Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jasper
Ispot Magnolia the second she strolls into the coffee shop.
She’s impossible to miss in her white sundress with strawberries all over and her bright, infectious smile.
It’s nine-thirty on a Sunday morning, and we’re at our favorite place to grab coffee on Main Street.
We’ve been meeting here or at my place every Sunday since we were old enough to drive ourselves into town.
Except lately, there haven’t been a whole lot of these Sunday friend dates.
Things at the ranch have been relentless.
Between Chesney being there every single weekday morning, the dude ranch slowly coming to fruition, and a busy breeding season, I haven’t had a chance to breathe, much less keep up with commitments that aren’t ranch related.
But I needed to make time for this. I needed my best friend today. My head’s all over the place.
Waving Magnolia over, I take a sip from my coffee mug.
It’s almost a little too hot to drink, but that’s when it tastes the best so I don’t mind.
As she crosses the room toward our favorite spot near the back window, she’s watching me with an expression I can’t place, almost like she’s studying me, and when she reaches our table, she slides onto the seat across from me, her eyes never leaving mine.
Before I have a chance to say hi, her eyebrows lift, like she’s made some grand realization, and she swats my arm. “Oh my gosh. You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
I nearly choke on my coffee. “What? Why would you think that?”
“You totally did!”
“Well, good morning to you too,” I murmur before taking another drink, hoping to pivot the conversation.
“Don’t ‘good morning’ me, Jasper Theordore Smith.”
My brows pinch, and I breathe out a laugh. “That’s not even my middle name.”
“And that’s not even the point.” Magnolia points at me, lowering her voice. “Admit it.”
I shrug. “Not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, bullshit.” She chuckles. “You look like a man who made a very bad decision and is currently trying to convince yourself it was a good one.”
In all the years Magnolia and I have known each other, we’ve gotten pretty good at reading each other. When one of us is upset or stressed or anxious, the other can feel it before it’s ever spoken aloud. So, while I’d like to say I’m surprised she guessed that so quickly, I’m really not.
When I came here this morning, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to tell her about what happened with Chesney. It was intense, and hot, and really fucking confusing. It’s been two days, and I still don’t know how I feel about it.
But clearly, it’s written all over my face like a scarlet letter.
“Okay, yes,” I say slowly, keeping my voice quiet. The last thing I need is for the town gossips to do their thing and have it make its way back to Chesney. Not that he ever gets out and interacts with anyone, but still. “But I’m sure it was just a one-time thing. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?” Magnolia leans forward, eyes wide.
“I’ve known you since we were kids. I watched you spend half your teenage years sneaking around with Chesney Jennings.
I watched you come home after he broke your heart.
I watched you spend years pretending you didn’t care about him.
” She pauses, taking me in. “And now you’re sitting across from me looking like you haven’t slept.
I’d definitely say that constitutes as somewhat of a big deal. ”
I look down at my coffee. The steam has mostly disappeared, but the mug is still keeping my hands warm. My chest is tight, and I don’t know if it’s with regret or confusion or disappointment in myself. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Her expression shifts to something more serious as she reaches across the table and covers my hand with hers. “Okay. Tell me what happened.”
Staring at our hands, I swallow against the bolder in my throat. “I hooked up with Chesney.”
“Well, I already knew that much.”
I click my tongue against the back of my teeth and give her a look. “Such overwhelming support.”
“Sorry. No more teasing. When did it happen?”
“Two nights ago.”
Magnolia squeezes my fingers, a warm smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “How are you feeling about it?”
Thinking about it for a moment, I heave a sigh. “Good. Really good.” The words come too easily. I swallow thickly, then add, “And that’s what’s really freaking me out.”
“Why?”
There isn’t an ounce of judgement looking back at me. That’s something I’ve always appreciated about Magnolia.
“Because I know what happens when I let myself get too close to him.”
Understanding passes through her eyes because she knows exactly what I mean. “He broke your heart, and you’re afraid you’re setting yourself up for that again.”
I nod, staring down at the table. “It’s just… I don’t know. There’s so much history there. So many good memories—way more good than bad. But the bad ones—”
“Stay with you longer,” she finishes for me.
“Exactly. It’s hard not to remember how obliterated I felt that night.
” I stare through the window at the passing cars, the memory coming back to me whether I want it to or not.
Chesney standing in his yard. The excruciating look on his face as he told me he never wanted to see me again.
I still remember exactly how it felt. Like somebody reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. “I loved him.”
Magnolia’s gaze softens. “I know.”
“I loved him so much.”
“I know.” She squeezes my hand again.
“And then he told me he regretted everything. Every kiss, every secret, every first.” My throat tightens. “He made me believe I was special, that I meant something to him. Then turned around and took it all back.”
“Well, I think it’s important to remember that you were sixteen. You were just a kid, Jas. And you’re not that same boy anymore.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“No.” Her voice is gentle. “It doesn’t.”
Glancing up, I meet her gaze. “Now he’s back, and I don’t know how to protect myself.”
Magnolia studies me for a long moment. “Maybe you don’t have to.”
My eyebrows pinch. “What?”
“You’ve spent your entire life trying to protect yourself from him.”
“I don’t think that’s necessarily true.”
“It is.” She leans back before continuing.
“From the start, you knew any kind of relationship with him was off-limits. You knew your family wouldn’t approve; you knew his wouldn’t either.
You fought your feelings until you couldn’t anymore, then beat yourself up for having them.
Then, when he moved away, you built walls, forced yourself to move on, made a life for yourself that felt safe.
You convinced yourself you didn’t need him. ”
I don’t argue. Everything she’s saying is true.
“Then he shows up again and suddenly you’re sixteen all over.”
“I’m not sixteen,” I scoff.
She breathes out a small laugh. “Exactly. You’re thirty-something and significantly more capable of making your own decisions.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t get hurt,” I say meekly.
“No. But it does mean you’re not a scared kid anymore.” Magnolia takes a sip of coffee as the words settle in my chest. “You can love him and still protect yourself.”
“I don’t love him.” The words taste wrong on my tongue, but the alternative feels impossible.
“Well, whatever.” She rolls her eyes playfully. “Doesn’t change my point. You can have feelings for him and still protect yourself.”
I’m quiet for a moment. My stomach is in knots, and my pulse is thrumming out of control. “I don’t think I know how,” I admit.
“Then don’t make promises you aren’t ready to make.” She shrugs, like it’s so simple. “Take it one day at a time.”
I laugh. “You make it sound so easy.”
“What does Chesney say about it?”
My heart catapults into my ribs. “Well…”
“Jasper. Do not tell me you haven’t talked about it.”
“It just happened!”
“Yeah, two freaking days ago!” Magnolia shakes her head and chuckles. “Jasper, you have to talk to him about it. This isn’t exactly something you two can just brush under the rug. You see him every day.”
“To be fair,” I say, holding my hands up in front of me, “there hasn’t been an opportunity to yet. Apparently, yesterday morning he went back home for a few days.”
Her gaze hardens. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Magnolia normally isn’t one to swear, but when her protective side shows up, there’s no telling what’ll come out of her mouth.
I nod, remembering the pit in the stomach that formed when I saw the extremely vague text from Chesney. Later, I ran into Truett and he told me about his brothers little impromptu trip.
“What a fucking coward,” she mutters with disgust. “And let me guess. He left without telling you, didn’t he?”
“Well, he texted that he wouldn’t be at the ranch, but—”
Magnolia scoffs and slaps her hand on the table. “Asshole!”
“But he doesn’t really owe me any sort of explanation,” I finish. “And for all I know, these plans were already made before we had sex.”
“Oh, please,” she grumbles, rolling her eyes. “It is basic, common decency, if you stick your penis inside someone, let them know if you plan to disappear afterward.”
A laugh escapes me before I can stop it.
“I take it all back.” She throws her hands up dramatically. “Never have sex with him again. His dick can’t be that spectacular.”
I wince, but say nothing because, unfortunately, it really is that spectacular.
“In fact, never even look at him again. What a piece of work.”
“Uh, I think you’re forgetting we have to work with each other.”
“Fire his ass. Be done with him.”
I snort. “What happened to, ‘you can have feelings for him and still protect yourself’?”
“Bad advice.” She shrugs, but I don’t miss the smile trying to break through. “Don’t listen to me.”
Neither of us says anything for a minute.
Eventually, Magnolia kicks me under the table, and I can’t help but smile.
“I really like having him back in town.”
Her expression softens. “I know you do.”
“Even though I shouldn’t, I missed him.” I swallow. “A lot.”
“Of course you did. Maybe that’s the part you should pay attention to.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe don’t focus on the sex or even what happened in the past. Focus on how you’re feeling now…
about everything. Not just when he makes you smile, or when he kisses you.
Focus on how you feel in situations like this, when he’s done something kind of shitty, while also allowing yourself to feel however you do with all the other stuff. ”
She takes my hand again, and I meet her eyes.
“Nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, Jasper.
That’s something you have to decide for yourself.
You don’t have to figure it all out today, and you don’t need to pretend it means nothing.
But you do need to have a conversation with Chesney.
Whether you believe it or not, he at least owes you that much.
You deserve respect and communication, even if in the end, you decide it really was just a one-time thing.
You can’t run from this. And neither should he. ”
My stomach twists as I take in everything she’s saying.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified about what might come from that night.
For all I know, he’s back home, already regretting the whole thing, and when he comes back, all the progress we’ve made will be gone.
As much as I really, really enjoyed the other night and would love for it to happen again, I don’t want to lose the friendship we’ve regained.
The idea of things going back to how they were when he first got here kills me.
Magnolia’s right. Chesney and I need to have a conversation.
He doesn’t get to run this time.