Chapter Forty-Two
Illumination
My eyes flare open and dart around, trying to determine the source of a shuffling sound. Whatever it is must be encased in shadow, as I cannot make out any movement when a chill washes over me, and I blink, trying to see.
“How are you holding up?” Fray asks, voice raspy with both sleep and thirst.
My lungs depress and release a breath now that I know the source of the commotion. “As well as can be expected.”
“I’m surprised you’re still chained to the wall,” Lars says with a yawn.
“You really think the Emperor would have released me by now?” I ask.
“No, I expected him to have figured out a way to free you.” Lars gestures to Varic. “Either with his force magic, or that he might have gotten bold enough to try his own telekinesis.”
“I can’t take the chance of hurting her,” Varic says.
“My blasting isn’t that precise.” I turn and narrow my eyes in response, as he just argued the opposite with me only moments before.
“The risk is too great. I don’t know how to conjure telekinesis, nor how to use it.
I won’t risk her limbs simply because I wish to get her out of these shackles as quickly as possible. ”
Lars holds his hands in front of his chest as he slowly makes his way to stand closer.
“Lars, Fray,” Varic commands as they both perk up. “Come help me warm her.”
My heart quirks, and I turn to where they lumber over, still drowsy from what must have been a fitful rest. Fray reaches up and turns the dial on a gas lamp in the dark corner where they slept, casting golden light over that side of the rectangular room.
“Give them water,” I command.
Varic’s lips part as if he is about to argue before the lines around his eyes soften, and he concedes in handing the flask over. Fray takes two pulls before offering it to Lars, who does the same. It’s not enough, but it can sustain them for now.
“How exactly do you want us to help warm her?” Lars asks, bringing a flush to my cheeks. “I’m not about to risk you obliterating me.”
“We will take turns sitting on either side of her. Fray, you sit here,” Varic says, gesturing to my left. “Lars, you take the other side.”
Pulse thrumming, Varic rises to make room for Fray while Lars turns the key on a sconce overhead, allowing a slight amount of light to cast over us, before grunting as he lowers himself to sit by my side.
The warmth from their bodies takes a moment to reach me, but once it does, tears sting along my lash line, and I screw up my lips to the side.
Varic drops down before me and crosses his legs as he scoots in. Flinching, I pull my legs to my chest to make room for him when he leans forward to take hold of both of my ankles.
“Your feet must be freezing,” he says, looking at me so intently I can’t hide anything, so I nod and suck in a sharp breath as he lifts them up and onto his lap.
“Fuck,” Varic says. “Your toes are bright white, like there’s no blood left in them.
” Fury fissures through his chest with every stroke he rubs into the sole of my foot, only pausing to steeple his hands over my frigid toes.
Holding this pose, we all sit in silence, aside from the sound of our breaths.
Varic’s expression is one of determination as he slowly lowers my foot back to his lap before reaching up to undo the top button on his undershirt—to which my brows rise as his fingers work their way down the center of his chest.
“That’s one way to get her blood flowing,” Lars says.
Varic glares at him before softening as he turns to me. “I should have thought of this earlier. I’m so sorry, Tasch. I should have offered you my boots, or my shirt to cover them better.”
“Stop holding yourself accountable for the decisions of others,” I say, and the pain in his expression twists my heart.
He blinks rapidly while maintaining our gaze, mindlessly undoing each of the gold buttons down the front of his black undershirt, proving he can move more rapidly than the torturously slow movement he used when helping me out of my dress only the night before.
My mouth waters once he reaches the last button and he breaks our eye contact to strip the shirt back and reveal his toned, brown chest.
“Remember to breathe.” Fray nudges me in the ribs, and I wish I had Cirrin’s ability to make myself lose consciousness.
Instead, I cannot seem to keep from staring at the way Varic’s muscles ripple and flex over his abdomen, with his shirt hanging open over his broad shoulders.
My heart kicks behind my ribs when the iridescent shine of his newest silver lightning scars catch the light while my eyes remain fixed on their shape, winding up and through the old ones on both of his sides.
“Varic,” I say, and he quirks a brow, still focusing his attention on warming me. “When?” I nod toward the scars lining his hips.
He follows my gaze and forces out a breath before shuffling closer with his legs crossed under him, only stopping once the center of his shins aligns with the backs of my thighs.
Lifting one of my feet by the ankle, he presses the sole over his stomach, and I grimace from the shooting pain arcing through my muscles now that they’re regaining sensation.
“Was it in the Emperor’s bathing chamber?”
Varic’s jaw feathers in answer, and I have to turn away, because if I keep looking at the sorcerer who hurt himself in order to keep us safe, I will not be able to keep more tears from forming.
Lars sighs rather than saying what he normally would otherwise.
“This may seem strange, but it’s the best way I can think to warm you,” Varic says, drawing my other foot up so both of my soles rest against his abdomen, where he cups his hands over the top to help warm my toes.
The heat from his skin penetrates, eliciting more stinging, yet I swallow down every groan, refusing to risk him stopping for fear he’s hurting me.
“You know your force-shield warms me,” I say.
“It does?” he asks, brows furrowed.
“Yes, it has a similar heat to your skin,” I let slip, then instantly regret it as Lars shakes with laughter beside me.
“I’m going to cast it over you, if you’re comfortable with me doing so,” Varic says.
“Yes, I am comfortable with you tending to my needs, Varic. But what you had to do to yourself in the bathing chamber? I’m not.”
Varic closes his eyes, then they flare open, pinning me with the heat swirling within as he casts his magic out from beneath the shackles.
Pulsing amber warms me as it creeps along my skin, imbuing me with just enough heat to settle the shivering into tiny needles of reprieve as my skin comes back to life under his attention.
“I’m okay, Tasch. It’s just skin.”
“No. You cannot keep scarring yourself in order to keep from obliterating everyone around you.”
“Then tell me what I can do. I’ve tried everything else. Nothing works. Nothing helps me keep my emotions from getting the best of me. Nothing else is strong enough to save those around me from my inability—”
“No. It is not your fault that you have had to endure anything requiring this kind of harm to your being. I’m so sorry, Varic. This is why—”
“Stop. I made the vow because I chose to, and you will not feel guilt for my decision.”
“But you didn’t know.”
“No, I was not aware of the full extent to which you have been tormented. And now that I know, I wish I had found a way to keep you from ever coming back here.”
“We already determined there wasn’t a safer option—” I begin.
“I don’t mean earlier today,” Varic says, and my chest heaves with labored breathing as he stares at me with six years’ worth of regret behind his irises. I can’t do this.
“What do we say if the Emperor comes in and sees you cradling my legs like this?”
Varic stares back at me with flames from the sconce overhead reflected in his eyes.
“I will explain how the Empire’s strongest force sorcerer, whom he appointed as your Lead Guard, had to take matters into his own hands to keep you from losing your toes due to His Majesty removing your healer and refusing to give you a blanket when he left you shackled to a wall.
” The aggression in his tone squeezes my heart, thumping heavy and low as a different sort of fear takes hold, as it seems it would be in everyone’s best interest if the Emperor would keep his distance until my Lead Guard’s fury settles some more.
Varic sets my newly enlivened feet in the middle of his lap, and I pull in a slow breath when he takes my right foot between both hands and proceeds to press the pad of his thumb in, drawing a line up my arch, which I feel even through his shield, as he earns a low moan from me every time he applies pressure.
Fray laughs, and I groan, closing my eyes while tipping my head back to the cold stone.
“I’m trying to help her get better circulation,” Varic says.
“I have no doubt her blood is flowing now,” Lars says. “And that you’re not just rubbing her feet to try to elicit more of her moaning.”
I elbow Lars in the side, and he grunts playfully. Varic’s nostrils flare, yet he continues with his attentive massage. Then, once he seems satisfied with the results, he brings both of my feet to rest flat on his abdomen and covers each with his hands again.
“There. I think you’re finally gaining some warmth.”
I smile back faintly now that the cold is no longer stabbing.
“Rest your head on the big lug’s shoulder and try to get some sleep,” Varic instructs, as Lars shifts lower to accommodate our height difference.
I drop my temple to the curve of Lars’ bicep, and his fresh pine scent soothes me as I settle in. Fray leans over to rest his cheek against my arm as our breathing takes on a similar rhythm under Varic’s careful watch, while he maintains his hold on me, ensuring I stay warm.