Chapter 5 #2
My family, my wealth, my reputation, my entire life was built on how it should be, how I should be. That wouldn’t crumble with one wrong turn. I’d resumed course as quickly as possible. I’d left that exit in my rearview. Asher was just some kid playing a lark, and I was absolutely not gay.
“That bad?” William asked just behind my shoulder.
“Yes.” Yes, it was all shit, everything.
William clinked his glass against mine. “You go to the car auction this morning? Lose out on something you had your hopes on?” He grinned with the question.
“No. I didn’t go. Wasn’t feeling great.” The car collection was something of a side venture I’d done on my own. Though owned by the Dorset Family Trust, I considered it mine. However, today, I was not in the right frame of mind to grow that investment.
“It’s time we went out.”
I glared his way. Going out was usually some private club or nightclub. I wasn’t fond of either. I could drink better wine and spirits at home, and I didn’t have to pretend there.
“Maybe,” I said.
“Don’t act so excited.”
His charming grin worked into my brain, and I breathed slowly and deeply.
“Aren’t we too old for that?” I asked. The members-only clubs usually catered to an older crowd, one that could afford the fees, but with the sly expression spreading into his eyes, that wasn’t where he wanted to go.
William was the type of man I’d aspired to be years ago, before I became so jaded with the life my parents wanted for me. He was rich, nice-looking, and played right into their wills by acting the charming suitor to the women they threw at him, all while being the scoundrel in his own time.
I tried. I so fucking tried. The closest I could muster was drunk dancing with women in college.
Look at me, such a deviant.
That life would never have worked for me, though.
I lived vicariously through William and met Mother’s matchmaking with cool respect but a cold heart.
Women deserved to be loved as much as they were willing to love in return.
I never wanted to lead anyone on, making them think they could find a soulmate within me.
If they could tolerate me as equally as I tolerated them, perhaps I could marry as Mother wanted.
Obviously, that woman hadn’t been unearthed yet.
A man had, though. Funny, charming, sweet, lively, teasing, effortless in every gesture and smile, Asher drew me in, even as a woman, because he was that potent.
Jesus, make up your mind. Do I hate him or not?
“We might be, but my future mistress isn’t,” William said.
I was startled out of my thoughts. What had we been … Oh, the club.
“You really want to take on two women?” I asked and sipped from my lowball.
“At least.” William half turned, placing the room at his back. We’d had this discussion several times, but we’d been younger then. At an age when anything was possible. “Look at our parents.”
While he paused, I did just that. Mothers were on one side of the room, fathers on the other, with their children spread among them. The old generation and the new following the same tired traditions as the long-gone ones.
“You think they’re happy?”
I blinked. No, but perhaps united in misery?
“Marriage is a business deal. Simple as that. I don’t plan on cheating on my future wife.” When I lifted a brow, he went on. “It won’t be cheating because she’ll know up front. I don’t expect her to be faithful to me either.”
Could I do the same? Would I? Marry to appease my family, then keep someone on the side. Find happiness in a secret. Live an entire clandestine life.
“Sounds like a lot of work,” I said out loud, but more to myself.
William shrugged and faced the room once more. “Could be worth it.”
I sighed and poured another round. “Don’t think I share the sentiment. I’ve grown too fond of my solitary life. If anything, I’d keep a separate apartment just to get away from my wife, but not to run into the arms of another.”
“Damn. You’ve got the libido of a dead man.”
I snorted into my glass. “Perhaps.”
He slung an arm over my shoulders. “And because of it, you’re the best wingman ever. Come to the club with me. If nothing else, help me get laid.”
“You don’t need help.” I pushed his arm off.
“Fine. Make me say it, why don’t you. I just want to hang out with my best friend.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s more fun when you’re around.”
I lowered my brows and pursed my mouth. Me? Fun?
“Fuck, you’re in a mood.” William scanned the room, then pointed with his glass and nodded his head. “I get it. Georgina, huh? She’d be a quiet mouse for you.”
“Or you.”
“Nah. She wouldn’t be the type to understand the arrangement I plan on making. Then I’d feel bad about it. Then it’d feel like cheating for sure.”
At least he had a moral compass, even if it didn’t point north.
Ah, fuck. I shouldn’t cast shame. That would be Mother’s doing. My best friend was a grown man and, by the sounds of it, had his mental shit together more than I.
The rest of the evening passed as it always did. I played my part while others did the same. The game was disgusting, but I wouldn’t embarrass my family. When the first guests left, I said my goodbyes and took my leave shortly after them.
Home was on the top floor of a building full of luxury condos. I had a view of the city and amenities one would find at a five-star hotel. Would it be home forever? I hoped not. I preferred seclusion, privacy, not a doorman who knew my every move.
Monday came all too soon. I’d still not forgotten Saturday night, or the kiss, or the man who had enchanted me for hours.
How had I not known?
Dozens of questions had assaulted me over and over without answers since I walked away from him. Had he been that convincing as a woman, or had I been so desperate to hide myself that I hadn’t cared? Could I find the strength to bury the closet door again, or did I dare peek through the crack?
I’d kissed a man.
A man with hard planes and soft lips. A man who’d flexed his deceptive strength when he pushed me off. Was he queer as well? Had it been a joke? A prank? A bet he lost?
No matter how wrong it was to give in, to allow myself these quandaries, these fantasies, they intruded, and clarity finally struck.
Asher had enchanted me. It hadn’t been the other way around. I hadn’t played my role, the man, the one to pursue, the one to lead my date through conversation, warming her to my presence, putting her at ease. No. This time, for the first time, someone had done that for me.
And I wanted it again.
I wiped a hand over my face and slumped in my chair.
God, help me, but I craved it. Now that I’d had a taste, I wasn’t so sure I could forget this hunger.