CHAPTER FIFTEEN
NATALIA
Dima, his grandpa and I, exit the warehouse and leave behind a bloody mess of destruction, but I don’t feel sadness at the loss of life inside the old building. I don’t feel anything other than gratitude. I’m grateful Nikolai is dead. He was a beast, a monster, and one of my abusers.
Now I know Nikolai had a twin, the man I killed in the woods, I’m left to wonder if I was used by both him and Vlad.
I’m almost certain I was. Even though he looked identical to Nikolai, Vlad also felt too familiar to just be a stranger who tricked me.
His cold stare terrified me the same way Nikolai’s always had.
I don’t regret helping Dima to kill him either.
Both were born from evil into a world where women mean nothing. A world where women are used by men, used for sex, for pleasure, taken advantage of and treated like toys, like property.
Nikolai drugged me often enough that I fear the times he raped me it could’ve been Vlad instead. Both of them taking turns without my knowledge.
He always wanted men to use me without me putting up a fight, without me trying to stop them.
Sometimes, I’d even take the drugs voluntarily just to survive the night.
I guess I’d never have known the difference between the two of them.
I didn’t even realize it wasn’t Nikolai the first time I thought Dima killed him in the woods, the time I used every bit of my courage to shoot him—to shoot the monster and escape his claws.
I’m so fucking stupid. I know if I keep thinking about it, I’ll drive myself insane.
And as for Mikhail, the one they call Volk, the wolf, his death was long overdue. He should’ve died sooner.
I try to push my thoughts away before I start back on a path of self-hatred. In my heart I know none of what I experienced was my fault, but I can’t help but blame myself for falling into their world.
The three of us walk slowly through the soft snow to grandpa’s truck.
It only takes a minute until we’re meters away.
Red and black blankets are visible in the bed.
As we move closer, I see snowflakes have settled on top.
I know Pawel is wrapped inside. Dmitry walks over and places his hand on the material.
“Hello my brother. You’re safe now,” he says and tugs the blanket slightly down revealing Pawel’s frozen face.
I gasp at the sight and turn away quickly. It’s not something I ever want to see again, and I hope I never remember the image of him lifeless like this.
Dima notices my reaction and covers Pawel’s face back over with the blanket. “I’m sorry, Natalia. You ride upfront with my grandpa,” he says and opens the front passenger door.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you in the back?” I ask wanting to stay close to Dima. “It’s where I feel safe.”
“Of course you can. I was going to bring Pawel out of the cold and lay him on the back with me, but you’re my girl. I know he won’t mind,” he replies with a soft smile and closes the door.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Bring Pawel inside. I’ll climb in the front.” I reach to open the door back up.
“No. You should be beside me. I need to keep you safe. Come on.” Dima opens the back door and we both climb inside.
I snuggle into my king, resting my head against his chest and my arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around me, holding me close, keeping me safe.
Grandpa climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the engine.
He turns the heater on, and it fights against the chill in the air.
The smell of copper from the blood all over the three of us seeps into my nostrils, making me feel a little nauseous, but it’s only because I know who it belongs to.
And once today is over I know I’ll never have to experience any trace of the monster on my body ever again.
The drive along the country road back to the farmhouse is quiet and solemn. It brings a strange sense of relief to my heart. Maybe this is what peace and freedom from a monster feels like.
We roll down the snow-covered path to the back of the farmhouse.
“Dima, are you ready?” His grandpa asks.
He nods and gets out of the truck. He offers me a hand; I take it and climb out after him.
The two of them move to the back of the truck, pop the tailgate down, and lift Pawel’s body. And together they carry him along the rest of the narrow path. It leads us to the small garden where they buried Sylvia. The same small garden Dima told me he and Pawel helped his grandpa to create.
“I never imagined this would be how we’d be saying goodbye,” Dima says to his grandpa and swallows hard.
“I’m grateful we’re getting this chance, Dima. If it wasn’t for Miro collecting his body, we would’ve never have known what became of his flesh,” his grandpa replies bluntly, but his voice remains soothing and gentle, and full of love and compassion.
“I know. I just wish we had more time. He’s the only brother I’ve ever known. We argued grandpa, we argued all the time, but he was still my brother.” Dima’s voice breaks as he shuffles his feet through the thick snow, taking care not to lose his grip on Pawel’s body.
The three of us reach Sylvia’s grave and the two of them place Pawel’s body down onto the same bench his mother’s had rested on.
Dima and his grandpa shovel away the snow and then battle against the hard dirt to open the grave—the ground is frozen solid.
“He’ll be safe here. He loved mother ... his mother,” Dima says weakly.
Sliding my fingers into my pocket, I retrieve the small toy car Dima asked me to bring with us.
He turns and sees my hands trembling as I try not to drop it.
I manage to place it on top of Pawel—I don’t want to forget it.
My emotions cause me to forget things, and I’d hate to let Dima down after all the things he’s done for me.
This small act is nothing, but I know it means everything to him.
Snow falls from the sky like heaven is sending kisses from the angels and they pepper across my face and land softly on top of Pawel. Dima and his grandpa soon reach a good depth in the dirt and move to lift Pawel.
“Can you grab the toy, please Sparrow. I don’t want it to fall and break.” Dima smiles through the pain that’s etched across his face.
“Yes,” I reply and smile softly.
I can’t hold back my tears any longer, and they slide down my cheeks landing on the toy car in my hand.
They work together to lower Pawel into the grave. He settles in his final resting place, then Dima takes the toy from me and places it in the grave with his brother.
“I’ll miss you, big brother,” he says simply but his voice breaks. “I’ll see you again one day and I’ll thank you for saving my life. I love you, Pawel.” He drops to his knees and grabs a handful of dirt and throws it into the grave.
His grandpa takes a handful of dirt. “Sleep well, son.”
“Natalia, do you want to say your goodbye?” Grandpa asks.
I nod and move closer to the hole in the ground. Looking down at his body swaddled the same way a mother swaddles her baby makes my knees wobble.
I bend down and cup a handful of dirt. “Goodbye, Pawel. I’m sorry you didn’t get to grow old with us. I’ll see you again my friend,” I say.
A sinking feeling tears its way through me.
This is my fault.
“I’m sorry, Dima. I’m sorry, grandpa. I’m going to go and wait inside the house, if that’s ok?” I ask.
“Of course it is, Sparrow, be careful it’s slippery beneath the snow. I’ll be inside soon. I love you,” Dima replies and hands me a key to the front door.
I lean forward toward my king as he kneels beside his brother’s resting place. I press my lips to his cheek making sure he can feel it through his frozen skin.
“I love you too,” I say against his ear.
His grandpa’s sorrowful eyes watch, and I move close to him and kiss his cheek.
I finally understand what real family feels like.
I make my way back along the small path and follow it as it winds back around to the front of the farmhouse. I’ve never used the back door. I’m not sure why, but I’ve noticed no one ever does.
I slide the key into the front door, unlock it and make my way inside. I kick off my boots, take off my coat and the bullet proof vest, then hang them on the clothes peg.
I enter the lounge and sit in front of the fire. As the heat warms my skin I’m overcome with emotions. Today was a lot, today was heavy. A cry rips from my chest and turns into an uncontrollable sob. I’m snotty and breathing so hard that I’m exhausting myself. I hyperventilate and pass out.