Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Chesney
Istand in the doorway, holding a cup of coffee, and stare at the mountain of boxes piled high around the room. This place is such a fucking disaster, to the point I’m beginning to wonder if it reproduces paperwork when nobody is around.
With all the work I’ve done on the cabins recently, I’ve been able to avoid the office.
But as we get closer to opening the dude ranch, I can’t keep avoiding it.
I’ll be handling reservations and the financial side of the business, so this’ll be where I spend most of my time once everything is up and running.
Walking farther into the room, I set the mug down on the desk and look around again, trying to come up with a plausible game plan for today. This is the last place I want to be, especially since this is now the second Saturday I’ll be spending here. I’m not happy about it, but it has to get done.
“Good morning,” Jasper greets as he walks around the other side of the desk.
“Oh, yeah. Such a good morning,” I mutter.
Jasper glances up from where he’s flipping through folders on the desk. “I see we’re already in a spectacular mood.”
Ignoring him, I say, “Let’s just get this over with. Where do you wanna start?”
He gestures toward the back wall. “Over there, I guess.”
As we get closer, I’m realizing the room goes farther back than I realized, meaning there’re way more boxes than it looks like from the front of the room. Lovely.
“This is ridiculous,” I grumble. “There’s no way all of this came from one ranch.”
Jasper chuckles behind me. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you, because it did.”
“I still don’t understand how this is my fucking problem.”
“Yeah, well, me neither. But we’re here, so may as well make the most of it instead of acting like a pissed-off teenager with a chip on his shoulder.”
Clenching my jaw, I turn toward Jasper. “Make the most out of it? Sure. Should I bring the sparkling wine and charcuterie, or do you want to? Maybe we can also sit around and gossip while going through all this shit too. How’s that sound?”
Jasper’s mouth twitches. He looks entirely too pleased with himself, and it’s becoming a problem.
What the hell am I talking about? Everything about Jasper Smith is a fucking problem.
Or maybe it’s me that’s the problem since I can’t seem to get him out of my head.
Which is exactly why this new arrangement we’ll be settling into once the dude ranch opens should help.
Me focusing on that while he sticks with the ranch will eliminate situations like this.
Being back in town is bad enough; I can’t keep almost giving in to temptations that should’ve been buried long ago.
Otherwise, there’s no chance I’ll survive the rest of this year.
The separate responsibilities will allow things to remain professional and safe.
Out of sight, out of mind. At least, that’s the hope. Distance.
No more late nights painting cabins.
No more accidental collisions.
No more moments when we stand too close and I forget how to breathe.
The memory flashes through my mind without my consent.
Something it’s done a hell of a lot in the last week.
Jasper’s hand on my shoulder. Mine on his hips.
The way he looked at me. And the way, for one terrifying second, I’d forgotten every reason it couldn’t happen.
And fuck, I really wanted to kiss him. Things never should’ve gotten that far.
Not when the last time I let myself want him this badly…
My chest tightens to the point of discomfort as I shove the thought away before it has time to fully form. I can’t go there. I just can’t.
Some memories are better left alone, and this is one of them.
Jasper and I each pick a box, then sit on the floor as we go through them.
I already know I’m going to be hurting tomorrow.
I’m not young anymore; I can’t sit crisscross and get away with it.
Getting older sucks, especially after hitting thirty.
The random aches and pains, the way you can breathe wrong and tweak something in your back for a week, and don’t even get me started on the snap-crackle-pop of your knees.
We’re able to get through a handful of boxes with minimal conversation over the next hour. Thankfully, a lot of it is trash, which makes working through them a lot quicker. I’m about to pour my third cup of coffee when an idea forms.
“Jasper,” I call out, not bothering to glance over my shoulder at him.
“Hm?”
“Got anything stronger?”
If I have any chance of making it through today with my sanity still intact, I’m going to need a drink. A hard one.
There’s a pause. “Is there only decaf left?”
Huffing a breath through my nose, I finally look at him and say, “No. Got any liquor in here?”
His grin appears immediately before he walks over to the desk and opens the bottom drawer. Pulling out a brand-new bottle of bourbon, he says, “Now you’re talking.”
Two hours later, we’re both slightly drunk, and I stand by my suggestion.
This hasn’t only made sifting through these old boxes easier, it’s made dealing with my racing thoughts about Jasper more manageable.
My nerves are a little less shot. Not by much, though, because there hasn’t been a single moment of silence since we started drinking.
Jasper comments on everything he finds. And I mean everything.
He also turned on the music a little while ago and proceeded to sing along to every song. I hate how adorable I find it.
The half-empty bottle of bourbon sits between us on the desk. We migrated over here about thirty minutes ago when we finally cleared off the other office chair. The room looks significantly better now. One wall is visible, and we’re currently working on unveiling a second one.
“What about this?” I ask, tossing another folder in front of Jasper.
He glances over. “Tax records.”
“So, burn pile, then?”
A laugh escapes him as he meets my gaze. “You can’t burn tax records.”
“Well, not with that attitude.” My smile sneaks up on me. I don’t even realize I’m doing it at first; that’s how easy and natural it feels.
Jasper’s gaze dips down for half a second before coming back up. “You smilin’ at me, Jennings?”
Knew that was coming.
“Don’t ruin it,” I drawl, tossing another folder onto the keep pile.
He smiles sweetly, looking more than a little pleased with himself. “Too late.” Bastard.
Once I finish with the box I’m working on, I grab another, wanting to keep the momentum going. As soon as I open it, dust explodes everywhere. It gets up my nose, and before I know it, I’m coughing uncontrollably.
“Holy shit,” I gasp.
Jasper’s watching me with wide eyes and his mouth agape. “Oh my god,” he says with a chuckle. “You okay over there?”
My eyes are watering so bad, I can hardly see. “Fuck off.”
That only makes him laugh harder. “Should I call an ambulance? You gonna make it?”
I flip him off.
“I can see it now…” He continues. “Your tombstone will read ‘Death by Dust Bunnies.’”
“Hilarious,” I deadpan, finally catching my breath.
“You’re right. I am.” Jasper’s practically beaming now.
I throw a folder at him…and miss. It crashes into a filing cabinet instead.
“Wow,” he muses with a clap. “Good arm.”
“Shut up.” I scowl, but it’s weak. A moment later, I laugh before I can stop myself, and Jasper follows right behind. By the time I pull myself together, my eyes are wet for a whole new reason, and my stomach muscles ache.
Fuck, I needed that.
Around noon, we break for lunch before getting back to it. We’ve made really good progress, but we still have a ways to go. We’re going to be here all day.
“Look at this.” Jasper hands me an old, faded, black-and-white photograph that’s seen better days.
Our fingers brush when I take it from him, and I do my best to ignore the way it tingles. The photo isn’t in the greatest condition, so it’s hard to make out what I’m looking at, at first. Then it clicks.
“Holy shit. Is that…”
“My grandpa standing beside yours? Yup.”
“Wow. This was taken here,” I say, flipping it over to see if there’s a date scrawled on the back. There isn’t. “They look so young.”
“I know. Couldn’t be more than twenty-five, I’m guessing.”
The two fresh-faced men are standing in front of the archway that still sits at the entrance to the property. Clyde has his arm around my grandpa, and they’re both wearing huge grins.
“You think that’s your dad?” I ask, pointing to the little boy wearing nothing but a pair of underwear and boots and a hat that are all way too big for him, standing off to the side behind Clyde.
Jasper leans over the desk to get a better look. My throat tightens at the new proximity. “Maybe.” He shrugs. “Kind of looks like it.”
“This must’ve been taken right after they opened the ranch.”
We both study the picture, neither of us saying anything for a moment.
“It’s crazy seeing them together like this,” he says, sitting back in his chair. I let out a relieved sigh at the much-needed space between us now. “Like, I know they used to be best friends; I know they opened this place together, but seeing it is… Wow.”
“I know. Sometimes I forget the two properties used to be one.”
“Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like?” Jasper asks softly, tossing the photograph back in the box. “Them working together instead of hating each other? And how things would be now if it’d stayed that way?”
“Yeah,” I reply honestly. “I mean, of course I have. I think our lives would look much different today.”
“Do you think we still would’ve become friends?”
The question takes me by surprise, both that he’s asking it and how it makes me feel thinking about it. I shrug. “Probably. If our grandpas continued to run this together, then passed it down to our dads, I don’t see why we wouldn’t become friends. We’d be around each other all the time, I’m sure.”
Jasper’s quiet for a moment. “You don’t think half the thrill was the secret?”
“No, not at all. Having to keep it a secret was my least favorite part of all of it. Wait— Is that how you feel?”
He shakes his head. “No, I don’t. But I’ve always wondered if that was it for you.”
“Why?”
Swallowing thickly, he meets my gaze for half a second before looking at the desk. “I don’t know. Just with how quickly you shut me out after…you know. It felt like maybe, since it wasn’t fun for you anymore, you wanted no part in it.”
A deep pain hits me in the chest at the mention of that night.
It takes no time at all for my heart to beat erratically and for the air to feel too thin to breathe in.
It’s staggering, the amount of old, buried emotion that crashes into me.
Despite not wanting to, I’m suddenly transported back in time to the night that changed the trajectory of my life.
Sneaking away from the property. Knowing it wasn’t a good idea, but doing it anyway.
The rush… The feelings, so new and confusing and exhilarating.
The high I felt going home later. I remember feeling like, for the first time, everything made sense.
Like everything would be okay and work out the way it should.
The way I wanted. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything took a turn.
I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows before I could even make sense of what was happening.
“Jasper, it had nothing to do with not being fun anymore.” My voice shakes. I hate it. “I was living in a nightmare. I had to leave to save my own life.”
His throat dips, and there’s something familiar in his eyes. Something I’ve seen before. “I know that. It’s just—”
“Can we not do this right now?” I cut in. “Please? I’d like to get through all this shit tonight so we don’t have to do it again, and talking about…that…won’t get us there. So, please. Stop.”
Grabbing the bottle from the desk, I take a large swig, desperately needing it to calm my nerves. We’ve done so well today, and I can’t nosedive now. Not before we’re finished in here.
He clenches his jaw, pressing his lips together in a tight line as he nods. “Yeah. Sure. Sorry.”
I don’t know how I do it, but thankfully, I’m able to put all those memories back into a tight little box in my mind and lock it for the time being.
We continue working through boxes after that, but with a lot less conversation.
No matter how hard I try to avoid it, being around Jasper seems to always end with me revisiting pieces of my life I swore I left behind.
And even though I’d never admit it, I think part of me likes that.
I think part of me wants to go back there with Jasper, just to feel one single iota of how I felt before part of my heart was ripped from my chest.
I miss it.
I miss him.
And, most of all, I miss who I was with him. Back when life was a whole lot simpler.