Chapter 6 #2
Messiah was stoic as he stared ahead at the cross. “It’s true. She got it from me,” Messiah said. “It’s my DNA.”
“And who did you get it from?” Khadeen asked.
He looked over at her suddenly, a bit thrown by the question.
“What that got to do with anything? Shit don’t matter,” Messiah replied.
“You’re right. The origin of that disease doesn’t matter much.
It’s nobody’s fault.” Khadeen’s point landed.
Messiah nodded and leaned forward on his elbows, face bawling in emotion, but he corrected the vulnerability before he lost control.
He cleared his throat. “You can’t control science.
This is not your fault. The only thing that matters is how you show up for your daughter while she fights this. ”
“The shit is about to hurt her, man,” Messiah whispered.
“I’m so sorry this is what your family is facing,” Khadeen said. “How is Morgan?”
Messiah was surprised that Khadeen cared to ask after Morgan’s stunt at the opening.
“Shorty’s devastated,” Messiah revealed.
“I don’t have kids, so I can’t imagine, but my heart goes out to you both. This isn’t a mental pain. It’s emotional. The only way through it is to feel it as you fight for your baby,” Khadeen replied. “There will be a lot of big emotions. I’m a phone call away if you need help processing.”
Messiah nodded. “I appreciate it, KD. A nigga just want to keep you here all the time. The only time my head on straight is when you’re here. It took everything in me not to call you when I found this shit out. I don’t know what you doing to me in these sessions, Doc, but I need you.”
Khadeen froze. She stopped blinking, stopped breathing.
“Messiah, it’s important for me to remain professional.
My career is something I’ve worked extremely hard for.
I don’t want to disappoint you or ever put you in a position where you feel unsupported in therapy, but I can’t be with you all the time.
I need you to respect my boundaries and to try to work through your processes when I’m not around.
The goal is to stop needing me one day.”
“Is it?” he asked. “Who set that goal for me, cuz that ain’t the goal at all.”
“Messiah,” she said warningly. She squirmed beneath his gaze, and he sensed her discomfort.
“My fault,” he apologized. “Making you uncomfortable ain’t never my intention, Doc.”
“I didn’t say that,” Khadeen said. “I just don’t want either of us to get too comfortable. Lines can blur very easily when you’re tapped into the mind of another person. You feel safe with me, and I take that seriously. To continue to strengthen that safety, boundaries are important.”
“People put up fences to keep things they fear out. You scared of me?” Messiah asked, glancing in her direction. Their eyes met, and Khadeen faltered a bit, unsure how to answer him.
“Not of you,” she corrected. “But therapy only works in a controlled environment, Messiah. It’s not about fear. It’s about safety,” Khadeen said. “I let you get away with a lot that I would never allow with another client. It’s starting to feel precarious.”
“That’s a nice way to say you scared of a nigga,” Messiah shot back. “You think I’m dangerous.”
“Aren’t you?” she asked. “You’re destructive to yourself, so isn’t it reasonable for me to think you could be destructive to me?”
“Over you and to you are two different things, Doc, but you got it. I don’t want you to feel unsafe.
” He stood slowly, rubbing the back of his neck, his stress evident.
She had given him one more heavy thing to think about.
Khadeen rushed to her feet. Even in the dark, she could read his body language.
He was offended, and dare she say, hurt.
“Messiah…”
“Thanks for the prayer,” he said, voice clipped, mood sour.
“Messiah, please don’t storm out of here and shut down this open dialog.
” Khadeen didn’t yell, she didn’t escalate the situation by inflating her own emotions.
She didn’t mirror his reactions. “I don’t want to engage with you like that.
Stonewalling, mood shifts, it’s all disrespectful, and I don’t want that for us.
Respectful conversations don’t contain abrupt exits. ”
“You gon’ run a nigga in circles,” he said, confused, and scratching the back of his head in frustration.
“I can’t play guessing games right now. What do you want me to do, KD?
However you want me to be, that’s what I’m gon’ be to make you comfortable.
Because these sessions the only thing that make shit make sense for me lately. ”
“Right now, I want you to calm down…”
“I’m calm,” Messiah bit back. He was the exact opposite. She could see his overwhelm bubbling like a pot left unattended over a fire.
“Just because you’re not yelling doesn’t mean you’re calm,” she answered.
“What if she dies?” Messiah asked, biting back emotion as he bowed his head while gritting his teeth.
“No, Messiah. You can’t do that. Let’s not jump to the worst-case scenario,” Khadeen whispered as she stepped closer to him.
“Information empowers you, Messiah. All you have is a diagnosis, and not even a firm one. She’s in the emergency room.
You haven’t seen a specialist yet. This is not your cancer.
This is not your circumstance. You let yourself get very sick before you even sought treatment.
Yara’s situation may be different. You don’t know yet.
So, don’t speculate. Don’t give out death sentences in your mind based on your experience. Okay?”
“Okay,” he said, nodding. “You right, man; I’m tripping. My head is so fucked up right now. I can’t think straight.”
“I know,” Khadeen replied. “But you’ll get through this, and that beautiful, tough, little girl will too.”
“I’m glad I ran into you,” Messiah said. Khadeen smiled and then looked down at her hands, giving him a chance to look away, because his stare was locked on her. “You made this better somehow.”
She cut her eyes back to him. “Don’t find comfort in me, Messiah.
You have a fearful avoidant attachment issue.
You want intimacy, but it terrifies you, so you sabotage it.
Your history of abuse makes you anxious about being vulnerable with anyone.
You’re finding safety in me, but it’s not me, it’s my expertise, Messiah.
That’s what you are connecting with. This is clinical. It’s a diagnosis.”
“Don’t shrink me right now, KD,” Messiah said in a low tone. “Don’t misunderstand or try to label what I’m telling you, shorty…”
“I’m not your shorty. You need to understand that. I can never be your shorty,” Khadeen shot back.
“It ain’t a crime that you make a cloudy picture clearer for me. That’s what this whole therapy thing is supposed to accomplish, ain’t it?”
Khadeen sighed. “It is…”
“But I make a clear picture cloudy for you,” Messiah challenged. Her silence was an admission.
“I don’t want to turn black and white to gray for you, KD,” Messiah replied. “I need you too much to risk running you off.”
Khadeen held the road map to redemption, to salvation. She looked up at him, her gaze full of care and worry.
“I’m not running, Messiah. I’ve never not helped a patient.
I’m committed to you and your healing,” she replied.
He could hear the sincerity in her. He could also see her unease.
Khadeen was an unexpected presence in his life.
She knew everything about him. He shared everything with her.
The fact that she didn’t fear his truth made Messiah feel accepted for the first time without having to perform or pretend.
Their stare lingered a second past appropriate as he searched for words to match the feeling that was stuck behind his ribs.
He couldn’t pinpoint the emotion. He didn’t know if he was extra triggered because of Yara’s condition or if Khadeen was evoking a strong resonance within him, so he said nothing instead.
What the fuck is going on right now? I can’t even stop looking at this lady.
The gaze they shared was so uncomfortable for him, but he didn’t dare break it. It was almost like he couldn’t. He stood there, a victim of her, as he waited for her to release him.
“Everything will be okay, Messiah,” she said. Her voice was the softest melody as she reached out to rub the side of his arm.
“I should get back,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder toward the other direction. His stare didn’t waver, however.
“You should,” she agreed.
“What did you say I got? An avoidant…”
“Avoidant detachment,” she finished.
“I know you need your notes and your labels, but the avoidant thing... That might be spot on with everybody else, but that’s not what this is with you.” She finally looked away.
“I know it feels that way, but I’m not special. It’s all in your head, Messiah. I’ve got to get home, so I try to squeeze in a little bit of sleep before work,” she insisted. “And you have to get back to your family.”
“I thought you were sick. I’m sure your patients will understand if you take some time,” Messiah said, forehead wrinkled in displeasure. “Who’s taking care of you, KD?”
She gave a soft smile. “I take care of me just fine, and a whole lot of other folks, too. I can’t afford to let them down, so work it is.”
“That’s unfortunate,” he replied.
She gave a courteous smile and shrugged. “I’m a big girl; I’m used to it. Keep me updated about Yara, will you?”
He wondered if she was just being polite, or if she truly cared to be informed.
“I will,” he responded.
“Take care, Messiah.”
She went to reach for the door, and Messiah cleared his throat.
Something about her leaving him there to process all this alone felt like a setup.
If he could pay her just to be on standby, he would.
If he thought she would go for it, the offer would already be on the table.
He would be her only patient. “Can I ask you one more thing?”
“I need to be billing you for these hours since you’re holding me up,” she replied, only half joking.