Chapter 20 #2
“No,” he says softly. “I know that now. But sometimes life decisions come down to chance moments. After that funeral I was a bloody, muddled mess. When you walked in on me and Grey, I thought I saw a clear choice to end things quickly and do it in a way that might cause less pain in the future. But if you hadn’t arrived at that moment, I might’ve made a different choice. ”
That startles me. “Really?”
He nods. “I told myself I could let you go, but the truth is that I’ve never ever been able to do that with you.” His mouth quirks. “Don’t look so happy.”
I smile. I am happy because it feels like he just removed a bruise from me that no one could see. “I thought it was easy, and you never looked back.”
“Shit, Xavi. There hasn’t been a moment between then and now that I haven’t been looking back.” I shake my head, and he adds, “And I honestly still think it was the right decision.”
“We’ll never know, will we?”
His eyes fill with regret, and I hate it. I’ve spent years wanting him to feel that way, and now he does, I can’t bear it. Life can be very strange.
“No,” he says steadily. “And I know you can’t forgive me for that.”
I walk over and sit next to him on the stile.
His body is warm against mine, and I shiver a little in the sudden breeze.
The sun has vanished now, and it’s turning cooler.
He watches me, his eyes kind and steady, and I know this is down to me.
Reuben has never made me do anything—just said his piece and waited.
I realise now that he’s always been waiting for me.
“Of course I forgive you,” I say simply.
His mouth drops open. “What? That can’t be true.”
I shrug. “But it is.”
He lifts his hand tentatively and cups my face. His fingers are shaking and my heart twists at his uncertainty. I lean into him and close my eyes for a second, savouring the touch of his skin on mine. When he lets go, my body feels cold without him.
“Since when did you forgive me?” he asks hoarsely. “You hated me.”
“I’d stopped hating you a long while before today.
All I knew was that I missed you. It’s as simple as that.
” He gives a shaky sigh, and I carry on forcing the words out because we must be honest with each other now.
“I hate that you didn’t talk to me and didn’t trust what we had, but I still understand why you did it.
You’re right. I was so young, and you were suffering.
We were flash and fire, and maybe that would have burnt out anyway. ”
“Do you believe that?”
I give a humourless laugh. “No, I don’t. I think we’d have lasted.”
“I’m sorry.”
“The fault for this lies mostly with Jez, and he’s way beyond our recriminations now. Also, I think the time for recriminations is over.”
Reuben’s eyes glitter in his pale face. I reach out, and he takes my hand instantly, his fingers clutching tightly. “Unlike Jez, you were putting me first. You were trying your best to look after me. No one really did that before for me, or after. Just you. So, Roo, how can I not forgive you?”
He drags me close, making me gasp. His arms band tight, and he presses kisses against my face. “Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me. I had my revenge.” The knowledge hits me like a brick in the face, and I stiffen. “Shit. All the things I did to you. I’m so sorry, Roo.”
“No, absolutely not,” he snaps, pulling back and grabbing my shoulders. His eyes are stormy. “I will not have you reproaching yourself for that. When I treated you so badly, I created a baton of shitty feelings that you took and ran away with. It’s hardly surprising.”
“I didn’t have to club you over the head with it constantly as well.
” I sigh, sorrow filling me. “We wasted so much time, Roo.” His eyes gleam with tears, and I make a soft sound of melancholy.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, hugging him and feeling the heat and familiarity of his body.
It’s so good I want to die. My eyes fill too. “Roo, I hate the way I treated you.”
He holds me like he’s trying to fuse us together. “I’m sorry too. So much. I love you more than anything in this world, and I just want to be with you. I want us to forget the past. Leave it behind us where it can’t hurt us anymore.”
“Then let’s do that.” I seize his face in my hands and stare into his eyes.
“I don’t ever want to be away from you. I love you so much.
” I sniff and then, to my horror, something snaps inside me like an iceberg melting, and I feel myself starting to cry.
“Oh no,” I say in horror. “I’m absolutely not crying. ”
“I think you are.”
“It’s just the sun in my eyes.”
“Of course it is. That damn fucking sun.” He rocks me in his arms as I sob. It’s embarrassing how many tears I’m crying, like there’s a lake of them inside me. I know damn well I’m not a pretty crier, but when I look up, he’s still watching me with complete adoration in his eyes.
“Please don’t cry anymore,” he mutters. “I can’t bear to see you sad. Not ever. I love you too,” he chokes out and bends his head, taking my mouth. It’s hard to cry and kiss, but we manage it.
It takes forever to open the door of the Airbnb, but that’s mainly because Reuben has me pushed into the door, kissing my neck and thrusting his cock against me.
“I just need to— Ah! Oh, god,” I gasp, shoving back against him and groaning as his hand finds my cock in my jeans and squeezes it. “Do that again.”
He repeats the gesture using his other hand to ruck up my T-shirt and jumper, giving a loud groan as he touches skin.
“You’re like silk under my fingers,” he mutters, punctuating the words with kisses on my neck and ears.
I squeeze my eyes shut and then try the door again. It opens abruptly, nearly jettisoning us onto the tiled floor.
“Shit,” I shout, windmilling my arms for balance.
Reuben hooks my shoulder and uses the momentum to drag me into him. He promptly shoves me into the wall and kicks the door shut with one well-placed boot.
“My goodness, this is so sudden,” I say, trying not to laugh.
His eyes twinkle. “Is it really?”
“No, it’s been a fucking endless year.” I drag at his jumper, hearing the stitches tear and not caring. “Oh my god, get naked now.”
“Good plan,” he gasps, reaching behind him to draw the jumper over his head and taking the T-shirt that was underneath with it. I immediately lose interest in my own disrobing and reach greedy fingers for him.
I snort as he slaps them. “Do your own,” he snaps. “I want us naked in as little time as possible.”
I quickly do as he tells me, my attention wholly on him as he strips, revealing the powerful body that’s haunted my dreams for years. No man ever managed to erase his image, and no man ever will. It’s like he’s imprinted on my eyes—seared into my retinas—and will be forever.
When we’re finally naked, he drags me into his arms, and everything slows for a second.
The feeling is amazing, like the biggest high from the best drugs.
His arms band tight, and I can feel every inch of him against me, his skin heating me like usual, the scratch of his chest hair, the scent of sandalwood.
I bury my face in his neck, inhaling the scent of shampoo and feeling the salt-stiffened waves of his hair.
I stick my tongue out and taste his skin. “Salty,” I murmur, and a shuddering wave breaks over his body.
“I want you so much,” he mutters, and all slowness recedes, replaced immediately by the intense desire to fuck and to be locked together in the little world we always create in bed together, where there’s just him and me, and it’s always so good.
He obviously feels the same energy as he grabs my hair, pulling it back so there’s a flash of pain that makes me moan like a slut. “Yes,” I gasp, kissing him like the world is coming to an end, panting as our tongues clash.
His hands go to my arse, and I obey his cue, jumping up and wrapping my legs around him.
His pubes are scratchy, and his cock slides against mine as he steadies me.
We both groan, and he starts to walk, bumping into the odd wall as he’s distracted by our kisses.
They’re frantic and laced with all the emotion we don’t need to shut away anymore.
The thought of that freedom makes me as high as a kite on a windy day.
I don’t see anything of the house. There’s only him and the big bed he throws me onto. I bounce a few times, unable to stop myself laughing. I might never actually stop because the joy is bubbling up inside me as if I’ve inhaled champagne. He loves me back. The words repeat endlessly in my head.
Then he lies on me, and the laughter sinks into my bloodstream, sparkling as I wind my arms and legs tight around him. “Hello, you,” I say softly.
His smile is slow and easy. “Hello. Fancy meeting you here.”
He bends his head to kiss me, and I go under without any protest. There’ll be time enough for more words later. Now I need him. I want him on me and in me, and I don’t want to come up for air for a very long time.
I make an inarticulate noise of protest when he pulls away but then subside into the pillows as he kisses his way down my body.
Gone is the slow, patient lover of past years, where it felt like he was doing everything to prolong our encounters.
He’s fast and furious as he sucks bruises into my skin, using his fingers to soothe the pain afterwards.
He bites my hipbones and rubs his stubble into the space where my groin meets my legs, and the pleasure is bright and white in my brain.
Then he’s taking my cock into his mouth, and I arch up, shouting out into the quiet room.
We’ve always been noisy in bed, and I love that.
He doesn’t even try to tease me. Instead, he takes my dick down the back of his throat and swallows. The tugging makes my eyes cross, and he pops off long enough to say, “Pull my hair. Choke me.”