Chapter 6
Six
Emma
The vendors were keen.
My offer was snapped up with the help from my lawyer who negotiated a lower amount because of the work that needs doing.
I owe her a lot.
As time goes on, we all feel freer and it feels like I’m able to finally catch a breath.
“Are we going to talk about it?”
I knew this moment would come. Noah always knew he wasn’t Malcolm’s. Malcolm made sure of it. But I rebuffed my son every single time he wanted to talk about his biological father.
“I …”
“Mum. Please. Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough?”
I nod. “I know. Just … give me a minute.”
He sits on the other end of the sofa—so close, and yet so far away.
Noah is my pride and joy. I love all my children fiercely, but he’s the one who was born out of love, not abuse and obligation.
“I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment you were born, but I also had to protect you.” I meet his gaze—so much like his father’s. “You know all this.”
“But my father. He’s here?”
My throat tightens. “He is.”
“So, can’t we—?”
“No.” I run my fingers through my hair. “Not yet. I need some time to prepare. Do you understand what a big deal this is?”
“It’s a big deal for me too.”
He’s frustrated—I know that.
Tears prick my eyes. “I know. But I’ve been living with this for so long, and you know what we’ve all been through. I just need a little time. I love you, Noah, but I need you to do this for me.”
His jaw sets. “Fine.”
“I’ll do it. But I want to do it on my own timeline. You of all people know how much there is still for us to do. Once we’re moved, the kids need to be settled, which means all those little things we need to get done around the house have to be done.”
I take a step forward and grasp his arm. “I know you’re a grown man, and you can do it yourself if you want to, but I’m asking you to do this my way. When he finds out, I don’t know how he’s going to react. I need to be stronger.”
He swallows hard. “You think he’ll be angry?”
“Wouldn’t you be? I’ve kept this from him for twenty-seven years. He’s missed every single part of your upbringing.”
“I never really understood that. You could have contacted him—”
My eyes fill with tears. “I had no way of contacting him at first. And then the others were born …”
He nods. We’ve had this conversation—he knows why I couldn’t do anything.
“My head felt like it was in a constant mess. You’re old enough to remember what it was like. We were cut off from the outside world. It wasn’t until we left the church that I could contact him, but—”
“I get it, Mum. You had more to risk than me.”
“When Malcolm announced we were leaving, I thought we had nothing. I was in a panic over having a roof over our heads and putting food on the table. But he lied to the church.”
Noah nods. He knows this part. He was ten when we left, and Malcolm revealed he had assets he’d kept secret from the church. Not only did he have the house, but he had investments that had stacked up while we were living a basic life.
We landed back in the real world without any financial worries—well, he did.
I still had nothing. It was the thought of his children that made him change his will, not any kind of care for me.
He’d got what he wanted out of it—a young, compliant wife who gave him children and was tied to him because of them.
Sometimes I wondered if that was the only reason he joined the church in the first place.
“I’m sorry, Noah.”
He lets out a sigh. He’s so protective of his younger sisters and brother, and I hope that he truly does understand why I did what I did. I always knew that Malcolm would come after me if I tried leaving, and that he’d make my life hell, dragging me through court. He’d never let his children go.
“I get why you did it, but it still feels like you sacrificed me.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. “You have to know I did what I thought was best at the time.”
He places his hand on my arm. “I know you did. I’m not angry at you, but I am angry at the situation. There’s also a lot I don’t know.”
My throat tightens. There’s always been so much about our situation that I never told Noah. I never wanted him to know that I was forced to marry Malcolm. When we arrived at the church and I discovered I was pregnant, he told my parents he’d step up and marry me.
They grabbed hold of that while I continued to protest that I should tell Caleb. And then I was subjected to a huge amount of pressure. Back then I was so young and scared, and they all took advantage of it.
And in the end, I wasn’t given a choice. I had no way out.
“There is, but it’s a lot to think about right now.”
“And I get that. But we do need to have that conversation.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I’d like to try and put things right. He’ll be angry—I know that, but what’s important is that you can have some kind of relationship with him.”
Noah’s shoulders relax. “I’d like that. As long as he’s not like Malcolm.”
I swipe the tears from my cheeks. “I can’t say I know what he’s like as an adult. But the boy I knew was kind and very protective of me. He didn’t want me to leave, but we were sixteen and still in school. We had no way to support ourselves, and my dad … well, you know how your grandfather is.”
Dad was a tough father. He didn’t like me spending time with Caleb back then—never thought he was good enough. Most of our relationship was hidden. I’m not sure we would have had sex so young if we hadn’t had to sneak around.
It was an act of rebellion on my part, but given I got Noah out of it, it’s one I’ll never regret.
When we moved, he got worse. I was no longer legally required to go to school, so I didn’t. I worked within the church and was then married off to Malcolm.
I missed Caleb every single day but couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
I’d like to do some research before getting in contact with him. I don’t know how his life went. Is he married? Does he have children? Whatever I do will impact his life in some way.
Noah won’t be thinking about that, although he must be curious.
“Mum?”
Noah’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. “Sorry?”
“I said, it wouldn’t take much for my dad to be better than Malcolm or Grandad.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” I croak. I hate that my children were exposed to their harshness. We should’ve had a happy, safe family life.
Instead, we lived in fear, and I could never see a way out.
I draw in a deep breath. “What I do know is that if your grandparents are still alive, they’re nothing like my father. They were always kind to me.”
He smiles. “Am I like him?”
I cup his cheek. “You are so much like your father. Both in looks and temperament. It … it helped me cope knowing I had a little bit of him with me.”
“I’m glad.”
Dropping my hand, I lean back on the couch and close my eyes. “I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers you want yet, but I feel like I’m running on empty right now. Once we’re all moved into the house and back to some kind of normal, I think it’ll be better.”
“I’ve waited for all these years, Mum, a little bit longer won’t hurt.”
I open my eyes and smile at my son. “I love you, Noah.”
“Love you too.”
“Put your feet up and I’ll cook dinner. When do we get the keys to the house?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
He grins. “I can’t wait.”
My heart swells. The new house will feel more like home than the last one. We’ll make it our own.
Whatever it takes.
Two days later, I jangle the keys in front of my kids. “Who wants to go in first?”
Jason screeches. “Me!”
I laugh. “Come on, then. Don’t go out to the back deck. I need to get it rebuilt.”
Part of it is blocked off because the wood has rotten through. I’m not sure I trust the rest of it. There are steps leading up to the side of the deck near the ranch slider, and they’re quite new, but the decking isn’t.
The sun streams into the entranceway, and I step into my new home. My house.
All that history has been left behind, and I hope the people who bought our old place fill it with the love and laughter it should have had.
This is our future.
“This is ours?” Kiera asks.
“All ours, baby.” I stroke her hair.
She beams a brilliant smile at me. “This is cool. Can we get phones now, too?”
I laugh. “We’ll see. Can we just get moved in first?”
“When does all our stuff arrive?” Bailey asks.
“I called the moving company and scheduled it for tomorrow. So we’ll stay tonight in the Airbnb and come over here in the morning so we can get everything where it needs to be.” I wave my hands in the direction of the rest of the house. “Now, go. Go and take a look.”
Bailey, Kiera, and Jason all take off for the stairs. They laugh as they run up, the two older girls giving way to my son.
“Happy?” Noah asks from behind me.
I turn. “You have no idea.”
He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I hope you worked out which room is whose otherwise they’ll start arguing.”
I chuckle. “Good point.”
Shaking my head, I make my way up the stairs. There’s clearly debate going on among the girls while Jason goes from room to room.
“So, I have some ideas.” I interrupt. I point at the corner room. “That one is mine because it has an ensuite.”
“But we thought—” Bailey says.
“You two will have to share a room.”
Bailey and Kiera roll their eyes. They’ve spent so long occupying the same space, and this was supposed to be about getting their own.
I hold up my palms as Bailey opens her mouth.
“But it’s only temporary. I need you to work out what colour you want to paint your rooms. We’ll get some colour charts. You’ll bunk in together while we paint one room and then you’ll shift so we can paint the other.”
Kiera claps her hands together and Bailey grins.
“I want pink,” Kiera says. That doesn’t surprise me—pink is her thing.
“I want to see what options there are.” Bailey cocks her head. “I’m not sure what I want.”
“How about we do Kiera’s room first, so you can have a bit more time to decide? Let’s go and take a look at the bedrooms and we’ll work out which ones you want.”
“Can I paint my room?” Jason asks.
“Of course you can.” I ruffle his hair. “I just thought that we’d get the girls’ rooms out of the way first so they don’t have to share for long.”
He seems happy with that, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I have an idea about which room each of them will suit, but I want them to feel they have a say in our new home—they’ve never had that before.
There’s a lightness that this house offers that none of us had in the old one. It reminds me of my childhood, before it was ripped away from me.
I’ll move heaven and earth to keep my kids safe.
I’m acutely aware of the fact that Bailey is the same age I was when I was with Caleb. Noah was born before I turned seventeen.
But I’m also aware of the fact that she’s not lead a normal life. While she attended school like anyone else, Malcolm was strict. She didn’t have a social life of any substance—he never let her go to parties or sleepovers like other children.
It’s the same for Kiera and Jason.
Jason at least has a chance for a normal life from an early age. It’ll take time to build trust, but I’m determined to help him find his feet socially.
“I also think Jason should be in the room closest to mine. Which leaves those two rooms for you to pick from. I don’t care which one you want, but that’s your choice.”
“What about Noah?” Kiera asks.
“There’s another bedroom downstairs. That’s Noah’s. He can come and go without disturbing anyone.”
Bailey opens her mouth again, and I hold my palm up.
“Both those rooms are bigger than the one you two used to share. And they have good sized wardrobes. I know we have to go shopping for new things, but let’s just get moved in first and take it from there. Okay?”
She nods, and the others follow suit.
I head back downstairs where Noah waits.
“Sorted?”
“I think so.”
“It’ll be better tomorrow once they can sleep in their own beds and have some of their things around them.”
“Wow. This house is so big.” Jason runs into the living room before running back out and back toward the bedrooms.
“It’s good to see him so happy,” Noah says.
“It is.” I check the document again about the repairs that need doing. “There are a few things here—Jason’s bedroom door needs replacing, and a couple of the windows upstairs need repairing. We’ll paint the girls’ rooms ourselves, but I’ll get professionals in to sort everything else out.”
Noah nods.
“The most important thing, I think, is to get that deck replaced.”
He wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives it a squeeze. “One thing at a time.”
Even without furniture or any of our things, this house feels like a home. Peals of laughter float down the stairs, and any tension I had about the move eases.
Everything’s perfect.
With the kids settled in front of the TV for a movie, I make my way to my room to speak to my counsellor.
I open the laptop.
For years I searched the internet for information about what was happening to me. As the internet grew, more and more information about emotional abuse and coercive control became available.
The worst part was that I knew what was happening, but felt completely unable to stop it.
I’d empathise with women online all the while knowing it was happening to me.
Now I use it for another purpose. Since probate cleared and I’ve had the funds to take care of myself and the children, I’ve been seeing an online counsellor.
While I’ve made progress by myself, it’s been validating to have someone listen to me about things I’m not sure I can ever talk to anyone else about.
She listens and doesn’t judge.
Zoom connects, and Julie smiles at me from her office.
“Emma. It’s good to talk to you again.”
“Good to talk to you too.” I pause. “We move into our new house tomorrow.”
“How are you feeling? Still overwhelmed at times?”
I nod. “Not as much as I was. I feel like once we’re in the house, we can get a routine going again and that’ll help.”
“I think that’s something very important to you. Do you have a plan to get out of the house more?”
“Well, the house is close to both schools and I can walk Jason to and from his school. There’s a supermarket nearby, so I thought I could continue doing the groceries in person instead of having them delivered.”
She nods. “That sounds like a very good start.”
“Noah’s offered to start teaching me how to drive, so I bought a copy of the road code so I can sit my learner licence.”
Julie’s smile widens. “That’s a good step for you. I think driving will give you more independence.”
“I’m just a bit worried about being judged. It’s not normal for someone of my age not to have done things like driving, you know?”
She shakes her head. “Actually, I think it’s something that’s becoming more common in the age of Uber and the like. But I do think it’s important for you to be able to do it.”
We talk some more, and by the time the call ends, I’m feeling more confident in myself.
I will do this.
It’ll take some time, but I will live the rest of my life with all the freedom I should have had from the start.
No more being held back.