Chapter Twenty-Six #2
Tremors overtake my body again, the consequence of absorbing too many strong emotions, proving I am no longer able to tolerate the influx of fear and anger ravaging my cells.
The amber shield dissipates, freeing me as strong hands wrap around my arms, allowing for a momentary reprieve before I will be expected to execute the messenger.
Tears brim with the awareness of how I’ll need to use my magic when it’s already so depleted.
The most powerful witch, who was capable of manipulating entire armies, is now reduced to this pathetic shaking thing after one incident so reminiscent of countless before it.
How am I going to survive much more of this?
Drusilla’s expression is bewildered as she re-enters my bedchamber.
“You are dismissed until the Emperor releases her again,” Varic says.
Drusilla surprisingly nods once and exits without a fuss. Her absence activates some sort of reaction, and my eyes swim with every tear I must have unknowingly held back the whole time she could have been witness.
Rough, warm fingers grasp my chin. “Look at me,” Varic commands, to which my eyes slam shut and I shake my head. “Tasch, please.” His voice cracks, breaking my heart. “Look at me.”
Lars plods around me, his heavy steps so distinct I could recognize them in my sleep, then my eyes flare wide when Varic’s hand drops from my chin because Lars shoulder-checks him.
“I don’t care what role the Emperor has appointed you,” Lars says. “It is not your place to command her right now.”
I reach out with the little magic I have left, and a heated wave of rage rolls straight from Varic’s chest. A small cry of agony tears from me as every joint burns inside my body, causing Varic’s knowing gaze to increase, searing me as I force out a breath, and his mood shifts to concern.
Lars continues to glare at Varic, who admits, “You’re right. She needs to rest.”
His eyes seek mine, and heat creeps through my cheeks as he moves so close his breath scatters the stray hairs around my neck, casting higher when he tips his chin to whisper in my ear. “I’m sorry, Tasch.” Gooseflesh ripples everywhere his breath skates over my skin. “You deserve better treatment.”
His rough, warm fingers thread between mine, so cold and lifeless, hanging loose by my side. A thrill rolls up my arm, heading straight for my heart with the look of concern he shares for my well-being.
“You deserve better.” Varic leans closer. “And I promise I will never stop trying to be who you deserve. I vow to you, and you alone—not to the Dragons, and certainly not the Empire. I vow to always strive to do better by you, Tasch. Even when I fail more often than should be possible.”
He straightens, and my throat constricts, then one side of his mouth ticks up as he stares at just how bright my cheeks burn for him.
No one says a word as renewed energy thrums through my veins. I shrug Cirrin and Fray from holding onto my arms, while offering Cirrin a small smile in thanks for his covert healing.
“She needs to lie down,” Cirrin commands, and Varic nods, leading the way to the black velvet chaise set at an angle before the ornate fireplace.
My eyes fall closed as I tilt my head back to take the mounting pressure off my neck, and relief courses through my joints as they finally have the chance to decompress.
The cushion shifts under the weight of—
“Tasch.” The tenderness in Varic’s voice cinches the invisible string around my heart. “This is all too much. I’m worried about you having to continue pushing yourself like this.”
“I don’t have a choice, Varic,” I say, voice breaking.
“I know.” He gathers my hand in his own. “Just—fuck. The only way I know to say this is selfish—” His gaze drops to the blank space between us. “It’s killing me to see you like this.” His words pull that string taut around my chest—binding and constricting until I can scarcely pull in a breath.
“Having to do nothing but watch as he slowly siphons your life force every time he requires you to use your magic.” He shakes his head.
“I can’t do it. Every ounce of suffering you experience, I swear I can feel it all tenfold.
” He taps his fingertips to the beat of a mournful song over the curve of sensitive skin inside my arm.
“This is why I didn’t want you to take the vow, Varic,” I remind him without inflection. “You do not owe me. There is no need to return what I did for you. You need to relinquish your sense of responsibility for my well-being.”
“I can’t.”
“Well, not now that you’ve taken the vow.”
“Before that. From the moment we met. Before you had the chance to do anything.”
All I can do is blink back. While I felt a strong connection far earlier than I ever would have guessed possible, the same thing happening within him is improbable, at best.
“You seem to have forgotten who you are. You have somehow become disconnected with your essence, walking around like this phantom presence. You act as if you are nothing but a husk of the witch you once were, when your strength does not lie in the ability to endure hardship. It is being yourself despite it. Never losing that part of you that’s true, tenacious, and vibrant.
That part of you is still in there. Just as bold and brilliant as it has ever been.
” I shake my head. “I can see it. So even when you can’t tell if it exists, I can.
And I will hold this recognition for you until you are able. ”
He squeezes his fingers where he holds my wrist. “I understand that you are miserable, and I know you are ready for this to end.”
Heart pounding, I search his expression, needing to know how he knows this, as I’ve never said those words to anyone.
“I know that look, because I’ve lived it,” he says, answering the question I didn’t ask. “I know that feeling of resignation and desperation. I understand why you have accepted this fate, and also why you refuse to endanger others in order to save yourself.”
My heart constricts as words swirl through my mind, though I cannot speak them. At least, not yet.
“I need you to understand that when you hurt, I feel it. When you die, I die with you. When you cease to exist, my soul goes where yours is.” A shuddering breath rumbles through my chest as he moves closer, trailing his hand up my arm.
“That’s not how the blood-bond works.”
He leans down, looking at me through his lashes, almost admonishing in his reaction. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
I nod, yet it’s not enough to convey what I need him to understand. “I’m so sorry, Varic.”
“No.” His voice is resolute, so I pull on what little magic I can and drain his sorrows to leave him with a stinging sense of regret.
He deserves a reminder of how he wishes he’d kept from vowing to protect me, a promise that’s causing him immeasurable anguish.
His eyes search my face knowingly when I imbue him with all the grounding, focused emotions I can gather—pulling on his natural confidence to come forward.
Everything he needs to distract from the grief of his life changing so drastically because of his forced sense of fealty toward me.
“Godsdammit, I’ve done it again.” He sighs. “I promised you I would strive to do better by you, then I open my mouth and add more stress when what you need is rest.” The chaise groans beneath him as he leans closer.
“This is what we do, Varic. We share our heaviness.” I raise my brows and implore him to prove he remembers what we once were to each other.
He nods, swirling his fingertips in slow circles over my skin as we get lost in this liminal space between us—until Lars clears his throat, effectively breaking the enchantment.
I pull in a deep breath before asking the room, “Who would have planted such a terrible actor in our Guard? If some other kingdom or rebel group were going to try to capture me, wouldn’t they have sent someone capable of convincing us he was Imperial staff?
And did you see his sigil tattoo? The ink—”
Before anyone can respond, I startle from the loud knock on the door. Varic pats my arm once before standing to answer.
“Announce yourself!” he demands.
“Imperial Guard Roy, under His Majesty’s express orders to escort Imperial Grand Witch Tasch to his chambers.” Varic turns, and the rest of my Guards nod in acknowledgment before his eyes fall to mine and I mindlessly reach for Cirrin’s hand to steady me.