11. Gilli
Gilli
O f course things degraded into an argument. I should know better at this point. Anything involving Soren will become absolute shit.
If I’m bothered, then he’s right, and I should leave. Which only makes me dig my heels in deeper.
I’m staying .
I’m staying trapped in this house with Soren and his sun-kissed face, that strong jaw hidden behind his beard. Trapped with Aiden and his broad shoulders and easy smile.
Not to mention Tase when he comes to visit, with his sensitive hands and his staggering height, forcing me to look up and up and up into his eyes…
I’m in so much trouble and it’s only been days.
I need to get away from Soren immediately, even if it’s just a trip into town. Otherwise one of us will move—strangle, claw out some eyes—and I’m not sure who will go first.
“You’re a huge pain in my ass and a real prick,” I say when he doesn’t answer.
He’s staring at me and my raw heart, my abandonment issues.
“Why? Because I told you not to drop the chainsaw? It’s obvious, Gilli. ”
“No, because… because I’m pouring out my heart and you’re glaring at me like I’m a pesky mosquito or something.”
“I never asked you to pour out your heart. Besides, I’m sure you’ve been through worse at work.”
My stomach clenches. “I’ve been through a lot, yeah, but it doesn’t give you the right to talk to me that way.”
“I’m not interested in discussing this anymore,” he mutters.
“Classic,” I say. I need to drop it.
I can’t let go.
“You want to stay in your own world and shove everyone else out, that’s your business. But don’t ask me to come help you. Just keep your distance and we’ll be fine.”
Soren grows taller, his chest puffing out and brushing against mine. I haven’t judged. “You've called me enough names to count on one hand and now you’re drawing a line in the sand? Go get fucked, Gilli, it will improve your mood.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Neither of us is sunshine and roses.”
“Look, if you would just leave, we can all go back to playing nice and pretending the other doesn’t exist.” He stashes the chainsaws in the back of the utility vehicle. “Then it won’t matter what you call me. Or what I call you.”
“Leaving changes nothing. We’re never going to end up on the same page. It’s not like we’re friends.”
He steps up even closer to crowd me with his bulk. An intimidating tactic, and it’s working. “Correct.”
At least he’s not offering up reasons why we aren’t friendly and never will be. Those I wouldn’t be able to bear right now.
“And when you get yourself figured out, maybe then I’ll be willing to have this conversation with you. Until then, I’ve got work. So do you.”
“You’re only thing standing in my way. ”
My hands clench into fists and Soren tracks the movement.
“If it will make you feel better, then I’ll let you get a hit in. It’s fine.” He angles his head to give me access to his chin. “Go on. Hit me, Gilli.”
“I’m going back to the cabin.” I squeak out a breath. “You’re more than capable of finishing this job yourself.”
Getting myself under control is a priority and picking fights doesn’t help. Emotional and overtired is a bad combination.
Soren gets under my skin and knows which buttons to press effortlessly. But it’s better to be angry than to cry. Tears aren’t going to help.
I have to calm down.
I’m definitely not going to make them dinner tonight, even though I’d planned to in order to make up for Soren grilling last night. Fuck them.
I’ll be the selfish one and go to bed with a bowl of cereal even if it’s childish.
Shame spirals through me and I stop dead in my tracks halfway back to the cabin. Shit. There really is something wrong with me. I’m foolish and spiteful, and the only person it hurts? Me.
“Pull your head out of your ass, Gillian,” I mutter, scrubbing my burning eyes.
I’ve done a lot of things I regret in my life. This moment doesn’t have to be one of them.
And it did feel good to be useful and work with my hands. Everyone dreams about taking a long weekend, but these few days of driving and hiding are parallel parked next to torture.
Soren isn’t aware of it but I’d needed his help. I needed to work my body to give my mind a break. Before the argument, I’d even been enjoying his company.
A little bit. Sometimes.
When he kept his mouth shut .
I force myself to walk at a faster clip to put more space between us.
Soren has no idea how lucky he is to have his mom in his corner. He says little about her but the way he leaps to her defense, it’s clear he loves her. And it’s also clear that he’s beyond bitter when it comes to his dad.
I sigh, tilting my head back and rocking it from side to side although the ache in my spine stays.
I still remember the last time I saw Ma in person. Or at least, the last time she bothered to speak to any of her girls.
She came back to the trailer to grab something she must have desperately wanted before leaving on her honeymoon and kissed us each on the head, starting with the oldest, saying she’d be back in a week, charging Suz to watch us and keep us in hand until Bill got back from a long-haul gig.
After that, we got a phone call saying Alistair wanted her to stay with him a little longer before they came back to move us all into his house.
But not to worry. Bill was on his way.
Then, a text to the cell Suz had gotten with her money from the restaurant, her after-school job. A text, that was it, telling us Honey and Alistair needed more time but not to worry. It didn’t matter where Bill had gotten off to, she would be back for us.
The move was coming. Sure .
Of course the move never came. Her children and the trailer she left behind were nothing but a smirch on the life she was building.
At the door, I kick off my mud-speckled sneakers, leaving a trail of tiny wood chips behind me on my way to the shower again.
Hot water pulses down over me, wiping away the evidence of my labor.
After the shower, I turn and stare at the dimples in my ass cheeks. Steam fogs the corners and top half of the mirror, leaving me with a viciously clear view of everything I’ve always hated.
Before starting cam girl work, I stayed away from full-length mirrors, because the biggest thing Ma gave her girls besides abandonment wounds is a hatred of our bodies. It’s different for each of my sisters.
I was a year into my veterinary technology program when a friend put a name to the issue I’ve had my entire life.
Body dysmorphia.
The familiar hatred and disgust washes through me and my chest constricts.
I rub my finger over one of the more visible cellulite bands near my hips, like slightly pale claw marks.
Oddly enough, camera work helped.
I might want to hide my lower half, but people pay for it. They pay to watch and talk and offer up compliments on the part of my body I hate the most. The one that gets my gorge to rise whenever I bother looking at it in the mirror.
“It’s not so bad.”
I whisper the familiar mantra out loud.
Starting the camera work has been as much to make extra money as to prove to myself I wasn’t going to hold back. I wasn’t going to keep trying to hide myself, or obsess over my flaws.
I slap my own ass and watch the fat jiggle the way I know it always does. Scoffing, I turn away and grab a towel, wrapping it around the offending body part.
No amount of exercising helped. Therapy might help someday, once I get ahead on my bills. Hiding in the trailer never helped, either, isolating myself from the public. The bully in my brain is never going to be silent and so I force myself to step outside of my comfort zone.
Like showing my ass to virtual strangers. Like dealing with Soren when he launches a full scale verbal attack.
I’m not ready to leave and go home yet, but staying here hurts me. Which is worse ?
I head into my room and hurry to change into a fresh pair of pants and a comfortable shirt, both of them loose. Sliding my feet into a pair of Toms, I head into the kitchen. There’s still a few inches of coffee left in the pot, and travel cups in the cabinet.
I have coffee, I have cash, and I have a car.
Whether it’s smart or not, I grab my keys and crank the car into a semblance of life. It protests, of course, after a chilly night and a couple of days of disuse.
Soren has got to be done with the fallen tree by now. Whether he’s still out there making a point or off somewhere else sulking, I guess it doesn’t matter.
I hate the way my mind skips back to him, like it can’t possibly stay away.
If Aiden were there with us today, then he’d have played moderator. Not that anyone should have to get between two grown-ass adults and pretend to be Switzerland, but Aiden does it well.
His kindness is appreciated.
If I didn’t know they were related, then I’d assume Aiden sticks around out of pity. It’s got to be hard being Soren, with his shriveled black heart and awful personality.
By the time I make it to the downed tree, the only evidence of it having been there is piles of sawdust and mud tracks from the ATV. Soren’s gone.
I gun my car past the area out of ridiculous spite and take the turn toward town.
Holly Brook is even quainter than I thought when I first passed through.
The main street is of course the draw, with several old Victorian houses that look like they’ve been converted into businesses. One has a detailed sign marking it as a bed and breakfast, and another is a bookstore slash coffee shop.
I find a parking space and get out, drawing in a breath. The day has warmed considerably since the morning’s chill.
The first hints of spring are more than visible in the bright green buds on the trees lining the sidewalk. It’s close to lunchtime on the weekend, so the streets are busier than they might have been any other day.
My gaze skips toward the vet clinic and the glowing sign in the window.
“No, Gilli.”
I never listen to myself.
It’s clear Tase keeps hours on Saturdays. The man strikes me as the type who works not because he wants to but because he needs it. He’s either doing it for the community, because he knows they are always going to seek him out, or because he’s outrunning the demons in his head.
Maybe I recognize the type because I see it every single day.
Drawn, I navigate the sidewalk and stop in front of the clinic window. The girl behind the counter laughs at something said to her over the phone.
Before I realize it, I walk to the door and push inside to the tinkle of bells.
The waiting room is packed this time. One older gentleman wraps his dog’s leash around his weathered knuckles and gives a jerk, but the German Shepherd isn’t having it. The dog tugs at the leash with his hackles raised at a small poodle yipping from the safety of its owner’s lap.
The receptionist stops laughing, her attention focused on the screen in front of her like she’s oblivious to the chaos around her. Either she’s used to this, the same way I’d gotten used to it at my own clinic, or she’s disassociating.
Not my concern. I should leave . Walk on and head to the library. Or get in the car and head anywhere else.
Tase won’t want to talk to me. What do I want to say to him, anyway? There’s nothing to say. He’s a stranger with a friendly face.
The familiar scents of cleaners, animals, and chemicals release the aching knot in my neck. Oh, yes .
This is what I needed despite the pang of heartbreak ripping through me.
It’s reckless, walking into the waiting room. Flashing a smile at the Shepherd amid the squalling of several cats in their carriers singing the same chorus.
I head to the counter just as the girl hangs up the phone. It takes her several seconds to lift her eyes to mine.
Damn, she’s young. Has to be fresh out of high school. I stop and swallow over a laugh. I’m only twenty and I feel like I’m a hundred years old.
“Hi.”
“Can I help you?” Her grin is forced.
“I know you’re busy, but I’m hoping for a chat with the vet. It’s a personal matter. If you could just tell him Gillian is here…”
Tears pool at the corners of her eyes and a few stray strands of blonde slip from her ponytail when she shakes her head. My gut drops. Uh oh . “I’m sorry, Doctor Walton is busy at the moment. He’s just gotten out of—” She gulps and cuts off.
“I’m sure he is very overworked, as are you, obviously. But I’m a vet tech. I want to speak to him about possibly donating my time and volunteering for him.”
The idea solidifies the instant I speak it into being.
No. Shit , no. This is the last thing I should do. The more people who see me, the more likely it is that someone will figure out what I’m doing here.
The girl cranes forward. “Hold on. You want to help? You’re qualified?”
“I need to be useful,” I admit. “Let me talk to Tase. Please.”
The girl chuckles, her features strained and pale. The laughter I saw on the phone must have been hysterical, and I’d mistaken the expression for chipper.
She’s not handling the stress well .
This poor girl isn’t chipper by any stretch of the imagination. She’s stressed and overwhelmed.
Another patron joins me at the counter and stares between the two of us, hard. “If you’re done with your personal chitchat, I’ve been waiting for forty-five minutes. My appointment was supposed to be at noon.”
She taps her watch.
“There’s only me and the vet today.” The girl’s knuckles turn white on the edge of the desk when the phone starts to ring again. “Our other girl quit and no one else is able to come in?—”
“Never mind that. When will Doctor Tase see me?” the woman demands.
Despite everything, my insides calm.
“It’ll just be a moment, ma’am,” I tell the client, then turn back to the receptionist. “Let me behind the desk. I don’t have my license with me but I’m a registered veterinary technician. I can help. Please.”
The girl only points over her shoulder at the door to the back and mouths the word go .