21. Victor
Victor
Istand just outside of the coffee shop, pacing back and forth out of sight of the window.
I don’t know if he’s in there or not, but I’m scared as shit to find out.
I’m early. About ten minutes to be exact.
Bile rises in my throat and I’m afraid I’m going to throw up, but I need to get through this.
I’m going to lay everything out on the table and hope that it ends in my favor.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes and blow it out. I count to five, open my eyes, and head inside. When I look around the coffee shop, I don’t see Jake at first.
Then I hear him. “Victor.”
I turn my head toward his voice and see that he’s sitting off to the side in a corner that’s not crowded, giving us the space we need to talk. There’s a semi-circular couch with a small table with two coffees sitting on top of it. It’s cozy. Intimate even.
My feet start moving, one in front of the other, weaving my way through the tables until I stop in front of him.
Do I hug him? Shake his hand? Why the hell is this so hard?
Jake must feel the same way because he stands and we both do this awkward step, start to reach out then stop before finally sitting down, our bodies angled toward each other.
“Hey Jake, you look good.” He does. He has a five o’clock shadow but it makes him look even more rugged.
“You do too. Your hair looks wet,” he says, prompting me to lift my hand and run my fingers through my blond locks. Yeah, guess I have. The waves are even in full effect today. “How’s your sister?”
Okay, seems like we’re going to have an awkward conversation first before delving into why we’re here.
“She’s good. Had the baby this morning. We weren’t even expecting it. They had her scheduled to be induced next week.” I take out my phone and show him one of the pictures I’d taken of her. “Her name’s Miracle.”
He leans in to me, the spicy scent of his cologne wrapping around me. “She’s adorable.”
“She really is.”
“Guess that’s why you didn’t answer right away. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to.”
I’m taken aback by his words. Is he pissed that I didn’t answer?
“Well you did tell me you didn’t want to see me again.
Even blocked me when I tried to explain myself to you.
Didn’t really expect to hear from you.” I catch myself, calming my voice as I hear anger start to entangle itself in my speech.
He rubs the back of his neck with his hand as he bites his lip. His eyes drop to the table as if he can’t look me in the eye.
“Yeah, I did say and do that. That day was hard for me,” he sighs heavily, and I wring my hands together.
Fuck I wish I had a fidget or something.
I’m going to need it to get through my story.
“Finding out that it was you, and trying to process everything, was too much for me, and I reacted the only way I knew how. But I’m ready now to really listen to you. ”
“I get that. I regret not telling you the truth. But I want you to know the day I met you in the café, I had no clue you were there. It was really a chance encounter. Fate. But I wasn’t following you. I literally went in to get some coffee, and then I saw you.”
“That was something I was worried about.”
“When you didn’t recognize me when I said hello, I saw it as a sign. A fresh start.”
“Where would I know you from?”
“So, I used to live in a different apartment. One night I woke up to our building being on fire. You rescued me.”
He nods his head, but he doesn’t interrupt; I appreciate that, so I keep going.
“Yeah, but the strange part is you shouldn’t have had to save me. I was out of the building, safe from danger.”
Jake’s eyebrow raises, clearly confused.
“Victor, you’ve lost me.”
“See, I made it out of the building, even helped the single mother across the hall with her two children to get out. But the oldest girl was having a meltdown because she couldn’t find her pet cat.
She said he was still inside the building.
The crying, umm, got to me. So I ran back inside to find it. ”
Jake leans forward, fire in his eyes. “Why in the hell did you do something so stupid? You don’t have the proper gear, or training to deal with fires.”
“I couldn’t take her crying, knowing that I could help her. Stupid, but I’d do it again, Jake, in a heartbeat. If it were the same situation and that little girl were Miracle, I’d do it without a second thought.”
I clear my throat, rubbing my hands along my jean covered thighs.
“So you went back in but didn't make it out is what I’m taking from what you’re saying. I’m sorry but no, I don’t remember. I tend to remember the ones that don’t end well.” His voice softens as he speaks, and I get it. Those have to be the ones that stick with you.
“Yeah, I got trapped, and the smoke got too much with he fire closing in. I thought I was a goner. I almost was, then you appeared. I saw your name, then later found out which firehouse you were at. I truly just wanted to thank you. But then I saw you without all the gear, and well, instant attraction.” I worry my lip.
“Found the cat though, and the little fucker ran out of the building. I ran into the mom a week later; she said he was okay, and her daughter drew me a picture. Called me her savior.”
“So why all the gifts for all those months? Why not just come to me and say thank you? How did you know so much about me? You said you weren’t following me the day you met me, but did you on other days?”
Fuck this is the hard part. I don’t really have an answer. Not a logical one, anyway. I pick up the coffee and take a sip. It’s warm, teetering toward the side of cold. He must’ve been here a while before I got here, or time is moving quicker than I think.
“I wish I had a better answer for you, Jake. One that would help make this all not seem so creepy. But I didn’t know what to say.
Initially, it was just going to be a gift, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
I did follow you. Never to your house. I’d waited for you to get off work and followed you to Fifi’s one day.
I befriended her and told her my story of how you saved me.
She gave me some of your favorite things and kind of became my wingwoman. ”
He sits there for a minute. Not speaking, just looking down at his hands as his knee bounces up and down. I don’t know what to do. Should I continue?
“Jake, I swear I didn’t know it was bothering you. It didn’t occur to me that it was unwanted until the day you told me. I never sent anything after that. There was a delivery that was already scheduled and paid for, but I never sent anything else.”
“Why not tell me then that it was you?”
“Because you were interested in me the same as I was with you. This was my chance to be with the man who held so much of my heart. But you were so angry, I thought if I told you that you’d never want to see me again. I guess I was right, because look what happened when you found out.”
“I felt betrayed. You knew how I felt about the person sending those gifts. About getting gifts in general, and you said nothing. You kept this huge secret from me. I was ready to tell you I love you.”
I gulp. Love. He loves me.
“I love you too, Jake. I truly didn't mean any harm. It was a silly obsession at first, then I met you and got to know the real you. I honestly didn’t know how much my gifts bothered you. Fifi never mentioned you not wanting them, or refusing to accept. I thought you appreciated them.” I pause and take a breath.
“Then when we talked and you told me they bothered you.”
‘You what? Decided to keep it a secret from me”
“Yes and no.”
“It can’t be both,” he bites back.
“When you flirted back with me that day I thought it was meant to be. That fire happened for me to meet you. I stopped because I knew you didn’t want them and I didn’t tell you because I knew your reaction to the news would cause pain.
I love you Jake and when I think about my future I see you there with me. ”
I scoot closer to him, our knees brushing against each other. Reaching out I take his hand in mine, rubbing the pad of my thumb over the top of it. He doesn’t pull away, and a sliver of hope etches its way in.
“Can you forgive me? Can we go back to what we were and move forward?”
He doesn’t say anything, his head lifting slowly until his eyes are locked on mine. He doesn’t speak, his face expressionless. His eyes shift around the room, never lingering anywhere long before they fall back on me.
“You broke my trust in a huge way. I’m not sure if I can move past it. Today I needed some type of closure. I need time to think about what you said.”
He needs time to think. That tells me all I need to know. My actions, though not intended to be hurtful, were. I let go of his hand and stand.
“Thank you for listening to me. For hearing what I had to say. I love you, Jake, but losing you was hard. I can’t go through this void of not knowing again. If it’s not there for you to move forward with me, I understand.”
And then I walk away, my feet heading right to the door. Away from the man I love and whose heart I broke.