Chapter 13 #3
He hesitates, waiting for me to reply, but I stay silent. In the end, he just shrugs awkwardly and moves away, disappearing into the distance. I watch the mist eddy and reform around him. I stay watching for a while, and then I turn away and start to walk.
My shoes make a squishing noise as I walk down the corridor to my room. I give a sudden shudder. My clothes are so wet that they’re clinging to me. I don’t know how long or how far I walked after the funeral. It’s sheer luck that my feet led me back to the hotel.
I pause in the corridor, shooting a glance at Jez’s door.
Then I turn my face away. The thought of speaking to him again makes me sick to my stomach.
My phone rings, but I don’t answer it. Xavier has rung four times, but I can’t speak to him.
I need to work out what to do and how to let him down gently, but one look at me right now, and he won’t trust anything I say.
I think back to that first time in his hotel bedroom.
He’d answered the door, and I’d had a sense of falling.
I remember reading a phrase in a book once.
Koi no yokan. The Japanese believe in a premonition of love when you first meet someone who will become important to you.
Is that what happened when I met Xavier?
Did part of my soul wake up and say, this is the one?
It takes several goes to get the keycard situated properly because my hands are purple and shake as if I’ve got an ague. Finally, the light turns green, and I shove the door open. I get three steps into the room when there’s movement and the lamp snaps on.
“Shit,” I choke out, spinning awkwardly and nearly losing my balance. I grab hold of the chair and stare at the other occupant of the room. “What are you doing here?” I gasp.
Grey sits up in bed, his arms folded over his naked chest. “Where have you been? Jez got back hours ago.”
I close my eyes, shake my head and then do it again, but he’s still there when I open them again. One of my oldest friends. “What are you doing here?” I repeat.
His brown eyes are running up and down my body, and when he catches my gaze, he looks troubled. “Where have you been, Reuben?”
I gesture helplessly, my hand still holding the keycard. “Walking.”
“In this weather? Are you part duck?” I don’t smile, and his eyes sharpen. “What’s happened?” he asks, the usual humour gone and his voice sharp. “Was the funeral bad, babe?”
I ignore his question. It’s shameful that I can barely remember Sean’s funeral. “Why are you here?” I ask again.
He waves a dismissive hand. “You sounded odd on the phone, so I came.”
“Well, thank you.” I open my mouth, but nothing else comes out, so I just stand staring at him.
“Okay, now I’m fucking worried. Jez looked off as well.”
“Did he?” I can’t help the bitter note in my voice.
“Yeah. He also looked like he thought it was funny when he talked the receptionist into giving me your spare room card.”
“I’m sure he did. He probably thinks you’ll keep me on the righteous path.”
“What?”
I run my hand through my hair, feeling the tremble in my fingers. “Nothing. We just had words, that’s all.”
“I wish you had more of those with Mister Shit for Brains, but we all know wishes don’t come true.” I don’t laugh, and he sighs. “What’s happening, Reuben? The last I heard, you were supporting Jez in the onerous task of meeting the child he created with one of his drive-by sperm.”
“Xavier.”
“What?”
“That’s his name. His child’s name.”
“Hmm. And did Jez meet this Xavier?”
My clothes are dripping onto the carpet and I shiver. “Yes.”
“You are truly the master of communication today.” He cocks his head. “And what is Xavier like? Anything like his arse of a father?”
“No.” I shake my head. “No. He’s… he’s lovely actually.”
His eyes narrow, and I want to groan. Grey is like a missile. When he locks onto a target, you’d better stand out of the way. And he’s on target now, his attention sharp and focused. “Lovely, eh?”
“Yes.”
“How old is he?”
“Nineteen.”
“Blond hair?”
“Yes.”
“Green eyes?”
“No. Blue.”
“Tall?”
“Yes.”
“Shagged him yet?”
“Yes.” I pause. “No, I—”
He rolls his eyes. “Don’t even bother. I knew something was up.” He whistles. “Bloody hell. You’re shagging Jez’s kid. Bet that went down with Jez like a cup of cold sick.”
“It’s not gone down well, no.”
“So why do it?” He stares at me. “This is so far beyond what I thought was wrong that I’m a bit lost, to be honest.”
“You and me both.” I cock my head. “What did you think was wrong with me?”
He waves a hand. “I thought we were finally acknowledging your PTSD.”
The interest fades. “I haven’t got that,” I say coldly.
“What you have got is a nose longer than Pinocchio’s. Fuck. You shagged Jez’s kid.”
“Can we stop saying that. He has got a name, for fuck’s sake.”
“Xavier, yes? So, is this teenage rebellion on his part, then?”
I make an impatient gesture. “No, of course not.”
“There’s no of course about it.” He hesitates. “Is he as selfish as his old man? He’s got to be to get you involved and—”
“He’s not selfish,” I burst out, my voice far too loud. He stares at me, and I can’t help but elaborate. “He’s snarky and far too beautiful and—” My words run out when I see him staring at me. “What?”
“Oh my god, you actually like him.”
“No, I don’t.” I try to scoff, but I know it hasn’t landed properly before I’ve even finished the sentence.
“Yes, you do. You more than like him.” He whistles. “Bloody hell, I never thought I’d see the day.” I don’t reply, and he pauses before saying, “So why the long face? Does he not feel the same?”
“I think he feels the same, but—” My words die away as I give a sudden shiver that’s so violent my teeth clatter.
“Reuben, you twat. You’re going to get ill.” He climbs out of bed in all his naked glory.
I stare at him. “Where are your clothes? Did you just walk into the room and get naked?”
He rolls his eyes. “Shut up. Can I not be concerned and horny at the same time?”
“No.”
“I suppose I’m not getting my shag, then.”
“No.”
“Get your clothes off anyway.”
I shiver again, and he steps in front of me, reaching for my tie. It’s so wet that it doesn’t come loose, and he tries again.
“So, you’re in love, then?” he says chattily.
I groan. “Leave it, please. I don’t need this right now.”
The tie comes loose, and he looks up at me, his eyes sharpening. “What do you mean right now? What’s happened?”
“I had a run-in with Jez.”
“He knows?”
I nod.
“Fuck. How did he take it?”
“How do you think he took it? He did cartwheels and gave us his blessing.”
“I think not.”
“Really?”
He pinches me. “There’s no need for snarkasm.”
“That’s not even a word.”
“I bet it is somewhere.” He throws the tie down and unbuttons my shirt, his long fingers moving easily. It’s familiar, something we’ve done hundreds of times, but now it feels different. It feels wrong to have his hands on me. “So, he took it badly. Well, it’s not exactly surprising.”
“I know. Xavier’s just a kid.”
“I was talking about Jez.”
“What?”
“It’s not surprising he took it badly. He’s far too attached to you.”
I sigh. “Not this again.”
“Anyway, Xavier is not a kid.”
“He’s nineteen.”
He huffs. “At that age, I had a full-time job and was on my third lover.”
“We’re not all you.”
“Is he very innocent, then?” he asks curiously.
“Fuck no,” I say immediately and unbelievably, a smile tugs at my lips. “He’s scarily bright and incredibly cynical. Why are you staring at me?”
“Because he sounds perfect for you.”
“Well, apart from the teeny tiny details like his age and the fact that he’s my best friend’s child.”
“But you’re still in love with him.” I freeze, and he nods. “Don’t even bother to deny it. I know you very well, Reuben Langley.”
I swallow hard. “Even if I am in love, there’s no future in it.” The words are painful, my voice hoarse.
My shirt comes loose, and he throws it down on the chair where it lands with a wet splat. “Why?” he asks softly. “Because of his age?”
I stare at him.
He frowns. “Jez?”
I nod.
“What did he say?”
“Basically, I have to sack Xavier off, or he’ll cut him out of his life.”
“What?” Grey says in a deadly voice.
“You heard. If I don’t end things, Jez will cut him off and have nothing to do with him again.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Grey,” I warn.
“Well, for fuck’s sake, it’s the truth. How is Jez as a father?” I don’t answer. “I bet he’s combative and competitive.” When I flinch, Grey says, “Yep. Called it. Reuben, listen to me.”
I loosen my belt and slide my trousers off, shivering in the cold air. “Do I have any other option?”
“No. Are you actually going to do as his lordship Jez commands?”
“Of course I am.”
“Why?”
“Did you hear anything of what I just said?”
“Yes, and I stand by my conviction that it’s not a bad thing for this Xavier if he never sees Jez again.”
“Stop.” I sigh. My underwear is sticking to me clammily, and I drag my boxers off without a second thought. He’s seen me naked more times than I’ve had hot dinners. “A father is important.”
“Oh my god, I bet Jez mentioned your family situation too.”
“Grey.”
“He did, didn’t he?” After I nod, he draws himself up, looking angrier than I’ve ever seen him. “That fucking cunt. He knows just what buttons to press on you.”
“He’s right to be angry with me. Everything he said is true.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“I took advantage of a kid.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m sorry. Do you actually know Xavier, and I missed it?”
“No. But I know you, and I’ve just witnessed the way you talk about him. You’d never touch someone unless it was reciprocated. You’re the most honourable man I’ve ever met.”
“I’m glad you’re here, then, because my character really needs a boost today.”
“Your brain needs that.” He grabs my shoulders. “Think, babe,” he says urgently. “Why does Jez want you away from Xavier?”
“Because he’s his son.”
“Oh, and he’s so bothered about that. Try again.”
“He doesn’t want me backing out of a job he’s lined up in Afghanistan.”