Chapter 45
Amy
London
London was grey that Thursday morning. Nothing unusual there, thought Amy, except that she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was somehow her fault. That the clouds hung lower, the air felt colder, the drizzle was somehow wetter, because of her night with Sarah the night before.
She felt wretched.
Last night... she shouldn't have let that happen.
Amy had gone to meet Sarah with the intention, not to mention the certainty, that it was for a drink or two and to talk.
With everything that had happened with Luisa since she'd last seen Sarah, Amy had been clear with herself that she would go home, alone, at the end of the evening, that it would be an evening that helped her and Sarah to define whether there was anything that could still happen between them but nothing more.
Well... Amy had managed to go home alone at the end of the evening, that was true. She'd left Sarah's place a little after midnight and been messaging Luisa from her own bed by one.
It was what happened between the bar and her bed that was the problem.
Fuck. Why couldn't I just be stronger? Why didn't I just leave when I said I would?
Amy wasn't ready to restart any romantic entanglement with Sarah, despite all the thinking that Sarah had done, her thoughts on the future and the end of her mentoring scheme.
There was so much complexity there, and beneath it all was the knowledge still that Sarah had used Amy like she'd used her other mentees, that as much as she liked Sarah there was that side to her that she couldn't simply expunge with a few apologies and a promise to do better.
Please. That was what had done it. Amy had never seen Sarah like that before, so vulnerable, so in need.
That was why she'd ended up doing what they'd done.
.. because Sarah had asked her for it, and in a moment of weakness Amy hadn't felt like she should say no, not out of a sense of obligation but out of a sense of care for Sarah.
Amy knew that her and Luisa were open, that strictly speaking it was fine to do what she'd done.
But that morning it felt like a legalistic argument rather than the right answer, because what she was feeling for Luisa was something else.
.. a strength of feeling she'd never had for anyone ever before.
So... she was feeling wretched, and she didn't have a clue what to do about it.
***
That morning she'd taken the coward's way out and worked from home… in no way was she ready to see Sarah, not after Amy's moment of weakness last night.
Of course, work from home presented its own challenges when you were in a house share rather than your own flat…
she couldn’t just sit on her bed to work, but she couldn’t sit at the dining table downstairs without everyone else in the house able to listen in to her confidential calls.
She sighed in frustration. Not for the first time she looked forward to having a place of her own again one day.
Luckily, that day only Naomi was working from home too, so Amy could just about get by sharing a dining table with her… they’d both swapped gossip about respective workplaces anyway over the years so often that it didn’t really matter.
Around ten Amy let out a deep sigh of frustration, still feeling terrible and unable to think about her work. Naomi’s head snapped up. “Right, that’s enough of you moping around like a love sick puppy. You’ve been doing that all morning.”
Amy was startled at the response. “Really?”
“Yes, really. Get your coat, I’m going to buy you a coffee and you’re going to tell me about it.”
Amy smiled weakly. “Ok…” But she wasn’t sure how Naomi could really help.
***
Thirty minutes later, coffees in hand and walking round the Common, Amy had unburdened herself on Naomi, telling her what had happened the night before, her worries, the lot.
Naomi stopped in her tracks, and Amy came to a halt too. “I’m going to tell you something that you might not want to hear, ok?” Amy nodded. “But hear me out.”
“Ok… you’ve got me worried now.”
Naomi smiled. “Everything you’ve just told me… for one of the cleverest people I know, you’re remarkably stupid sometimes.”
Amy smiled too. This wasn’t the first time Naomi had told her that, and usually what followed was direct, cut through the crap, and went a long way towards fixing the problem.
"You're in love with Luisa, right?"
Amy nodded. "Yeah."
"Good... remember that, because we could see it on Saturday, and I can promise you that she is in love with you too. The way she talks about you..." Naomi shook her head and grinned. "So, that's Luisa. Now, Sarah, you're in love with her?"
Amy shook her head. "It's more complex than that."
"Right. Because there's some behaviours there that it would be kind of hard to trust."
"Yeah. And she's married. With kids."
"But you're also determined to date people who aren't Luisa. You and Luisa have decided to be open."
Amy nodded. "Yes, I mean I think that makes sense, doesn't it?"
Naomi waggled her head from side-to-side. "Kind of... I mean, that's up to you guys. But you're open, yet you're freaking out about having slept with another woman you liked last night."
"That's right."
"Why?"
"How do you mean?"
"Why are you freaking out?"
"I... I don't know. I just am."
"Look, Amy. You're freaking out because you're acting like you're doing what you think other people want, rather than what you want.
" She paused. "So what if Sarah said please and looked like she needed you last night?
And... so what that it happened? From what I can see, all its done is show you how much you like Luisa. That's a good thing, right?"
"I guess."
"So... here's where I'm going to tell you to stop being an idiot. You want as much as anything in the world to be with Luisa today, right? Regardless of whatever you did last night... that's what you want? Last night has only made you certain of that?"
"Right."
“And Luisa is in Italy, right?”
“Right.”
“You can work from home tomorrow?”
“Yeah…”
“Then you can work from Italy. The person you say you’re falling in love with and want to get to know even better is less than two hours flight away rather than her normal twelve hours, probably feeling roughly as desperate to see you as you are her.
So go. You can get a flight this afternoon, be there tonight, and there’s a hotel room waiting for you.
Everything else, Sarah included, is secondary. Sarah can wait until next week.”
Amy grinned and leaned over to hug Naomi.
“What’s that for?” Naomi asked, laughing.
“For being a brilliant friend. Thank you.”
“All I’ve done is make you see the obvious. Get booking.”
***
Late that afternoon, as her plane climbed through the cloud and broke into the sunshine above, Amy’s bank balance was considerably lighter but her spirits soared.
It had been a mad few hours throwing her clothes and work items into a carry on case, getting the flight booked, just about remembering her passport, but she was sure she was doing the right thing.
Last night had made things complicated, but the desire to see Luisa, to somehow atone for it despite them being in their open relationship, was strong.
She wanted to be with Luisa, simply be there in her presence, and Naomi had been right: why sit in London when Luisa was only a couple of hours away?