morning order to deliver, so the night before the final dress rehearsal, Nick and Katie were fending for themselves for breakfast.
Katie stared at the breakfast on her plate and then looked up at him. "Dad, I love you..."
He sighed and looked at her across the table. "But?"
"Yes," she nodded. "But, you're just not Ruth."
Katie calling Ruth 'Ruth' was a concession of sorts.
She'd been itching to call her something else, but they'd both held off.
This wasn't something either of them wanted to rush into.
It wasn't that they didn't feel like it was right.
Instead, they'd talked about it a few nights before after Ruth had gone back to her house. Katie was already trying to find a time when they could go out and look for a ring.
It was difficult to find a nice happy medium between getting down on one knee and tossing Ruth over his shoulder and tossing her on his bed and keeping her there.
Well, he didn't want a happy medium. He wanted both.
And soon.
"Okay." Nick picked up his keys from the table and lifted his chin toward the front door. "Let's go get something to eat on the way to school."
Katie did a little twirl and waltzed her way to the front door.
When they got to the door, Katie turned around and hugged him tight, her chin on his chest so he could see her whole sweet face. "Dad, please, don't take this the wrong way."
He blew out a breath and hugged her back. "You know I love your pretty face, Katydid. What's going on in that head of yours?"
"You're the bestest dad. You know that, right?"
He felt like he should gird his loins or some other archaic phrase to prepare himself. "Yeesss?"
"I just wanted to ask..." She blew out a breath, her gaze turning to the side before looking back up at him again. "Would you really be okay with me calling her mom? I mean, if she's okay with it?"
They'd talked about what Ruth's role would be in their family, but they'd never really talked about how they 'felt' about the matter."
Nick looked at the clock on the wall. If they drove through somewhere instead of getting out to eat, there would be time for this conversation.
Or at least the start of it.
Nick wrapped his arms around her and picked her up like he used to when she was little girl.
Katie's peals of laughter rang off the walls and in his ears.
He felt his spirits lift even higher.
He sat them both down on the bench in the entryway.
And they talked as they both put on their shoes. "You wanted to know how I feel about you asking Ruth if you can call her mom?"
Katie smiled at him as she tugged on one boot and started lacing it up. "Yeah. I know I told you that I want to call her mom, but you didn't really say anything about it besides it being my choice. And if Ruth says I can."
He nodded. "And it does come down to those things. If you call her mom there's a certain amount of expectations that people are going to have."
"Expectations?" She paused her work on the laces, her arms going slack as her brain went into overdrive. "Like who? What?"
Nick had to think about it for a minute.
"Your mom's parents died when she was in college.
None of her extended family is close. But they would probably be the only ones to question it.
" He leaned back and felt the wall against his shoulder blades.
He drew in a breath and let it out again.
"People outside of our family? I don't think we need to consider them too much.
There is another family we're not considering here. "
Katie leaned back against the wall, and it wasn't lost on Nick that she was copying his posture.
He didn't think she was doing it on purpose, but since her mom had passed on, they'd become closer than ever before.
They were mimicking each other, and he saw it happen regularly.
He wasn't sure how silly it was to feel like an absolute boss when his daughter mimicked him, but he felt about ten feet tall in those moments.
When she got a little older and started using his own temper against him?
He might not be so excited then.
"You mean..."
He met Katie's confused gaze with a soft smile.
"Ruth's family?"
He nodded. "I'm not sure exactly how many family members she has and how close they are to her. Ruth mostly talks to us about... us. We need to talk to her more about her family. Her life."
Katie nodded slowly. "But when I've asked her about herself, she'll say something and then she'll change it around and ask me questions about myself. Or you."
A strange shadow passed over her features. A shadow that he rarely saw in her expression anymore.
Nick reached out and put his hand on Katie's where it sat on the cushion of the bench seat. "Tell me what you're thinking, Katydid."
She gave him a weak smile.
"I don't think we can rush this, Dad." She rushed on. "It's not that I'm not sure about her becoming family. I don't think you're waffling about it either."
Nick's eyes opened a little wider. "Waffling?"
Katie's smile took him back in time when she would have a sweet little secret that she'd tell him over a bowl of frosted flakes. "Ruth used it and explained that it wasn't just about gooey morning goodness."
Nick nodded.
Ruth was becoming a larger part of their lives than ever before.
But Katie was right, there was more they had to find out about Ruth. It wasn't a trust issue. No, Ruth was as trustworthy as people come these days.
If she wasn't... If he had any doubts whatsoever, he would never leave Katie alone with her.
He wouldn't have brought her into Katie's life.
Nick reached out a hand and touched the top of Katie's head like he used to when she was little. He'd gently pass his hand over her hair, just a little bit above her hair so he could feel the little hairs tickling his palms.
"I think you and I have to look at this from the perspective of how long we plan to have her in our lives."
Katie reeled back a little, her mouth turned down in a slight frown. "What do you mean?"
"Well..." Nick shook his head trying to find the words to explain. He decided that he should stumble through it out loud. He might get lucky and find the right words.
Ha! Right.
"You and I are a good pair. At least I think so."
"Duh! Of course we are, dad!" Katie shook her head at him, but she was smiling at him. Her eyes warm with love. So much like her mom that it was one of the best reminders of his wife.
She was so much of her mom that he knew he needed to try to preserve those parts of her and still, let her grow. Nick had learned a long time ago from a family therapist that deciding things for Katie when it came to her thoughts and emotions was a big NOPE.
As a dad before, he was gone most of the day at work. He came home and got to play with Katie. Her own personal jungle gym. The pony that took her out in the backyard and sometimes, when she wanted to hear stories that needed deeper voices, that was left to him.
There were many times that he'd wanted more but he was lost about how to offer it. How to volunteer beyond the schedule they'd fallen into.
Oh, he didn't fault Katie's mother at all. She was a loving, thoughtful woman. An incredible mother.
It had been so easy to let things fall into place the way they had.
Neither of them had expected that they'd... that one of them would die before Katie was grown up and on her own.
But life had no guarantees.
That was probably the crux of his worries.
"Thinking about it," he let out a low, slow breath, "part of the reason why I think... I feel like I want us to hold onto Ruth so tightly... so quickly... is because we lost your mom so-"
"Unexpectedly." Katie's voice was barely a whisper, but he heard it clearly.
He heard her meaning even more.
"Yeah," she blew out a breath, her cheeks puffing up, "when I hug her, I worry I'm hugging too tightly. Not just because I... I love her, but I'm afraid we might turn around and..."
Nick pulled Katie tightly into his embrace.
The words she hadn't said were screaming in his ears.
SHE'LL BE GONE!
He wanted to make Ruth part of their family, but he didn't want to hold on too tight. Ruth didn't need to carry the weight of their worries on her shoulders.
She didn't need them weighing her down or squeezing the air out of her.
"We need to be careful that we're not pressuring her to the point where she runs away from us."
Nick smiled at his daughter and lifted a hand to tuck a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. "You're growing up, Katydid. I just wish I'd done a better job. I never really did understand how to fill in the gap where your mom used to be."
He blinked back hot, frustrated tears and struggled to hold himself together.
He just hoped that he could keep his shit together until he dropped her off at the curb in front of her school.
"Okay." He cleared his throat as he stood up. "It's time to get in the car or we're not going to even have time for the drive thru."
He reached for the front doorknob and pulled the front door open.
"Dad?"
He turned back and smiled at his not-so-little girl. "Yeah, sweetie?"