CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE #3
He nodded and tossed his beer back.
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you found caring people. A family.”
He stared at me again, and I felt my cheeks reddening. I reached for another can so that I wouldn’t have to keep looking at him. Or to get drunk faster. Who knew? My heart started to pound as the words I’d wanted to tell him for a long time swam in my mind.
I cleared my throat. “I used to think a lot about where you were and what you were doing. I hoped you’d find happiness.
I wanted to apologize to you, you know? Before you came to my house.
I considered hiring an investigator to find you so I could apologize.
” I swung from the can. I was feeling the taste even less now.
He leaned closer, placing his arm on the back of the bench behind me. My stomach fluttered. “So why didn’t you?”
“I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid of you not forgiving me. Of chasing me away. Little did I know that not only you’d never forgive me but you’d also punish me.” A chuckle slipped over my lips.
“What’s so funny?”
God, why was it getting so hot? And why did his eyes shine so intently, looking at me like he was hanging on my every word?
“It doesn’t matter.”
He leaned even closer. “Come on. You’ve been talkative so far. Don’t stop now.”
I looked at his lips. They were so soft. Inviting.
I wanted to tell him. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that I’d laughed was because I felt like my punishment was deserved, and it could be one of the reasons I was letting him hurt me.
And I particularly couldn’t tell him the other reason was that I enjoyed his attention a little too much, even when it was bad.
I downed the can and let it slip from my hand to the ground. I was now positively buzzing. Or was I already drunk?
“You still didn’t tell me. How does your revenge end? Since I suppose you’re done with Aurora and Lana, I assume it’s coming soon.” I pouted. “Or do you plan to prolong it? Maybe make me fall for you and then break my heart?” Okaay. Why did I even say that just now?
He angled his head, his eyes hooding further. “Is that even an alternative?”
“What?”
“You falling in love with me.”
“It’s not,” I said quickly. Too quickly.
Something flashed in his eyes, and they widened. “You could have anyone you want. So how is it that you don’t already love someone?”
I gave him a cheeky look. “Who says I don’t?”
His expression darkened, and I could swear it registered jealousy. “Who is he?”
I sighed. I leaned my head back against his arm, my eyes closing on their own. “There’s no one. Relax. And you? Has any girl stolen your heart?” My chest ached at the thought of him being with someone else.
“No. I wasn’t exactly thinking about relationships with everything else on my mind.”
I opened my eyes, and my pulse quickened as I found him watching me, his face only inches from mine.
“What about Emily?”
“What about her?”
“She seems interested in you. Are you interested in her?”
His eyes pierced me, making my breath hitch. “No. She doesn’t mean anything to me.”
“Okay.” I gave it my all not to show relief on my face. “But will you?”
“Will I what?”
“Will you look for a girl to fall in love with once you’re done with me?” Happiness and love were the least he deserved after everything I’d put him through, but I didn’t want him with anyone else. I could admit that much to myself.
He looked at my lips, and I stopped breathing. “If the circumstances were different, the girl I loved would’ve been you.”
My heart squeezed.
I closed my eyes, yearning soaring inside me.
It was impossible to stop the images—us going through school hallways holding hands, going on dates, always smiling, using any chance we could to get our hands on each other.
We would’ve loved so fiercely, and we would’ve been each other’s world.
I would’ve been his forever. And he would’ve been forever mine.
Tears collected behind my eyelids, but I kept my eyes firmly shut, fighting them.
“And now we won’t ever be together,” I whispered, a tear managing to escape me.
“And now we won’t ever be together,” he whispered too, his breath hot on my skin.
I snapped my eyes open to see his face only inches away from mine, his hand on my waist. His eyes followed the path of my tear on my cheek, and it only coaxed more tears out of me, a shudder rippling through me.
He moved his hand up my waist and neck to palm the side of my face, his breath quickening. “Does it torment you? Does the memory of that day torment you like it torments me?”
My throat emitted a small sound. “Yes.”
“Prove it. Show me how much it tortures you.”
“What?”
“Cry more.”
I gasped, pain hammering into me. I looked aside, trying to hide my face from him, but he didn’t let me. He angled my face back toward him right as fresh tears gushed out of my eyes.
“Don’t hide your tears from me. Show me your pain and remorse. All of it.”
A heavy feeling filled up my chest, and more tears poured out of me, wracking my whole body. Guilt swept over me, and I drowned, losing myself in him and this pain ingrained in me ever since that day in the locker room.
He threaded his fingers through my hair, squeezing it. “Tell me you’re sorry.”
I sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I did.”
“Tell me again.”
“I’m sorry.”
A frown pinched his brows, and he looked down at my lips. “Again.”
“I’m sorry.”
He groaned. “Again.”
I pressed my hand against my heart, a sob tearing out of me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain. I’m sorry for scarring you. I’m sorry for everything.”
His fingers tightened in my hair. “Ah, fuck.” He clamped his mouth down on mine, forcing my lips apart.
His tongue plundered inside and found mine, and a punishing heat claimed all my nerves.
More tears slid down my cheeks, pain and desire mixing in an incongruous blend that only heightened my frenzied emotions.
His hands clasped my hips and lifted me, dropping me over his lap.
Pleasure zapped through me when my pussy landed right on his hard cock, and I pressed my hand against my mouth so I wouldn’t moan, looking around us frantically.
What the hell was he doing? We were hidden behind the ivy in almost complete darkness, and I couldn’t hear anyone outside, but that didn’t mean someone couldn’t find us.
“Zach . . . What—”
“I need more.” He jerked his hips up into me, his eyes rolling back from pleasure. “So much more.” He captured my mouth again and shoved my skirt up, his hand pushing inside my underwear to knead my ass. The tips of his fingers brushed over my pussy.
I broke the kiss with a gasp and drew away to look at him, catching his head with both of my hands. “You have to stop, Zach.”
“No,” he growled.
I searched around us again, desire and trepidation warring inside me. “You can’t do this here. Someone could see us.”
“And so what? We already established the possibility of getting caught turns you on. You want this as much as I do.” He pushed my panties aside and thrust his finger inside me.
“Oh my God.” I grabbed his shoulder and threw my head back, clamping my hand against my mouth to silence my moan.
He didn’t tell me to stop trying to keep quiet this time, but he didn’t let me move off his lap either.
He pressed his mouth to my neck and started pumping his finger in and out of my pussy, grinding the heel of his hand against my clit.
I arched against him, biting into my fist as another moan escaped me. I could feel him smile against my skin.
I started moving on my own, and he pulled away to watch me, letting me use him for pleasure.
My every thrust against his hand sent his fingers deeper into me, and I couldn’t stop.
His rapt gaze devoured me, getting darker, and I moved faster, chasing the pleasure that swept all over me, until it reached the bursting point.
I screamed, convulsing as I came all over his hand.
“Fuck.” He brought his hand to the back of my head and fused our mouths, kissing me even harder than before. No, he wasn’t kissing me—he was taking my everything—and I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to.
I shifted my mouth and left a line of kisses across his cheek, finally reaching his scar. I pressed my lips to it, and I heard a tortured moan coming out of him, his hand moving to grip my waist.
“Blair. You don’t have to kiss it. My scar is . . . disgusting.”
My heart ached for him. This man. This complicated, tormented man.
“No, it’s not. Your scar is beautiful.” I sprinkled kisses along it, moving farther down to his neck, and I almost cried out when he breathed out a sound full of need. I made sure I covered every inch of his scar, wanting to prove to him just how beautiful it was. How beautiful he was.
His breathing turned faster, his hips rolling against me as his hand kneaded my waist over and over, until I felt him not being able to hold back anymore.
He pushed me up so that I was on my knees above him and wasted no time shoving his jeans and underwear down.
“Are you on the pill?”
I nodded.
“I’m clean.”
“Me too.”
“Good.” He clutched my hip and thrust all the way in.
“Ahhh, Zach!”
He splayed his fingers around my neck and started pumping into me, using his other hand to push my shirt up and yank one cup of my bra down. His mouth wound around my nipple, and I tossed my head back on a silent scream, dissolving into pleasure.
“I wanted to fuck you here that day so badly. Right on this bench. You have no idea how many times I imagined it.” He rammed into me hard, and this time, I had to bite into his shoulder, unable to stop myself from screaming.
He groaned, his hips undulating against mine. “Yes. Just like that. Bite me more.”
My pussy clenched around him, my chest so full with desire. I left bites all over his shoulder, sensing him going wilder with each bite, and another scream tore out of me when he tilted my hips and drove even deeper into me. My teeth dug into his skin almost to the point of breaking it. He moaned.
“You love this, huh? You love when I’m in so deep?”
“Yes.”
“Was this what you imagined when you fucked all those other guys?” He grabbed my face and made me look at him. “Was this the face you wanted to see? Tell me.”
“Yes! Oh God.”
“This pussy is just mine. Got it? Just mine.” He began rocking his hips faster, and I lost myself more and more in pleasure. So lost I wasn’t able to tell where one began and the other ended. And then he hit a spot inside me, and my whole body went tight.
“I’m going to come, Zach. I’m going to—” I cried out, coming hard.
He hissed, and I felt him tensing. “Blair! Fuck!” He thrust once more and emptied himself inside me, coming to a stop.
I went limp against him, and for a moment, none of us moved, trapped in each other’s gaze. It was like time didn’t exist, and all that mattered was this moment between us. I tried to tell myself it was because of the alcohol, but that didn’t ring true. Not at all.
I moved off him, a pang hitting my chest as I turned away from him to reposition my underwear.
I didn’t want to look at him now. I couldn’t handle seeing hate and rejection in his expression after what we’d just done.
I couldn’t handle looking him in the face after I gave myself so willingly to him yet again.
So I didn’t.
“Thanks for the beer,” I said, keeping my voice casual. “It wasn’t that bad now that I think about it.”
He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t turn to see why.
“I’ll be going now. Good night.” My footsteps were quick and all too loud in the silence of the night as I left the gazebo, matching the beat of my racing heart.