Chapter 19 #2
As per my instructions, I knocked softly on the door. My pulse was pounding, my palms sweating. It all hinged on this—getting her to listen to me rather than shut me out.
The knob turned, the door swung open, revealing a small apartment with a terrific view through the windows opposite where I stood.
It was the view of Claudia’s wide eyes and pale face that meant more, even when she grimaced. “Motherfucker,” she whispered. Her head snapped around so she could glare at Hadley. “You traitor.”
“How am I being a traitor by inviting someone to my apartment, where I pay the rent?” she countered, closing her bathrobe around herself.
I stepped into the living room, unable to tear my eyes away from the woman in front of me. I had to make up for lost time, soaking in the sight of her. “Hi,” I offered, accepting how she scoffed softly, staring at the floor.
“I’m going back to bed,” Hadley announced, yawning loudly. “Try to keep it down out here.”
“We are going to talk about this tomorrow,” Claudia warned.
“It is tomorrow,” Hadley reminded her, blowing a kiss and leaving the room. I waited until her door closed to turn to Claudia, drinking in the sight of her, savoring the smell of the air when she was this near. She changed everything, made it better. No way was I leaving here without her.
“I have nothing to say to you.” Her voice shook but not half as hard as her body. I’d done that. I am the reason she’s hurting. “Do you think this is going to change anything?”
“I’m hoping it will. I fucked up.”
“No shit. You hurt me. You treated me like I was nothing, and I’m supposed to want to look at you?” She turned away, walking to the window where the city lights cast her in a silhouette. Every golden strand of hair shone, stirring a yearning deep in my heart. I needed to touch her. I needed her.
“I will never forgive myself.”
“Well. That makes everything better, doesn’t it?” she spat. “I’m glad I helped you grow or something.”
I refused to give up. I had to believe she still felt something. “Would you please hear me out?” I whispered, keenly aware of Hadley being mere feet away. Something told me she hadn’t actually gone to sleep. More likely, she was waiting by her door, listening like any best friend would.
“You came all this way,” Claudia muttered, lifting a shoulder with her back still turned toward me. “Say what you came to say. But don’t expect it to get you anywhere.”
I’d had hours to think about this. Now, at the moment, my tongue was thick and clumsy, my thoughts flying in all directions. There was only one thing I could say to sum up everything in my heart. “I love you.”
She flinched, wrapping her arms tighter around her trembling, pajama-clad body. If only she would turn around. If I could see her face and she mine, she would know I meant it. “Is that all?” she whispered.
“What else is there? I was wrong. I was stupid. I didn’t give you a chance, and it was the biggest… worst mistake I’ve ever made. You deserve better than that. And I am so desperately sorry.”
She took a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling.
“I accept that. I accept your apology. I said things I shouldn’t have said too.
It was mean. I wasn’t thinking about anything but wanting to get back at you because you…
” Something suspiciously close to a strangled sob burst out of her.
“You broke my heart. You wouldn’t give me a chance to tell you I never wanted to leave.
I knew it for sure that night. Everything was so clear.
I’ve never had anything with anyone like I had with you. I never felt so alive. Connected.”
Forcing a shaky breath, she concluded, “And then, after everything we shared, you turned around and shut the door in my face all because you wouldn’t bother to ask what I was thinking.”
The truth of her words reverberated in me. I deserved all of it and more. “I don’t know what to say except to tell you I’m a hopeless asshole. I was too proud to admit the idea of losing you was unthinkable.”
When she began to turn toward me, my heart almost burst out of my chest. If she would look at me, it meant she cared. I hadn’t lost her. There was still something inside her that wanted me. “How could you hurt me like that? That’s what I don’t understand.”
“I’ll be damned if I know.” I held my head in my hands like that would do anything to keep my skull from splitting open as I fought to express everything. “I swear, I will do everything in my power, every day for the rest of my life, to make it up to you. I only need you to give me the chance.”
“What about work? You realize the Michelin Star doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to, or you would if you had given me the chance to tell you,” she added.
“I don’t want you to give up on that dream or on any dream that fulfills you.
Whatever you want, I want. If it makes you happy, it makes me happy.
” She scoffed, turning away, shaking her head.
“Claudia, the night of the fire, when I thought I lost you, everything became crystal clear. None of this matters without you. I don’t want any of it if I can’t have you beside me…
every day, working together toward our vision.
Yours and mine. That’s all I want, but I need you. ”
The profound truth behind those words hit me like a truck.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, that I was sinking to my knees like some lovesick asshole.
“I need you,” I whispered, my entire heart in the words.
“I need you like I need air. These days without you… nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. You brought the missing ingredient to my life, and I can’t go without it now. ”
She ran a hand over her eyes, sniffling. “Missing ingredient? Come on. That’s a little corny, don’t you think?” There was laughter in her words, gentleness. The sharp edges were smoothed out.
“Since when does that matter when you’re in love? What, you think I hop on a private jet every other day and fly across the country for fun? Do you think I get on my knees for anyone but you?”
She was crumbling. I felt it. I saw it. Still, she held herself back. “How do I know it won’t happen again?”
“You know it won’t happen again because I don’t make the same mistakes twice. That much I can promise you with all my heart. I know now the misery of being without you, and I will not go back to that. You can’t make me,” I insisted.
“So you swear to me.” She took one step closer, then another. “You will not do this again.”
My heart lodged itself in my throat. “I swear on everything I have. Everything I am or will ever be, I will not do that again. I will always listen to you.”
She chewed her lip, then released a shaky breath while I held mine. “You drive a hard bargain, Sebastian. But I guess I don’t want to live without you, either.”
Then she chuckled, shrugging. “I’m not as eloquent as you, I guess.”
Who needed eloquence when I had her? When I could stand and gather her in my arms, holding her close to me, shaking with relief. She was mine. She would always be mine. “I love you,” I whispered, kissing her forehead, nose, and cheeks before landing on her upturned mouth.
Yes, this was what I needed.
This was what I had missed so badly.
Sharing breath with her, feeling her heartbeat against mine, holding the entire world in my arms. This was all that mattered. Everything else would sort itself out as long as I had this to come back to.
“I love you,” she whispered once I let her up for air. Tears shone in her eyes, but she smiled brilliantly. “You’re an idiot, and you drive me crazy, but I fucking love you.”
Running my thumbs over her cheeks to catch her tears, I asked, “Who says you’re not eloquent?”