Chapter 25 Rowan #3
“Don’t act like you care, Ryker. Just go back to lounging around, doing whatever it is you do, ignoring my emotions, spanking and trying to have sex all the time.
I don’t need you to pretend to actually give a shit about me.
Most of the times I’ve cried recently have been because of one of you anyways!
I’m fine,” I said, wiping the liquid from my eyes, and continuing to focus on the floor.
He laughed, lightly gripping my chin and tilting it, so I was looking up at him instead of the floor.
“I know Cade and I did nothing to upset you, at least not on the walk over here. What happened? Something happened. Tell me, or I’m going to go get Cade and make the bossy overlord force it out of you.
You know he’ll make a big scene over it. Cade! Rowan has some-”
“Ryker, stop!” I put my hand over his mouth to keep him from calling Cade.
“Okay. Okay! It’s not a big deal; it’s just that the rude scientist pset me.
She asked Cade, not me, for permission and barely looked at me!
She was dismissive, and it made me feel…
” I searched for the right word before settling on, “powerless.”
“I’ll kill her. Problem solved. Only we can make you cry, Kitten. Anyone else who does, dies,” he said casually, shrugging, and then manically grinning from ear to ear.
I couldn’t tell if he was serious about killing her, because I could never tell when Ryker was, but just in case I started my response with, “Don’t kill her, Ryker!
” I continued, “She just made me feel pathetic. And then I started thinking, this is my new life, my new reality. People are always going to treat me like this now. I’m going to be powerless and weak.
That’s how everyone will see me, at least. No one ever treated me like that before.
When people thought I was a beta, they just treated me normally. I was free!”
He laughed loudly, and I shot him an angry look. Here I was actually trying to communicate my feelings, and he thought it was hilarious. Why was I even bothering?
Ryker had the emotional maturity of a turnip.
“Kitten, play back this conversation. You told me you were sad because the mean, bitchy, science lady wasn’t nice to you.
So I told you I would kill her. For you.
In fact, I would have killed those soldiers at the elevator too, just for looking at you.
So would Killian, Cade, and Talon. You are our fucking packmate.
Our omega. We would destroy anyone who hurts you, wrongs you, or disrespects you.
We would burn this base and the whole of New Arca to the ground for you.
So yes, I can’t help but laugh when you call yourself powerless, because you have the power to end that woman’s life in the palm of your hand.
Tell me she hurt you, and I will fucking do it, Rowan.
If you want her dead, she will die. How’s that for power? ”
“Ryker…”
He cut me off, continuing, “As far as you being free when people thought you were a beta, you weren't free, Kitten. You weren’t free of yourself. You built your own cage made from suppressants and isolation, fucking up your body, refusing to acknowledge your own biology and needs. I promise you, you are a lot freer now than you were. I’ve watched you come undone, pupils blown, unburdened with guilt or shame, fucking yourself on my fingers.
That’s freedom, Kitten.” He shot me a wink while popping a toothpick into his mouth and went back to lounging.
I stared at him, shocked into silence.
That was… surprisingly deep for a man I thought had the emotional maturity of a root vegetable.
His words resonated within me, and I considered what he had said while the woman got to work drawing several vials of blood, and swabbing my cheek. I guess there was more to Ryker than first impressions let on. What else had I missed about these men?
Was there more to Cade too? I knew he had daddy issues, but was that the root of his controlling behavior? What about the quiet giant Killian? The way he looked at me with peculiar curiosity always sent a shiver through me. Did I actually want to learn more about them?
I kept replaying Ryker’s words over and over on the way to the restroom so I could pee in the plastic cup.
If you want her dead, she will die. How’s that for power?
Was that really power? Being owned by psychotic men who would murder people I didn’t like? He said they would burn the whole of New Arca to the ground for me. As he said those words, I watched his eyes harden and knew he meant every syllable.
I also considered what he said about how I had been in a cage before.
Was that the hard truth that I wouldn’t bring myself to admit?
My panic attacks and near agoraphobia directly resulted from the fear of being caught.
When I woke up in the hospital bed and saw the Arca logo on Cade’s shirt, I knew instantly the jig was up and my life would never be the same.
I had felt despair, but there was something else there too.
Something small that I refused to acknowledge; relief.
When you live your entire life pretending to be something else, it consumes everything. Dishonesty and the fear of someone getting close enough to find out your secret affected every relationship. You keep others at arm’s distance and settle into your own solitude.
I had tried to convince myself that I was content to be alone for the rest of my life, but deep down I craved companionship. It was the one instinct I couldn’t stamp out with my suppressants, mainly because it wasn’t an omega instinct; it was a human one.
My need for companionship hadn’t been the only thing I suppressed.
Just because the medication lowered my sex-drive, didn’t mean I hadn’t been curious.
If I were being honest, it was more than curiosity.
When Lily and Harper gossiped about their explicit experiences with men, I felt left out, surpassed by my peers, and immensely jealous.
As a woman who prided herself on freedom, I had wanted to define, explore, and experiment with my sexuality, in the same way I explored my hobbies and interests.
The need to stay hidden always overpowered my ability to do that.
I had to make choices and sacrifices to live my life the way I had been living.
Those choices stunted my sexual growth as an adult woman.
“Rowan?” Cade said sternly, snapping my attention to him.
The scientist had asked me something, but I had been deep in thought. I looked back and forth between them, trying to piece together what they had said. I hadn’t spoken to anyone since Ryker and my conversation, opting to tune out the external noise while I internally reflected on his words.
“Yes? Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t listening…” I responded, tuning back into my surroundings.
“I’m all done. I got the samples I needed. Did you leave the urine sample in the restroom? If so, Dr. Zolkos is ready to meet with you now,” the woman said.
“Yeah, I did. Okay, sounds good,” I said indifferently as she exited the room, telling us to wait a moment for the Chief Science Officer.
He entered only a few minutes later, carrying a clipboard in one hand. He was wearing a white lab coat, with greasy grey hair plastered to his forehead. His body was lanky and lean, and his scent was the same offputting chemical smell that filled the lab.
From the moment he entered the room, his bug-like eyes sought me out and didn’t leave me. I didn’t like the way he looked at me, like I was a test-subject, rather than a person. This man gave me an “ick” that put me on high alert. He greeted Cade and Ryker first, before turning his attention to me.
“Hello Omega Mills, my name is Dr. Zolkos. I’ve been examining your test results from the samples we took while you were in a medically induced coma last week.
There were quite a few abnormalities, so we are going to re-run the samples.
Can you answer these questions for me?” he asked while passing me his clipboard.
There were many pages of printed forms with checkboxes next to hundreds of questions.
I read through the first few. Have you ever been diagnosed with, or have any reason to suspect you have had, any of the following…
Cancer, Anemia, Hypoglycemia, Depression, Hormone Imbalance, yada, yada, yada…
I had to check yes or no on each condition.
The next questions were all about my heat. When was your last heat? Provide the date. Are your heats monthly/regular? How many pregnancies have you had? I scanned through the pages trying to see how many there were… 1, 2, 3… 14!? 14 pages!? This was going to take forever!
Dr. Zolkos was deep in conversation with Cade and Ryker now. I tried to listen to their discussion, but could only focus on snippets while reading and filling out the form.
“...unusual hormone panel results and genetic testing for an omega. We’ve never seen results like it.
I suspect there’s more going on than meets the eye…
possible genetic mutations… shifter qualities, such as an additional chromosome sequence…
not sure if it could result from suppressants without knowing family history.
We have very little information about the father and mother.
Both apparently have been dead for some time…
Mother died in childbirth from a placental eruption…
seen this before with shifters but will need to run more tests to confirm. ”
I picked up the pace on checking boxes, barely reading the questions, as I tried desperately to focus on what the scientist was saying. Triggering words like “genetic mutation,” “shifter qualities” and “additional chromosome sequence” sent my anxiety into overdrive.
Was there something seriously wrong with me? I knew there was a risk in taking the suppressants for so long. No medications, even legal ones, are without side effects. Had I “fucked up my body” as Ryker so eloquently put it?
I was nervous, fidgeting with the clipboard in my hands, and bouncing my knees, unable to sit still.
Cade, still in conversation, reached his hand out and placed it on my thigh.
He purred quietly in the back of his throat while the Dr. and Ryker were speaking, running his big palm up and down to soothe me.
For a moment, I remembered how Alex used to calm me similarly when I was nervous.
He had an innate ability to just know when I needed comfort and gave it to me.
I had always loved that about him, and now Cade was doing the same.
It had been different with Alex though, because our relationship was purely platonic, but with Cade it wasn’t, and a piece of my icy heart thawed for him in that tender moment.
On impulse, I slipped my open palm under his, interlocking our fingers as he turned to me, flashing a quick soft smile, before reengaging in conversation. His smile was so uncharacteristic of him and, to my knowledge, reserved purely for me.
It made me feel… warm.