Chapter Fifty
The Caged
I killed a man today.
It wasn’t on purpose, nor was it in self-defense. It just was.
He was young. I heard the guards say he had just passed his twentieth birthday. And he’ll never have another one. He had a wife and a child on the way. A child who will never know their father.
My spine aches from where I am crouched. I ran as soon as everyone started to swarm the courtyard. I ran and kept going until I found a room I’d never been in and hid like a child afraid of getting in trouble.
I ran because I’m a coward.
I’ve always been a coward and I don’t think that’ll change.
Except I’m not just a coward, I’m a murderer now too.
I squeeze my knees tighter to my chest and blink back the tears filling my eyes.
The room is dark, only one small window on the far wall.
Sheets draped over old furniture, a creepy portrait of a woman staring down at me on the far wall.
Her black eyes are frozen in a glare as if she, too, is judging my inability to be strong.
“Leave me alone.” I whisper at the painting, questioning my sanity for the thirtieth time this month.
Her eyes don’t move, a grimace plastered to her face as if she is telling me to get it together.
“What would you have me do? I killed a man!” I yell at the artwork.
I clamp my mouth shut, my teeth clicking as I look around.
“Gods, I’m insane.” I whisper as I set my chin on my knees.
I hear footsteps down the hall, deep voices filtering through the shut door. I scoot farther behind the chair I’m hiding behind, hoping no one can see me if they peek in. The door opens with a creak, and I hold my breath.
“Your Majesty? Are you in here?” The voice that reaches me is young, crisp, reminding me of icy winter air. Footsteps approach and I shamefully glance up at the man standing before me.
He has dirty blonde hair cropped close to his head, as if he usually kept it shaved. His eyes are a bright hazel, seeming to glow in the darkness. He has a playful grin on his face, showing off his sharp chin and sculpted jaw. He is ruggedly handsome—in a village boy kind of way.
“Is this where all the royals hang out?” He jokes, his smirk travelling up to his eyes.
“Excuse me?” I retort, lifting my head. He crouches down in front of me, his silver armor rustling over his yellow clothing. It looks constricting. I wonder if it’s uncomfortable.
“You have the entire palace searching for you.” He says softly, his smirk fading into a small smile.
“Are you alright?” His tone of voice is so familiar, so comforting.
I tilt my head as I stare at him. He glances down, searching my body.
I can see when he notes the blood on my shirt as his eyes widen. “You’re bleeding!” I ignore him.
“Who are you?” I ask instead.
“Nero, Your Majesty, General of the Rakushian Royal Guard.” His voice deepens, diplomacy replacing the playful lilt.
“You look a little young to be a general.” I say, cursing the disbelief in my voice. He’s going to think I’m a bitch.
“You look a little young to be the queen of an entire continent.” He snaps back. My lips part and I fight the urge to smile. Maybe not.
“That was rude.” I say softly, but I can’t help but want to laugh. A small giggle bubbles out of my throat and his eyes widen in surprise. The giggle turns into a full-blown laugh as I drop my knees and hug my stomach. He slowly stands and looks down at me with a cocked eyebrow.
“My gods. Are you mad?” He asks, causing me to laugh even harder. I can’t fight the tears coursing down my cheeks as my stomach grows tender from the laughter. When it finally stops, I take a deep breath and glance up at him.
“What?” He shrugs and I roll my eyes. He offers his hand, and I take it. His skin is warm against mine as he helps me stand. “Thank you, general.” I smile and he returns it.
“You are very welcome, my queen.” My cheeks heat and I step around him, heading for the door, but I pause before I open it.
“I don’t know if I want to go out there.” I whisper. He walks up behind me, the clanking of his armor giving him away.
“You can’t move forward unless you go out there. You need to accept what happened.” His voice is soft, concerned. I look over my shoulder at him.
“What if I can’t handle it?”
“You do it anyway.”
“What if I can’t bear the thought of being a murderer? What if everyone hates me?” I press.
“You go out there anyway.” He repeats. He nods and I turn back towards the door, pushing it open.
I walk into the hallway and am greeted with a few other guards.
I don’t look up at them, afraid of what their faces will say, as I follow the long hall to the entryway.
Nithe is there, his hands gripping the tunic of a guard, fury filling his face .
“Hey!” I yell as I run towards them. “What’s going on?” Nithe spins around, his eyes scanning my body for any sign of harm before relief finally crests his eyes.
“Where have you been ?” He snaps, grabbing my face. I push his hands out of the way and step back into someone. I quickly move to the side and watch as Nithe looks behind me.
“General.” He says by way of greeting.
“Your Grace.” Nero responds with a subtle dip of his chin. “If you are no longer in need of my services, my queen, I have matters to attend to.” His hazel eyes meet mine and I smile. He bows deeply before turning and walking back down the hall we came from.
“Services?” Nithe snips as my eyes follow Nero until he disappears. I turn back to Nithe and catch his glare. “ My queen? ”
“He found me hiding, made me laugh, and made sure I returned.” I say with a shrug, heading towards the stairway, avoiding the glances of the guards gathered around.
“He made you laugh?” I nod and climb the tall steps. “How?” I turn around to face him on the stairs. He’s a few steps below, making our eyes even. He leans forward, his breath cascading across my face. I inhale softly and relish in the relaxation that follows.
“What do you mean how?” I say softly.
“How did he make you laugh? Was he being inappropriate? Speaking to you in a way that is above his station?” Jealousy crosses his eyes and I snort before shaking my head.
“He spoke to me like a person, unlike everyone else.” I start to turn again, and he grabs my arm.
“Look at me.” I glare at him, and his eyes soften. “Be careful, please.” His voice softens as if he’s worried.
“Of what?”
“Adultery is punishable by death.” My jaw drops and I can see the regret fill his eyes. My pulse skips and an overwhelming sense of disappointment fills my mind.
I was right all along. He’s not different. He isn’t similar to Theo or that of a decent man. He’s the same as him .
The same as Tobias.
“For someone who keeps assuring me they are not like Tobias, you two seem to be identical.” I rip my arm from his and quickly walk to my room, shutting it behind me.
The day is long and by the time night appears, Nithe still hasn’t returned. I climb into bed, my eyes affixed to the stars outside. Exhaustion pulls at me, and I fight it. I can’t sleep.
It’s not safe.
But it is.
It is safe. Nothing will happen to me here.
When will I finally realize I’m safe? When will I finally trust that I am free?
I close my eyes and relax against the pillow, my heartbeat slowing as I drift off into sleep.
Blood splatters across my chest and I scream. Fire rages on around us and I quickly scan the area for someone to help me.
“Help!” I yell as I press down on the wound. “Somebody help me!” My screams tear through my throat. I look down at his face, the tan fading with the seconds. “Don’t go. It’ll be okay. Just stay with me.” I whisper, tears dripping off my chin and onto his paling skin.
“I’m sorry—” His voice cracks as he coughs, blood hitting my face as I—
My head is pounding, sweat dripping from my hairline as I sit up. I suck in deep, ragged inhales. Blood. Ash. His face. Images flicking through my head. The first time in a while. The first time I have dreamt of something without looking for it since…since Noterra.
But that’s not true, is it?
At the wedding, I saw his head rolling on the ground. And just the other day I dreamt of a forest and a wolf.
My hands are shaking, and I glance over to where Nithe is stretched out on the couch.
His soft breaths are the only noise in the silent room.
I slide off the bed and silently walk over him.
Tears form in my eyes as I trace the path from his forehead to the tip of his nose, over his rose-colored lips.
No . This isn’t happening. It’s just a dream. I tear my eyes away from him and curl up on my side, cradling the tiny swell of my belly.
I’m gone before he awakes in the morning, the sun beating down on my face from the courtyard. I can feel him approach before he speaks. I can feel the bond in the air like static.
“The weather is warming up quite slowly this year. It’s normally blazing.” Enzo says as he comes to stand next to me. I turn to face him, noting the small sunburn on his nose and cheekbones.
“You seem to have gotten quite a bit of sun.” I remark. “I haven’t seen you in a few days.”
“I was off doing some surveillance at the border. It seems more and more men are arriving every day. Nearly fifteen hundred.” My eyes widen.
“Is it safe for you to be so close?”
“I stay in my raven form; they don’t even see me.” I nod, but I still feel hesitance. “I heard you’ve had some…difficulties the last few days.”
“You heard about the guard?” He nods. “I don’t know what happened, it was an accident.”
“You don’t have a handle on your aether, it makes you dangerous.”
“I know. I need help, Enzo.” I plead .
“There is a professor in Labisa, Professor Melner. He taught Nithe how to shift, and me how to manage my abilities. He knows everything there is to know about aether and magic. At some point, we will have to arrange our journey home, and when we do, you should spend some time with him.” He turns to face me.
“Labisa isn’t my home, Enzo.”
“It can be.” He shrugs.
“Only because I don’t have a choice.”
“Why are you fighting everything, Elaenor? I know what you’ve been through, or at least some of it, but you don’t let anyone in.
You don’t even attempt to heal. You sit with your misery and push everyone away.
I know you haven’t been seeing Laenie, and Scar hasn’t mentioned spending time with you either.
You spent the entirety of yesterday in your room, what will it take for you to heal?
” Anger brews deep in his chest, I can feel it— hear it in the way he speaks.
“It’s not as easy as you think, Enzo. Do you think I want to be miserable and in pain?
Don’t you think I want to find love and be happy?
How are you so okay with everything? Davenport held a blade to your throat to ensure I slept with his son.
Your life was forfeit. You should know how lost I feel.
You should know what it feels like to be weak.
” I bark, anger fueling my words. How can he be so okay?
How can he act as if nothing is wrong, and life is perfect?
“Having a weakness does not make me weak , Elaenor.” He says, his voice even and emotionless.
“It makes you vulnerable.” I retort.
“No. It makes you strong. It gives you something to fight for.”
“It gives you something to lose!” I scream and turn away from him.
“I will not lose you. Not again, Elaenor.” He grabs my shoulders and forces me to face him.
“I am not yours to lose.” I say softly.
“You are my sister! You have always been my weakness, even before you knew I existed. I know I may have had feelings for you, but that was natural given what I was told. But now? Now you are my family . You are my twin and the other half of my soul. And yes, that gives me a weakness, but that gives me even more to fight for. It gives me a reason to do more than just sit here and wait for Davenport to give commands. Commands that should be coming from you, I might add.”
“He’s the king—”
“No. He’s a king. You are the queen. This is your country. Your continent. Every person in this palace and in every other kingdom, is yours . You need to start acting like it.”
“What would you have me do? Boss him around and give orders?” I slap his arms away, but he grabs me again, forcing me to stay still.
“I expect you to use your power and influence to prevent a war.”
“They don’t listen to me!”
“Make them listen!” He silent for a mere second before he opens his mouth. “Come with me.”
“What?” My brows furrow and I glare at him.
“Come. With. Me.” He repeats again, this time slowly.
“Where are we going?” I ask as he drags me towards the palace.
“You need to see what it is we are fighting for.”