36. Ansley Play It by Ear
ansley: play it by ear thanksgiving day
I SET THE PLATE AT the final place around our makeshift hay bale table.
I turned it just a tick so that the pheasant on the plate was centered.
Even when things were really bad for us financially, I had held on to this china—a set of Limoges that simply evoked fall.
Turkeys, pheasants, the horn of plenty… Each plate was more delicate and beautiful than the last. But what was more, was that it had been Carter’s favorite.
We would joke about my beautiful hand-painted Anna Weatherley and how girly it was.
This was a man’s china, Carter would say.
It had been a gift from his mother, and it always made me think of him.
And, today, it made me think of how incredibly grateful I was for all the time we’d had together, the life we’d had together.
A rowboat glided through the waterway, leaving behind a silent trail.
It was so quiet on the street today, everyone in their homes eating and lounging and generally being with family.
I took a moment to think of those who were alone, who had no family or friends to share this day with. And I felt doubly lucky.
Which made me know I had to apologize. I had said the ten thousandth snarky thing to Jack today about moving to Chicago.
It had taken a while, but I had finally broken him, and he had snapped, “Could you let it go for one damn day, Ansley? Just forget it. Don’t come.
Stay here. I’ll go. Do whatever you want. ”
In the moment, I’d been indignant. I had held my tongue but thought, Perfect.
Because staying here is exactly what I want to do.
But then… now… I didn’t want to be apart from him.
I knew that. The breeze picked up slightly and an errant leaf blew right into the center of the centerpieces of my dreams. Five pumpkins—the largest in the middle and two on each side—had been hollowed out and filled with the most gorgeous blooms, which I hoped against hope would last for two days so we could reuse them for Emerson’s wedding.
My mind slipped to my to-do list, but I willed it back to the here and now. I loved this holiday. And my hay bale table decked out with my fine china was the perfect juxtaposition. I loved it so much I nearly squealed.
The door opened, and I heard footsteps on the porch.
My heart quickened. If it was Jack, I would need to apologize.
I didn’t want this space between us. But it was so hard for me to let go of everything that mattered to me.
But it wasn’t Jack. It was Caroline. And then Emerson. And then Sloane padded out behind them.
“How can we help, Mom?” Sloane asked.
“Yes,” Caroline chimed in. “We all came out here to ask if there was anything you needed, not to see if the turkey was organic.”
I laughed. “Yes, the turkey is organic, and that was excellent timing since I just finished setting the table.”
Truth be told, I liked to set the table alone. Something in the ritual of it all soothed me, helped me figure out my true feelings. And, right now, my true feelings were that something weird was going on with Emerson and Caroline. They were very careful around each other, overly polite.
But I wasn’t going to dig into that at the moment. Besides, if you had three daughters and two of them weren’t at least somewhat annoyed with each other, was it even Thanksgiving?
“Emerson and Caroline, you can help me get everything out of the oven and bring it outside. Sloane, why don’t you gather everyone up and tell them it’s time.”
“Shouldn’t take too long since they’re all watching football,” Sloane said. She paused. “Wait. Is this your way of saying that I’m too pregnant to help with Thanksgiving?”
I smiled and patted her belly, which was too pregnant to help with Thanksgiving. “No, sweetheart. I would never.”
“Actually, girls,” I said, “start without me.”
I ran upstairs to find Jack, who was sitting on the floor playing checkers with Preston. My heart soared. I felt so guilty for being so difficult to get along with.
“Hi,” I said softly.
“Gransley! I’m about to win!” Preston said.
“Yay!” I cheered. “I’m so proud of you!”
“Hey, what about me?” Jack said.
“I’m sorry, honey. But sometimes you just have to admit defeat at the hands of a master.”
He nodded ruefully at Preston.
“Sweetie,” I said. “You can win after lunch. Can you head down and wash your hands and pick out your favorite seat?”
He nodded enthusiastically. Where he got his personality, I would never know. Caroline and James were both nothing if not alphas. And he was just as sweet and pliable as could be. Maybe he had to be.
I sat down cross-legged beside Jack. “I’m sorry,” I said. There. The hardest part. Why was it so hard to say sorry sometimes? It was just a couple of words. I was sorry for how I’d acted. But it was so hard, I think, because I still was truly distraught about the move.
“No, I’m sorry,” Jack said. “I should never talk to you like that. I know this is really, really hard. But I won’t go without you.”
I nodded. “I don’t want to stay without you, so we have that in common.”
“Good,” he said. He sighed. “And they didn’t accept my offer on the house.”
I was actually a little disappointed about that. No, I didn’t want to go to Chicago. But I did love that house.
He kissed me, and I hoped our détente could last. I vowed then to be a grown-up, to commit to the move. I would see how it went. Maybe I’d love it. Maybe not. I would come home to visit. We could play it by ear. It would all work out.
“Hey,” I said. “Have you heard anything from the mayor?”
Jack shook his head. “These things can take a while. I figured I’d get through Thanksgiving and the wedding and then I’d call him on Monday.”
I nodded. “That sounds sensible.”
He kissed me again and wrapped his arms around me. “Today, let’s just be thankful.” He pulled away to look at my face, and I smiled. Because I really was.
Sitting around the table a few minutes later, with Jack carving the turkey that, let’s face it, I had done all the hard work for, I felt complete; I felt at peace in a way that only ever happened when all three of my daughters, their spouses and children, and, of course, my Jack, were around me.
This was what would be harder about Chicago.
This feeling, this moment of pure knowing that everything was going to be okay, would be more difficult to find.
But Jack and I had fought for each other since we were sixteen. I wasn’t going to give up now.
Adam blessed our food and then I raised my glass, but Emerson cut me off before I could talk. “To Mom,” she said, “who always makes every holiday magical, even the one two days before my wedding.”
Sloane said, “To my sisters, my best friends, who are both going to be such huge helps when this baby comes and my mom is in Chicago.”
The whole table erupted in laughter. Caroline said, “To our new generation, who fills our hearts with love and our halls with… well, noise.”
I smiled. “I couldn’t have said it better,” I said. So I finished with, “Cheers to our ever-expanding family.”
As we all clinked glasses, I couldn’t help but notice how Emerson began to cough into her napkin. Maybe it was just a cough. But my mother’s intuition told me there was something more.