Chapter 4
FRIDAY
Friday morning, Shawn slipped out of the carriage house before the sun came up.
As he left, he kissed Mel on the forehead softly.
They’d arranged to meet around lunch, so she didn’t worry about seeing him one last time and fell right back asleep.
When her alarm went off, she packed most of her suitcase and went down to the mess hall for breakfast.
Quinton was already working at a table in the corner. Cups of coffee and energy drink cans stood in a row behind his laptop screen. Mel grabbed some yogurt and toast and sat down next to him. Before long, the Joshes and both junior coders had joined them.
Shawn strode across the mess hall, making a beeline for their table. He wore a camouflage uniform with sleeves rolled up, revealing toned forearms. Arms that she loved to hold her down.
“Mel,” he said her name with a darkness. Apprehension roiled through her. She rose and followed him out through a side exit. The thick Alabama humidity weighed her down immediately. But it was the sadness in his eyes that made it hard to breathe.
Not knowing quite what to do with her hands, she folded them in front of her, clenching them together. Shawn reached out and took one in his, forcing her to rethink her strategy to keep her composure. Mel bit the inside of her cheek instead.
“I’m getting deployed,” he said.
Mel’s mind swam. Wasn’t he supposed to be on ‘light duty?’ What was he asking for? What was she willing to give him? Their connection had gone from zero to sixty in less than a week. Why did it sound like a car crash was ahead?
“My team leaves in two hours for Afghanistan. I’ll be comms out for up to thirteen months.”
Mel’s heart felt like a pincushion, a dozen little needles of heartbreak shoving their way into her chest. She fought to steady her breath.
Thirteen months. Not a short mission, but over a year.
Her brain latched onto this. Comms out. She couldn’t talk to him.
They couldn’t answer the “What if” they were finally exploring.
They were now just two friends who had really hot sex a dozen times in four days.
A torrid affair to revisit on lonely nights.
“This week has meant everything to me,” Shawn said, interrupting her spiral.
“Me, too.” The words came out in a hoarse whisper. “I never thought in a million years that we’d have this.” Mel’s eyes stung. She wouldn’t let herself cry.
Delight flickered across his face. “Only in my wildest dreams.” He cupped her face with his free hand, his thumb brushing along her cheek. He kissed her softly. It was a little bit of balm, the warmth of his mouth comforting against hers.
“I won’t ask you to wait for me.” The needles in her heart turned into a thousand knives. “Not because I don’t want you to, but it isn’t fair to you. We could have tried Florida to DC to see where this goes. But over a year without contact? That’s too much to ask.”
It was too much. He wasn’t wrong. Too much could happen in thirteen months without any way to connect. Mel opened her mouth to protest, though she knew it was absolute insanity. She couldn’t give up so quickly, even if he could.
“It’s too much to ask,” he repeated, as if trying to convince himself. “You know how it is when someone goes on deployment. We’d put each other on pedestals and then, on the other side, be horribly upset when the other person isn’t imagined perfection.”
Shawn was right. No matter how much anyone tried, that kind of distance strained relationships, especially new ones. She should accept that it would poison the memory. Take the win of the week for what it was. What she had started out hoping for, before her heart got tangled.
“Yeah,” she said, unable to say anything else without letting tears fall.
“Mel,” he repeated her name, the sadness palpable in his tone. She managed to look at him through watery lashes. “I will mourn the love we could have had. I mean that. What I feel for you is love. A lot of lust too. But love.”
“Same,” Mel croaked. Why did he have to be all effusive and eloquent and she could barely say words with more than one syllable? He must know she was disappointed with the turn of events.
Shawn slipped his arms around her waist. “Goodbye, Melissa,” he said. The conversation was over.
Mel tried to stay steady, to not fist the fabric of his shirt and stop him from leaving.
Shawn kissed her. Tears streamed down her cheeks, holding back sobs as she kissed him back.
They savored it for a long moment. Finally, his lips left hers, and she let him withdraw.
He stepped back, his eyes sad as he studied her face expectantly.
“Goodbye,” she finally echoed.
With a weak smile, he turned and left.
Mel couldn’t stop thinking about Shawn. Over the next few months, she went on an occasional date, but every touch and kiss fell flat, boring, lifeless.
Several times, she considered sending Shawn an email just in case he could check it eventually.
Wishing for a response would drive her crazy, even knowing one probably wouldn’t come, so she didn’t.
Mel returned to Delphi for testing two more times.
Though she tried to focus purely on work and keep her emotions in check, everything reminded her of him— the mess hall, the airfield, the whirring blades of gunships at night.
She couldn’t shake the memories, and she found herself on edge the whole time.
Meanwhile, the cutting-edge radio technology produced bigger and bigger development problems, and the delivery date kept getting pushed back.
April grew increasingly irascible, making it impossible to avoid her anger.
When Mel got a call from a headhunter that summer, she jumped on it.
There were two cherries on top: better pay and a ten-minute metro commute to the Pentagon.