Chapter 4
“You Part II” by Elle Eliades
The familiar sound of this Susan Street house was like music to Alani’s ears.
Her entire nervous system calmed between these walls.
She wished she could stay here forever, but she had a family, a husband who was waiting for her to come home.
She had so many questions about Kenzie and Lucas, but something inside of her became unnerved every time she thought of broaching the subject.
Ethic was coming back for her. They were supposed to pack up her things and whisk her back to his mansion, but she was afraid that the memories of Kenzie’s voice wouldn’t be so fresh there.
She could practically hear her baby’s sweet tone bouncing off these walls.
She was trying to heal. Mara and Dr. Pratha made it seem like she was lucky to even be alive, so she tried not to focus on the glaring emptiness in her life, but she missed her child terribly.
There was a bile that lived in the back of her throat just from the void of Kenzie.
She just had so many questions, and everyone seemed afraid to provide answers.
She couldn’t control anything. Neither her body nor her mind would cooperate, and with memories evading her, she had no idea how to begin accepting this new normal.
Everyone was so happy that she was alive.
They didn’t mind that her legs barely held her up.
She couldn’t make it to the bathroom without being winded.
It frustrated her to no end, but her family was elated to step in.
They cooked for her. They cleaned for her.
They washed her, fed her, entertained her.
She felt like such a burden. She felt like a shell of who she once was.
She had these people who loved her. They weren’t affected at all by Kenzie and Lucas being gone.
Not even Nannie mentioned it. Nyair either.
It told her that some time had passed. Grief had gone into the ground, and somehow, Alani had married and found happiness with Ethic.
Alani Okafor, she thought. An overwhelming urge to cry caused her to breakdown.
To build a life and leave Kenzie behind felt criminal.
To move on felt impossible. If only she could remember how she had done it before.
She had all this love for Kenzie, and it had nowhere to go.
She had barely had a moment alone since waking up.
It was in the wee hours of the morning, before the rest of the house awakened, that she finally felt free to grieve.
She cried, tears of confusion, of sadness, and of longing.
She knew she had to let this river of pain run dry because once she was back under the same roof as Ethic, she wouldn’t expose how badly it hurt again.
She was supposed to be grateful that she had come back to her family, but a huge part of her wished she hadn’t.
Wherever Kenzie was, Alani wouldn’t have minded joining her there.
God had made other plans, however, and Alani had to find a way to deal with the loss while being under a microscope.
It felt like they all took shifts watching her every move.
Ethic, Bella, Eazy, and even Nannie. She knew once she left this house, there would be no silent tears, no room for privacy.
When Ethic was near her, she felt her body gravitating toward him.
Her pulse quickened; her heart stirred. She believed that they were madly in love.
What is there not to love about him? she thought.
He’s fine as hell. Powerful. And so damn caring.
He’s doting and loving. He’s so grateful for me.
How do I give him that back if I can’t even remember why he loves me so much?
And how do I just forget about my baby? I can’t just move on to happily ever after without her.
Alani had no idea how far from a fairy tale their Okafor love story had been, but all her assumptions led to a perfect family picture in a shiny frame.
If she had come back to a life where her brother was gone, she could grieve that and allow herself to push forward without guilt, but her daughter?
Her firstborn? And they all were so expectant, so diligent in their love and responsibility to her.
They wanted a wife and a mom who woke up every morning with a smile on her face.
This felt like a test she was incapable of passing because there was no clarity to help push past this sudden loss.
She was crying so hard that it hurt. The soft knock at the door hushed her, and she quickly tried to wipe the evidence of distress from her face, sniffing as the door opened.
Ethic entered the room and closed the door behind him.
“It’s late. I thought you just decided to go home and come back in the morning,” she said, the thick accent of hidden grief putting her on blast.
He made his way to her side and climbed into bed with her, pulling her under his arm. She melted into his chest.
“Let it out,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head, and then rubbing her shoulder softly as she fell apart. His permission was all she needed.
Relief and angst flooded from Alani as she allowed herself to fall apart. He stroked her back gently with one hand and cupped her face. She was too ashamed to look at him. His chest was where she buried her disgrace.
“I don’t know how to accept this without Kenzie,” she whispered. “It feels like I’ve just moved on.”
The heaviest sigh left him. It was filled with a burden and a solemnity that put a pit in the bottom of his stomach.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t your problem. This isn’t on you to solve.”
“You have no idea how much of this is on me,” he replied.
His discomfort was palpable. She could see the struggle in his posture.
She couldn’t remember much of anything about him, but her instincts told her he was an honorable man.
The way he doted over her, standing guard, like it was his sovereign duty, told her he was a protector.
“You didn’t just move on. You clawed and fought your way to a livable place.
Every day you honor her. Every day I try to make it better.
You have never let her go. Bella and Eazy didn’t replace her.
You have been kind. You’ve welcomed them graciously, and you’ve been inclusive when it comes to them, but in no way do they serve as a replacement for your daughter.
True doesn’t replace her. I’ll spend the rest of my life helping you honor her because I owe you that. ”
“Do I even want to know what happened to her? It feels like everyone is tiptoeing around me. Was it my fault? Is that why nobody wants to tell me?” she asked.
His silence filled her with dread. A hundred different scenarios played in her mind as he hesitated. She was afraid of what his next words would be.
“No, Alani,” he whispered as he took her hands and planted kisses on her delicate fingers.
He shook his head, overwhelmed by the lies filling the room.
Omission was building a wedge between them.
He knew he should come clean. To let her think for a second that she was responsible for Kenzie’s death was wrong.
His confession was on the tip of his tongue, but the fear of losing her bound his words.
“You held no blame, baby,” Ethic stated, choosing his words carefully.
“Whatever blame you need to assign, put it on me. It doesn’t belong to you. It’s mine, and I’ll carry it.”
Alani’s heart was tender whenever he was around.
She couldn’t quite decipher if it was a strength of his or a weakness of hers.
His presence was so massive. His energy commanded her.
Her body seemed to attract naturally to his.
Before she would even know he was in a room, she would feel a pull in whatever direction he was coming from.
Her eyes graced the corner before his Range Rover pulled onto the block.
Her eyes searched empty doorways before he entered a room.
Her ears tingled before he announced his arrival.
And right now, in this moment, her heart lunged for this man; it fought inside her chest, raging, stampeding, for him.
She could tell he was anything but docile, but with every kiss to her knuckles, all she felt was softness.
The dichotomy love presented in a Black man was exquisite.
She calmed because of him. She settled at his silent direction.
His love was tranquilizing. It stilled the chaos within her.
“The blame doesn’t belong to you either, but I appreciate you trying to carry it for me. ”
His body tensed, and she felt his energy shift. He didn’t need words for her to hear him loud and clear.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” she asked, sniffling.
“We conquered the bad once. We can conquer it again.” Ethic was normally confident, but this time he sounded uncertain. Worry laced his tone.
She was afraid of the truth. The doom in her gut told her so.
“She wasn’t supposed to be there…” he started. Alani’s chest tightened, and she gripped his hand so tightly as her breath shortened. It felt like she was having a heart attack. The panic of a trauma unknown sent her nervous system into a frenzy.
“No, Ethic, don’t tell me,” she protested. “Please, stop. Not tonight. I don’t think I can handle it tonight.”
“Okay, okay,” he soothed. “You’re okay, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.” He leaned back, and she rested on his chest as tears flowed from her eyes. “You’re shaking. You’re safe. My baby,” he said softly.
“I’m not ready to face her death. Maybe God took the memory for a reason,” she whispered. “Maybe He’s sparing me.”