31. Miller
Becca
I’m proud of you for going back.
You’re not mad? I feel bad that I left camp. Is Brett pissed?
Not at all. No one is mad. Brett won’t tell anyone why you left, though. He says it’s your business. Want me to tell people it’s for a school thing? I won’t say anything else about failing classes or anything. Not that you should be ashamed AT ALL.
You can tell them it’s for school. And yeah, I know, but… I just don’t want everyone to know. You know?
Of course. I miss you, though. In case you were wondering.
Aloud noise has me looking up from where I’m lying in my bed, texting Becca during rest hour. I don’t see it until I stand up: One of the campers has somehow managed to fall from his top bunk. I toss my phone on the bed, flipping back into counselor mode. I’ll have to text Becca later.
”You okay there, buddy?” I ask, holding a hand out to help him up.
Maverick looks up at me, tears welling in his big blue eyes. “I fell off.”
“I see that.”
He takes my hand and climbs to his feet. I watch as he eyes the top bunk with trepidation. “What if I fall off again?”
“I think you’ll be okay, but if you want to switch, you can ask one of the other guys.” I look around the cabin. Most of the boys have headphones on, listening to something on their tablets. They’re only allowed electronics during rest hour, and they take full advantage.
“I can switch,” Patrick pipes up. The boy has the bunk right below Maverick’s this week. He looked disappointed that all of the top bunks were taken when he got here, so maybe this could work out in everyone’s favor.
Maverick nods vigorously, confirming it.
I help the two boys to switch their sleeping bags, then wait while they climb into their newly appointed beds. “You both happy now?”
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
“Alright.” I pat the bedframe once and head back to my own spot.
* * *
My phone buzzes in my pocket as I’m walking to the Nature barn for yet another showdown with Lucy. It’s been three days since I’ve talked to Becca, giving her space to get her studying done. I pull the phone out, hoping it’s her.
Becca
Pharmacology is the devil.
I can only imagine. Just think, you could be here, dealing with a kid who wakes up crying with homesickness every morning at 3 a.m. instead of memorizing shit.
*crying laughing emoji* Yeah, I guess things could be worse. You leading any overnights this weekend?
Nope, I’m on cabin duty. After our overnight, I don’t think Brett will let me lead one ever again.
It wasn’t our fault a camper wandered away.
Not entirely.
* * *
I breathe a sigh of relief when the last camper leaves, his father weighed down with the kid’s duffel bag while the child carries the treasure box he made in woodshop.
This has been the most challenging week so far. Besides Maverick falling out of bed, this week has seen campers fighting with one another, two who tried to sneak out at night, and zero who would listen to me and Dave. It made for a rough few days.
I pull out my phone, needing to talk to Becca. She always cheers me up.
Becca
What color underwear are you wearing?
Uh, that wasn’t funny the first time you asked me.
Sure, it was. I’m wearing boxers with little yellow smiley faces all over them.
Information I didn’t need to know.
I, on the other hand, have a burning desire to know about yours.
If something is burning you should probably get that checked out.
Why do you think I’m texting a future doctor?
*eyeroll emoji* How’s the goat?
Evil as fuck. She bit my shirt today. I’m down to four t-shirts.
You could just go topless. She’d have nothing to bite.
A few flaws in that plan. One, I only like to take my shirt off to impress you, and you’re not here. Two, she’d probably bite my nipple.
One, it’s not that impressive. Two, your nipples are decorative. You don’t need both of them.
I’m kind of attached to them either way.
* * *
Today is Becca’s final for her make-up class. I’m sure she’s freaking out, but for some reason, I am too. This is important to her, so it’s important to me. I’m re-reading the text I sent her earlier, wishing her luck, when a new text message pops up.
Becca
I did it. I passed.
Yessss! I knew you would, babe.
Thanks. How are things at camp?
Honestly didn’t think I’d stick it out this long after the first day or so. I only made it through the first week because I was sticking around to win you over, and then it… kind of grew on me.
Sticking around to annoy me, you mean.
Same thing. It worked, didn’t it?
No comment.
Any chance you’re going to make it back up here before the end of the summer? There’s one week left…
I wish I could I start my clinical rotations on Monday.
Bummed I won’t see you. But I can’t wait to hear about you kicking ass with those, too.
* * *
Six Weeks Later
“So, the goats really ate most of your shirts?” Blake asks with amusement, picking up two beers from the bar top.
“Goat. Singular. And she was the devil incarnate.” I hand the bartender a credit card to start a tab and pick up the other two beers and a soda to carry them to the table, where the rest of our group is seated. “I would have been shirtless for the last week without Becca sending me new t-shirts.”
He nods. “Yeah, she has great taste. Between the Mama’s Boy one and I Love Goats one, she absolutely nailed it. When do we get to meet her?” Blake sets the bottles on our table.
“The girl?” Maddox asks, reaching for a lager. “I want to meet her, too. The woman who can manage to put up with Miller. She’s a legend.”
“To be fair, she’s not exactly putting up with me,” I point out. “She hated me for two weeks, we had a good weekend, and then she left camp. It’s been all phone calls and texts since then.”
“I’ve gotten texts from you. I’d say if she hasn’t blocked your number yet, she’s putting up with you,” Cam teases, grabbing his soda and taking a sip. “Anyway, less about you and your drama. Lawton, man, it’s good to have you back.” He raises his glass toward the guy sitting next to Blake, the two of them practically identical with their blue eyes and dark hair, although Lawton’s square jaw and ramrod posture give him away as a cop.
“Hey, I’m moving out to the middle of nowhere to take a job. I figured the least I could do was spend some time with my old poker buddies before I disappear forever.” Lawton tips his beer back.
Blake’s younger brother was part of our poker group for a few years, but since he gave up traveling for tournaments and enrolled in the police academy, we haven’t seen him much.
“Where are you moving again?” Maddox asks. “Lonesome Heights?”
“High Lonesome,” Lawton corrects him. “Small town in the Colorado mountains. You guys should come visit once I get settled out there with Kristina.”
“We could road trip,” Cam suggests.
Blake snorts. “The four of us plus all your girls crammed into an RV? Yeah, hard pass.”
Becca would be a great road trip companion, wouldn’t she? I can just imagine her making lists of all the shit to pack and planning out our route, then freaking out when we get lost.
A smile plays on my lips. I could talk to her for hours while we drive across the middle of nowhere.
“Addie is awesome,” Cam protests.
“You love Holly,” Maddox says at the same time.
Blake holds up a finger. “I tolerate them because you love them, but I don’t need any women in my life. I’ll stick with my bachelor lifestyle, thank you very much.”
Lawton rolls his eyes. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that. I said that before I met Kristina, too. And now look at us. We’re moving in together when we get up there.”
“You going to marry her?” I ask, vaguely interested.
They met almost three years ago, about a year after Lawton stopped playing poker with us to head to the police academy, and moving across the country together suggests a commitment, at least in my mind.
Lawton shrugs and leans back against the cracked vinyl booth. “Maybe someday. I don’t want to rock the boat right now. Maybe once we’re settled in High Lonesome and things are good with my job.”
“What’s she going to do up there?” Blake asks.
He shrugs a shoulder. “Not sure yet. We’re going to check out options once we get up there.” Lawton brings his beer to his lips.
“Well, good luck, man.” I lift my drink toward him.
Lawton grins and mirrors my motion with his own glass. “Thanks, Miller. And to put the pressure back on you, when are you seeing your girl again? Are you going to go visit her?”
I frown, thinking. Maybe I could go up there one of these weekends. I’ve wondered before how far her school is from my mom’s house. I set my glass on the table and pull my phone out.
“Dude, I didn’t mean you should plan a trip right now,” Lawton says, laughing, and the others join in.
I ignore them. I’m used to my friends having fun at my expense, and it doesn’t bother me. If anything, I love being the butt of their jokes. I pull up my Maps app and type things in.
Becca goes to Syracuse, which is… just about two hours from my mom’s place in Elmira. Probably less, the way I drive. Maybe I can convince her to let me visit sometime when I go up to visit Mom and Jordan.
* * *
“Raise.” I toss more chips in the pot and reach for my beer.
Maddox calls my raise, adding his own chips. “So, what was the bet you made with that camp director? Did you win by sticking it out the whole summer?”
I study my cards as Blake flips over the turn card. “The bet was that I wouldn’t last as a camp counselor. If I couldn’t stick it out, I said I’d donate my salary to the camper scholarship fund. It covers the cost of camp for some kids whose families can’t afford to pay.”
“But you stuck it out,” Cam points out, a carrot stick in his mouth from the snacks we doled out. “Shocking all of us, honestly. We had a side bet going about how long you’d be gone. I think the outside bet was one week, so we all lost.”
I nod as I take another handful of Doritos. “Glad you all had so much faith in me. Honestly, before I got there, I probably would have placed my bet on me making it a few days. But yeah, technically I won the bet with the camp director, I guess. The place just kind of grew on me, you know? But I ended up donating a bunch to the fund anyway. Cause… I don’t know. It’s a good cause.”
Blake grunts. “You should donate to me. I’m a good cause. These post-doc programs don’t pay shit.”
I laugh as I raise the bet again. “Yeah, you won a shitload of money in Atlantic City last week. You’re no one’s charity case. Plus, isn’t it just a one-year thing? And you get a real job next year?”
He scowls and turns over the final community card. The added eight gives me a straight. Not too terrible. “This is a real job. At least as real as being a camp counselor. Probably more so.”
He’s got me there. I grin as we turn over the cards and my straight beats Maddox’s three of a kind. I sweep the chips toward myself and pile them up as Blake hands the deck to Cam to deal the next round.
“So, does this mean you’re back for good now, Miller? Done finding yourself or whatever the fuck you were doing over the summer?” Cam asks as he shuffles.
I open my mouth to answer but then close it again, trying to understand my own mind. I spent the summer at camp because I felt like something was missing, like I needed something different in my life. Did I find it?
I want to say I’m back and ready to get back to normal. That was the goal, after all, when I first started looking for something different. Do something to shake things up and then get back to my groove of winning poker games and building up a nice little nest egg. But even winning hands is only a short-term high now.
I’m happy for a minute, then I go back to feeling… empty. Like something is missing.
My fingers brush against the phone in my pocket. They itch to text Becca, see what she’s up to. She started her clinical rotations, and I’m dying to know how it’s going.
“You in for this round, Miller?” Maddox nudges me.
I realize they’re all waiting for me to put up a blind. It rotates which player has to put in their chips before even seeing their pocket cards, and it’s my turn. I force my mind back into the game and push two stacked chips toward the center.
Cam deals out two cards to each of us. I look at mine: a king and a queen. A decent deal, but all I see is a man and a woman. Me and Becca.
This is why poker players aren’t supposed to fall in love. It screws up your concentration.
But even as I’m thinking it, I know it’s not true. Look at Maddox and Cam. They’re blissfully happy, and their poker games have never been stronger. Since getting married, Maddox has won two major tournaments and a handful of smaller ones. And since getting together with Addie, Cam has been on a roll too, winning plenty of games.
It’s just me that sucks, apparently. But then again, it’s not like I’m happily settled down with my girl. Yet…
“Hey, you want to come over this weekend?” Cam asks as he turns over the flop, the first three of the five community cards. “Addie still wants you to meet Annika. You remember her teacher friend?”
“I think I’m busy,” I say, pushing chips into the pot. “And I don’t need to be set up.”
Maddox laughs. “Also, Annika would eat him alive, Cam. Who thought the two of them together would be a good idea? You?”
Cam shrugs. “Addie just wants someone to double date with who isn’t her brother.”
“Yeah, understandable.” Maddox nods. He folds, placing his cards on the table. “It’s still weird to see you two together.” His lips twist into a grimace.
The next community card gives me nothing, and I eye my pocket cards again before I fold with a sigh. “I still feel like there’s something missing.”
Blake raises again. “Yeah? I think it’s your dignity. Either go after the girl or hook up with someone new. You know which I’d vote for.”
We all know what Blake would vote for. He hasn’t had a real relationship since I’ve known him. It was cute when he was in his early thirties, but he’s thirty-seven now. It’s time for him to settle down. God knows we can’t tell him that, though.
“I’m going to call it a day,” I say, standing and stretching.
I walk the ten blocks home from Cam’s apartment in the early fall heat. The humidity hits different in the city than at camp, by the lake. The smells are more sewer-forward than the piney smell of the woods.
A pang of longing hits me. Maybe this is what Becca meant when she talked about missing camp those years she wasn’t there.
I pull my phone out as I wait at a crosswalk. A text won’t mess up her day, will it? I’m trying to respect how busy she is, not bother her, but I suppose she can just ignore it if she wants to.
Thinking of you. Hope your rotation is going well.
* * *
Yeah, I have no dignity left. I ended up sending her flowers—again—because I couldn’t not send her something. I was passing a florist and the sunflowers made me think of her. Everything makes me think of Becca these days.
I never believed in the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing before, but it seems to be the case for me.
I thought sending her something and texting her would help to clear my mind, but it did absolutely nothing. If anything, she’s now front and center of all my thoughts.
And things are becoming clearer.
When I headed up to camp, I figured it was a one-time break from the poker world to clear my mind, but as happy as I am to be back with my friends, something is still lacking.
But now I know exactly what’s missing. It’s Becca.
Becca is who I’m thinking of as I head to the shower. I step into the glass-enclosed space and take a breath of steam. One kiss, and she’s entrenched herself in my mind.
I’m already hard, thinking of her soft body, her smile, her prickly demeanor when something bothers her.
And once again, it doesn’t help at all with clearing my mind when it’s her that I picture as I stroke myself to a quick, fast climax.