Twenty-Two
Ameila
A s I sit in the car with the animals while Luke runs in to get a change of clothes, I start to panic.
I never thought I would meet anyone interested in what I do for a living. At least no one I would ever be interested in romantically. My palms are clammy and my chest tightens, so I do what any wise female does. I call my best friend.
“If you’re calling me right now, that means you’re alone, and if you’re alone, Luke did not do what I expected last night,” she says without saying hi.
Rolling my eyes, I say, “Hi Pam, how are you? I’m good, thanks for asking.”
“Are you good, or are you good, good after a good dick down last night?”
“Let’s just say he stayed the night, and I have no words for how good it was.”
Pam squeals, and I pull the phone away from my ear.
“I knew he would dust the cobwebs out of your vajeen!!” she yells into the phone.
“Yes, it was great. He even woke up, let Penny out and fed her, and then made me a full breakfast this morning, and I’m kind of freaking out about it.”
“Why are you freaking out? Did you drop him off on the way to the farm?”
“There’s no way this is real. None at all. Not only did I have the most amazing sex of my life, but he cooked and is now changing in his house right now and wants to come to the farm with me to help me test the water.” I start to bite my thumbnail.
“Listen to me. A healthy relationship is when the person you’re with shows interest and supports you in any way they can. In his case, he’s making sure to learn about your business because he knows it’s important to you. He doesn’t have to have an ulterior motive to be interested in your job . . . I mean, he already got laid. When it comes to him feeding you, well, we both know you eat like a toddler and would have rolled out of bed, grabbed a protein bar, and skipped lunch today.”
“You don’t know me or my choices. I might have woken up early enough to make a full breakfast,” I snap.
“Bitch, we’re basically twins. You one hundred percent would not have woken up early enough to make a full breakfast.”
“Whatever,” I say, knowing she’s right, but I don’t want to admit it. “Oh, shit, he’s coming. I’ll text you.”
“Remember, Luke isn’t Leo. Give him a shot, he’s good for you. Call me later, love you,” she says, and I hang up.
“Sorry I took so long. Sam apparently didn’t come home last night, so while I changed, I was talking to no one,” he says as he settles in the driver’s seat.
Took so long, he took maybe ten minutes . . .
I turn in my seat to face him. “What do you mean Sam didn’t come home? Do you think he stayed with Abs? They were acting weird toward each other last night, right?”
He puts his arm on the headrest of my seat and shoulder checks as he backs out of the driveway. “Yeah, but Sam isn’t used to a female he flirts with shutting him down so often. So I’m sure that frustrates him. What’s funny is I texted with him this morning, and he mentioned going back to bed. Maybe he dropped Abby off and went to a booty call’s house. Who was on the phone?”
“Pam called to check in like we do after a night out. I swear to all that is holy, I will murder Sam if he makes Abs not want to hang out with us anymore,” I say, looking out the window.
He puts his hand on my thigh and squeezes. “Sam might be a womanizer, but he isn’t dumb enough to mess with the friend group.”
Five minutes later, he pulls into the parking lot of the farm and we hop out to grab the animals.
I walk up to the door and enter my code to unlock it. Looking over my shoulder, I smile when I see him behind me with Ginny on his shoulder. “We have to put them in my office. If you want, you can hang with them while I test the water really quick.”
“No, I’ll stay out of your way, but I’ll hang with you if it’s okay?”
“It’ll be boring, but if that’s what you want.”
After we get the animals all set up, I grab the test kit we use from the shelf outside my office. We make small talk as I move about the different tanks to test them. We ask each other questions about random things, but he also peppers in questions about what I’m doing and why.
It’s weird to have someone genuinely interested in what I’m talking about. I’m not used to this type of conversation with someone I like where it doesn’t feel forced.
As we walk into one of the last rooms, he asks a question I should have expected but didn’t.
“Can you tell me what happened with your last relationship? If you aren’t comfortable, you don’t have to answer that question.”
I stop and look at him. “Um, yeah, I can tell you about it. It isn’t pretty, and I’m not proud of it, but if that’s what you want to know about, sure.” I pause, thinking about where to start. I figure I might as well start from the beginning, rip off the Band-Aid and tell him everything.
“Leo and I met in college at a party. I was lonely and in a new city. He made me feel pretty and important. Right from the beginning, we were inseparable. When we weren’t in classes, we were together. After that first semester, we moved in together.” Stopping to take a breath, I turn to the chairs I keep in this greenhouse for the locals and motion for us to sit down. I look at him and continue. “After graduation, I was ready to move back to Boston, but he got accepted into the FBI Academy and begged me to stay there with him. He told me he would put Boston as his top choice after his graduation, so I stayed. He got placed in DC after the academy, and I wasn’t surprised because his whole life was there, but I just figured he just didn’t get his top choice.” I shake my head because it’s so obvious now. “I remember when I asked him, he said it was because he was told he was needed in DC. So, being young and in love, I believed him. That’s how I found myself staying in DC instead of moving back to Boston. I got a job with a home healthcare company and managed one of their offices. It took about a year before I realized what was happening. I noticed we were only hanging out with his work friends. Every time I wanted to see any of my friends from work or college, he would come up with a reason why we couldn’t, even when I said only I had to go. The only people he couldn’t drive out of my life were Pam and the rest of the Sanchezes, and let me tell you, that pissed him off because it wasn’t for a lack of trying. Once he got his first promotion, the verbal abuse really started.” I stop when I hear his sharp intake of breath and see his hands in fists on his lap.
I can’t look at him. I don’t want to see the look of pity I’m used to seeing when I talk about this topic. So I get up and stand by one of the tanks.
Staring into the water, I continue. “It was little comments at first. My hair was never the right color, I didn’t wear enough makeup, or I didn’t dress nice enough. I was ten pounds too heavy, or I worked too much and couldn’t support him the way he needed. This started around the time we bought a townhouse together. I thought it would get better. We owned the house, and we were talking about marriage. It didn’t get better and just kept getting worse.” I didn’t hear him get up from his chair, but he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. I let myself sink into him. “During college, I focused on science-based classes and ended up taking one about agriculture. That class mentioned aquaponics, and the idea stuck with me. One night when Leo was working late and I couldn’t sleep, I looked into it and realized it was something I could do anywhere. So I started small. I grew plants in large pots on our balcony during the summer and started to make plans.” I stop to take a breath because this has never gotten easier to talk about. “One day he heard me talking to Pam about it, and the moment he realized I had an interest that didn’t benefit him, he went immediately for all of my faults, talking about how I could never do it and that it was a stupid idea and that I would embarrass him with my failure.” I pause, trying to breathe through the memories bombarding me. My chest tightens, and I realize a panic attack isn’t far behind.
Luke squeezes his arms around me to help ground me, and he doesn’t realize how much he’s holding me together right now.
I start to go through one of my grounding exercises and find five things I can see. Water. Tomatoes. Wood. Lock pad. Thermostat.
Four things I can touch. Luke. My shirt. Fish. Door handle.
“Take your time, sweetness. I got you. You aren’t alone anymore,” he whispers in my ear, and I breathe him in.
The calm washes over me enough that I can finish the story.
“I believed him and didn’t talk about it until a year later when I was just miserable with my job and life in general. So when he wasn’t home, I went into full planning mode. It started as my backup plan. I had this whole thing planned out down to the business plan and rough sketches of the greenhouse. One night everything came to a head, and he gave me an ultimatum. The farm or him, and I chose the farm. After he stormed out, I called Pam, and she and Sam were on the first flight out of Boston. Between the three of us, we packed up the few belongings I had and stayed in a short-term rental for a year until I got the approval letter for the grant. While I waited for the approval I had it narrowed down to three cities I wanted to build in and Griffin’s Den won. I told Pam I was moving here, and the rest is history.”
We stand in silence for a couple of minutes, with only the noise of the filters filling the space before he speaks. “He’s a fucking idiot. You are a treasure and should be treated as such. He didn’t deserve you. I promise you right here and now that I might make mistakes because I’m not perfect, but I will never make you choose between me and your friends or me and your business. In fact, I’m going to learn anything I can so I can help you in any way you need.”
I turn in his arms to face him and wrap my arms around his waist. “I’m not perfect either. I doubt myself and don’t trust my judgment easily, but I’m going to try.”
“I don’t want perfection, sweetness. I just want you.” He leans forward and gives me the sweetest kiss, slow and full of feelings I haven’t felt in a long time.
After standing there for a couple of minutes just . . . being, he says, “Okay, let’s finish this section of the greenhouse and see if we can figure out what’s going on with the pH levels.” He turns me to face the door of the next section of the greenhouse and smacks my ass as I walk toward where I left my testing kit.
I bend over to grab it, and something catches my eye. I stand up, and my heart stops in my chest. Half the fish in the next tank are dead when they were just fine yesterday morning, and I go into crisis mode.