Chapter 13 #2
Alani recoiled. She heard Nannie’s frustration, and at the root of the chastisement, she heard fear.
Alani’s chin quivered as her eyes welled.
She couldn’t just let this go. There was too much she couldn’t recall, too much she didn’t know.
She wanted details. She wanted to know how many times Kenzie had been shot.
She wanted to know who came to the funeral.
She wanted to know who spoke at the funeral if Nyair preached.
She wanted to know if any suspects were found.
If anyone had paid for the crime. She couldn’t just let it go, but she could see that Nannie would never understand her need for the gory details.
All Alani could offer in response was, “Yes, ma’am. ”
“I’m sorry, baby. I know this is hard for you, and I don’t mean to make you feel like you can’t ask questions, but re-opening a wound that almost bled out seems like self-torture to me, and I don’t want to watch you suffer again.
I won’t be here forever, but when I go, I’d like to know that you’re in good hands.
You and Ethic should work on healing, not looking back at the past. Let me get off this phone.
I hear that man’s spoon in my pot, and you done ran my pressure up.
Will you be okay? Do I need to come over there? ”
“No, Nannie. I’m fine. Go ahead. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you,” Alani mumbled the words, but they didn’t reach her heart. Her melancholy was palpable.
“I love you more than you could ever know,” Nannie answered.
Alani sat there, phone in hand, heart in stomach, thoughts drudging through the empty canals of her hollow mind.
Just listen to her, Alani thought. But she just couldn’t. She was like a dog with a bone.
The knock at her door stopped her from pressing Nyair’s name on her favorites list.
“Come in,” she called out. Mara opened the door. “Just bringing you your medication and some tea. Do you need help with anything?” Mara’s look of concern, as she looked around the ransacked room, felt like judgment. “Are you looking for something?”
Alani looked at Mara, and she couldn’t justify the disdain she felt.
Mara was beautiful, educated, and, most of all, she was there to help.
She was there to serve. According to her family, Mara had helped to save her life.
She didn’t know why the hair on the back of her neck stood up whenever Mara entered her space.
“Can I trust you in my house?” Alani asked.
“I…ma’am…why would you…”
“The stuttering isn’t reassuring,” Alani admitted.
“It’s a simple question. Can I trust you here?
” Alani asked. She couldn’t continue to allow Mara in her space without having this much-needed conversation.
Mara had been hired as a team when Alani had been down bad, so she hadn’t had a say, but she needed Mara to know that she now had the final say. “Where is Dr. Pratha?”
“She’s my supervising physician. I report back to her daily with your updated chart. She’s still overseeing care. That hasn’t changed.”
“If you’re going to be here being the primary caregiver for my children and my husband, I need to know that I can trust you.
I can be territorial. It’s weird, because I can barely remember them, but I know in my bones that they’re mine, and I’m not coming to play about my family.
Like at all. I am in pieces. My heart. My mind.
My body. So, this feeling I get regarding you is probably me being insecure because I’m useless to them right now.
What I think is intuition could be me projecting that energy onto you.
I could probably deal with that myself if this was a normal, weekly appointment, but you are staying here under my roof, 24 hours a day.
So, I’m going to ask you again. Can I trust you? ”
“I’m not here for your husband or your children, Alani.
My primary job is to monitor your health and recovery, as well as baby True’s, and to provide 24-hour care.
That includes mental recovery, physical therapy, and your meals and grooming.
I only prepared a meal for your family to be helpful because the house manager your husband hired couldn’t start today.
Lily, I think her name is. I must prepare your meals anyway, so it’s not a problem to make sure the servings are enough to feed your entire family.
I come from a big family. I never really learned how to cook in small portions.
I apologize. I didn’t mean to overstep.”
Alani nodded and skeptically lowered her guard a bit.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
“Listen, I get it,” Mara stated. “You are vulnerable right now. On top of everything you’re facing, you’re also postpartum. I know my role here, but I also understand your concern. Your husband is handsome. He’s powerful. He’s all the things a woman wants, and a lot of women would prey on him.”
Alani’s brows lifted in stun at her candor.
“He’s also very much so taken. I don’t desire to be anyone’s side anything.
Nor do I take advantage of my patients. I take the access and privacy of my patients very seriously.
I just want to do my job. I’ve also invested in my worth enough to know I deserve to be the type of wife who has exactly what you have.
The house, the kids, the staff, the riches, and the man who loves me enough to take care of me through sickness and health.
You didn’t see the way your husband was when you were on that vent.
It was the most dedicated show of love I’ve ever seen.
It was mesmerizing to see a Black man love a Black woman like that.
Do I think your husband is the goal? Yes.
Is he my goal? Absolutely not. I want to do my job.
I want to get you back to full health. I do not want any parts of a married man with three kids and a crazy wife. ”
Alani nodded and gave a small smile, but it quickly dwindled as she thought of the conflict with the kids in the living room. “You can’t overstep the way you did earlier. Don’t ever interject when I’m talking to my kids or my husband.”
“I apologize. I was out of line,” Mara said. “I was only trying to help, but you’re right. That isn’t my place. It won’t happen again.”
Alani sighed. “Thank you for the reassurance, and for being here through my resistance.”
“Now, can we start over?” Mara asked with a friendly smile. “Hi, I’m Mara, and I’m an ICU nurse practitioner specializing in critical care patients and neurology.”
Alani shook her head, but she played along. “I’m Alani, your difficult patient.”
Mara laughed. “No argument there. Now, can we get this round of meds in?” Mara asked with a disarming smile. “Then maybe I can help you find whatever you’re looking for.”
Be less guarded, Alani thought. It was so hard to be open without her memories. It felt like she was walking around a dark room. It was hard not to be apprehensive in the dark. She kept anticipating a fall.
Alani motioned for her to fully enter, and Mara approached.
“You want to tell me what you’re looking for? I’ll keep my eyes out for it,” Mara said.
“I don’t know what I’m looking for. It just feels like everyone’s keeping so many secrets from me,” Alani sighed.
“I’m so sorry that it feels that way. I’m sure your family doesn’t mean for it to be that way, but I know it has to be hard and beyond frustrating.”
Mara helped Alani to the bed and handed her the water and a small paper cup full of pills.
“It’s even more frustrating because I feel like I have to smile and bear it. It’s like, if I do anything other than show gratitude for surviving, he’ll think I’m a terrible person. Sometimes I just want to scream.”
Mara sighed and took a step back. “Well, let it out,” Mara suggested. “Who says you can’t scream?”
Alani looked at Mara like she had three heads. “I can’t just scream like a crazy lady. I’ll scare the kids. They’ll think I’m losing the little mind God gave me back, girl,” Alani said, shaking her head.
“They’ll be alright,” Mara stated. “You need to blow off some steam. Come on, back on your feet. You need the walker?” Mara walked to the corner of the room and retrieved it.
Alani eyed it stubbornly.
“I mean, you don’t have to use it, but you’re only hurting yourself, Alani.
It’s not the protest you think it is. You just overwork your body and pay for it later with the muscle aches.
You’ve already been hobbling around your bedroom, so you’re going to be sore regardless.
I got muscle relaxers on deck, however, so we can do it the right way or your way.
I have your back either way.” Mara smiled.
Alani rolled her eyes, while shaking her head and smiling. “Fine, give me the old lady walker.”
“Look at that? Us seeing eye to eye,” Mara joked.
Alani chuckled and gripped the edges of the walker as she hoisted herself up onto her feet.
Mara led Alani over to the balcony, and they stepped outside.
“Go ahead, let it out,” Mara said as she motioned her hand over the massive property.
The home wasn’t just a single-family residence; it was an estate, with the potential to transform it into a family compound if they chose to.
They owned acres, enough to build homes for their children if they wanted.
She could scream at the top of her lungs, and no one would hear.
“This is silly,” Alani said.
“This is therapy,” Mara said. “Want me to go first?” Before Alani could answer, Mara screamed. “Lord, please help me deal with this difficult patient!”
Alani snaked her neck back. “I ain’t know we were screaming sentences.”
Mara laughed. “Scream whatever you like…if you don’t know what to say, just scream.”
Alani held onto the walker, gripping the metal tightly.