Chapter 10
AJ
Even I know that was a very intense, maybe insane thing to say.
Right now it feels like I could float away with how bubbly my insides are, but I can’t go all AJ and ruin this.
I won’t let myself ruin this.
There has to be some thinking time, not only doing time, after that kiss.
Goddamn, that kiss.
It was everything I’ve been dreaming about this past week, and everything I was making myself ignore.
Now I don’t have to ignore it. Now I can finally—
I lean up and give him another kiss, quick and to the point, but then . . . it’s not enough.
So I go in for another, and then another.
“Your lips are so soft and bouncy,” I mutter, and when I realize what I just said, I have to cringe.
“Sorry, is that a good thing to say? God, I’m already ruining this.
” It might sound like a childish whine but inside my head all I can think is the awful symphony of, “You’re so stupid, AJ. So stupid, so, so stupid.”
“It’s a really good thing to say, and you’re not ruining anything,” Cam murmurs and renders that voice inside me mute. His smile, soft and kind, always has that effect on the asshole that tells me mean things.
Right then and there I decide I’m not going to fuck this up, and the first decision I make to ensure it is to step back. Because in his eyes, I can see the confusion, the hope, and the fear.
I don’t mind the confusion—hello, I’m having a sexual awakening myself and that shit is confusing as fuck—and I sure as fuck love the hope, but the fear is the reason why that whole fake boyfriend thing was even necessary.
I’m not going to be another man who breaks his heart and crushes his hopes, just like he doesn’t want to be another person who takes advantage of me.
That is not who we’re going to be to each other, ever, so I take that step back, then breathe in deeply like I do before every game.
“I need to get ready for my interview.”
“What interview?” he asks, now looking only confused.
“I really like that me kissing you made you forget about everything you’re always reminding me of.” I can’t help teasing him. “I’m awesome like that, huh?”
I love how he rolls his eyes at me, because he’s always rolling his eyes at me like that, so nothing has really changed even though so much has changed. And more will change too—soon, I hope.
But first I’ve gotta make sure I have all the right . . . tools . . . yeah, tools, to make sure this isn’t one more thing I fuck up.
“Yeah, you’re awesome,” he mumbles eventually.
“Glad we’re on the same page.” I wink just to get him to laugh, and as always, it works.
“So yeah, I need to go get ready for that, and you need to go home and probably think all of this through, but let me just say this . . . I want a lot more of those kisses, and maybe I want more than kissing, and you’re one of the most important people in my life, Cam. Never forget that.”
Telling him that I love him—even if it’s true because it’s not the romantic type of love yet—isn’t the best idea right now, I don’t think. So I leave it at that for now.
“See you here on Saturday?”
“Yeah,” he says distractedly, while his eyes track me. “Just tell me what I should bring.”
“Yourself,” I tell him loudly while walking backwards to my front door.
He does look kind of lost, but he’s Cam. He’ll get his head on straight and tell me what he really thinks and wants when we get a bit of time alone.
Hopefully that’ll happen Saturday night.
For now . . . I turn and walk into my house, then sprint up to my room.
I could wear the same suit I’m wearing now, since it’s pretty nice, but this is late-night television, and I always dress it up for those interviews.
This one is especially important, since I’m gonna be talking about the program I’ve been working on with the Warriors to hang out with at-risk kids in the city, and I’m hoping people watching will donate some money to keep the community centers we use well-stocked and in order.
But because it’s so important to me, I have everything I need to say memorized, so I use the little time I have to call Derek.
I need his help.
“What?” he barks out the second he answers.
“Hi, Derek, nice to hear from me, I’m sure.” He growls and I laugh. I find a deep blue shirt I think I look awesome in and shrug it on. “I need your help, bro.”
“With what?” he asks, more curious than growly—that bodes well for me.
“So I just kissed Cam, and man I gotta tell you, it was awesome and I wanna do a hell of a lot more than kiss him, but I need you to help me plan this thing out.”
“Uh . . .” He stalls, and sounding awkward, he says, “I don’t think we’re that kind of friends, AJ.”
“I don’t need your help with that,” I protest, getting the subtext.
“Look, I don’t wanna do anything wrong. Not with Cam.
He’s too important and he’s been through too much.
Just come over tomorrow morning ready to help me figure this shit out.
” I think of leaving it at that but then change my mind.
“And bring Hawk.” He’s probably going to be helpful too.
I hang up before he can even think of saying no, and then go back to getting ready.
Deodorant, cologne, and new pants paired with shiny shoes, watch, and belt, and then I’m out of the house again and on my way to the studios.
It’s not far, but it still takes me forty minutes, so I’m a bit late.
It doesn’t matter, not to the nice assistant who greets me anyway, and not to the host who comes to say hi in my dressing room ten minutes before he starts the show.
I get it all done, and yeah, the next morning I have a text with the amount of donations from last night that I’m more than happy with, so when my doorbell rings, not even Derek’s monstrous frown could tamp my excitement down.
“Let’s get this thing started,” I tell him and his husband, and then I realize he brought his brother-in-law Wolf, and his fiancé CJ too.
“My man,” I tell CJ and bring him in for a hug. We’re kindred spirits with our letters for names, and he’s way more fun than Wolf.
And speaking of Wolf . . .
“Why are we here?” he demands, tone as grumpy as Derek’s always is.
“I kissed a guy and I liked it,” I declare, and I even throw my hands up in the air.
“Yay,” Hawk cheers. “It’s awesome, right?” His wide, bright, and excited eyes tell me he’s going to be the most helpful of the bunch—well, CJ is a doctor so he’s probably got some great advice to give me too.
“It’s fucking amazing,” I agree and nod. “I ordered us breakfast,” I tell them, and lead them into the kitchen where I have it all set up family style.
“I just want coffee,” Derek mumbles and Wolf grunts in agreement.
“I have a pot ready right here, and I’ll start another for all of us who are civilized,” I tell them with a smile.
I know my people, and though I didn’t know half my guests were coming, I did go a bit overboard with the food, so there’s more than enough for everyone.
We all fill up our plates and yes, more coffee is started, and after Derek finishes his first cup he actually smiles at me.
“Congrats, by the way,” he tells me from across my farm table. “On the new contract,” he clarifies when I don’t answer, and honestly I needed that. I wasn’t sure if he was congratulating me on kissing a guy—it could happen.
“Oh, thanks. Yeah, Cam got me everything I wanted.”
“People on all those talkshows are saying you were lowballed.”
I have to snort at that.
“Cam said that’s what would happen.”
“Thank you.” The sudden seriousness from him—not gruff, not growly—makes me snap my head up to look at him. “I know why you did that, and it’s gonna make us all better.”
I shrug and go back to eating. I don’t need to be thanked for doing the logical thing, the right thing. I’d like to believe I’m not the only guy on the team who’d do that for the Warriors, and I’m gonna keep on believing that.
“So, what do you need help with?” CJ asks a few minutes later when we’ve all eaten quite a bit.
“I need help with not fucking this thing with Cam up,” I tell them honestly. “I was set on forgetting about our awesome kiss, but then yesterday . . . yesterday we cleared things up, and I think he—”
God this is going to sound childish, but why should I care? Out of all of us the only one who’s actually a grownup is CJ. Derek only masquerades as a grownup, and Wolf and Hawk will never be grownups.
“I think he likes likes me, you know?”
“And do you?” Hawk asks excitedly. “Like like him?”
“I really do,” I admit. “I mean, we’ve known each other for a decade, and I think we’ve become really good friends. I love having him in my life, but now it feels different, and I told him to really think about what he wants.”
“Have you?” Derek asks.
“Yes.” I nod and wipe my mouth with one of the wide red napkins I set on every plate.
“I’m all in with him. I not only don’t want to lose him as a friend, I also want more.
But I told him to think about it, because he always needs to think things through.
He’s an analytical guy, and he never makes a rash decision, you know? ”
“I get that,” Hawk agrees. “This one is the same way.” He points his thumb at Derek.
“Which means he’s gonna hound you about dealing with this big change in your life regarding your sexuality, and have you thought of what that would mean for you?
” he asks, doing a terrible impression of Derek.
“Do you understand that people will talk about it? That people will want to talk about it? Have you thought about how your family will react? How will your friends react? Your employer?”
“I have thought of all of that.” I stop him before he keeps asking any more questions. But now I think about it from Cam’s point of view, and I know what I need to do before he and I go any further.
I think it’s gonna have to wait till Monday, though, and that’s a bummer, since I was hoping to have this done before tomorrow’s cookout.
“Okay, now let’s talk some dates,” I say before the conversation can be derailed again.
“You mean how today is Friday? Or how to go on a date?” Hawk asks before he bites down on his third avocado toast.
I love how into this he is.
“I mean going on dates,” I confirm with a nod. “And then after that, we’re gonna discuss some sex stuff.”
“Yeah, I’m not gonna do that with my brother right there,” Wolf protests.
“It’s fine, you can help him with the dates,” CJ tells him, and throws an arm around his shoulders and looks at him with eyes so full of love that I’m equal parts impressed and bewildered. Those two are total opposites and yet they get to look at each other like that . . . like two saps.
I want Cam and me to have that.
So I get to work.
“Hi, Mom, Dad.” I welcome them in and hug the daylights out of them. “Quick, before we go out back and you pay attention to everyone but me.” I go to the office I have just next to the front door and get the envelope with their travel arrangements.
“Dad, I talked it out with Steve and he said next week Wednesday is the best time for you to take an actual vacation, and I just got paaaaid,” I singsong. “So you two are going away for a week and I’m going to take care of the ranch.”
They protest—of course they do—and I’m surprised when Mom tells me they can’t swing it as adamantly as Dad, but in the end they cave and thank me for the gift.
Aaaand then I lose them to the throngs of people in my back yard.
About twenty-five of my teammates made it, and with girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, and kids, that means there really are a lot of people here.
Not that I mind. I like when I get to actually fill up my place.
Especially . . .
Mom goes right to Cam, and I actually adore the way he hurries to stand to hug her back and how he shakes my father’s hand while still holding on to her.
They’ve always liked him, and when I called them last night and told them I was doing my best to start a romantic relationship with him, they were really happy for me.
Well, once they got over the confused part they were elated.
I did ask them not to make a huge deal out of it, and yet . . . Mom’s still hugging him.
And that’s just fine by me.
I go over to the grill where Appleton and Davon Swayma, our running back, are manning it and making sure no one goes hungry. They just filled up another big platter full of cheeseburgers, hot dogs, steaks, and even two Bratwurst, so I pick it up and take it over to the food table.
It just so happens to be where Mom is still hounding Cam, and it’s the perfect excuse to stand closer than normal to him, to touch his waist and talk into his ear.
“All good?”
He offers me a smile I’ve seen many times, content and relaxed, and nods.
“It’s perfect.” He takes a moment and seems to be searching for something in my eyes, then he whispers, “You told them about . . . us?”
I nod and whisper as well. “I told them what I want us to become.”
His Adam’s apple bobs with a hard swallow.
“And what’s that?”
“Hopefully everything,” I say like it’s not earth-shattering, or mind-altering. It is, I know it is, but it’s also so freaking logical for me, it really is that simple.
I heard Derek’s reasoning yesterday. How for the guy who’s known he’s not straight for a long time it can be tough to accept that the other guy just invites queerness into his identity.
I get that, and I want to reassure Cam about that .
. . later. But really, for me, for the first time, it’s not hard at all to imagine everything Cam and I could be, if only we do this right and for the right reasons.
After talking to my parents last night, I did start getting nervous that maybe Cam doesn’t want me like that, how it could just be shock and the surprise element of those kisses.
But that’s when I remembered the kisses . . .
I’ve kissed a lot of people, like a lot a lot, and some might even say too many, but I don’t care about that. I care that kissing Cam made me feel something completely new. It made me discover a new part of me, something I never even imagined in me.
I don’t think that happens when at the very least the attraction isn’t mutual.
So I concluded that Cam is attracted to me, that’s step one.
Then I thought about how close we’ve been for years, how great a friend he’s been to me, how he laughs at my dumb jokes and always gets pissed off at me when I say the word stupid in relation to myself.
He defends me even from myself, and if that’s not a type of love then I don’t know what it is.
I believe we can both transform that love into something new, something bigger, something more . . . lasting.
And tonight, when everyone is gone, I hope we can talk through that.
For now, I squeeze Cam’s hip once more, smile at him, and then get back to talking to my friends and family.
I’ll give him a bit more time to keep thinking all of this through.