Nine
Amelia
I ’m so stupid , I think as I take Penny for her evening walk. Why did I agree to go out with him?
So I do what any sane woman would do. I call my best friend.
“I’m freaking out,” I say without even saying hi when she answers.
“Oh, the drama,” Pam says. “What’s wrong?”
“I told Luke I would go out with him tomorrow night after I meet with the contractor. Why did I do that?” I say in a panic.
“Because you like him? Because you know you’re ready to date, even though you fight it like the little bitch you are.” I can feel her eye roll. “You’ve already been on one date with him a couple of weeks ago. What’s the difference?”
“No, that wasn’t a date. That wasn’t the plan. We were all supposed to go out, and you all backed out and left me hanging,” I say quickly.
“You might not have planned it, but we all did. We helped you rip the Band-Aid off, so you got all the awkwardness out of the way from not dating at all in the last five years.”
“ You what !” I yell. “I knew you had something to do with how things worked out because Sam never backs out of free food!”
“Oh, stop acting like you’re mad and just thank us. Now, what are you doing? And what are you going to wear? But most importantly, are you going to try and dust some of the cobwebs out of your cootch after all this time?” Pam laughs.
“He said we’re going to play mini golf . . . I should probably find out if food will be involved or if I should eat before I go because you know I get hangry.”
“Yeah, that’s smart. Also, I was thinking we should plan a girls’ night, but I want to invite Luna to come out with us. That girl needs a day off. Ann was telling me she had to lock her out of the kitchen on one of her days off because she wouldn’t just go back to her cabin,” Pam says.
“A girl’s night is exactly what I need. I agree, Luna needs to be brought into our little group and soon! Maybe if we can get her out more with us, she’ll stop working so much. Oh! We need to invite Abby too. I swear I saw her when I was getting a latte every day this week,” I add. “You know, I’ve decided, I don’t think I’m going to go. I’ll tell him Penny got sick or something is wrong with the contractor.”
“Absolutely not!” Pam yells at me so loud I have to pull the phone away from my ear.
“I just think it’ll be easier to end it now instead of either of us getting emotionally invested and then it being harder to end later,” I say, allowing some of my true fears to come out.
“How did I not know how dumb you are when we’ve been best friends for so long?” Pam asks. “Yes, what Leo did to you and how things ended sucked. It was awful, and to this day, I curse his name and hope he gets every STD possible. But that does not mean that you just shut yourself away. You deserve to find more happiness than you already have.”
“God, I hate you—literally. I don’t know why we’re friends either when you just call me out all the time,” I say half-heartedly because I know damn well she’s right, and I’m just not ready to admit it to myself—at least not out loud. “Fine, I was thinking about jeans and a shirt that says ‘Hey, I like you,’ but not like ‘Hey, I haven’t had sex in five years, and I just want you to fuck my brains out,’” I say as I turn back down my street.
“Send pictures when you get home tonight, but I think you should wear the shirt that says ‘I haven’t been fucked in five years, so fuck my brains out.’ Oh, and don’t forget to shave,” Pam says with laughter in her voice.
“You’re dumb, but I’ll send what I’m thinking about wearing. I’m walking up to my place. Thanks for calming me down and being the voice of reason. As usual, you’re the best.”
“No problem. Let me know if I need to let the princess out after work. I can swing by on my way home.”
“I might take you up on that because I’ll feed her before I leave. Toodles, my dude,” I say as I hang up.
I let myself in and take Penny’s leash off, then hang it up by the door.
After walking into my room, I send off a couple of pictures of different potential outfits.
I still think this date tomorrow night is a bad idea, but I also can’t deny that part of me is slightly excited. I haven’t wanted to date, and it’s not for lack of people trying. Brian, who’s a lieutenant for the sheriff’s department, mostly because of who his father is, has been trying to get me to go on a date for as long as I’ve lived here, but something just rubs me the wrong way about him.
I head to the bathroom after topping off Penny’s water to shower and shave all the important parts. The one thing I decide in the shower is that I’m going to give this a real go because I deserve this.
I work hard and have put my personal life on hold while building my business for the last five years.
I freeze at that thought.
Have I been putting my life on hold to protect myself?
I realize that I have and not in a I just want to build a business way, in a I’m just not letting a male get close in a relationship type of way. It’s like everything my therapist and Pam have talked about over the past year just kind of clicks.
I might have ended things with Leo five years ago and moved across the country to build my farm, but in reality, I just used that business as a wall to keep people out romantically.
This whole time, I’ve just thought I was happy on my own when I never really let myself think that not every man is like Leo.
I stop that train of thought. It’s like I’m still letting the pecker head have power over me, and that ends tonight. I need to do good for my business and community but also for myself.
It’s time to stop hiding and start living, and I’m going to start by going on a date with the first man who has made me feel something in a long time. While it might not lead to anything serious, I can at least say I tried.
I quickly run through the rest of my nighttime routine and let Penny out before we climb into bed. Happy with my decision, I quickly fall asleep, kind of excited for tomorrow.